A Day at The Beach

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

Summary: Why Integra doesn't go to the beach

It was a beautiful day in London. The sun shone brightly in the cloudless sky and a gentle breezed blew the leaves playfully. This was a perfect day to go to the beach. Pip, Seras and Alucard were loading the beach gear into one of the cars. "We have to invite Sir Integra" said Seras. Walter shook his head "That is probably not the best idea."

"Why not?" asked Seras.

"When she was ten her father and I took her to the beach and it was disastrous. She complained the whole time we were there, which was ten minutes and she didn't even get out of the car. Arthur was livid, we had already spent two hours on the road." The three looked at each other.

"I'm sure that she wouldn't mind now, besides what do kids know?" said Pip.

Integra walked into her office and paused to do a double take. "Walter" she sighed "why are there three barely dressed people in my office? An early birthday gift of strippers is in very poor taste. And none of them are my type." Walter gave Integra a weird look as she sat down at her desk.

"We're going to the beach" said Pip.

"We want you to come with us." Said Seras. From the look Integra gave her, the draculina wished she hadn't made the statement.

"Walter, you did tell them about the last time I went to the beach?"

"Yes I did, Sir"

"And you fools still ask me to go to the beach?"

"It's been more than ten years and besides you need to take a break, master" said Alucard.

"That's what Sundays are for."

"What's so bad about the beach?" asked Pip. From the way Walter groaned, Pip realized that he made a mistake.

"For starters, it's too bloody hot. I like being tan, not baked. The mass amount of barely dressed bodies is rather off putting. The fact that some people equate 'public beach' with 'nude beach'. The food is disgusting. The music, if you can call that noise music, is too loud. The smell of sweat, salt water and body odor is nauseating. The crude men staring at you; Seras you might want to wear something more decent. The sand going into places it has no business going. I do not want to make a pearl in my nethers. The crabs in the sand, that pinch you or the occasionally syringe needle that can prick you. The birds that steal your food and leave you a thank you note of their shit. People smoking cheap cigarettes. People drinking cheap beer. Undisciplined little brats pouring bucket of water and sand on your head. And finally, people shitting and pissing in the water. It's ok I'm sure you're fine with swimming in someone else's shit."

After that rant, everyone in the office was quiet. Then Pip finally said, "You know, Sir, you really know how to talk someone out of doing something."

Integra just smirked, "Just let me know if you plan on doing something else foolish, now get out of my office, I've work to do." Outside the manor, they were about to start unpacking, when Seras said "I don't care what Sir Integra says, I think we should still go to the beach."

"I agree with the Police Girl. I'm just going to be bored sitting around here doing nothing."

"Yeah, let's have some fun. She can be a downer by herself."

"I would like to come with you" said Walter smiling, "I haven't been to a beach in a long time. Besides I can use the vacation."

Pip started repacking the beach stuff, "We'll show her that the beach is a great place and she'll wish she came with us." They climbed into the car and drove off. Meanwhile Integra was watching from her office window. She smiled, "So they decided to go after all. Dear Lord, it's going to suck when I am right." It didn't matter to the commander; she knew that her rant on beaches and their horrors would make them want to go on some stupid crusade to prove her wrong. "They think they're the only ones who need a vacation?"

Integra spent her day working until 6:00pm, and then treated herself to dinner at a high-end restaurant, a classical concert in a nearby park and then home to the library, surrounded by books, a good cigar or two and the only man that mattered to her, the good Captain Morgan. It was past 11pm when the group came back and as she made her way towards the living room, Integra could hear voices arguing and yelling at each other. The director smiled to herself, so she had been right.

"It's nearly midnight! Next time I drive!" yelled Pip.

"You drive?! You can't even read a simple map!" hollered Walter, which was really out of character for the usually soft spoken butler.

"I told you to turn left, ya old coot!"

"None of this would have happened if you took the short cut I told you about!" screamed Seras.

"That short cut leads to a public pool, Police girl!" roared Alucard.

"No it does not, you big red wanker!"

By now Integra had made herself comfortable on one of the chairs, sipping a glass of Jack. Even though she thought she would most likely go deaf from all the yelling, it would be worth it. It was about twenty minutes of arguing between the four, before they realized they were being watched. Integra smirked, "I take it you had a good time today?"

Pip nodded, "Of course, it was a …."

"No! It was terrible! We had a bloody rotten time!" interrupted Seras. Pip and Alucard glared at her. "I thought that we agreed that we would say that we had a good time, Seras!"

"I can't lie to Sir Integra, besides she's not stupid, she would have found out!"

"You're being childish, Police Girl."

"This coming from the doofus who pouted because some guy laughed at him."

Integra could only shake her head; she knew she was right, "So what exactly went wrong?"

Walter sighed, he knew his boss was getting a kick out of their misery, but decided to tell her anyway, "It was going fine until, Pip got us lost."

"I did not get us lost, you asked if you were supposed to turn left and I said yes!"

"No you said 'right'!"

"'Right' as in 'correct'!"

Walter sighed, "As I was saying, we arrived to the beach three hours later, even though it was only an hour and a half away. All of the good spots were taken, so we had to get a spot pretty far from the water."

Integra raised a pale eyebrow, "There's such a thing as a 'good' spot at the beach?"

"Yes. We had to rent one of those ridiculously expensive umbrellas because someone left the umbrellas here. It took an hour to set that contraption up."
"Don't forget to add that Seras was whining about being too hot" mumbled Pip.

"Shut up, Pip!"

Walter ignored the two, "By then the food was bad and what was edible was stolen by a flock of ornery seagulls. But the food provided by the vendors wasn't so bad. While playing in the water though, how do I say this? Seras had…."

Seras who had turned a bright red color, "You don't need to tell her that part!"

From the looks on Alucard and Pip's faces, Integra knew right away what had happened. "I told you to put on something more decent, Seras."

"THIRTY MINUTES! THIRTY MINUTES! I WAS FROLICKING AND RUNNING AROUND TOPLESS FOR THIRTY MINUTES!"

Pip and Alucard burst out laughing, while Walter looked embarrassed. Integra gestured towards her chest area and asked "You mean to tell me; you didn't feel a breeze?" Seras looked mortified. Of course, the result of Seras running around topless, were stares of horror and others who followed her 'example'.

Walter continued "This soured Miss Seras' mood so she moped for the rest of the time. Then some uncouth man took the surf board that Pip had brought and would not give it back."

"Yeah that bastard took my board. That was expensive! You owe me a new one, Sir."

Integra glared at the mercenary, "And why is that?"

"Because your stupid pet vampire was useless. He threatened to hurt the guy, but did nothing when the guy laughed in his face." Alucard who was used to being feared by even just his glare, was shocked when the board thief just laughed in his face. It stunned him, a human besides Integra, who wasn't scared by him.

Integra scoffed, "Use Alucard as a surfboard then, I'm not buying you a new one. You probably weren't all that good at surfing anyway."

Seras nodded in agreement; "He really wasn't."

"No one asked you" growled Pip.

Walter cleared his throat, "When we finally decided to leave, we were again lost because apparently, no one here knows how to read a map."

"Don't blame me, I fell asleep" interjected Seras.

"At night? You're supposed to be a vampire" sneered Alucard.

"You do notice we all went to the beach, during the day, right?" countered Seras.

"I know how to read a map, you need to get glasses" said Pip "you got one on one eye, get a second one."

"It's called a monocle, simpleton."

"Get a second one, old man."

Integra stood up, now that she knew what happened, she could care less if they argued all night if they did not keep her up. "I'd hate to tell you I told you so, but hell, I told you so. Nothing good comes from a large amount of barely dressed, smelly, possibly drunk people congregating in one place. You should have listened to me. I'm going to bed, try not to be too loud. Good night." When the commander left, Pip looked at the others and said "I got tickets to a football game, who's in?"

Chapter End

Author's note: Integra's reasons for not going to the beach are the same reasons why I don't go to the beach and that's just the short list. Hope you enjoyed.