Stick to your Guns (or your chairs)

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

Author's Note: Part three of my three-shot. I got the idea for this prank when I remembered the movie Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit. Great movie!

It had taken Alucard WEEKS to get rid of the green in his hair. Every time Integra saw him, she tried not to laugh and failed miserably. And the Wild Geese had a hoot and day with his new 'hairstyle'. It was humiliating, how dare they laugh at him? How could his master do this to him and for what reason? Well if she wanted a war, she'd get one! Alucard ordered a large bucket of clear super sticky crazy glue. Before the next meeting, Alucard went into the meeting room and lathered Integra's chair with a healthy amount on the seat and the back of the chair. This would be good.

The meeting had been a good one, agreements had been easy to come by, money had been given generously and for once every one seemed to be in a good mood, enough not to wank at the mention of a certain draculina. Integra had just adjourned the meeting, this was the part that Alucard was waiting for. Ironically everyone at the table rose at the same time, well almost. One very unfortunate soul ripped their pants, the back of their suit jacket and tore out some hair. Everyone's attention turned to the sod at the sound of fabric tearing and a yelp of pain at their hair being stuck to the glue. Alucard was about to burst into the room and laugh at Integra, only there was something very wrong. The commander was NOT the one that was stuck in her seat, instead it was Sir Islands and he was not happy. "Sir Integra! What is the meaning of this!?"

"ALUCARD! WALTER! SERAS! PIP! GET YOUR SORRY ASSES IN HERE, THIS INSTANT!" When the four arrived in the conference room, the knight glared at them for a long moment and then said in a very quiet, very deadly voice; "I would like to know whose bright idea it was to do that! And before you lie or come up with some smart-ass answer, just know I have thought up some very creative and painful punishments for each one of you."

Walter, the bravest of the group spoke first; "Sir Integra, you know that I am too old to be playing such ridiculous games and I have known these gentlemen for a long time, I would never stoop so low as to do this."

"That leaves you three" growled Integra. Pip spoke up next; "I wouldn't risk a job or a paycheck by doing something like this, and after the dip in pay recently, I can vouch for my men."

The commander seemed satisfied and said; "Alucard, would you care to explain to Sir Islands why he is in the predicament he is in now?"

"Why do you assume it's me, master?"

"You're the only idiot who would think of something like this!"

Alucard looked away before saying: "That was meant for you, Sir Integra."

The men at the table gasped and Integra looked shocked; "What the hell did you just say?"

"That was meant…"

"HAVE YOU GONE OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND!? YOU WOULD DARE TO RAISE YOUR HAND AGAINST YOUR MASTER, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF UNDEAD HORSESHIT!?"

For a first time in a long time, Alucard felt fear; "Well you dyed…."

"You still think I switched your shampoo out for hair dye, it that it!?"

"Master! I'm sorry, that was me!" explained Seras. Alucard glared at Seras; "Why would you do that!?"

"Because you kept throwing dead animals in the shower when I was in there!"

There were several groans from the Round Table as they remembered Seras' 'exposé'. Integra whirled on them; "Oh get over it, you dirty old fools and get out! Sir Islands send me the bill." With the knights scurried out of the room, covering their fronts as best they could.

"Why do they all have boners?" asked Alucard.

"That's a story I'll tell you….IN A YEAR!" shouted Integra.

Later that evening, Walter tried to convince Integra to be a bit more lenient on her punishment on Alucard, but she was not hearing it. Alucard was sealed in a blessed silver coffin, butt naked for a year. What was a worse, there were a new set of seals that made sure that the vampire would be conscious of the pain. The commander then told the rest of the staff that there were to be no more pranks or jokes in the manor. The only time they could laugh was when she allowed them to do so. And Alucard only had 364 days until his punishment was over.

Chapter End

Author's Note: This is in time for April fool's, neat! That was a total coincidence. Hope you enjoyed!