Hellsing Chronicles

Sapphirewyren

Integra Discovers Fanfiction

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

Author's Notes: The title is correct, this is not a "Alucard Discovers" story. This is what happens when Integra finds out about Hellsing fanfiction.

The wintery wind blew through the bare trees and sent swirls of snow from the lawn into the air. Integra was glad to be inside her office, where it was warm and cozy, even if she was doing paperwork. Soon it would be tea time, Walter would bring in a silver tray with a teacup and saucer, a teapot of boiling water and a box of Ceylon tea bags or better yet for this cold day, peppermint tea. There would be would be either, sugar, cream, honey or lemon for her to choose from. Integra loved her tea time and she loved it at the same time every day. So today when it didn't come, at first, she decided to give Walter about ten more minutes. Ten minutes passed and still no tea. Integra got up from her desk and headed towards the kitchen to give her butler a piece of her mind. The kitchen however was empty. Integra sighed, she was not going to wander around the manor looking for her butler, so she headed straight for his room. So engrossed was Walter in reading whatever it was on his computer screen that he did not hear his boss, first knock, then open the door to his room. What the hell would be so important that he forgets her damn tea? Integra took a closer look at the screen over the butler's shoulder. After reading a couple lines on the computer, Integra could only say; "I DID WHAT WITH ALUCARD'S WHAT!? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU READING!?"

Walter nearly jumped a mile into the air, before fumbling with the mouse and minimizing the screen. Both employer and employee stared at one another for several uncomfortable minutes before Integra said; "What was that filth you were so into that you could not bring me my bloody tea on time!?"

Meanwhile outside the room, Alucard, Pip and Seras were listening in.

"You know this is your fault right, Police Girl?"

"How is it mine?"

"You introduced him to that website."

"I didn't know he was gonna be a pervert. I just read the funny ones and nothing past the rating K."

"I'm glad she didn't catch me" said Pip in relief.

"By the way, my master already knows where you and your men keep your porn stash" chuckled Alucard.

"Shut it you two, I want to hear this!" hissed Seras.

Back in the room, Integra was still raving at poor Walter and the butler was trying to explain himself.

"It's not what it seems, Sir."

"Really? Then enlighten me because all I see is a dirty old man reading dirty stories about his boss!"

"The author is very well written and has a way with words…I certainly was not reading it for the content…."

"Yes, dirty words! It's disgusting Walter, extremely disgusting. And don't give me that literary bullshit. I'd like to know how this 'well written' author know what I look like naked!"

"It's fanfiction, Sir."

"It's filth! It's derogatory! And I will not have you reading such nastiness in my house!" With that the commander stormed out of the room, she didn't even notice the three eavesdroppers that were pressed against the wall. When Integra was gone, Alucard entered Walter's room, opened up the screen and began reading. After a while he chuckled, "This author certainly does have a way with words. He's very descriptive of my master's body, describing things even I have never seen before."

"Go way, Alucard" said Walter.

"How do you even read this stuff about Sir Integra? I find that pretty disrespectful" said Seras disgustedly.

"I never thought of her to be the type to leave any hair down there" mused Pip.

"GET OUT!" shouted Walter.

"Fine, we'll leave you to your boner, old man" laughed Pip. Walter only groaned. From that day on, Integra decided to forego tea time, she preferred not to eat or drink anything that Walter touched. She figured if he read shit like that, she had a feeling she knew where his hands might have been.

Chapter End

Author's Notes: I might add a second part to this. I figured that Integra would not like any of the fanfics about her, especially the ones that ship her and Alucard. Imagine Integra finding out pervs ship her with Maxwell.