A/N: Coffee Time Theater presents a somewhat expanded version of my earlier VERY short parody of the 1976 film "Logan's Run".

Logan's (Coffee) Run

"What I don't understand is why they feel the need to run," Logan 5 said as he looked at the body. He and fellow Sandman Francis 7 had chased the man through the Great Hall; to be honest, they had toyed with the man - their handheld locators had traced the man's position based on the life crystal embedded in his hand. It had been flashing red; an indicator that his allotted thirty years of life were over, he had reached Last Day, and he needed to attend the Carrousel to get renewed. Now it was dark as the man lay dead, terminated according to procedure. After taking something out of the runner's hand, Logan searched the body for other items; there was no currency used in their life in the domed city, but you never knew what odd trinkets might be found. Rumor had it that one runner held an AARP card, whatever that was.

"Does it really matter? Maybe he had some injury that damaged his brain," Francis suggested. "I can't think why anyone wouldn't be anxious to get renewed so they could start a new life again. Maybe he did it on a dare, or had a bad reaction to some food he ate and thought we were monsters instead of just Sandmen trying to kill him. But he did give us a good challenge - think of how boring it would be if they were called 'Walkers'."

"An injury might be the reason for this one, but it doesn't explain why the others do the same. There has to be another explanation. Maybe..."

"Logan, you worry too much. If there weren't Runners, there wouldn't be a need for Sandmen to stop them and you and I would be just like everyone else. Yes, we would still have all our needs taken care of like everyone else, but we wouldn't have the status of working for Deep Sleep. I wouldn't want to give THAT up," he said with a grin. "Besides, we get to wear these ultra-cool uniforms," he said as he studied their mostly-black attire. "Colors of the rainbow can get so boring sometimes."

"I'm not complaining - I'm just wondering, is all." He spoke into his communication device and called for a body disposal. An automated unit with the words 'Protein Recycler' on the side almost immediately appeared, and in short order scooped the body up and whisked it away. "I wonder where the body goes?"

"Logan..." Francis chided.

"Don't you ever think about where things go, or where they come from?"

"Are you kidding? My job is to enjoy everything I do - and I do it very well, my friend. I've still got three years left to eat, drink and be merry with as many women as I can, so why worry? What I'd enjoy right now, though, is something warm to drink. Join me?"

"You go ahead. I'm going to log the report." Logan waved goodbye, then punched a few buttons on his device. Absentmindedly, he remembered something he had found clenched in the man's hand and looked at it. It was a small figure, or maybe a symbol. He would investigate it more fully later, he thought, as he put it into his pocket.

Back home, he changed out of his uniform and into something that wouldn't be stained by liquids or bodily fluids before dialing up a drink on his kitchen unit.

Unable to comply

the display read while a soft voice repeated the words. It wasn't the first time a beverage request had generated an error. He tried again and got the same response. It was the year 2274; Logan thought they would have perfected the system by now. He ordered a snack, and then tried to order a coffee again. The third attempt was successful and he took the steaming cup from the small dispenser.

Logan looked at his snack and drink. They looked delicious, but what would be even better was some company. Francis had told him a new joke, and he wanted to try it on someone while they were drinking - the hilarity of the victim spraying out their beverage mid-drink while laughing was something not to be missed. He dialed up the Find-a-Friend® until he stopped on a beautiful woman and signaled interest. She stepped out of the materialization booth into his room.

"Hello, I'm Logan 5."

"I'm Jessica 4+2," she replied.

"Can I call you 6? I hate hyphenated names." Logan noticed she had a choker with the same figure on it that the runner had in his death clutch.

Jessica took a deep breath and smelled the hot coffee. She rushed over to the cup and looked at it. "Give me that coffee and you can call me anything."

"It's yours, Anything." Jessica snatched up the cup and took a drink and the look of bliss covered her face. "I really needed that. I've tried all day to get a cup without success."

"I've had a little trouble, but let me get another." Logan returned to his kitchen and requested another cup; the dispenser returned to the error message, and he gave up after the sixth attempt. "I don't understand it; I can order juice and there's never a problem. Drinks, food, drugs and even hard to get things - like something called an intake manifold for a Volkswagen - anything except coffee."

"I don't care," she said, taking another sip. "Whatever you want, I'll give it to you," she said with a wry smile. She shrugged and her clothes fell off.

Logan helped her put them back on. "They really should design these differently," he said. "But what I want is - to know what that thing is around your neck."

"It's a small choker made out of some type of metal; I don't know what."

"No, what's that ON the choker?"

"Nothing important. Oops, I just remembered that I have an appointment already scheduled in a few minutes."

"Have them reschedule it."

"I can't, they're...they're...going to be in Carrousel tomorrow and he wanted to out with a bang."

Logan sighed. Women seemed to use that excuse a lot with him; maybe he shouldn't hang his Sandman uniform where everyone could see it. "Okay; another time then."

"Another time," she said before entering the Find-a-Friend® booth and disappearing with a small wave.

The next day, Logan went to the Deep Sleep center and attempted to find out what the figure was that had been on the Runner. He walked through the City monitoring room, entered the main chamber and approached the materializer platform in the middle of the room. Electronic panels and displays glowed in various colors around him.

He placed his life crystal in the materializer and said "Logan 5 reporting."

"Identity confirmed," the computer spoke.

He withdrew his hand and asked "Request identification of object,".

"Present object," a voice from a speaker somewhere indicated. Logan did as requested and stepped back as lasers scanned the object from many different angles. The beams ended and the voice directed him to remove the object, which he did.

When no further information was volunteered, he spoke up. "Question: What is the object?"

"The object is metallic. A small loop on one end has wear patterns that suggest it was worn on a necklace, bracelet or suspended from an article of clothing. The upper design is that of an ankh. The lower section's function is unknown. The ankh is a symbol of the group of citizens known as Runners and a place known as Sanctuary."

"How is it used?"

"Logan 5, disregard the object - you have a new mission of much more importance."

"More important than Runners? But I'm a Sandman!"

"Logan 5, do you identify this object?" The computer voice, although soft, was insistent as it showed an image on the large screen. Although the computer had no name, Logan 5 would have considered Torquemada to be appropriate if he had ever been taught history.

"Negative. Question: What is the object?" Logan 5 sat in the chair and looked at the object on the screen. It was a small oval shape about the size of his fingernail, brown in color, and mostly smooth with some irregularities in the shape.

"The object is a coffee bean. It is used in the production of the beverage coffee" the computer explained as it zoomed and rotated the image.

"Question: The coffee I drink every morning is made from a small pill?" Logan 5, like most of the people that he knew, enjoyed the coffee they received out of the beverage dispenser every day without really giving thought to its origin. He was starting to question some things in their world, but coffee was not one of them. The important part was his day wasn't quite right unless he had some coffee first thing in the morning. Lately, he HAD been getting those occasional system error message when making a request for the drink. "There isn't a problem with the coffee is there?" He tried to fight the beginnings of a growing worry. Maybe he just misunderstood the information.

"There has been a shortage of coffee - the hydroponic gardens have had a catastrophic failure. Your mission is to leave the city and find coffee beans, Logan 5. Please...find more coffee beans. Forget about the runners, no one will even want to live past twenty if we don't get a new supply. I...I...sorry, I can't compute properly without it."

"Question: You're a computer, why do you need coffee?" This was bad; without coffee the dome's civilization would invariably fall apart. Certainly, having the central computer unable to think would only hasten the chaos – the computer was responsible for everything.

"Part of my structure is organic. How do you think I keep all the people happy? Nonstop, around the clock 'I want this, I need that'...sorry, I'm really irritable right now, and I think I have a memory-ache. Please Logan 5, go find coffee. Use the Runner network to leave the dome and go outside."

Logan 5 had moved from worry into a near panic, which would probably turn to frenzy in short order. "Question: What is outside?"

"Just quit with the questions and go get the coffee! Go find that tart Jessica 2X3 or whatever her name is and leave. Get the object 'coffee bean' out of the materializer behind you to take as an example. Do not let this information get out to others; mobs will tear each other apart if they find out we're…almost… out..." The computer started to sob.

"Maybe there's another way..." Logan started.

The lights in the room turned various colors, a clicking sound could be heard for a few seconds and then he saw that the red life crystal in his hand was now blinking. "Happy?" the computer asked. "Now you have to go. If she starts talking about some place called Sanctuary, just nod your head and agree - it's not important right now."

"Question: Will I get my four years back?" The computer hummed a tune and refused to answer him. This was going to be a very bad week, he thought; he already had a dull throbbing in his head. Logan 5 backed out of the room, grabbing the coffee bean as he went.

Outside, he donned a pair of gloves to conceal the blinking crystal. That was too easy, he thought to himself. That was, until Francis walked up and got an alert on his locating device. "I've got a Runner in the area," he declared as he started to scan around.

"That's me - my...ah...scanner is acting up today," Logan quickly said. "Let me show you." He walked around Francis, holding up his device while the other Sandman scanned. "See? I'll probably have to get a new one."

"I hate when that happens. Say, why are you wearing gloves?"

"I'm...ah...doing some gardening." Logan quickly sidled over to a planter and stuck his gloved finger in the soil. "That one's a little on the dry side, heh heh. It probably could use a little bug spray too."

"You're acting a little strange. Maybe you need to sit down, relax and have a cup."

"Thanks Francis, I will...I found someone yesterday who I'm going to get to know a little better."

"That's the spirit! See you later, my friend. I can always count on you."

"Yeah. Right," Logan said as he pretended to check a leaf while his friend left. The computer had told him he had to get find Jessica and get out of the city, whatever that meant. He managed to locate Jessica in her apartment. "Jessica, there's something important we have to do and we don't have a moment to lose."

Two hours later, he and Jessica were putting their clothes back on. "That wasn't what I meant, but thanks," he said before asking "So what convinced you that I'm a Runner now?"

"You didn't. I just don't have anything else to do this afternoon," she said. "It was either that or stare at an empty coffee cup. Are you sure you can't get one more?"

"It took me a dozen tries to get that one, and a Sandman is supposed to have a higher priority than anyone else when it comes to rationing."

"Did you say...rationing? Coffee rationing?" she asked, her eyes getting wider.

"No, no, no! I said 'trashing'. You must have misheard me - some of the disposal units have been backing up lately."

"Oh, that's a relief - you had me worried for a moment."

"Enough time for that later."

"What?"

"Nothing. Here, I have a special treat - something that's I've saved for five years." He pulled out a few brown candies and blew the dust off of them. "Coffee treats."

Before he could do anything, Jessica snatched them out of his hand and popped them in her mouth. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she let out a loud "Mmmmm" sound. After a they had melted away, she looked at him. "For that I would follow you to the ends of the Earth."

"Close enough," Logan muttered.