The sun was high and it felt good on her skin. She leisurely stretched, her back popping as she did so. The grass she lied on was soft and actually quite comfortable. Leah wondered if she could manage a nap outside without someone spotting her and thinking she was insane.
Suddenly, the sun was blocked. A dark form stood over her.
"Hey, mom," Leah murmured. Her mother should be back at Charlie's by now. Leah knew that Sue spent as much time with him as possible. Her mother didn't want to force Seth to move into Charlie's home, nor did she want to force her boyfriend to move into hers. So she stretched herself between the two.
Yet, she hadn't left this morning, on Charlie's day off, to go visit him.
"Leah, I know that I'm not your father," her mother sighed, sorrow in her voice. "You came to him about everything and anything. But I'm still your mother. I could tell something was off with you last night."
Leah wrinkled her nose. She felt warm inside at the fact her mother loved and cared for her enough to come to her when she thought she was needed. But she hadn't talked about this with anyone but her therapist. Dr. Castleman was at least a hundred miles away and she didn't feel like making the trip when she had grown enough to handle this on her own. "I'm fine, mom," she said finally, knowing Sue would only stand there until she gave her an answer.
It was a surprise when her mother lowered herself down beside her, sitting in the grass carefully so as not to stain her jeans. "Well, Leah Clearwater, you and I both know that's bullshit. You were so happy when I first saw you yesterday. Then it was gone when I saw you come home last night." Leah swallowed but didn't say anything. "Honey, I love you and I want you to stay. But if being here causes you pain, you know I would never hold it against you for leaving again."
Leah sighed. "I'm through with running away, mom. It was time to go home. I like being home. I have a lot of memories here, good and bad. But I'd like to start making some new ones. Some happy ones." It was true. She didn't want to think of La Push and only be reminded of the pain it brought. From her time with Sam, to her father's death, to becoming a wolf. It was time to put the bad in the past behind her and focus on the good, even if it was hard to do.
Still, to do that, she couldn't bury her issues and hope they never resurfaced again. They always would. They always had. So she resolved to talk about them.
"Emily's pregnant," she said suddenly. Sue was startled by her sudden and loud declaration before calming.
"Yes, I know. I wanted to tell you… but, like I said, you just came home and you were so happy. I didn't want to be the one to ruin it." Leah smiled over at her mother, who always tried to place her children's best interests at heart.
"It's not really the fact it's her and Sam that's pregnant that upsets me. I'm happy for her, in a way, I suppose. She always wanted kids. It's just the fact she's pregnant. I still haven't had a period, mom. I might never have one again. I have to come to terms with the fact…" Leah suddenly stopped as memories overcame her. Conversations held with Sam about children. He had wanted a big family. He was scared to be a father, but was confident he would be a better one than his own. Leah had wanted to wait as long as she could, build a life for herself, but it was something she had always wanted as well. Now, it really didn't matter if she wanted a child today or in ten years. She probably would never get the chance, not with Sam or with anyone. "I might never have kids. I might never get to be a mother."
Sue was quiet for a moment, her brow line creasing then relaxing, then doing it all over again. "You know, I didn't want kids." Leah gasped.
Sue laughed. "Well, I didn't. But your father and your grandparents wore me down." Leah let out her own chuckle. Sue was strong and clear headed, it wasn't difficult to imagine a younger version of her mother so driven in her nursing career that she wouldn't even consider the thought of anything distracting her from it, much less children. "Don't get me wrong. I love you and Seth more than anything in the world. You two are my biggest accomplishments in life. But at one time, I had wanted to travel and live my life and at the time I just didn't see kids in that picture."
"What changed?"
Sue sighed, then smiled softly. She tilted her head back in the sun, her long, black hair, so similar to Leah's though it was graying, fell behind her. "Oh, I don't know. Your father for one. But also, people don't stay the same. The things we want sometimes are not what we need. The things we need we don't always know we need. I do believe in fate, and as confusing as the spirits are, I do believe there is a reason for everything." Sue patted Leah's hand. "Everything will work out, honey. If you're meant to be a mother, and I do think you are, fate will find a way. It may be adoption or it may be by birth, but the spirits have not abandoned you. Family has not abandoned you. What you need will be given to you. What you want may not be what you need, but in the end it will make you happy."
"Mom, that's confusing as hell."
Sue snorted and laughed. "Leah, what I'm trying to tell you is that worrying over this will cause you nothing but more pain. You have to trust that in the end, life will work out how it's supposed to. I know with all this imprint and werewolf business you've kind of given up on fate dealing you a fair hand, but there is a plan for you." She cocked her head as if in thought. "And if this imprinting business is really to produce a stronger werewolf lineage, I guarantee you're meant to pass on the gene. It may not have been with Sam, but it will be with someone."
Her words brought some comfort. If by some chance she did have a child one day, she knew she would be ecstatic, but if that wasn't the case, she knew she would be okay. Life had thrown so much at her, and she'd had to fight her way through it, but in the end she had come out strong and resilient. The person she'd become was not someone a Leah a few years ago would have envisioned in her future, but she was proud of how far she had come nonetheless. The past Leah had been naive and young and life had to knock her down so that she could get back up. She was on her way to happiness and one way or another she would find it - with or without children.
"Thanks, mom."
XXXXX
Leah found herself in the woods. It was quite a nice day out and she was inclined for the forest. For the past two years, she had gone on hikes and run through parks and went camping. Anything to bring back the freedom of being in the wild. A part of her craved her wolf, but she supposed it always would. She wanted to run and hunt and fight. Being in nature subdued some of that urge. She knew living in the city, far away from the trees and wildlife would never be something she could sustain permanently. Not without going mad.
Without realizing it, she found herself running. She pushed herself faster and faster and faster. She would never be as quick as she was in wolf form, but she knew that in a race against any human, she would leave them in the dust.
The scent of another wolf hit her before she heard the gallop of feet alongside her.
Paul.
Besides Jacob, Paul was probably the quickest in the pack. She wasn't including herself anymore, but if she had, she knew she beat both of them by a long shot.
He ran alongside her, his dark eyes darting over at her before he bared his teeth and pushed ahead: a challenge. She smiled devilishly and without breaking a sweat, pounded her feet against the ground with new fervor. Even in her human form, she held up with him, her body a blur through the trees.
"Come on, Paul," she yelled, grinning. She caught a little lead, throwing over her shoulder at him, "Are you holding back on me or are you really as slow as I remember?" He let out a sharp bark, taking a bounding leap so that he came up beside her. She could see the muscles and sinews in his legs moving beautifully and gracefully under his coat as he picked up speed, passing her. "That's more like it!"
She pushed herself to the point her heart was practically beating out of her chest. Despite being human, she kept up good pace, but she could see Paul gaining more and more lead. With one last burst of adrenaline, she pushed toward him and rammed against his side.
If he hadn't been so caught off guard, she might not have pulled it off, but he thought this had been a race and hadn't been expecting a surprise attack. He stumbled and with a growl, almost fell. She shot past him and once she was about ten feet away, stopped.
"I win." He growled again. "Oh, don't be a sore loser, Paul." She laughed, her breath now short with how much she had exerted herself. "That was fun. I've had to hold back for far too long now."
He whined and bared his teeth, this time for a different reason. He was angry and she could tell. She leaned against a tree, crossing her arms. She did her best to catch her breath while staring him down. "Is someone mad at me? Well, if you want to fight me, you're going to have phase back. I don't do wolf anymore."
And phase back he did. Unashamedly naked, he glared at her. She was careful to keep her eyes on his face, not that she hadn't seen everything all the guys in the pack had to offer. Still, that didn't mean she was dying for a another peek.
He stalked towards her. "Seems to me you're the one who's slowed down. Had to resort to cheating." She shrugged. So what? If he wanted a fair race, then they should both be human. She knew who would come out on top in that scenario though so she didn't offer it up. Beating him again would only resort in an even angrier Paul. She didn't particularly want to get in a real fight, even if the need to unleash her energy and animal like violent tendencies was so tempting her fingers twitched and a familiar tendril of energy coiled in her gut.
She doubted her inner wolf would ever disappear, even if she had left that life behind. It lurked in her body, ready to take over at the slightest weakness of her calm psyche.
He moved to put on his shorts, tied to his ankle by a cord. "Aren't you on patrol?" she asked curiously, wondering why he was bothering with his human form for long if he was on duty.
"Yeah, but shit doesn't happen around here anymore. We've only had one vampire come around after Jake and the Cullens left. He was so easy to take down we could have left it to the newbies." She was relieved to hear that. The wolves' life must be boring now, running patrol with no real reason other than Sam's paranoia. Still, boring around here was something to be appreciated after everything that happened. There was no need to constantly worry over Bella and the horde of vampires that threatened her and basically everyone that lived in her vicinity. There was less wondering if one of them might bite the bullet one day and someone would have to deliver the news to one of their mothers or fathers. Bella had been a magnet for trouble and Leah was glad she was gone. They had never been friends. Leah might have been prepared to die for her and for Jacob's imprint, but it was more for than just that. It was putting herself on the line to protect life itself. It was for the people of their tribe and everyone else Bella had brought threats to with all her troubles.
Still, the remaining wolves of the pack kept phasing for a reason. And that reason was to defend the Rez. It didn't matter if their personal motivations to keep transforming were something different than that. The one and only reason their kind existed was for that sole purpose. To protect La Push.
Leah began to walk, following the well worn path made by the continuous patrols of other wolves. It spanned the border of the treaty. The treaty no longer really existed once the Cullens moved, but it still stood as a trustworthy perimeter to stick to surrounding the Rez. Paul fell in beside her. It didn't matter if he was in human form and she was no longer a shifter, if there was a job to do, it had to be done. She wouldn't let someone get eaten simply because she wanted to mess around with Paul.
"What have you been up to?" she questioned, genuinely curious. His life had been a difficult one. Though if he ever caught one of them pitying him, he would have given them hell for it. Back then, he really had been too much of an asshole for anyone to adequately sympathize with him. But just like Leah, he had used anger as a defense mechanism. Anger kept people away. And when the only thing most people had caused you was pain, it seemed better to push them out.
"Same shit, really. Running patrol, kicked Jared's ass for beta. His head is really too wrapped up in Kim to give a rat's ass about it anyway." Kim was a sweet girl, but just like with everyone else, Leah had never really considered her a friend. Kim had only known the bitter version of her, just barely scraping by in the pack with insults and bitchiness as her only ammunition. That, coupled with her admiration for Emily, had made Kim stay far away from her.
Leah really didn't care about any of that stuff, instead she tried again. "Yeah, yeah, pack stuff. Same shit, different day. But what about you, what have you been doing with your life?"
Paul scowled, then shrugged. "Dad's renting me the house. He moved in with some lady in Forks. I've been working at a garage fixing up all the shitty cars around here. I get by. Can't complain, I guess." She nodded and smiled, glad to hear this. His father hadn't been home really ever. He had slept at his work or his girlfriend's. There had never been groceries in the house and though it was a place to sleep, Paul thought that his father would sell the place and he would be without a home. Back when all the crazy shit had been going down and with so many vampires, no one in the pack could hold down a job. The ones in school barely made it to class, let alone were able to pass.
"That's good."
"Yeah." Paul glanced over at her and shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts. "What about you? You seem less of a bitch."
She laughed. "Well, it helps I no longer transform into one." He cracked a smile. He always had such an asshole-ish or angry look on his face, he really was rather handsome when he showed happiness. Of course, everyone in the pack was built like a God and she knew all the girls that set eyes on the boys had drooled over them, she'd seen that in their own minds. Still, Paul's face, with high cheekbones and a strong jawline, held a particular appeal. He knew it too. He'd had his choice of ass and had shared images of it with the group far too often.
"You really don't phase anymore?"
She sighed. "No. It was time to put that behind me. I couldn't move on from La Push if everytime I phased in all I could hear was what going on here. Plus, we both know Sam was a problem for me. And I was a problem for him. It's better this way."
He looked her up and down, giving her an appreciative look. "Well, your body hasn't changed, that's for sure. You're still as fucking fine as I remember," he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. She smacked him on the arm, but couldn't help the flattered smile on her face.
"Yeah. I don't really know what the deal with that is. I guess my wolf genes are so strong that not only did it make me the first female shifter, but now they don't quite want to let the human part of me take over completely quite yet."
He looked as if he didn't particularly care about their conversation, but his next words were surprisingly wise and thoughtful. "I don't know. Maybe you got some unfinished business with your wolf or something." She frowned. Perhaps there was a part of her, her wolf, holding onto something it couldn't let go. Maybe there was something unconscious she needed to deal with, something left untouched in her, that not even she was aware of. But what was it?
"That's actually kind of helpful. When did you get so smart?" she teased. He cast her a grin that was all teeth.
"Baby, I've always been a fucking genius. You assholes are just too wrapped up in yourselves to see it." She rolled her eyes.
"Well, your ego is definitely the same. Even if you have gotten a tiny bit more intelligent." He growled at her, almost playfully. She growled back, baring her teeth.
"You trying to start something, Clearwater?" he baited, clearly itching for some sort of fight.
She flipped her hair behind her. "Even if I was, I don't phase anymore. And I don't think you want anyone to see a girl kick your ass while you're human."
With those words, he pounced on her, bringing her to the ground. He held her there, arms pinned with a triumphant smile. It was only for a second though, because with ease, she kicked his feet out from under him and flipped both of them around. She sat on top of him, straddling him. His own arms shackled in her clutches and he was unable to move for the moment. She stared smugly at him, satisfied she had bested him so easily.
"I win," she said.
She found lazy eyes and a lackadaisical smile peering up at her. He eyed their predicament, her suggestively on top of him, breasts in his face as she leaned over him to keep him pinned. "No, I win," he countered in drawl.
She scoffed and immediately jumped up. "Pig," she yelled, no real anger in her voice.
He rose and stretched languidly. The corner of his mouth quirked up. "No, baby, wolf."
She scoffed again, but found she couldn't really brush this off as easily as his earlier flirtatious attempts. As much as Paul had always pissed her off, he had always hit on her too. Really, all of the guys had tried to but most of them were too afraid. Paul was the only one with enough gall to try and not only anger her for a fight, but also try to seduce her into bed, which usually ended in a fight as much as his attempts to piss her off did.
Still, he was attractive and he was smooth and she had tried to avoid men in order to move on without depending on someone else. So his words made her uncomfortable and also… well, a little turned on.
Before he could make matters worse, and before he caught onto her inner feelings, she switched the subject.
"Yeah, well I'm trying to find a job. Your place hiring?"
She needed to find work and being confined in a stuffy building doing menial tasks had been her life for two years. It drove her insane sitting still. She wanted either to be outside or doing something with her hands.
"You want to work on cars?" he asked incredulously.
I raised an eyebrow at him. "I know you've been in my mind. I know my stuff. I worked with my dad on our shit Honda every time it so much as made a weird noise. Mom still calls me if she thinks something's wrong."
He gave her an appraising look. "Well, if you're serious, I'll put in a good word. But it's crappy work and it gets hot as hell in the garage in the summer." She shrugged. If she could run patrol all day on the hottest days in La Push, she could stand working in a place where there was at least shade.
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm serious. Thanks, Paul."
They resumed their patrol along the border. "You know, if you ever wanna do something, besides work and pack shifts, I'm usually free." She was sure she looked incredibly stupid with her mouth hanging open and she had to work to close it she was so surprised.
"You want to hang out? With me?" she asked incredulously.
He rolled his eyes. "Don't go getting a big head. It's just, out of the options, you're not too bad. Quil and Jared only talk about their imprints and how they shit rainbows and puke sunshine. Embry pretty much pisses me off 24/7 with how stupid he is. And Sam, well, Sam's an asshole." He was quiet for a moment, before adding, "Plus, it's hard to make friends outside of the pack. No one really understands." She nodded her head. That she really felt. It was hard to make friends, even in the two years she had been gone and human. She felt so out of depth with normal conversation sometimes. It was weird to think that most people had no idea the dark secrets of the world and the only real problems they'd ever faced were picking what college to go to or trying to get to work on time, not worrying whether they'd die in a vampire's clutches at any second.
"Yeah," Leah smiled, trying not to look too happy. "I guess I am the coolest person around here and since you basically just called me your best friend, we can hang out sometime." He snorted.
"And you said I have an ego."
She grinned. "It's not my ego if it's the truth," she joked.
It was strange how it easy it could be with people once she let down the front that had kept her protected so long. Or at least, she thought it was protecting her. It had kept her isolated and it kept people hating her. She hadn't wanted to let anyone in after the people she trusted most had hurt her. Really, it was easier to be treated badly by someone who hated you than by someone you cared about. But that barrier of anger she had used to shield herself from people had also brought her loneliness and unhappiness. She wondered if had she given people more of a chance and worked to let them in, if her time in the pack would have gone a lot smoother.
Leah considered herself lucky, after spending so much time hating and enraging Paul, to have a chance to see the more easygoing, friendly side.
"Hey? What are you doing tomorrow?" she asked.
Paul looked surprised for a split second before a smirk settled onto his features. "That eager, huh, Clearwater?"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up. I was just seeing if you wanted to go cliff diving. I haven't been in two years and that's actually something I missed about this place."
Paul pretended to look hurt. "You didn't miss me?"
Leah let out a sharp bark of a laugh. "Paul after crying every day for a week, I had to get over you. Just know leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do," she teased, playing the part by dramatically throwing a hand over her heart. He grinned.
"Now, that's what I like to hear. Cry no more, baby. I'm all yours tomorrow," he said with a waggle of his eyebrows.
She stuck her tongue out at him like a child.
"Anyway, I'll meet you at the top of cliffs, say one o'clock?" He was sure he knew where she would be. It was the highest place to jump from. Only she and the other wolves dared to go that high.
He crossed his arms, leaning over her. He was almost a head above her despite the fact she was still taller than almost any non-werewolf, male or female, she met. It was refreshing to be around people of her stature. "Think you can still handle it? You are just a puny human now, after all."