"Bridie, Cal! Dinner!" Kate punctuates her words with a thump on the wall, glaring at the bowls of spaghetti bolognaise on the bench top as if they were personally responsible for all her problems. Scooping a handful of cheese into her own bowl, she stabs at her food moodily with a fork. "Come on, guys! The food's getting cold."
She takes her seat at the table and picks at her food. Truth be told, she's not really that hungry at all, but she knows she needs to eat something or else she'll be up at 2am digging around in the fridge. Footsteps alert her that at least one of the girls is moving in her general direction, and a moment later Cal takes her usual seat opposite Kate. "Yum! I'm starving."
"Did you see Bridie?"
"Hmm..." Cal nods, her mouth full of food. When she's swallowed her spaghetti, she adds, "Yeah, she asked if she could borrow my laptop to look up something for a project. Said the desktop wasn't connecting?"
"Yeah. Because I grounded her and disconnected it." Kate drops her fork back into her bowl and resisting the urge to simply throw it across the room.
"Shit." Cal freezes, her fork hovering halfway to her mouth again. "I didn't know, Kate."
"It's not you I'm mad at. I'll be back in a sec." Kate pushes back her chair and makes her way down the hall. As Cal had said, her laptop sits neatly on Bridie's legs. Bridie lets out a squawk of protest as Kate lifts it from her. "Dinner's ready. And the rule was no internet."
"I'm not hungry." Bridie grumbles, choosing to completely ignore the second part of Kate's words.
"I don't care." Kate interjects swiftly. She's so done with being the bad guy, done with being ignored, or drowned in sarcasm and eye rolls. "I called you for dinner time. We're a family, and we're all sitting together." Kate glances at the computer to see what Bridie has been looking up. Patrick's name heads the search bar. "And I thought I told you to drop... this." She waves vaguely in the direction of the computer screen.
"Well, you're refusing to tell me anything about him. So why shouldn't I want to know?" Bridie stalks from the room with all the attitude of a teenager. Kate growls in frustration, pausing only to place the laptop on the bench-top as she follows.
"Bridie," Kate addresses the back of her daughter's swishing hair. "I wasn't finished talking to you-"
"Well, I'm done talking to you." Bridie snaps back, eyeing Kate malevolently as she pushes her bowl away from her. "I've got nothing else to say to you until you stop being such a selfish cow and start telling me about my own damned family, unless it's to say how competely hypocritical it is of you to say we need family time-" She frames the words in air quotes, "-when it's you who's always got some excuse not to be here-"
"Hey," Cal slams her fork to the table with a loud clatter that makes both Kate and Bridie jump. "You don't talk to her that way!" It's the angriest Kate has ever seen Cal. In fact, she'd spent most of Bridie's life constantly begging Cal not to let Bridie get away with murder, as she normally did. It was always Kate who did the disciplining. But now Cal stands, arms crossed firmly across her waist and cutting an oddly intimidating figure. Her bright red hair seems to crackle with electricity as she jabs a finger in Bridie's direction. "You don't know the first thing about what's going on. Did it ever occur to you that we had good reasons for lying?"
For a full ten seconds, Bridie looks completely taken aback by her aunt's words. Then she seems to recover, folding her own arms in much the same way as Cal. "Oh, give me a break. This wasn't a tooth-fairy lie. He's never been arrested, and everything I've read about him says he's a good guy. Tell me there's a good reason for lying to me?" Kate says nothing, and Bridie leans closer. "See! Even you can't give me a good reason-"
"Enough!" Cal demands, just as loudly as before. "I don't even recognise you, Bridie! You have no idea what your mother's gone through-"
"Cal-" Kate interjects, her voice low as she turns to her sister. "It's alright-"
"No." Cal shakes her head, and as she looks up, Kate sees that there are tears in her eyes. "I'm not going to sit here and let her speak to you like that. Especially when-"
"Don't say anything!" Kate warns, her anger fading somewhat to be replaced almost instantly with fear. Bridie can't hear the truth blurted out to her in the middle of an argument.
"Why not?" Cal's fury seems to be billowing out at both of them now. "If she's going to speak to you like Little Miss Know-It-All-Brat, then-"
"Not like this!" Kate swipes impatiently at a tear running down her cheek. Her voice softening somewhat, she turns pleading eyes towards her sister. "Please, Callie. You promised." Cal still looks furious, but it seems to soften somewhat as she sees just how upset Kate is. For a moment, the two sisters simply stare at each other, and Kate wonders if Cal too is playing a million different memories of the two of them in her head.
"See!" Bridie protests, bringing Kate crashing back to reality. "More bloody lies! I just want to know the truth!"
"Bridie-" Kate reaches out, tearing her eyes away from Cal, but Bridie stalks past. Cal half-rises out of her chair, and Kate's not sure if she's going to keep yelling, or confess everything, or something equally as crazy. Kate uses her outstretched arm to touch Cal's elbow instead. "Just leave her, Cal."
Cal looks for a moment as though she's going to protest, rocking on the balls of her heel. But then she nods solemnly and resumes her seat, stabbing moodily at her spaghetti once more. "I can't say I blame her, Kate." Cal murmurs after a while, eyes still fixed on her plate. "I mean, he's an unknown entity, isn't he? I guess it's normal that she'd... I don't know... dress him up to be some fantastic guy. Remember how I used to do that? I mean, I used to tell you stories about how my dad was an astronaut or a policeman or something. She knows you, but he's this complete mystery and..."
"You tell me how I'm supposed to tell her." Kate cuts across Cal's words, instantly regretting it as Cal drops her fork once more. Kate runs a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry. I'm being a bitch to you, I know. I just... I mean, should I have told her? It seemed like the right decision when she was a preschooler begging to know why her Daddy wasn't ever at the Fathers' Day afternoon teas. It was easier to spin some story about how he was a good guy who had to live very far away. But now... now she's not a kid anymore."
"She's got the attitude of a teenager." Cal muses drily.
"Eh. So did you." Kate shrugs, a small smile flitting across her face. "I remember you telling me that I was stupid to call her Bridie because it sounded like 'bride' and marriage was an arcolic tradition. I think you were trying to say archaic?" Kate looks up just in time to see the embarrassed eye-roll. "She's always been a good kid. But this... it's knocked her around. I mean, if I had have told her. But... she overheard us talking about him. That's..."
"Yeah, I know." Cal drops her chin into her palm, looking glum. "It was all my fault. I was pissed off and yelling-"
"It's not your fault." Kate cuts her off, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging herself. "It's mine. I should have eased her into it, maybe... I don't know, told her that her Dad wanted to be with me but I didn't want to be with him... or something."
"And then who'd be the bad guy? You!"
Kate shakes her head, and her vision blurs. A moment later, she realises that fresh tears are welling in her eyes, and she can't suppress herself from voicing her greatest fear. "Do you think she'd have been better off? If I'd given her up for adop-"
"No." Cal, who'd been slumped and glassy-eyed, looks suddenly wide awake, sitting up perfectly straight. "No. You're an amazing Mum, Kate."
"I was nineteen." Kate runs her hand through her hair again, her fingers catching on split ends. "Maybe... maybe it was selfish to keep her. Maybe if I'd-"
"How can you even think that?" Cal abandons her seat in favour of crouching in front of Kate. "You were a better mother at ten than... than she ever was. You raised me. You took me in, gave me your food when you were starving. You took my hits so I wouldn't get hurt. You kept me safe. You sacrificed everything for me. And you've fought every single day to make sure Bridie has the best possible home."
But Kate can't agree with that. Not now that everything is so screwed up. Not now she's hurt her daughter so badly she's not sure if Bridie will ever forgive her. "I was too young to have her. I was... I was nineteen. And... and the only support I had was my ten year old sister. I mean, I was going to give her to a family that could actually care for her. I wanted her to have parents and... and siblings and a Mum who wasn't screwed up. But I just saw her and I loved her so much. But... it was selfish. I... I was stupid to think I could do it-"
"Bullshit, Katie, you did do it. And, yeah, you thought about giving her up. But I saw you when you had your first ultrasound, and... and you were happier than I'd seen you in months. And when you first held her all I could think was... she's a mother. She looks like a mother." She leans closer. "It's not selfish to love your daughter. Please, please believe me, Kate. You are not the person in the wrong here. It was him. It was always him. He... he violated your trust and he made you question everything about yourself. But Kate, you are the best mother for her, and... and sometimes, especially now, you might not be the mother she thinks she wants. But you are the mother she needs. Please believe me."
Kate can't look into Cal's eyes. Even though her words are making Kate feel better, she can't silence the voice inside her hissing that she had broken her daughter beyond repair. She hates it, the endless cycle of fear and doubt and anger and confusion that has plagued her every night since that damned night. Especially when she knows he would feel none of it.
He wasn't lying awake at night tormenting himself with memories.
He didn't wake up screaming, feeling as though his weight was crushing her once more.
He didn't have to struggle with what to tell his children, or his partner or friends or family or... or anyone.
"You told Mike?" Cal begins, tentatively, and Kate looks up, twitching her head slightly in affirmation. She hadn't even stopped to consider Mike in amongst all of this. Well, in actual fact, she'd shoved him to the furthest corner of her mind, because every time she did think of him, a fresh wave of regret filled her. "How did he..."
"I shouldn't have." Kate shakes her head softly. "It was stupid." She pushes herself up from the table, heading to the kitchen and retrieving a bottle of wine from the cupboard. Just as suddenly, she replaces the bottle in the cupboard and slams the door shut. She doesn't want to be like her mother, doesn't want to use alcohol as a crutch. As she returns to the table, it's to see Cal has settled herself on the lounge again. She pats the seat next to her, and Kate takes it obediently, leaning heavily against the fabric.
"Why do you say that?" Cal challenges. "Mike's been a good friend to you."
"Oh, come on!" Kate feels herself growing irritated again, and pulls at a loose thread in the lounge. "Something like that? It changes everything. He's not going to be able to look at me without seeing me as some disgusting victim who-"
"That's not always what's going to happen."
"That's what happened when I told Lachlan-"
"Lachlan was a fuckwit from the start, anyway." Cal dismisses Kate's ex with a wave of her hand. "You were always way too good for him." Kate says nothing, simply twitching her nose, and Cal lowers her voice. "You said that you were okay with breaking up with him."
"Well, it was... it was easier, being with him. I didn't have to-"
"Feel?" Cal scowls. "Look, Lachlan was... he was an okay guy, I guess. But he was... he wasn't the birds-singing-all-the-songs-make-sense guy for you. And you never liked him enough to introduce him to Bridie."
"I never introduced anyone to Bridie."
"Except Mike." Cal points out. Kate chooses to glare in favour of pointing out to Cal that it was only because of Rose that Mike knew Bridie. "Look, all I'm saying is... this might be the first guy of yours I don't think is beneath you, and-"
"So you're saying I'm beneath him?" Kate interjects.
Cal gives a cheeky smile. "Look, you do whatever sex positions you want, but-"
"Oh, piss off." But Kate can't smother the smile that rises at Cal's words. "Thanks, Cal." For a second, she closes her eyes. At this moment, all she can fathom doing is simply sinking into the fabric and sleeping for a thousand years. But she knows that she can't stay there forever, and pulls herself to her feet. "I... I think I need to speak to Bridie."
"And what are you going to tell her?" Cal presses.
Kate sucks in a deep breath and turns to face the hallway. "The truth."
Kate can't help but look around Bridie's room as she opens the door. The room is small (although Kate and Cal's are not much bigger), but Bridie has well and truly decorated it to her tastes, and it's Kate's favourite room in the house. One wall is painted a bright golden yellow, the others a light grey, but in amongst the room are pops of bright yellow; her pillows, the photo frames on her wall, the shaggy rug in the middle of the floor. Bridie is visible only as a lump underneath the bright yellow blanket, and makes no effort to move as Kate perches beside her.
She has no idea where to start. After all, the story is such a long and complicated one. But as she rests a hand on her daughter's back and feels her steady in-and-out breathing, Kate feels a sense of calm wash over her. "I've... I've told you bits and pieces about mine and Aunty Cal's mother." Kate begins, and the lump twitches, just a bit. "Mainly that she wasn't a good mum. But the whole truth is that she was an addict, and an alcoholic. Most of the money she got, she spent on drink, or drugs. I was shunted aside and Cal... well, Cal barely had her attention at the start of her life, let alone in the throes of Mum's addiction. She was... she was bad, Bridie. Worse. Most of the time it was just cruel words she threw at us but sometimes it was... more. She... she broke my arm once with her bare hands. Just... grabbed me and wrenched." Bridie says nothing, but the blanket slips a little lower, and Kate catches a glimpse of her bright eyes through the messy hair. "She was using drugs when she was pregnant with Cal, so she was in the system before she was even born. But... for the most part, we were okay. Cal was born healthy, thankfully, and I was able to look after her well enough. But we were in and out of the system. And when I was sixteen, Mum died. She crashed the car into a tree while she was drunk, and we went into the system. Not many people want a teenager, and we were separated. And Cal... she didn't cope well without me. She'd... she'd scream and cry and throw tantrums, and I was the only one that could calm her down. So when we got offered a placement together, I was... I was so excited. No matter what sort of place it was, I could cope, as long as I had Cal with me."
Almost absentmindedly, Kate brushes a hand against Bridie's head, sweeping the hair from her face. Bridie, her eyes wide, doesn't shy away from Kate's touch, and she takes it as a good sign. "They were... were nice. They had a couple of kids around Cal's age, so she had someone to play with and I was... well, the father was kind to me. He and his wife owned a pub, and he'd let me work there, let me serve meals and tally up the till. And I know that doesn't sound like much. I mean, it was a job, right? A bit of money. But... when you're the daughter of... of someone like our mother, you get labelled as dumb, stupid, untrustworthy. And he trusted me."
"Why..." Bridie's voice is hoarse, and she clears it. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you wanted the truth." Kate says simply. "And... and I'd rather you hear it from me, than anyone else. Because I... I need you to know how much I love you." Kate swipes at the tears and continues. "I... I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. Even when you say you hate me, and you're hurting. All I want to do is protect you, Bridie." She takes another deep breath and continues on with her story. "So we got really close to them. It was like being part of a family, finally. Cal was so excited to have more sisters, and I was... I was glad I didn't have to be the parent all the time. And they were like parents to us. They... they listened to all our stories and soothed our nightmares. I loved Maddie like a mother, but him... he was my favourite. I told him... I told him all of my secrets, my fears. He was like a father and a best friend all rolled into one."
"What... what was his name?" Bridie asks, and her voice quavers. "Mum?"
Kate suspects her daughter has already figured it out, but says it anyway. "Patrick. Patrick O'Flannagan."
As soon as she says his name, she feels a revulsion so strong it's almost like nausea. It's something akin to blasphemy, to say his name in her daughter's room. Like a curse. Like she's just summoned a demon. Like, the moment his name left her lips, he'd burst through the window.
"Mum?" Bridie's voice shakes slightly. "What... what did he do?"
Again, she's sure Bridie has already guessed, but she needs her to know, to understand, to hear it from Kate. So she licks her lips and ploughs on. "It was late one night, when we were all alone, just the two of us. I was eighteen, I'd moved out and was back for the holidays. And he... he just changed. He held me down and forced me to have sex with him." Kate says the last few words in a rush, forcing herself to lock eyes with her daughter. And Kate can smell that awful dishsoap he used on the glasses staining the hand he clapped to her mouth, can see that disgusting watermark on the roof, can hear the faint Christmas carols from the other room. But she can't scar her daughter with those details. Not now. Maybe not ever. "After that," Kate continues, "I... I didn't trust anyone. I applied to get custody of Cal and as soon as I did I... I just ran." Kate clutches at a fistful of blanket. "I think I knew I was pregnant long before I... I accepted it. After all, I... I had no idea how to be a mother. I was terrified. For myself, a bit, but mostly for you. After all, how could I be a mother to you? After the only parental figures I'd known had put me in such horrific situations. And I decided I was going to give you up for adoption. Because you... you-" Kate's voice cracks, and she sees that tears are in Bridie's eyes too. "Because you deserved the best family! Parents and siblings and a happy, healthy, stable home. But the moment I held you in my arms, I... I've never felt love like that. And I wanted to protect you from everything that had ever hurt me, or Cal. And I couldn't give you up."
Bridie sobs, and reaches out to squeeze Kate's hand. "So my father... he's... he's a monster." She manages. "He's a rapist." Kate flinches. She hadn't known Bridie even knew the word. "And he's half of-"
"No." Kate cuts across her. "No, he's not half of you. You are you."
Bridie shakes her head, tears staining her sheets. "I'm the daughter of a monster. I'm the... the result of a crime."
"No!" Kate says again, and she thinks she'll soon have spilled enough tears to fill a swimming pool. "No. This is... this is what I need you to know. You're my daughter, Bridie. I don't see any part of him in you. He has never seen you and he never will. He's not a part of you, and he hasn't had a single thing to do with you." Kate lays down next to her daughter, pulling Bridie to herself. "I never wanted to lie to you. I just... I just couldn't ever fathom telling you this."So when you started to ask about... about him, I had no idea what to say. Because you... you were the best thing given to me in the worst possible way."
"I'm sorry." Bridie sobs. "I'm sorry. I was so horrible-"
"I love you." Kate smooths down Bridie's hair. "I just wanted to protect you." She presses a kiss to the top of Bridie's head, and she thinks she'd be happy if she just never let her daughter go again. "I love you so much."