Maggie was asleep on the couch when a noise woke her. She sat up quickly and reached for the lamp and turned it on.
She blinked a couple of times as her eyes adjusted. Then she got to her feet and headed in the direction of the noise.
"What are you doing up?" Maggie asked Alex who was in the kitchen. She knew Alex had heard her coming as Alex had turned in her direction for a moment.
"Couldn't sleep," Alex said.
Maggie saw that Alex had a glass in her hand and she was feeling around – obviously searching to turn the water on and get something to drink. She didn't offer her any help, letting Alex handle it on her own. It would have been simple for her to assist, but she didn't want Alex thinking that she thought it wasn't something she could handle.
Once she found the faucet she filled her glass up – a little too much, but she dumped some water out of the glass before taking a drink.
"I thought for sure you would be out until morning," Maggie said. "You were drugged up really good."
"Guess the doctor should have given me a bigger dose so when I moved in my sleep I didn't feel anything."
"Maybe you shouldn't have broken his nose and he would have."
"I broke his nose?"
Maggie chuckled, "yes you did."
Alex took another drink and then put the glass down and rubbed her forehead.
"Did you wake because you moved or because you were dreaming?" Maggie asked. She had thought back to that afternoon when Alex had woken on the couch, obviously shaken a bit before her outburst.
Alex turned back to the sink and dumped out her remaining water and placed the glass back down next to the sink. She moved to her right and felt along the cabinets until she got to the last one and reached inside. Pulling out a bottle that Maggie could barely make out what it was in the poor light that she had to see by but she knew it was alcohol. She cursed herself for not checking all the cabinets earlier.
"Come on Alex, you can't be drinking that."
"Do you want me to answer your question? If so, I get to have a drink."
Maggie weighed her options and knew that drinking was the last thing Alex should be doing.
"Ok, but just one drink," Maggie said.
Alex twisted off the cap and felt for her glass again and carefully poured in what Maggie now could tell was bourbon.
"That's enough," Maggie said as it was getting too high for her tastes. Alex felt around for the discarded cap but not finding it immediately she gave up and sat the bottle down. Maggie sighed and then opened the cabinet nearest to her and pulled out a glass and poured her own drink.
"At least let's sit on the couch," Maggie suggested.
They went over there, Maggie getting there first and moving the blanket she was using out of the way. Alex took a seat and then Maggie sat down.
Alex was leaning back, the glass held in her right hand for a moment before she took a drink. She took one more drink before she spoke.
"I can still see when I dream," Alex said. "I never really thought about it you know. Can blind people dream? It sounds silly to say it because everyone dreams, so why wouldn't blind people dream."
This time it was Maggie who took a drink. "What were you dreaming about?"
"I keep thinking about what happened. What I could have done differently," Alex said. "Where was the break down in our intel?"
Maggie wanted to stop her and ask what exactly happened as she had clearly only gotten a condensed version from Supergirl. She remained silent however not wanting to interrupt Alex for fear that she would stop.
"I mean how could I not think about it. But when I sleep it's different. I see the alien we were on the hunt for and it's right there in front of me and then it raises its hand and I knew what it was capable of. We were all wearing protective glasses that would shield our eyes, but when the other alien attacked me mine were knocked off. I had read up on this species so I knew it used light in a way that made it a tangible thing. Yet, in those few seconds I couldn't do anything and then there was this brightness. It was white and it was too bright, too intense. And that is how the dream begins."
She paused and took another fuller drink, almost draining the glass.
"Then everything after that is darkness. But I feel things. I feel this pain and this weight on top of me. I don't remember being under that building debris, but in my dreams, I think I do. The only way I can process it though is with feeling like I'm trapped. The roughness of the building materials as they press against my skin. The sound of the rescue team. The smell of broken concrete. The corded rebar that went through me. Hell, I even think I can hear the sound of my blood dripping. And I don't want to be there and so I wake up and I'm here but everything is still dark. A part of me wants to sleep so I can see again even if it is just a dream, but the other part doesn't want to ever sleep because I don't want to feel the things I feel when I'm dreaming."
This time she did down what little was left in her glass.
Maggie reached out and touched Alex's arm only to get the same reactions before –a flinch, but this time Alex dropped the empty glass.
"Sorry," Maggie said as she got up and picked up the glass, while still holding her own. She took a quick couple of drinks to finish hers off.
"I don't suppose you'll pour me another drink?" Alex said.
"I don't think that is a good idea. I shouldn't have let you have this one."
"Even if I say pretty please."
"You're cute Danvers, but you aren't that cute," Maggie said.
"I'm sure I look real cute," she said, leaning her head back against the couch. "But hey what's a few more scars. Just one more thing I have to lie to people about."
Maggie could tell Alex was slipping back into a dark mood, even more so than when she was speaking about dreaming. At least then she sounded introspective. Now she sounded defeated once more.
"I'm sorry this happened to you," Maggie said. She didn't really know what to say. Seeing Alex like this was making the ache in her chest grow exponentially. She wanted the smiling Alex from that photo to be here with her. The one who used to be happy to see her.
Alex stood up. "You should probably get back to sleep, sorry for waking you."
"I'm awake now if you want to stay and talk."
"No, I want to sleep and see my dreams."
…
Maggie was up early the next morning after not sleeping well. She showered and changed clothes and then went to check on Alex, again hoping she was sleeping. As she knocked on the bedroom door, she got a "give me a few minutes." She began to back away from the door when she heard Alex speak again but clearly she was not speaking to her.
It was muffled but she thought she heard Alex say something about it not being a good time to come over. She couldn't say for sure that is what was said, but she wondered who Alex was speaking to nonetheless. From what she had observed Alex didn't appear to be up for anyone calling or stopping by.
Walking away from the door Maggie waited for Alex to emerge – it still took nearly 20 minutes before she walked out to the main room and Maggie could tell that if Alex got anymore sleep last night it wasn't much. If nothing else, she even seemed to be more stiff than the day before.
"I made pancakes," Maggie said.
"Where did you get the stuff to make pancakes?" Alex asked.
"I sent Kara a text this morning, asked her to drop off a few things," Maggie said. "Since you redecorated yesterday, we will have to have breakfast at the table."
Maggie watched as Alex, who was still wearing the clothes from last night, slowly walked to the table, feel around for the chair and then take a seat. Again, Maggie was impressed with how well Alex seemed to be getting around.
"You didn't have to do this," Alex said.
"I know."
"I mean any of this," she continued. "I don't need a babysitter. I appreciate it though, don't get me wrong, but making breakfast and fixing the door – these are things that … that I'm going to have to learn to do on my own. I have to learn to do these things as … as a blind person. I think after breakfast you should go back to work."
Maggie could tell even saying the words were like a struggle for her. She reached across and put her hand on top of Alex's, gripping it when she felt Alex try to pull back.
"Yes, you are going to have to learn to do things as a blind person. And no you don't need a babysitter," Maggie said. "I don't know how this whole going blind thing works or what it is even like for you, but one thing I do know is you don't have to do this on your own. You have people who care about you, I care about you, and do I expect it will be easy, no, but that doesn't mean I intend to just walk away."
Alex took a deeper intake of breath before pulling her hand away. "Why are you even here? We haven't spoken in …"
"I know," Maggie said. "It's not like I didn't want to talk to you, I just didn't know how to approach you or if you would even be willing to talk to me after what happened but when Supergirl told me that you were injured, all I could think about was making sure you were ok."
"I don't want your pity."
"It's not pity," Maggie said. "Like I said, I care about you, a lot. And you can keep trying to push me away or get me to leave, but I'm not going anywhere. You are in pain. You may not want to give voice to it, or admit it, but you have to be hurting from those wounds. Again, you don't have to do it alone."
After a small pause, Alex said. "We should eat before the pancakes get too cold."
They ate breakfast and Maggie had Alex take her pills after finishing the meal. She was glad Alex took them without protest or comment.
"I have a few more case files if you want to go over them," Maggie said, while she cleared the dishes.
Alex didn't answer and Maggie stopped what she was doing and watched Alex as she seemed to be staring at the wall.
"This is probably going to sound stupid, but are you ok?" Maggie asked as Alex's staring contest with the wall continued on.
"Can I ask your opinion about something?"
"Of course, you can ask me anything?" Maggie responded as she took her seat once more. "What is it?"
There was a long pause but Maggie didn't say anything as she could tell Alex was thinking about what to say. She hoped Alex wouldn't change her mind about speaking to her.
"You being here, does that mean you want to be friends?" Alex asked.
This time it was Maggie's turn to speak carefully. While she had been thinking about how she would like to be more than friends with Alex, she also knew now wasn't the right time for that. Then again, she wasn't really sure Alex wasn't asking her this because she still wanted to be more.
"I know things went badly between us," Maggie started. "and we haven't spoken in a while, but yes, I want to be here for you, and not just because of what happened to you. I swear, I was thinking of contacting you even before this, I just didn't know what to say to you. I didn't know if you were still angry with me."
Alex bit her lip and Maggie held her breath as she waited for a response.
"I shouldn't have gotten angry."
"It's ok," Maggie said immediately. "I understand why you reacted that way. I shouldn't have let it linger between us for this long."
"No, that's on me. I'm the one who pushed you away."
"Well, regardless of who is to blame, we are talking now," Maggie said. She smiled even though she knew Alex couldn't see it. This was progress – more progress than she expected when she woke up this morning. "So is that all you wanted to ask?"
"No," Alex said. "I just wanted to establish that we are friends first."
"We are friends," Maggie agreed. She figured it was a better starting point than where they had been. And with what happened to Alex, jumping into anything was a bad idea. But building up from a friendship was definitely doable. "Whatever else you wanted to bring up, go ahead."
Alex took a deeper breath before speaking. "Before this happened, I was seeing someone – dating someone. Her name is Cassie and I don't know how to tell her about this. She thinks I was away – out of town – on a case. I use the FBI cover with her. But she knows I'm home now, and I don't know what to say to her."
Maggie was overly aware of her own exhale as Alex finished speaking. "Oh," she managed to say, even as she wanted to immediately get out of the chair and … well, she didn't know what she wanted except she didn't want to hear about whoever this Cassie was. But she had just told Alex they were friends and Alex was clearly wanting to know Maggie's opinion about what to do.
"Are things serious between the two of you?" Please say no, Maggie thought.
When Alex shrugged she felt a fraction of a percent better. "I don't really know," Alex said. "She is the only woman I've gone out with more than twice. But I don't know that we are girlfriends. She and I hadn't really talked about it before this. I sort of thought that we would after you know, but then this all went south."
"Do you like her? I mean do you want her to be your girlfriend?"
Another shrug. "I can't even think about such things right now. I don't even know how to tell her that I'm blind. She wanted to come over tonight and I told her it wasn't a good time, but I can't blow her off forever."
Maggie realized that Cassie must have been who she heard Alex speaking to earlier. She also wondered if this was another reason Alex had told her she should go back to work.
"If you want to be her girlfriend or not, you are going to have to at some point talk to her about this," Maggie said. "Like I said before, I can't imagine how hard this is on you. But I also know you are a good person which means speaking to her and not blowing her off."
"I hate that I feel like my whole life is one lie after another," Alex said. "How can I ever get close to someone when I can't tell them what I do for a living? I can't tell them how I got these scars. I can't tell them how I ended up being blind."
As much as Maggie didn't want to continue this conversation, she could tell that this was weighing on Alex. She remembered the night before when Alex had mentioned about this being one more thing she had to lie about.
"You will figure it out Alex," Maggie said. "Just remember that whatever you do, you need to feel comfortable with it. It's not just about her. This is about you too. You need to think about yourself and yes maybe that seems selfish, but you have to be true to yourself."
There was another pause in conversation as Alex seemed to consider her words.
"I'm going to go lay down," Alex said finally. "Maybe we could go over the cases later."
"Sure," Maggie said. As Alex left the room, Maggie continued to sit there, thinking about what an idiot she was. Of course, Alex wasn't sitting around the last few months pining over her. Of course, she would want to take her newly discovered gay status out for a test drive.
And Cassie. She said Cassie was the only one she had gone out with more than twice, which means there had been other women. But Cassie was the only one that Alex was considering how to tell her about her blindness, which meant they had some level of relationship even if they hadn't talked about it.
A part of her wanted to walk out the door but she knew she couldn't. She had come here because she was concerned about Alex, and that hadn't changed. She couldn't leave and that meant she needed to be the friend that Alex needed her to be.
Poor timing, Maggie thought once more. It was the very definition of her and Alex.
After moping for awhile she got up and distracted herself by doing the dishes. When finished she went to Alex's room and paused outside, listening. She didn't hear anything and even when she knocked lightly she got no response. She thought about walking away, but instead she slowly opened up the door only to find Alex asleep on her bed.
Staying by the door she watched Alex for several minutes as she slept. At least she looked like she was in a deep sleep. She closed the door hoping it stayed that way.