Mike thinks about her as he sands down his latest boat. In his workshop, away from the rest of the world and Rosie's all-knowing stares, he can afford to lose himself in his thoughts. And the sanding is quiet, mindless work really. Easy to drift off with.
He'd always fantasised about taking Kate out onto one of his boats. He was sure that the love of the sea would be in her blood too, just as it was in his, and he could just imagine her hair flying about her as she stood out on the deck, flying over the waves. Kate seemed to go hand-in-hand with the sea, after all. Stubborn, ever changing. Beautiful.
Now, it was never going to happen. Never, because she couldn't just let go and trust that he would be there. Never, because he was too stubborn. Never, because he'd pushed her away.
He knows that in his heart of hearts it was the right call. It just didn't make it hurt any less.
"You right there?" Maxine's words tear him from his thoughts and he whips around to see her leaning against his workbench, a six pack of beer held in one hand. "You look like you're going to sand that until it's nothing more than dust."
He stills, hands hanging loosely by his side for a moment. Then he nods at the beer in her hand. "That for us?"
"You could just call her." Maxine points out, taking a swig of her beer and fiddling absentmindedly with a screwdriver in one hand, turning it over in her fingers. She's always been like that as long as he's known her, always needing something to fidget with.
"You know why I can't, Max." Mike responds dully, fingers trailing in the condensation on his bottle. "She needs to make the effort too."
She looks at him pensively for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, I know. I just..." She hesitates for so long that Mike has to prompt her to keep speaking.
"Just what?"
Maxine swallows hard and continues. "It was just nice... to see you happy."
He doesn't know what to say to that. What else can he say? Yes, he was happy. And so was she. But it was a happiness built on a house of cards. Destined to sour. He flicks at the bottle cap beside him, sending it skidding across the dusty concrete floor. "I really thought we had a future, Max." He feels embarrassed, even to admit that aloud. And, God, he hates the look of pity upon Maxine's face and the intensity of her gaze, but he needs to talk about this with someone or he feels like he's going to explode. "After Sarah, she was... I've never felt that way about anyone else. And Rosie... Rose deserves someone in her life. Someone other than me. But... she wasn't all in. And I had to. Because otherwise, it would have ended, wouldn't it?"
"I don't have all the answers, Mike." Maxine murmurs. She reaches out and squeezes his arm. "I wish I did. It would make things a lot easier. But... you did what you felt you had to. And that's something, isn't it? I mean, it wasn't some spur of the moment decision. You thought it out."
"Yeah." He agrees. "Doesn't make it suck any less."
"No, it doesn't." She agrees.
For a moment, the two of them just sit there, slowly sipping their beer while the world outside lives and loves. But sitting in misery wouldn't change his situation. So he draws in a shuddering breath and turns to Maxine. "But you didn't come here with a six pack to hear me prattle on about Kate. What's up?"
Maxine lets out a humourless laugh and takes another swig of her drink. "Just a small midlife crisis. Officially making me feel super old, my son now has a girlfriend."
"You came around with a six pack to tell me that?" Mike chuckles as he spots the tense look on Maxine's face. "Oh, come on Max! You're only a few months older than me. What's the crisis!"
"Hey," Maxine throws her hands in the air in an exasperated fashion. "You have your crisis and I'll have mine, thank you very much! I'm allowed to need beer for this!"
"Fair point." Mike acknowledges, wincing as he realises that the dating scene is only a few years away for Rosie. "So what's she like?"
"Her name is Jess and she is like the human form of a My Little Pony." Maxine quips, taking another sip. "And eyes as bloody wide as tennis balls. But sweet, I guess." She rakes a hand through her hair. "Urgh, I just... he's my little boy. And now he's fifteen and dating and... no. It's too much!" A small smile adorns her face. "Mind you, I don't know who was more embarrassed when he was telling me. The poor kid could barely get the words out. He didn't want to give me her last name at first. I think he thought I'd run a background check on her."
"You can't tell me the thought never crossed your mind."
"Yeah, well..." She sighs and leans back against the work bench. A moment later, however, her words escape her in a whine, as though she's an overemotional toddler. "He's my baby!" She flashes a dangerous look at him as he continues to laugh. "Oh, piss off Flynn. You just wait 'til it's Rosie out til all hours."
"Hey, Rosie's a good girl!"
"It's the quiet ones you need to watch the most." Maxine warns, eyes twinkling as Mike stares at her aghast. "Only a few more years." She pulls herself to her feet and ruffles his hair. "Then bye-bye brown and hello grey!" She drops the beer bottle into the box that's serving as the recycling bin and makes her way towards the door. "Thanks for the beer and unsympathy. Tick tock, Daddy!"
In truth, Kate's get-Mike-back plans hit the backburner, pun definitely not intended. With the temperatures and winds both soaring, Kate spends much of her time travelling from call out to call out, the scent of smoke permanently etched into her nostrils.
"You need a holiday..." Cal declares as Kate returns home one night and promptly flops upon the lounge. Cal sniffs at the air for a moment, then adds, "...and a shower."
"Funny." Kate stretches out and closes her eyes for a moment, before glancing at the TV Cal has just muted. Along a banner at the bottom, news of other fires across Australia are being headlined. "I'd hate to be back in the mountains for this one."
"Have you heard from any of the guys?"
"Heard from Hocko and Stainsey but that's about it. They've been working basically non-stop for the last few days." Of course, that was nothing new for weather like this back home, and Kate remembers the sleepless nights spent behind a hose, or tossing in an uncomfortable bunk.
"I've been watching it on the news. It's crazy." Cal shifts in her armchair. "I was remembering all those times you'd send me to a motel with Bridie just to keep us away from it all. And then watching the news and knowing you were right out in the thick of it..." She trails off. "I hate the smell of smoke." She finishes, somewhat lamely. Kate nods mutely, hearing a satisfying pop in her joints as she stretches. "Sometimes I wish you'd just worked in retail or something."
Kate lets out a dry laugh as she imagines herself behind a cash register. "What? Me in customer service? No thank you." She nods at the hallway. "How's Bee been?"
Cal throws a quick glance behind her to check that the girl in question was not eavesdropping, even though it's nearing midnight, before answering. "She asked me if I'd take her to see Claire again."
"What?!" Any tiredness that Kate had been feeling disappears in an instant. Sitting bolt upright, Kate shakes her head. "No! No, Cal, I won't-"
"Give me some credit, Kate!" Cal protests, holding her hands up to stem Kate's words. "Of course I said no. I told her it was something she'd need to talk to you about."
"Why?" Kate mumbles, dragging a hand through her hair. "Why would she want to go back after what happened last time-"
"Because she's... she wants to help." Cal suggests. "And I guess, there's the pull, isn't there? I mean..." She lowers her voice, as though she's about to say something completely awful and cruel. "Well, I just mean... they're family, sort of. Aren't they?"
There is no right answer. Technically speaking, Cal is right. But the idea of Bridie having any familial ties to that family is to dire a thought to consider. Dragging a tired hand through her hair, she curses under her breath. "Geez, I've been a shit mother."
"No you haven't!" Cal protests.
"I've just been so busy at work and then with Mike and not properly talking to her and all this-"
"Kate!" Cal interjects. "She'll be okay." She squeezes Kate's hand. "You'll be okay."
Despite only managing to get a few hours of sleep that night, the next morning Kate drags herself out of bed before seven and makes both Cal and Bridie a packed lunch. It's not as if either of them really still need her to make their lunch for them - Bridie is more than capable and Cal... well, even more so. It's just that Kate doesn't quite know how to make it up to them for the way she has been over the last few weeks, only that she needs to make a start.
When Cal moves into the kitchen, Kate is already on her third mug of coffee and in the midst of preparing grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast. "Ooh! Fancy!" Cal teases as she perches on the bar stool and takes the offered plate.
"Hey, I tried!" Kate sticks her tongue out at her younger sister. Grilled cheese was about the extent of her cooking talents. She'd learned from a young age that she mostly did okay without the involvement of any heating elements, but that it quickly went downhill from there. The sandwich toaster was the only element Kate hasn't ever accidentally started a fire with.
"And I love you for it. Delish!" Cal pulls the toasted sandwich away from her, stretching the string of cheese until it breaks and grinning goofily like a child. "So? What has you up this early?"
"I couldn't really sleep." Kate perches on the bar stool next to Cal and leans against the bench top. "So I thought I'd get up and take Bridie to school and let you get some assignments done."
"Are you sure?" Cal looks at her with an air of unease. "I mean, you look a bit... knackered?"
Kate throws her hands up and exhales heavily. "Hey, sleep is for the weak. Plus, I have coffee!" She grins and hoists the mug into the air. Cal rolls her eyes.
"You're cracked." She announces, just as Bridie makes her way into the kitchen.
"Who's cracked?" Bridie asks as she settles herself onto the other kitchen stool. "You made breakfast?" She turns to Cal and jabs a thumb over her shoulder. "She really is cracked."
"Oi!"
"You know, this is probably considered child abuse in some countries." Rose glowers at him as she clutches the freshly signed note tightly in her hand. "Please, Dad can you just rewrite it?"
"No. It's the principle of the matter." Rose aims a kick at a rock. It skitters along the footpath before hitting the trunk of a nearby tree with a dull thwack. "Don't get cranky, Rosie. I told you..." Mike warns, even though there's a wide smile on his face. "If you're going to keep losing your permission slips, then I'm going to rewrite them how I choose."
Rose mutters something inaudible under her breath and unfolds the note once more, glaring down at it. Mike touches her elbow and steers her out of the way of a cyclist she'd missed. He distinctly sees her mouth the words my little girl as she reads over the note once more.
After that, Rose stops talking to him. It's a tactic she's used many times before, but he knows that she'll forgive him by the end of school. At least, he hopes so. As they make their way up towards the school gates, Mike finds himself walking slower. Even when she was giving him the silent treatment, he still loved Rosie's company. Resigning himself to another day with just him and his thoughts, he turns to say goodbye to Rose, only to spot the woman behind him.
"Kate." She's leaning against the school gate next to Bridie and chatting away. And he feels a twinge of resentment that she gets to look so carefree and calm while he is there with his heart breaking and his head all over the place. Hell, she even looks like she's had time to put makeup on. He runs a hand nervously through his hair, trying to flatten it.
She looks up at his involuntary shout and for a moment he could almost swear... was it a flicker of regret in her eyes? Or was it just wishful thinking. A fumbling beat of a heart and then she smiles politely and makes her way towards him and Rose, Bridie trailing along behind.
"Hi." She greets. "Hi, Rosie."
"Hi Kate." Mike doesn't look at his daughter, but he can feel her gaze on the back of his neck, and he knows she's willing him to say something, anything. He can't though, can't make the words, and Rose ploughs on. "Can you tell Dad that this is just completely mean?" She hands the note over to Kate, who unfolds it and reads aloud.
"'To the dear and fair Miss Brownstone, please forgive my little girl her losing your beautifully written permission slip for the excursion tomorrow. I can only hope that this mad rambling suffices. I, Mike Flynn, Rose Flynn's good looking father, give my permission for my Rosie-Roo to attend the excursion to Cairns Aquarium, and have enclosed the $28 fee. I ask only that you hold her hand around the sharks. She is a sensitive girl, and the last time we took her to the sharks, I fear she didn't come through it too happy. If there are any concerns, please feel free to call me at any time. Yours Most Sincerely, Michael Flynn.'" Kate finishes reading and looks to Rosie. "I am so sorry, hon. That's terrible." She rounds on him, but despite her stern nature, the corners of her mouth are twitching. "That's cruel, Mike."
"I thought you'd be on my side!" Mike protests, smirking. "After all, you and your sister are the greenies. You know how many permission slips she loses. I was saving trees by refusing to allow her to collect a third."
"And flirting with the teacher?" She challenges.
"Well, that's just all part of my charm." He can't help but smile at her, and she's smiling back, and he wonders if this will ever be enough, whether he'll ever be content with just having her in his life as a friend. Or will there always be that regret, that loss? Will he always feel the twinge of sadness every time he sees her smile. There is no playbook, no rules to dictate how to act around her. No timeline to say when he would be able to look at her without having to pretend he wasn't daydreaming about the hours of yesteryear.
No. The smile fades, and so does hers. Too soon. "Uh, we're gonna head in." Bridie's voice interrupts, and he starts. He'd almost forgotten that they were there. "Or we'll be late."
"Yeah." Rose agrees, and Mike forces himself to look at his daughter, to concentrate on her. Even if he had nothing else in the world, she was enough. Rose smiles at him in a reassuring way before turning to Kate. "Don't suppose there's any laws about firefighters being legally allowed to forge people's signatures?"
"Sadly, no." Kate smiles sympathetically. "But you can always sell his Pokemon cards on eBay as revenge." She gives Bridie a hug, and waves the girls off as they make their way into the school. Leaving the two of them alone.
"How have you been?" He asks before he's had time to think about it. "With the fires I mean." He gestures around. "It's been so smoky, I figured you'd have your hands full."
"Oh. Yeah, it's been... pretty crazy. You?" They fall into step as they make their way along the footpath. Is she holding her breath, tensing her shoulders and obsessing too much about where to place her feet as well? Or is she so over him that she's actually able to talk to him without having a complete meltdown.
"Good. Uh. Busy? Well, not really. I-" He stops, forces himself to think. "A few more canoes and stuff, but that's about it."
"Mike," She opens her mouth as if about to say something else. But he suddenly finds himself faced with the bleak reality of their situation.
And he can't be around her any more. "I need to go." He interrupts, and before she can say another word, he has already turned away.