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Suggested Listening: Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson
Of Pride and Honor
Chapter Seventeen: Pride and Honor
It'd been a long day from the get go. Progress had been slow and even fewer people were interested in hearing him out due to the Shinsengumi's rather potent reputation for violence. At the least he still managed to secure a gathering for tomorrow at noon with a significant number of men. It was less than ideal but it was what he had to work with for the moment. So when he arrived back at the Inn that evening he hadn't been in the best of moods. In fact he'd been downright irritated. So frustrated that he took a bit of his cash and bought a bottle of sake to smooth over his fury. He'd planned on spending his evening meal with Kagome drinking and ranting about the utter lack of talent in this town. However the sight that greeted Okita the second he stepped through the door's threshold was not one he'd soon forget.
"I'm back," He announced sullenly. In his hand he rope that secured the sake bottled felt heavy—as if it were twice the weight than he knew that it should be. His lips thinned. Damn, he really was tired. Emerald eyes blinked momentarily as nothing but silence met him. That was strange. He glanced up into the tiny room that they were calling 'home' for the time being. In that instant, his heart nearly stopped.
The ronin knew that he was not a patient or understanding man. He was cruel. He was vicious. He was downright aggressive even at the best of times. He was fully aware of the rumors that surrounded him. The talk among the other men of the Shinsengumi that he was not one to be messed with. Not only that but one who was given the task of being trained by him was to be pitied, for he was one of the toughest teachers the Shinsengumi had to offer. He was brutal. He was crass. He was unforgiving.
However for her he was a different man. For her he'd caged his wild instincts. For her he tamed his temper. For her he stilled his hand. His eyes narrowed as he took in the setting. Kagome stood hunched over the sunken hearth where their food was still cooking. The scent of porridge drifted through the space between them. It wasn't the lack of greeting that bothered him. Oh no, it was the rice-like color of her skin. It was the shadows that hung heavily beneath her eyes. It was the scent of blood that carried over the food—indicating that something more had occurred in the few short hours he'd been gone. A sickening feeling twisted in his stomach. He'd screwed up.
As he fully observed the bloodied kimono splayed across the floor and the sickly pallor of his loved one's face, he felt a visceral rage rise up in his chest. She'd been harmed. If not physically, then emotionally, and that was unacceptable. There had only been one other time that he'd felt such a violent reaction. It happened long ago, when he was still just a boy in the Shiei Hall. It'd been the time of his life in which every day he experienced pain. Every day he'd been subject to the other boys' cruel taunts. Then on that one fateful day, he rose up. He took his wooden sword between his hands and protected himself. His eyes returned to the sight at hand. Now, it wasn't himself that he was going to protect, but the woman who'd entrusted herself to him. His hands fisted at his sides.
"Welcome back," From her place over the hearth, Kagome cast a weary smile in his direction. Her tone was weak from the stress of her day. The ronin wasted no time in setting down the bottle of alcohol and removing his sandals in the genkan. His teeth clenched tightly. Already he was tempted to fly into a state of fury. He wanted to charge out and hunt down the fuckers that had caused this change in his lover. He wanted to cut them open and bleed them dry out in the streets for all to see as a vicious warning. But he knew he couldn't. Not yet. Whether she'd say it or not, Kagome needed him with her right now. She needed his support, his love and his gentleness. Not his anger and recklessness. He couldn't be that man anymore. Not while she was by his side.
With that thought in mind, he steeled himself to keep his mouth shut. Hijikata often reprimanded him for his lack of self-control. The reality was that he just had never seen a reason to hold back. An enemy was an enemy. It didn't matter their circumstances. If a person posed a threat to Kondou then he'd deal with them as he saw fit—which often meant death by his hand. With Kagome he didn't desire for her to see that part of himself firsthand, at least not like this. Outside of him, she was alone in this era without any other support. She didn't have any other family. What friends she did still have were probably in hiding or had been left behind. He didn't want to scare her off by being a careless idiot. He'd have to handle this carefully.
The ronin paused only briefly to assess the situation. One of the first things his gaze spied as he surveyed their room was the sleeping yukata that she'd donned on herself. The sun had only just begun to set. She'd never been the type to dress in such attire prior to nightfall. It'd heightened his sense of concern. That feeling only grew the second he looked closer the mussed pile of scarlet stained fabric upon their floor. Blood practically soaked at the sleeves—a sure sign that she'd injured another. Around the edges the splatter was uneven and blurred. It appeared as if she'd tried to clean it but they hadn't the supplies necessary for such a task yet.
Wordlessly Okita approached her. He didn't spare a thought to his actions. Instinct drove him forward as his arms went around her waist securely. Practice from his previous battles led him to examine her for any injuries and other type of harm. So much could be done that wasn't visible. If she weren't cut that didn't mean that she had escaped completely unscathed. Internal damage and bruising were also concerns that he had to be extra observant for. The tips of his fingers traced the contours of her arms, sides, ribs, neck and even hips. From beneath the cotton, her flesh was as smooth as he remembered it to be. Still he feared for a wound that he could not see. Had she been hurt? Where? By whom? The fury became more intense. Again he had to stifle his urge to rush out into the fading breath of twilight.
The woman in his arms sighed, "I'm fine. I just got into a bit of a…" She hesitated for a moment. As if thinking of the correct word to describe the day's incident. "… scuffle. The blood isn't mine." His eyes hardened at the thought. Scuffle? It looked more a like a damn blood bath to him. Was it a fight to the death? Had they attacked her first? Was she just pulled into a dispute against her will? Or had she actively engaged and participated?
"Who was it?" For soon they would exist no more. Maybe not right at this moment, but by the end of the day tomorrow their blood would be on his blade. That he was certain of. He owed Kagome and her family no less. He would not break his vow.
"I didn't get their names. It happened pretty fast." Okita heard the sound of resignation in her drawn out sigh. They? There was more than one? His fingers flexed. He had his work cut out for him if he was going to track them all down.
"I had just finished buying some produce when I saw a few guys beating a peddler. I think they were trying to rob him but he didn't have any money." His expression darkened. Ah, that was right. Despite the Shogun's best efforts the dark underbelly of Edo's crime world often bled into everyday life. Muggings, blackmail and even murder were as common as the sunrise and sunset. They were never really a question of 'if' they would occur, but rather 'when'. And it just so happened that she stumbled upon such a scene on their first full day in his era. His brows furrowed at the thought. This did not bode well for him.
Kagome had never been the type to back away from a person in need. It would make sense that she would engage in a fight if she felt that a life was at stake. For a split second, Okita felt like pulling his hair out in frustration. Why did it always have to happen when he wasn't around? First with Takeshi's confrontation and now this. He was getting damn tired of screwing up. If he'd been by her side then at least he could've stemmed the damage done to her mental and emotional state. He'd have to work harder to smooth over what little progress he'd made in earning her full trust.
"There were five of them. I managed to do pretty well until the end." Her eyes lit up as if she remembered something. "Oh right! I was helped out a lot by two men earlier as well." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Fujiwara Hideyoshi and Ono Hayato, I think their names were." She tipped her head to the side. "Speaking of, Ono-san sort of reminded me of Takeshi." His fingers flexed subconsciously. That was a name he'd rather forget. Even in this time he felt the white-hot sear of jealousy. She'd already made it clear that she hadn't any interest in the boy but that didn't stop the utterly instinctive reaction he had to pull her closer to him. Ignoring that last part he addressed her directly.
"Kid, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" The man teased lightly. If only just a bit, he wanted to lighten the mood and bring the smile back on her lips. Fear and sadness didn't suit her. Not one bit.
Kagome roughly shook her head in disagreement. Her hair swayed over her shoulder and lightly breezed over his cheek and nose. "Of course not! I want you to stay focused!" The young woman's hands clenched together in tight fists. She spun in his grip and met his gaze with a fierce one of her own. "You have a job to do. You can't sacrifice any more time by playing babysitter. Sure I had a scuffle today but I'll be fine!" His brow quirked at the high note her tone managed to hit. Fine, huh? He definitely doubted that one. Sensing his disbelief, gentle palms opened. Finger splayed widely, she cradled his face within her hands.
"You trust me, correct?" Her voice went soft. He felt her fingers brush his flesh lovingly as she pulled him down until his forehead rested against hers affectionately.
"Would I have brought you here otherwise?" The man plastered on a wry smile to set his lover at ease. "You saved me. You sacrificed for me." For just a second, something flashed her eyes as if in disagreement. Temporarily ignoring it, he pressed forward. "So I want to return that favor. You're here now because you trust me. It'd be callous of me not to do the same." His hands left her waist. His fingertips traced up the lines of her arms, only stopping once his splayed palms settled over the back of her hands. He curled his fingers over them securely, freely offering a sense of comfort. "I can't be next to you all the time. I can't 'play babysitter', as you put it." He gave a small laugh at the thought. Maybe if he did just sit on her, she'd finally stay put and let him watch over her. Somehow though he didn't think he'd be able to get away with it without having his ears bleed. Or worse for that matter…
"But I can do this much for you." He leaned down. There was no surprised gasp or heady movements. Only the slight contact of his lips against hers. The barest touch to emphasize his need, not for her body but for her understanding. "You told me once that I was part of your family, correct?"
She nodded firmly within his grip. Her eyes sharpening with an understanding. "Then think of me as your family here. I don't care if you think of yourself as a burden. I'd be more angry if you didn't want my help." A small smile tugged at his lips at that thought. That was right. He wanted to be her support system. He wanted to be the one person she trusted the most both in this era and her own. He wanted to be the only man to ever claim to hold her heart, trust and love within the palm of his hand. It was possessive of him but he wouldn't allow himself to be another Takeshi to her. She needed him. Whether she admitted it or not, he would stick by her side until she got sick and tired of him. Even then he wouldn't leave unless she absolutely forced it. Until the day neither of them drew breath, he prove to her how much he loved her.
"I'm here for you." Okita did not stop at the minute widening of her eyes. Her mouth fell open slightly as the words she wanted to speak so clearly failed her. "I know things are going to be difficult for a while. As much as I want to, I can't be beside you one hundred percent of the time. Even so, I want you to know that you can still rely on me. Place those burdens you've been carrying on me." His expression softened as he spied the first onset of tears. Ah, he was starting to get through to her. As much as he hated hearing her sobs it was necessary for their relationship. He needed her to show him herself at her most vulnerable. He needed to see her at her worst, so that when push came to shove she would know that he wouldn't abandon her. He was here to stay and that was just how it was going to be.
"I'm not so fragile that my ego would burst if you asked me to help you. It's my job, you know." His smile shifted into a small but playful grin. "If you're going to be my wife then I've got to step up my game." Did he just let that slip? Well better now as an ice-breaker than later and take her completely by surprise.
His lover shook her head sadly, "But that's just a cover. There's no need for you to force yourself…" Her voice trailed off as she withdrew into herself. She tucked her hands to her chest in tightly clasped fists. Sensing that she was shutting herself off from him, Okita did the only thing he could think of. He quickly tilted her head up with his palms and forcefully slanted his mouth against hers. It was boorish of him but he was starting to get frustrated. Either Kagome was too damn stubborn for her own good or he completely sucked at getting his intentions across to her. Perhaps it was a mixture of both? Regardless he desperately needed for her to understand him. Her decision to follow him into this world had meant more to him than just a simple sign of trust. What they had went beyond mere friendship. They hadn't even remotely pretended to be anything less than lovers since the moment he'd kissed her three months ago.
The ronin roughly slipped his tongue past the seam of her lips. His woman tried to maintain the heady pace he'd set in his desperation. Her small hands moved to grip at the cloth of his haori. His body began to respond as the slightest hint of a moan escaped her throat. He wanted nothing more than to push her into their futon, shed their clothes and meld himself to her one more time. If for no other reason than just to emphasize the depth of his connection to her—to reassert the bond between them in the physical touch of her hands upon his back and his at her thighs. However if she were able to pick up on those subtleties through sex alone she wouldn't hold so much doubt now. He wanted her but he knew he could not have her. Not like this. It was too much for this situation. If he forced it then she was likely to shut herself away entirely. Regaining his perspective, he held himself back. Swiftly the man pulled away from the woman in his arms.
"Is that what you think?" Okita tightened his grip around her. "You really believe that I'd only pose you as my wife?" His lips twitched upwards in a warm smile. "I think I've mentioned this before but I'm not exactly into sharing, especially when it concerns you." He felt her sharp intake of breath upon his neck. He slid one of his hands into the mass of her hair; tangling his fingers sensually in the thick strands. The other shifted to the small of her back with his palm splayed widely. So many nights he'd taken her just like this in his bed. Holding her as closely to himself as their bodies would allow. All of those times had been his vague attempt at getting her to understand him—to feel the very depth of the love he held for her. He should've done more than that. He should've said it more often. It was the only way she was going to grasp what he had been trying to convey through his touch. At least now he would have that chance.
"I can't just let everyone think that you're mine and not follow through on it." His expression softened. "I'm aiming for keeps here. So if you don't want this, you best back out now." His tone dropped into the sensual tremor he knew she could not resist. "Because if you agree to come with me, I won't go back. I'll marry you in the real sense of the word. All you have to do is to say it."
Her face flushed brightly at his declaration. This hadn't been the way he'd envisioned proposing to her. His initial idea had included a private dinner together, some light conversation and possibly a bit of heavy touching before dropping the marriage bomb on her. Kagome sputtered a bit. She tried to collect her thoughts but he was determined to finish what he'd started. Proposal aside, he still had one more thing he needed to do. Determination filled the ronin in a way it never had before.
"So if I'm going to call myself your husband," He paused momentarily to take pride in the small flash of embarrassment that flitted across her features so cutely. Even pale as she was, she was still so damn irresistible. "I've got to make sure that I'm man enough to handle the things you can't." He gently traced his hands from her head, over the side of her face before stopping to cup her chin between his fingers. "We're here together. You chose me and I won't fail you. I've got both my pride as a man and honor as a warrior staked on it, you know."
He brushed his thumb affectionately over the soft flesh of her bottom lip, "We're family. No matter what happens, I'll always be right here. So I need you to trust in me. We've made it this far together. So don't think for a second that I'll let you suffer alone anymore." And just like that the damn broke. The barrier that she'd so carefully constructed crumbled and shattered. Beneath the gentle smiles he knew the woman was suffering. She was in so much pain but she dared not to speak a word of it even to her own mother. She'd held herself back from the ones she loved the most because she'd feared their rejection. Even if he didn't know the full details, Okita didn't have to guess at the abuse that had been thrown her way. Whether his lover noticed it or not, she often degraded herself. She didn't believe in the strength he saw in her every day. She didn't acknowledge the amount of courage she'd had when she picked him over her family. It'd been a bold and permanent move that neither of them could undo. But he'd make damn sure that she'd never regret it.
Kagome bit her bottom lip harshly. Tears filled her eyes as her cheeks flushed with the sob she was so desperately trying to hold back. With gentleness that surprised even himself, Okita pressed her face to his chest. He lowered his mouth next to her ear and spoke the words he knew that she needed to hear the most. Even if it caused her pain. Even if it caused her to cry. He knew she needed this from him.
"Put your faith in me." His fingers rubbed the space behind her ear in soothing circles. "You are my top priority no matter what happens. You always have been." Her shoulders heaved as the first sob escaped her tightly pressed lips. The man felt her sharp nails bite into his flesh from the grip she'd had on him. He had to be her strength. He had to be more than just her physical support. He needed to prove to her that he was everything she would ever need in a husband and more—not just for the sake of satisfying his sense of possessiveness, but for her peace of mind as well. She loved him. She needed him. Therefore he'd fulfill his role in her life but offering her what she had required from the start: Care.
How long had she traveled with Inuyasha? How many days of the time she'd spent with him had he insulted her, demeaned her and physically abused her? It may have been only one short year of consistent travel but it was more than enough exposure to completely destroy whatever sense of self his loved one had. Kagome was lost. She had been for even longer than he'd known her. Her mother had tried so hard to pull her from the depths of that dark pool of despair she'd be left to wallow in. Her uncle, while appearing misguided in his interactions with him, obviously cared so deeply for his niece as well. Nearly everyone she'd come into contact with had loved her. Not for what she could do for them, but because they could sense the truly kind nature beneath her fears. She was beautiful both inside and out. Now it was time for him to show it to her. And if she ever forgot again, he'd just have to remind her.
"You want to know the real reason why I fell in love with you?" Okita didn't like spelling things out. It was tedious and he often thought lower of those that required for every subtle message to be explained. In this case he would make an exception. For he knew it was the only way that they would be able to bridge the gap that still separated them. She shook her head, her hands trembling and her sobs still growing louder yet. It broke his heart but he knew this to be necessary. She would feel this pain now but by the morning they would be even stronger than ever. "Because you were always there. I don't think you realize how reliable you actually are." The man swept his hand over her shoulder causing the loose hair to fall neatly back into place. "I've said this a lot already but you took care of me. Frankly, you spoiled me rotten and that was something no one else has ever done before. You're kinder than you give yourself credit for."
His smile became nostalgic, "It takes a strong woman to be able to accept a dangerous stranger into her home and nurse him back to health. You knew that I could have been an enemy but you still did everything you could." The ronin leaned his cheek over the crown of her head—his body nearly engulfing her own. "I fell in love with you because I could always count on you. You claimed me as a member of your family and from that moment on I knew I couldn't just walk away from you." He closed his eyes and circled his arms more tightly around her trembling form. "I put my faith in you then. So trust me now when I say that I will never leave you. I'll stake my very life on it."
"I held myself back a lot in your time because I was so damn worried about hurting you." Her nails bit further into his flesh but he ignored the pain. "I knew how strong of a support system your family was for you and I didn't want to strip that away from you. If you wanted to leave than I needed it to be your choice." Okita sighed through his nose as he thought back to those many sleepless nights. He had wanted her so desperately then. He'd almost stolen that innocence from her at one point but he always reigned himself in. He couldn't do that here. She needed everything from him, so he was going to give his all. "The same applies here. What happens will be entirely your decision but just know that I'm not going anywhere. Even if you don't marry me I'll stay right by your side." His smile softened at the heaving cry that tore from her throat.
The ronin shifted to lower his mouth next to her ear once more, "You're beautiful in more ways than one. You're strong, kind, stubborn and smart. You've fought through hell and still came out. You're here now because of all the shit that you'd gone through before. How many other people can claim that they fought a demon and lived to tell the tale? In your case you likely fought dozens of them."
"…. Hundreds, actually." Her tone was soft and with it a slight hiccup and tiny laugh.
He grinned even wider, "See? All the more reason you're so damn amazing." He felt her face heat against his chest. Between the tears, the sobs and the hiccups, he could sense the smile beginning to return to her. "So don't ever forget that you've got me now. You don't have to face those monsters on your own. Even if they're just nightmares. Even if it's just a memory. Hell you can even call on me if you see a bug charging at you. I'll still come rushing to your side. I can be across the room or across Japan. It doesn't matter. I'll still be there." Hot tears coursed down her pallid complexion, staining the flesh a pale shade of coral. "That's my job. I'm the one that should be protecting you. So don't ever feel as if you have to hold back." He felt Kagome lean further into his embrace at those words. It was a sure sign that he was, finally, getting through to her. After all the months, he'd was now starting to break through the last barrier that she had erected between them.
"So cry for now. I won't think any less of you. If anything, I think you've been far too stubborn trying to hide this." Okita pressed his lips against the arch of her brow. With his nearly message complete, he said the one final thing he knew would shatter that, at one point, was an insurmountable barrier. "Don't hold back."
Kagome shifted her arms to wrap around his middle. Her nails dug into his back as she buried her face into the junction of his shoulder and neck. The heat of her tears practically scathed his flesh. The harsh sound of her cries blared loudly in his ears. The warmth of her breath burned at his heart. Her visage of a happy girl melted away. In its place was the woman irrevocably damaged by the abuse of her past. She wasn't broken. But she wasn't impervious either. She was just a normal girl who'd gotten mixed into a world that'd only shown her cruelty. There was nothing for her to be ashamed of. She was beautiful and strong. In earnest truth, he didn't believe that any other person, another woman especially, could have gone through the trials she did and still come out smiling the way she did. Even if she hurt and still suffered, Kagome was trying and that was more than he could say for others if they'd been placed in her shoes. At least now she knew that she could trust him.
The monochromatic glow of twilight faded outside. Only the warmth of the hearth's fire cast any light in their small room. It cracked and cackled from under the pot of forgotten porridge. For what felt like hours his lover sobbed heavily into the security of his embrace. She melded herself to his body and placed in him a faith she had never given anyone else. His heart tore and broke with each strangled sound that left her parted lips but they both needed this so desperately. Despite how painful this single moment was, their relationship would only grow stronger from it.
Eventually the cries faded away. Her grip on him loosened as her sobs simmered into small sniffs. It'd been so damn difficult just sitting there, feeling as if there was nothing else he could do. Still Okita was fully aware of what was at stake. Tomorrow he'd deal with the bastards that'd caused this but for now he'd be the man she needed. He could do no less.
The pair paused as a low growl filled the room. The ronin grinned widely. He pulled away only briefly to glance down at her flushed face. "I think your stomach is telling you something."
Kagome brushed her thumb under her eyes, wiping away the remaining tears. "Yeah, that I've burned our food." She playfully patted at her stomach. "It's pretty furious." She still looked and sounded so weak. The energy she'd used in her fight combined with the breakdown that she'd had simply drained whatever strength she'd contained. Even so there was a tiny glimmer in her eyes. A flicker of relief and a trust that hadn't been there before. She may not be ready to discuss the details of her past yet, but Okita knew that it was only a matter of time before she was ready to face that history. This time, with him at her side. His gaze softened.
"Well, guess we better hop to it before it gets even more burnt. I rather like having edible food." She only laughed. They settled into a comfortable silence. The woman moved languidly through the small room. She set their bowls and poured two cups of sake. He'd brought the liquor home with him but he'd been so focused on Kagome that he'd nearly forgotten about it.
"You drinking too?" Okita pointed towards the second cup. "I didn't take you for the type."
She took a spot to his immediate right. Her thighs brushed against his as they grew comfortable in the new closeness between them. "I feel like it tonight. Besides it's not like you're going to do anything I wouldn't agree to anyways. So the way I see it, it's safe." That notion stuck with him. Getting inebriated with someone alone was always a situation that was risky even at the best of times. The fact that she was willing to drink with him now was a symbol that his efforts earlier weren't in vain.
"Besides," The flush in his woman's cheeks darkened considerably, "I'm just a bit curious. I've never drank before." Ah, so that was it. Relaxed, the ronin lifted his cup to his lips and tilted it back—downing the liquid in a single shot.
"It's pretty strong. I don't get the weak stuff." He couldn't help but to tease her more. After the fall out, they both needed to let off some steam. Although he did worry that she'd might get in over her head with the drinking since it'd be her first time. His mind inadvertently summoned the memories of the first night he'd taken her. She'd been the aggressor then. She'd been the one to initiate their intimacy. She'd also been the one to accept him completely within herself. So lost in his desires, he'd taken her as if he'd just married her. Indeed all he could think about at that time was what it'd be like for her to assume his surname and lie in his bed each night. Now he was starting to picture more clearly what a life with her would be like. His lips quirked upwards at the thought. It was a future he'd fight for. If not with his sword than with his determination.
The man watched as she nervously lifted the palm-sized cup to her lips. She took a moment to sniff at the scent that wafted from the alcohol. Disgust fluttered over her expression and he laughed.
"Don't smell too good, does it?" She'd already poured him another drink*. Lifting the ceramic to his mouth he tipped back another shot. "Has a bit of a bite to it as well. You sure you want to?"
Her lips twisted, "Just one. That's all. Honestly I just want to know what it tastes like." She tilted the drink from one side to the other, her eyes following the clear liquid as it sloshed nearly to the rim. "We didn't exactly have this opportunity in my time, so why not indulge just a little?" A little indeed. Okita set his elbow upon his knee and rested his cheek on the back of his hand. This was going to be good. "Well, here goes nothing!" With that she tipped it back and downed the whole cup. Almost immediately she was coughing. The young woman patted at her chest as the alcohol likely burned at her throat.
"I did warn you that it had a bite." Instead of answering him with words, Kagome threw a displeased glare in his direction. Whoops? Should he be sorry? He thought about it for a second. Then made his decision. Nope, he wasn't sorry at all. But he did reach over and rub circles into her back; helping to work down the last of the sake as it burned her throat.
She quickly set to work on devouring the porridge she'd cooked for them. Overall it was pretty well made. It'd have probably been downright amazing if it hadn't overcooked during their talk. His eyes subtly shifted to her. She seemed fine for now but he was still leery. Some of the paleness faded away and a bright, rosy flush lit her countenance. She was still exhausted but less so than she'd been just a few minutes ago.
"He Souji," Her voice was tiny as her eyes focused on the food still in her bowl. He glanced down at her in response. "Did you mean what you said earlier?"
"Which part?" He spoke the words before he could stop them. Inwardly he winced at the implication that the inquiry might have given her. Kagome didn't flinch. She rubbed her index fingers traced the dull ledge of the bowl's ceramic rim.
"About marrying me." He almost hadn't heard her. Her voice had been so soft and meek that it'd taken just a moment for him to fully grasp what she'd said. A warm smile spread across his lips.
"Of course. What, do you doubt it?" The ronin laughed a bit at the thought. "I've dropping hints since before we were officially together, you know." As expected the revelation caused her brows to raise and her head to snap in his direction so quickly he feared the action might have given her whiplash.
"What? When?" Then a bright flush not related to the sake flitted over her face. "Wait a second, those weren't just jokes?" Azure eyes widened with realization. He couldn't help it. Okita began to roar with laughter.
"You're only just now figuring that out?" At least he couldn't say that he was surprised. It would be just like her to not put two and two together when it came to something like that. "I've been pretty eager for a while." He dropped his voice into a sensual tremor. "Marriage is something I wouldn't joke about. Not when it comes to you." He pulled back as her face started to resemble an apple. It was unbearably cute. This look suited her far more than the grim and downtrodden expression she'd had when he first arrived home. His heart twisted within his chest.
Kagome fiddled with her food for several moments. Her mind working overdrive as his words settled on her. His eyes watched her keenly as she bit into her bottom lip nervously. She was thrown off. She was flustered. She was completely adorable. His expression thawed at the sight. He wanted her like this every night.
"But I don't know anything about the expectations of this era." His woman started to run through the imaginary list of issues he knew would not cause them problems. "I wouldn't know the first thing of how to act. I'm not exactly a proper type." She shifted uncomfortably beside him.
"And I'm the shining example of manners?" His laugh was a bit louder than he intended it to be. The dark haired woman shook her head quickly at his response. "Honestly we're going to the Shinsengumi, not the Shogunate. I don't think you really need to worry about that front. Besides," He trailed the nail of his index finger gently along the high bone of her cheek, stopping only after a loose strand of hair was tucked neatly behind her ear. "You're already polite enough. No need to make yourself into something you're not."
"But how am I supposed to know if I'm doing something wrong? I'm not that familiar with this time's culture. I know things are different but what if I do something to offend someone? What if I mess something up?" Her questions were running off at rapid-fire speed. It was a habit she likely picked up from her mother. Both women worried needlessly about things that were out of their control. Okita wrapped his arm around her shoulders. With a small tug, he pulled her flush against his side.
"Then we'll deal with it as it comes along. You're so conscious that I doubt you'd offend anyone. Besides, you're perfect as you are." He nuzzled his cheek against her head once more. "All you need to do is believe in me. I'll take care of the rest."
Kagome's lips pressed into a thin line. "No way! I can't throw all the burden on you. That's not fair!" He was somewhat taken aback by the ferocity in her words. "This is a relationship. We share equal responsibility no matter which era we're in. Understand?"
The ronin grinned against the crown of her head, "Yes ma'am!" Knowing that it'd annoy her, he was not surprised at the sudden and sharp jab of her finger against his chest. His mind went back to their discussion earlier. He wondered if she realized how ironic her statement actually was. Deciding to shift the tides, he made one last statement. "That goes for you too." He reiterated. She paused, dropping her finger back to her lap. "You don't have to force yourself but just know that I won't go back on my promise. I'm here and there's not a damn thing in this world or the next that'll take me from you. I've got both my pride and my honor staked on it. So I need you to rely on me as well."
She didn't refute him. She didn't pull away. Instead his woman leaned more heavily into his side. Her body felt quite warm in comparison to earlier. Which either meant that she had a fever or she was extremely embarrassed. In this case, he was willing to bet that it was the latter.
"Okay." The word was spoken so softly. Still he heard it all the same and a warmth spread through his chest at the implication. No more holding back. No more fretting. From now on, it would just be the two of them. After all, they were family and as such they would stand beside one another. That was something that would never change between them.
"I do have one more question though." Kagome fidgeted beneath his arm nervously. Her shoulders shifted as she fiddled with the bowl in her lap. "About marriage," Her cheeks became a soft shade of rose this time. "Well, weddings are a bit of a big deal in my time. There's a celebration, exchanging of rings and paperwork. I never really wanted that sort of thing. I always wanted a really small one. Like just my family and friends and that was it." He had a feeling he knew where this was going. Okita listened carefully as she confided in him some of the details of the wedding she'd really wanted—storing away the information so that he could use it when the time came.
"Since we're here I've accepted that it'll just be the two of us. Unless there was someone that you wanted there." Her eyes lifted to his tentatively. Images of Kondou and the rest of the captains from the Shinsengumi came to mind. However that was an impossibility. If he wanted to bring her with him, then they couldn't be there. They would have to be under the impression that he'd married during this trip and brought her back. They'd run into bureaucratic red tape hell otherwise.
The ronin shook his head, "No. Not really. I'm happy just as it is." Not necessarily the truth but that was just how their wedding was going to be. The two of them and perhaps a few witnesses if they were lucky.
"I think the real thing that I'm trying to get to here, is what are weddings like here? I know it's vastly different and not as well," She hesitated for a second. Her mind working to grasp at the correct word to use. "… complicated." Okita snorted. That was true to a level as well. During a few of the 'girls night in' at the shrine she and her friends had, they would sometimes put on those wedding shows. From picking gowns to planning the day itself, it looked to be a complete and utter nightmare. Not to mention stupidly expensive. Some of the brides spent more on their gown than the Shogun did for his own wedding. It had blown him away the first time he saw it.
The man ignored those memories in favor of answering her question. "It's pretty simple actually." He lifted his sake cup towards her. She grasped at the tokkuri* and filled it to the brim. The man tipped his head back and drank a small portion of the alcohol inside. "To complete a marriage all you would have to do is drink after me from this cup." To emphasize his point he held it towards her. "Marriage is formed when a couple share sake."* She grasped at the cup. Her hands held it gently between her palms, azure eyes staring at the alcohol with a mixture of surprise and wonder.
"So all I have to do is…" Her gaze flicked down to the drink her hands. Okita would've been lying if he said that he wasn't keenly interested in how she'd handle the information. An emotion flitted across her face that he couldn't name. She lowered the drink and met his gaze firmly. "This is what you want?" A ferocity shone in her eyes that he hadn't seen before.
"Of course." He brought his hand to her chin and cupped the flesh between his fingers. "But is it what you want? I won't force this. It's your decision in the end." Now he was more alert than ever. Every subtle shift in her expression. Every tiny movement in her hands. He was focused on all of them. His stomach coiled tightly as he realized that by the end of this night, he'd ever have her as his wife or something would irrevocably break between them. For the first time in his life, he was honestly and truly nervous. Not of what would happen to him, but of the fact that he might still be rejected. His breath stilled in his throat.
An answer lit in her eyes. Tilting the cup back, she brought the sake to her lips. In that instant his palm gently covered the top. Kagome glanced at the knuckles of his hand curiously before meeting his gaze.
"Just one request." A lopsided grin slit his features. "If we're going to go through with this, then I'd like you to wear something. Is that alright?" A bright flush crossed his woman's face. She briefly glanced down at her yukata. Her nose twisted before she nodded at him—a sure sign that she hadn't even thought to what she'd been wearing at the moment. Okita gave a throaty laugh. "Don't be so self-conscious. It's just that I actually did end up buying something for you just for this occasion."
"Wait, you had it planned out already?" Ah, that was the highest pitch he'd ever heard her voice go. A prideful grin split his lips.
"You're shocked? I already told you that I'd been dropping hints for at least three months now." He lowered his arm and stood abruptly. The man cocked his head over his shoulder to address his soon-to-be wife directly. "I had a feeling that eventually I'd wear you down enough to say yes, so I got you something for it." He made his way to the stash of kimono that he'd lugged over to this era. He hadn't admitted it at the time, but it seriously been a pain in the ass to carry. Kagome was right in that he'd probably brought too many but his stubborn sense of pride wouldn't allow him to ever admit that out loud.
His hand carefully combed through the fabric until he found the one he'd been searching for. It was soft. It was honestly the only kimono he bought that was made of silk. He'd been so torn about what to get her when he visited that shop a few weeks ago but it'd also been an interesting experience to say the least. He remembered pilfering through each item. His eyes had been drawn to the bright colors that would only accentuate his loved one's personality. He'd collected obis, sashes and other arrangements that could be mixed and matched. But there was one moment, a single instant in which his eyes found the black garb.
"Go ahead," He offered it to her. "I'll even turn my back while you get dressed. It wouldn't be proper for me to take a peek before it's time." She was going to kill him. The man didn't stop his laugh as he heard her grumbling of 'ostentatious men'. Fabric rustled as she dressed herself in the kurotomesode* that he'd bought. His fingers flexed instinctively at the thought. It'd hung so innocently in the far corner of the shop. Even among the other dresses like it, he couldn't tear his eyes away from it. There was something about the elegant cranes and soft shade of gold that flitted up the side and over the sleeves of the fabric that he couldn't get out of his mind. It was beautiful yet elegant—just like the woman that was now wearing it. Perhaps it was because he knew it'd fit her so perfectly that he couldn't bring himself to walk away from the shop without it. That had been the one piece that nearly broken his wallet. All of his savings virtually vanished but he hadn't regretted it then. Nor would he now.
Minutes ticked away for what felt like an eternity. His senses were heightened in a way they never had been before. Kagome was going to be his wife. By the light of dawn, she would be his in every way possible. His fists clenched tightly at his sides. She wouldn't bear his name with only a feeble excuse to cover their history. Instead she would carry it proudly with her as it would become the marker of their bond to one another—the proof of the vow that they were about to make. He heard her yukata fall to the ground. His mind subconsciously summoned the image of her pale flesh splayed beneath his own in their futon. He knew what he'd see if he simply turned his head over his shoulder. Yet he stilled himself. He swore that he wouldn't take her until she'd agreed to marry him. Now that the moment was at hand, he refused to spoil it. Those sorts of activities could wait just a few minutes longer.
The silk fabric was pulled over his bride's form. He couldn't see her working to secure the kimono, but he could hear and sense every movement as if his eyes were watching her. Then came the sash and obi. For several seconds he listened as she adjusted the cloth so that it would set upon her properly, ensuring that not a strand was out of place. Of course this setting was a bit less formal than he initially imagined. Still, he was satisfied. He wouldn't change this moment in time for anything.
"I'm ready."
Slowly, Okita turned on the ball of his heel to face the woman who, by her own actions, had decided to tie herself to him. He'd known her to be attractive. He'd even seen first hand how many men would subtly glance in her direction during her time; all for the chance to look her over without getting caught. However now he knew that none of those times could compare to the image she'd made right now.
Kagome's cheeks were flushed a bright red. She tugged at the black sleeves of her kurotomesode nervously. White cranes with splayed wings were etched into the weave of the patterns. Gold flicked up the sides and along her sleeves. Around her waist a pale, golden obi and red sash tied everything together. However her hair was left as natural as she was. There was no make up to emphasize the contours of her rounded cheeks. There wasn't an expensive hairpin to hold her hair in an elegant display. There wasn't anything extra added to the look. Only her natural appearance and the kimono that would be her bridal gown.
"It suits you." He smiled warmly, offering the woman his palm. She slipped her delicate hand into his own. They were so small in comparison. For just a second, he pondered at how something so tiny could possess so much power over him.
His loved one smiled warmly at him, "You picked it out. So that just goes to show how much you know me."
He grinned. Gripping her hand a bit tighter, he led them back to their original spots by the hearth. She sat before him. The tips of their fingers dragged lightly over each others palms, only dropping away as they reached the end of each finger. Okita took his seat across from her. He was nervous. It wasn't a feeling he was used to but he didn't mind it so much. It wasn't the dropping of his stomach that he'd gotten so used to when he knew that her mother was furious with him. It also wasn't akin to the anticipation before a fight. Instead it was light and nearly pleasant.
He observed silently as her hands worked to fill the already half emptied cup. This time they would finish what was started.
"Here," She offered the sake to him. As his fingers slipped around hers, he felt them tremble slightly. Instead of releasing her, he flashed a disarming smile her way. With a quick movement, he brought the cup to his lips and tipped it back; her hands still within their grip as well. The blush darkened upon realizing what he'd just done.
"You're turn." He grinned even wider. She pulled the cup to her lips. Their hands still connected to one another. In an instant her eyes flicked to his. Within those depths he could see the slight waver of doubt, the tremble of fear of the unknown that they were facing. His grip over her hands tightened. "Together." Suddenly, the negative emotions that clouded her expression evaporated. In its place was the kind smile that only a deeply held trust could have caused.
"Together." Kagome repeated. Then, she lifted the sake to her lips and drank. He waited patiently as she finished off the alcohol. His eyes watched as the point of her throat moved with each small sip. Such a simple act but it held such great importance. With the sake split evenly between them, they'd finished the ritual that would bond them together as husband and wife. His loved one lowered the cup to her lap. His hands still clasped tightly over hers. "So now we're…" Her voice trailed off, azure eyes glancing down at their intimately interconnected fingers.
Okita gave a soft snort of laughter, "Yes. Now," He set the cup aside. Sitting up on his haunches he grasped one of her hands tightly before slipping the other to the space between her shoulder blades. The ronin pulled her into his chest and held her close to his heart. "We're officially married. No playing pretend or false cover stories. You're my wife. I met you after I fell into your well and you nursed me back to health. Since then I couldn't leave your side. So we got married instead." He leaned his forehead against hers affectionately. "That is our history. If anyone presses the matter than they'll just have to take it up with me." He grinned at the deadpan look that crossed her soft features. "Either way, I'll send word to Kondou tomorrow morning about our progress. But for now, I think we have some unfinished business."
His grin grew sly and her face darkened once more. Now that they were married, he wouldn't have to hold himself back. She was his wife. Now and in the future, that aspect was never going to change. He'd make damn sure of it.
His hand held hers tightly between interlocked fingers, "I won't ever let you go. I'm here for you just as you've been for me." His other hand moved to the soft strands of her hair. Black tendrils of it fell through his fingers in a tender caress. "So put your faith in me." She gripped at his haori and tilted her chin towards him. The man took the invitation without any hesitation. His lips pressed onto hers softly. Unlike the other times this one seemed so much different. Gentler, more tender and somehow stronger than before. Regardless he knew that this was more than just a simple show of affection. It was the proof of their shared bond that had only strengthened since his return home. They were already strong before, but now they were impenetrable. Not because they were married. Not because she was assuming his name and permanent home in his bed. But because she was entrusting him with her heart and her full faith.
"I trust you." She pulled back only long enough to speak those words. In that single second, Okita surged forward and kissed her once more. Their hands tangled together as they worked to finished the last part that would concrete their connection to one another. No matter happened in the future, he'd make sure that this would be a night she'd never forget.
A/n: So, uh, would any of you actually believe me if I said that I never intended for them to get married this chapter? It was supposed to be Chapter Eighteen for the wedding to occur. However both Kagome and Okita decided that they wanted to speed this part up a bit. XD Can't say that I'm not happy though. Initially this was just supposed to be the subtle shift in their relationship. Kagome had always had difficulty entrusting the pain she felt onto others. She sealed away much of her suffering so that she could try to live a normal life outside of Inuyasha's abuse. Unfortunately trying to live like that would've eventually broken down the trust she and Okita had built up until that point.
So the whole point of Kagome's breakdown between last chapter and this one was to have her overcome her fears about trusting others with the pain she'd felt. In this case she opened herself up to Okita and in turn shed any doubt she'd had about being with him. Even if she was initially wary to the idea of marriage, the fact alone that he swore to stay beside her and meant it was what made her believe in him. That belief led to the marriage as well. Ultimately I'm pretty satisfied with how everything turned out. Although I can't say that it wasn't tough to write out in the beginning part. That was pretty hard. X_X Anyways, thanks so much for the support guys! I hope you had an amazing New Year and let's make this one to remember! XD
For those curious, the sexual scenes will show up on AO3 in Chapter Eighteen when I get it finished. I sort of just ran out of space with it. Plus this chapter was getting long enough. I didn't want to over inundate it; especially with all the other things that had to be covered.
PS: Here's tissues if you need them. ;P
**Partaking in Sake—When drinking socially it is customary for the person next to you to fill your cup and vice versa. It is seen as bad manners to not fill your neighbor's cup before your own.
**Tokkuri—Often a set of two cups and a flask made of ceramic. They're main function is for the sharing of sake, usually in social settings. Two different types of sake can be served in this set. The first and most common is hot sake, where the alcohol is poured into the flask and then heated in boiled water. The other is chilled sake.
**Marriage in Edo Era—Often were political until the very end of the era, they were formed through the sharing of sake. The husband would drink first and the wife just after him. Witnesses could be present but it was not mandatory. There was less emphasis on the wedding itself and more of the duties in which the husband and wife held to each other after the marriage.
**Kurotomesode—A style of kimono that was black and usually decorated in gold or silver patterns. The inside could be red or black. These were a type of formal wear that were most often used by a bride at her wedding ceremony. She'd use the kimono through the exchanging of sake and following celebrations. It was only when she'd be brought to her husband's home that she'd change into a kimono that he'd bought for her, signifying her entrance into the new family.