John rubbed a hand across Taylor's back as he cried and fussed. It was just about time for his nap and the champ was fighting it valiantly. He crooned to Taylor, something he did when he was sure he was alone, and no eavesdropping ears were listening in on him. As he sang a lullaby to Taylor he slowly rocked him back and forth, to lull him to sleep. It was working as Taylor's cries softened to tiny whimpers, and then nothing other than little baby noises.
"Tired aren't you," he whispered as he continued his gentle rocking motion. "I understand that," he spoke to the infant as if he could understand him. But he was glad Taylor couldn't. His tiredness was vastly different from Taylor's. Although since being swept into the category 5 hurricane labeled as: Joss Carter, he hadn't felt that particular tiredness in a while. "Your mother makes me tired but in a good way," he muttered. He unwillingly let his mind wander to the mind-numbing ecstasy Joss brought him last night as she went down on him. Giving up any amount of control in any aspect of his life was terribly difficult for him. He was used to calling the shots especially in the bedroom. No other woman ever dared to seek control from him as he never slept with the same woman more than once. The only woman he slept with more than once was Zoe and it was for information but also she knew the score: his way, her pleasure. Joss didn't give a damn about his way or not and he surrendered to her with very little effort from her which left him disgusted with himself.
When he stopped his gentle rocking and comforting tap on his back Taylor started fussing again in response. John resumed, pushing away such carnal thoughts, especially since he was around a baby. "Women are mystifying creatures, you know that. Your mother loves me. I don't know why," he mumbled to the boy as he pressed a kiss to Taylor's curly hair. "God knows I'm not worthy of it. Things I've done…I shouldn't even be holding you," he whispered. Taylor let out a wail of protest. John smiled at it. "Sound just like your mother now," he accused teasingly. "I want to be good for your mother, and you, but somehow I know I'll mess it up. I always do. Love and loss go hand in hand, especially when you're me," he told the baby honestly.
John quieted up as he rocked Taylor back and forth and felt the infant grow heavy in his arms. He smiled as Taylor's head rested against his shoulder, pacifier still in his mouth, but the little baby sounds he was making was quieting. Once satisfied that the little guy was out he moved him to the crib and set him down. He smiled as he looked down. "Sleep tight champ," he whispered, turning to head downstairs to resume some restless pacing that he stopped doing to feed, change, and play with Taylor. However, he stopped dead in his tracks as Joss stood against the doorframe, tears in her eyes, and arms folded across her chest.
She pushed away from the frame, not speaking a word, and flung her arms around him. He held her a little embarrassed and annoyed that she had been clearly listening in on his conversation with the infant. But then, he was in her house, talking to her son, so how angry could he really get? And his anger was more directed at himself for not being more aware of his surroundings and hearing her footsteps approaching. After several long moments in their embrace Joss pulled away, to sneak over to her son and rubbed his cheek. Once she had gotten in her fill they both escaped his nursery, she took the baby monitor walkie with her, and closed the door but left it ajar just a crack.
"I need help putting the groceries away, sort of went overboard," she admitted wryly.
He nodded grateful she hadn't said anything about what she overheard but then knowing Joss, it was sure to come at some point. John let her lead them downstairs and began helping unpack the mountain of grocery bags she had.
"Before I leave; we need to talk," he suggested.
Joss looked towards him as she put the milk away. "You're leaving?" she asked, trying to hide the hurt and disappointment in her voice.
"I've stayed longer than I should have. Mark is still out there and is very much still a threat," he said after a moment. When Joss simply stared at him with a wounded look he grew defensive. "Damn it Joss, we aren't living together," he snarled. He hadn't led her on. There was no talk about a future. Love didn't mean they would ride off into the sunset together and have a happy ending. Future wasn't even in his vocabulary right now, maybe ever.
She was silent, watching him with those unnerving, but dark and beautiful, eyes that seemed to look right through him as if he was nothing but transparent glass. And he didn't like it one bit because it left him feeling exposed and susceptible. "No, we're not." she agreed, being awfully agreeable. She looked away and proceeded to finish putting her things away bending and making him lust after her sexy ass. She wore those tiny red shorts just to make him crazy. "I understand. But you're right; we need to talk."
John eyed her suspiciously as he pushed his lust aside. That was way too easy; definitely not the Joss Carter way. "Are you sure you understand?" he asked hesitantly.
"Mmmhmm," she sounded.
He frowned. Women were riddles. Sometimes they spoke in code like when they said 'fine' it was most definitely not fine. Or if she asked if another woman was prettier than her…that was just a trick question. You couldn't say no because then she got mad that you looked in the first place. And saying yes another woman was prettier than her would surely have your balls rearranged. Any guy that did that was an ass and didn't deserve the woman anyways. But he hadn't figured out what 'mmmhmm' actually meant which left him feeling flustered.
Joss knew she was throwing John a curveball with her gentle understanding of his desire to leave. But maybe a little space was necessary for them both. John clearly was getting that claustrophobic feeling and she didn't want him to feel forced to stay with her. She wanted him to want to stay with her. And surely when she told John about the added wrinkle of the hired hit woman after him he'd want to leave for sure.
"So, uh, what did you want to talk about?" she asked, switching topics on him.
John eyed her warily. What indeed? He didn't quite remember now. He didn't like feeling unbalanced and not in control. "About what you listened in on…" he began.
She rolled her eyes as she threw him a look as she closed the refrigerator. "I called your name. I even knocked on my son's door to alert you to the fact that I was home. It's not my fault you were enjoying being a father to my son too much to hear me," she stated, setting her fists on her hips, and lifted her chin defiantly.
Was that what he was doing?—fathering her son without realizing it? "He's not my son," he rasped gravelly.
She made a face. "So you don't believe in people being able to love children even if they aren't their blood?" she asked.
"Of course not; I just meant that's not what I was doing."
"You said 'he's not my son' and that makes it sound like you can't father my son because he's not yours biologically," she growled softly yet angrily, pushing the conversation to exactly where she wanted it to be: personal. She wanted him to tell her something about his personal beliefs and with John's limited social skills preferring the 'speaking when spoken too' method she could use it to her advantage by twisting his words in her favor. Joss hadn't been a top interrogator by accident; she had honed her skill and wasn't above using her expertise at getting John to open up to her even a little bit.
He frowned. "It's not what I meant. Kids are adopted all the time; I was adopted," he admitted, trying to untangle the mess he made of his words and then realized he gone too personal and wished he hadn't.
"You are?" she asked, surprised he was adopted but also smiling with success. "Did you ever look for your biological family?"
He swallowed hard as she swiftly changed the subject to one he didn't want to talk about…himself. "No," he answered shortly.
"Why?" she asked as she sidled up to him.
John frowned. "Joss, we were talking about something completely different," he grumbled. Then a tiny smile flickered on his lips as he realized she had forced the conversation to go this direction. "Still practicing your interrogation skills?"
Joss tried to appear innocent but failed and then shrugged. "I've got to utilize everything in my arsenal to get you to open up. I told you I want in John, I didn't lie to you. Now tell me why you never looked for your biological family." she questioned hating having an unanswered question.
"Why do you want to know?" he asked instead.
"I love you John and call me crazy but I'd like to get to know you better," she murmured softly, though confidently.
His heart skipped a beat again as she said that she loved him. It did that any time she looked at him, smiled his way, or when he thought about her. Even when he was with Jessica he was never afflicted with such a feeling. "I never looked for them because my adoptive parents were my real parents. They were the ones that kissed me goodnight, put clothes on my back, food on my table, and loved me as their son. I never went without."
"What were they like?" she asked as she rested her hands on his hips not shy about wanting info on him.
John smiled as he thought of Margaret and Connor Davis. "Smart and loving, they were the best kind of parents you could ever want. They'd pick you up when you fell down but encourage you to try again so you could get it right the next time."
"They sound wonderful," she murmured softly, not wanting to stop him from speaking.
"They were." he agreed before he cleared his throat. But the trip down memory lane ended abruptly. "Joss, about what you heard me tell Taylor about wanting to be good enough for him and you…."
"You are," she interrupted.
"I'm not," he muttered. She thinned her lips but before she opened her mouth to argue further he raised a hand to stop her. "But I'm trying to be. Change is difficult, Joss, I'm not sure I can even do it."
"Can I have my say now?" she demanded. When he nodded she poked him in the belly. "Let's be clear here; I didn't ask you to change. You're the one that doesn't like who you see in the mirror. And I don't know why because I love the man who is looking back at me."
"My past…" he began.
"...is your past," she finished. "I'm not asking you to look into some crystal ball and tell me our future. Can't you just live right now, in the present, and take it one step at a time?"
He was quiet. He wanted to. "Alright," he agreed. "We can live in the present."
"Yea?" she questioned, with a small smile filling her face, making her dark eyes twinkle. John liked that he made them dance so.
"Yea, just…go slow."
Joss felt her heart melt at the aching vulnerability he just showed at his gentle request. She didn't need a crystal ball to know her future; she saw it when John was holding Taylor trying to help him fall asleep. John was her future; married to her, making love to her, and holding her on a nightly basis. They would watch Taylor grow up and perhaps give him a little brother or sister to play with. But she couldn't tell him that. Not yet, anyways. He didn't even think they had a future and needed one tiny step at a time.
"I can handle that," she said though she wasn't entirely sure she wasn't lying to him.
Now that they had the uncomfortable conversation he really did need to leave. He needed a little alone time to think which he couldn't do when she was around. "I should go," he murmured and started for her door.
"Wait! I have something to tell you." she muttered. He turned to look at her expectantly. "I met with Shaw who had some news from her friend about Snow."
John eyed her warily. "And what did she learn?"
"She got me information that could help put Snow away for a very long time. It should be enough to get a search warrant of his work computers and office," Joss said, starting with the easy stuff. "I'm going to call Fusco and arrange it so he can meet with Donnelly about it. I don't want my name attached to the case."
"I see," he murmured. It was too easy. Nothing ever was and he didn't believe that Joss could just easily arrest Snow. Snow would gladly take Joss down with him.
"But there's more," Joss admitted and he looked up and was glad his instincts were correct. "Root followed him to a meeting with a woman named Martine."
He searched his memory bank but couldn't ever recall meeting a woman with that name. "Never heard of her."
"That's because she's an assassin with a heavy disdain of the CIA." Joss explained and John's warm expression iced over. "She's being paid one hundred thousand dollars up front to kill you and once she brings your molars to him as proof they'll be another one hundred thousand dollars."
"I need to leave now."
Joss watched sadly as John turned and stormed for the door leaving her to rush after him. "John…"
"Snow had to have told her about you. It's a starting point for her search." he snapped as he whirled on her after stuffing his large feet into his male flip-flops. "You should have come home directly after to tell me this so I could get out of here quicker. I won't put your life and the life of Taylor in harm's way."
"If she knew you were here than wouldn't Martine have already come in guns ablazing?" Joss demanded angrily. "There is two hundred thousand dollars at stake!—John, I know you're leaving and I won't even ask you to stay because I know better. You will always put me and Taylor ahead of yourself. But all I'm asking is that you remember your promise to me that you won't leave now that I know where you live. You gave me your word, and no one will ever know that place is connected to you it's under an assumed name that Finch created."
"I won't leave but you need to stay away, Joss." he stated harshly.
"I'm not promising that, John. If I want to see you then I'm coming to see you but I won't do anything risky." she guaranteed.
He frowned and looked as though he wanted to argue before deciding not to because, at least, she understood about him leaving and simply nodded. When John went to turn to the door that's when Joss reached out grabbing his shirt and tugged him to her, kissing him lovingly, passionately, hungrily. She stroked his tongue with hers. John sighed in response enjoying himself because Joss was a good kisser and knowing they needed to part ways for the time being. He was going to miss her even more this time than last. And he was going to miss Taylor. She released his lips to press a warm kiss to his chin, then down his neck, but instead of making her way back up she dipped her head down and pressed a kiss to his chest where his heart was thundering. John stumbled back away from her as he felt the kiss through his shirt, cutting to the quick.
"Be safe John. I love you and want to see where this goes." said Joss, voice breathless from the power of that kiss.
John stared as he nearly took a step toward her but stopped, turned, and left without responding because if he didn't he wouldn't ever leave her.