Chapter Fifteen: Past Guilt

Susan took a deep breath through her nose, out her mouth. Relaxed all the muscles in her shoulders and back before she stood ramrod straight. With a slight pucker to her lips, she lifted her arms, moving into the correction position to send an arrow flying. Waited for the wind to blow just right so that she could use it to her advantage. Or else use it to know when not to shoot off the arrow, knowing it would only be picked up and carried away.

With another steadying breath, Susan strengthened the muscles in her arms, shoulders, back, waited for the right moment, and released her fingers.

Fwit.

Thwap.

She smiled to herself, lowering her hand when she saw her arrow had struck true, right in the center of the target that had been set up. Susan squinted just slightly, lowering her arms. She'd hit the target right in the center but…just slightly off center. Only those that knew archery as well as she would notice it wasn't a true bullseye.

That annoyed her a little. Not so much that she missed, but that she wasn't using her own bows and arrows. They'd been left in Telmar, on the thought that they wouldn't have been in Anvard too long. However, they also expected the negotiations with King Nain and Queen Aria to go through their treaties faster. Susan had been practical about the whole thing, had warned Peter and Caspian that it may not be as easy as they'd thought it'd be.

"I think we've seen for ourselves," Susan said when they told her the plan. "Narnia isn't the same as it used to be. As we remember it. We don't know how things are, politically, anymore." She gestured toward Caspian. "I think everything that's happened with Caspian is proof."

"My uncle has changed the way Telmar has behaved," Caspian said evenly. "I can assure you, under my father's rule, it wasn't nearly as worrying."

"And Archenland has been our friends," Peter agreed. "Through more than one occasion. The passage of time isn't going to change that."

And, once again, Susan had been proven right. But, this time, she kept herself from giving her brother a big, fat, 'I told you so'. Knowing it wasn't the time or place for it. Maybe, when they were able to be back in the comforts of their own homes, they could be siblings again. Not just Kings and Queens who ruled a country.

"That was a nice shot." Susan looked over her shoulder to see Caspian coming up to her side.

"Certainly, a lot better than you could do," Susan replied with an uplifting tone to her voice. A tone that surprised her as much as it did Caspian. Or, rather, surprised her that she noticed it. Noticed how she'd done it since she'd kissed him, thinking she'd never see him again.

Caspian smiled warmly at her. "Yes, I think you've proven that to me before." He thought for a moment. "Now, I can't take up a bow an arrow without remembering how you proved me wrong."

"I hope it wasn't too difficult of a lesson for you."

"Well, it was an easier lesson to learn. You've never sat with Doctor Cornelius." Susan nodded, remembering the man they'd gone in to save when taking on Miraz's castle. She watched as Caspian moved closer to her side, studying the shot she'd just taken. "He was the only one who truly treated me as a person. Not just a prince. As the future King."

"What sort of lessons did he teach you?" Susan lowered her arm to her side, running her fingers over the string of her bow. "Maths and Science?"

Caspian bowed his head, eyes shifting back and forth. As if trying to figure out what she was speaking about. For a moment, Susan felt self-conscious. Speaking about things that, as far as she knew, were only on her Earth.

A part of her old life.

And, for that moment, Susan remembered what it was like; going to school, where she saw all her friends. Where she studied all sorts of subjects that stretched her mind and showed her what the world had to offer. Where she'd have some time away from having to parent Lucy and Edmund alongside Peter. She remembered having brought that knowledge to Narnia, where they'd taught all the talking animals and those that worked in the castle as much as they'd wanted to learn.

It was interesting how much fun she had teaching things that she used to sit in class absorbing like a sponge. Even more interesting I how her brothers and sister, who weren't as interested in education as she was, finding enjoyment in teaching others. It had them grow up a little. But it also kept them connected to their old home while they adjusted to Narnia being their new home.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intend for you to become saddened," Caspian said, breaking Susan from his thoughts. "I was just interested to know a little more about your old life."

Susan leveled her gaze on him. Smiled. "Oh, no. No, I was just…" She reached up a hand, brushing her escaped hair back behind her ear. "I was just thinking…I hadn't thought about that part of my life in a while. Once everything with Miraz…I guess I forgot that we'd only just returned." She thought for a moment. "What other things did Doctor Cornelius teach you? It couldn't have just been maths and science…"

"No, it was many things. I was taught mathematics,"—he smiled at Susan, making her smile back—"And history and grammar. And politics and astronomy." He looked wistfully out across the grounds of Anvard. "I was mostly taught astronomy."

"Astronomy?" Susan felt her nose wrinkle.

With a chuckle, Caspian explained. "They were true astronomy lessons at first. But then he showed me…of the conjunction of the planets Tarva and Alambil. It was an event significant to Narnia. It was then he told he was part dwarf and it was then that he started to teach me about Old Narnia."

"He's part dwarf?" Susan shook her head. "I thought he was human."

"So did I. And so did my uncle. That was his plan, he didn't believe the politics of my uncle, the harsh tactics he was thrusting upon our people." His hand clenched into a fist, shaking at his side. Susan glanced at it then up into Caspian's face once more. "Doctor Cornelius did all he could to teach me the truth. So that I wouldn't forget what it was like to be a true ruler, once it was my time to do so."

Susan reached out, placing her free hand, gently, upon Caspian's. It continued to shake but lessened upon her touch. Caspian looked down at their hands then up at her. Question swam through his eyes, though his mouth relaxed into a smile.

"How did you come about my horn, then?" She asked. "You were the one who blew it to ask for help. That's what brought us back here to Narnia in the first place."

Caspian blinked rapidly. He tilted his head, trying to remember the frantic course of events that set everything in motion. "Doctor Cornelius had it…I…I'm not sure where he found it. It was something that was heralded of those who had been a part of your rule. They searched for it after you all had disappeared."

"Huh. Disappeared." Susan lowered her gaze to her feet. Took in a deep breath, did her best to blink back the tears that threatened to come to her eyes. Just as they always did when she thought to those, her friends, that had waited for their return. And had perished before they could see the return. "Is that what they thought? Is that the story the told?"

"Susan…"

"We left, Caspian," Susan said. "We may not have wanted to, but we left. There was something familiar of the lamp post and our surroundings, but instead of turning back to chase after the stag we…" She continued to look at her feet. "But our people didn't know that. They only knew that we'd abandoned them. They didn't know that we hadn't wanted to leave, that there was this magical pull that kept us moving forward. The very same as that magical pull that brought us back here."

Caspian removed his hand from hers. Tucking his thumb under his index finger, Caspian pressed his hand to Susan's chin. He lifted it upward until she had no choice but to look into his eyes. "That wasn't your fault," he said. "Whatever it was that had brought you to Narnia then was over. It was a magic that was too strong to be denied. The people do not blame you for that. You weren't around to know that."

"If that were the case, then Archenland would've immediately taken on your proposal for a treaty," Susan reminded him. "There're a lot of people involved."

"And it's those same people who had to live under a rule that's made them jaded. It's not something that would make them turn their back son you when they know, deep down, it's not something you were to be blamed for." Caspian shook his head. "You mustn't give up, Susan. There's a reason you all are still here. We just need to find that reason."

Susan nodded.

Continued to look into Caspian's eyes, finding herself enjoying the warmth that suddenly appeared on her cheeks and flushed to her neck. Stretched all the way down to her toes. Just like the shot of adrenaline she felt went about to run into battle alongside her brothers to take back Miraz's castle. The feeling that she could do anything and would do anything to protect those that mattered to her.

So what did it mean then?

Intuitively, she knew. Had always known since the way she bashfully looked away from Caspian, the first time their eyes met. But it wasn't the time to dwell on those feelings that lay dormant inside her. That she'd wondered if it was possible for someone she may leave in the near future to have those same feelings in return. Kept herself from dwelling on it when there were more important things to worry about.

But in that moment, the only thing she could focus on was the way Caspian's hand held her chin. With the same loose strength that she held onto her bow, it dangled from her fingertips. Caspian tilted his head, moved his face closer toward her.

Susa held her breath, wondered, hoped about what would happen next.

Then found himself rushing her gaze to her feet, seeing Caspian's gaze shift to just behind her. He dropped his hand simultaneously. Then he stepped back and turned to face Brielle as she approached, stopping a few feet away.

"I'll leave you to your training then," Caspian said, nodding to her. "Please, enjoy your day."

Susan nodded back, watching him as he moved across the grass back toward the castle. Then she turned an upraised eye to Brielle. "You have amazing timing," she said flatly.

"Would you have preferred it to be Lucy?" Brielle replied, coming to a stop next to her friend and queen. Brielle's eyes twinkled with mischief. "You know she would've told the whole castle by this point."

"Oh, I don't doubt that," Susan said. Her eyes widened. "Not that there's anything to tell."

"Right, there's nothing to tell." Brielle nodded. "If you say so."

"Bri."

"What? I didn't say anything."

Susan shook her head, ignoring Brielle's knowing smile. Then she realized why her friend had arrived. "Was there something you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, yes." Brielle brushed her hands down the sides of her dress, removing the dew drops that settled along the folds. Her nose wrinkled at them. Susan smiled, knowing Brielle's thoughts were encompassed by her ruined dress. "I drew your bath for you."

"You came all the way out here to tell me that?"

"I came out here to know if you've heard of the rumblings going around the castle," Brielle said. She looked away for a second. "And to tell you that I drew your bath."

Susan laughed quietly. She moved to Brielle's side and looped her arm through her friend's. "What is it that's going around the castle? Did a pair of servants get caught in a closet again?" She and Brielle giggled quietly at the memory. "They wouldn't look at me for weeks."

"That's because the servants were afraid of you."

"They were not!"

"Oh, yes, they were. They kept their heads down whenever they walked by you. Made sure not to distress you when you were eating."

"Why would the servants have been afraid of me?"

Brielle gave her a 'duh' look. "Because you were the queen. There were so many times they saw you and thought you were…too logical. Too cold for them." She shook her head. "They had many complaints. But, if one of the guys were to do the same…they'd be heralded for it."

"Yes, I guess that's the price to pay for being a girl," Susan replied with a roll of her eyes. "I must say I'm used to it. When we were home, Ed and Lu listened to Peter more than they listened to me. Even if mum put me in charge."

Brielle burst out laughing. "That's because you didn't know how to have fun, Su." Then she stopped laughing, lowering her chin. "It stopped being easy to have fun once the war started."

"If you asked Lu, I never knew how to have fun."

"Lu always did have a flair for the dramatics." The two walked back to Susan's room, where Brielle sat her down on a stool and made quick work of loosening Susan's braid to brush it out. "So…what was the thing I interrupted with you and Caspian?"

"That was nothing." Susan shook her head.

"Didn't look like nothing."

Susan looked up, bringing her hand up to rest atop of Brielle's, holding the brush still. She turned to face her friend with a fire burning in her she hadn't realized had stuck with her for most of that morning. "I was still angry over the way Queen Aria was allowing the execution to happen on the grounds. Without a just rule. I went to practice some archery so not to allow that anger to completely take me over. Caspian and I were just talking."

"Seemed to me like he wanted to do more than just talk to you," Brielle commented. She waved Susan's hand away, went back to brushing. "You should let him in, Su. It's not just the five of us anymore. There's someone out there who cares about you."

"Cares because he has to." Susan twisted her hands in her lap. Bunched up the skirts of her dress. "Peace between Narnia and Telmar will benefit him as much as it'll benefit the rest of us. Now as the King of Telmr, he understands that."

"You're really selling yourself short." Brielle finished brushing out Susan's hair and moved back to her friend's side, kneeling on the floor as she did so. "You're not just a queen, Susan. You're still a person. You had a life, an identity before you became Queen Susan. You had that life before."

Susan's voice turned hard before she could stop herself. "Things aren't like they were before," she said. "There's more we have to worry about. Our peace is more important to me than my feelings. Even if there are things I don't agree with, I must put my personal thoughts aside—" she broke off, seeing Brielle give her a pointed look, tilting her head aside. "Violence is a completely different entity. As you can tell with my reaction to Queen Aria."

Reaching out, Brielle grasped Susan's hands in her own. "I know Queen Aria's ideals may not be how others run their kingdoms. But whatever decisions you make, as your lady…as your friend…you at least you know have my full support on what you decide."

Susan squeezed Brielle's hands in her own. Leaned forward and rested her forehead against her friend's. The jewels encrusted on Brielle's headpiece pressed painfully into Susan's forehead, but she pushed the pain aside.

Focused on her friend's hands in hers and the strength she drew from it. Just as she did in battle.

"Well?" Brielle nearly jumped out of her skin, swiveling her head to the side, seeing Vincent leaning against the wall beside her the moment she left Susan's room. He eyed her carefully. "What do you think?"

"What do I think of what?" Brielle replied.

Vincent let out an impatient sigh.

Brielle mimicked it with one of her own, then got into Vincent's face. "Don't question me," she hissed at him. He simply watched her, eyes following her every move. "I already told you I had an inside for Archenland and I've proved that. It's going to take time and be less suspicious than them all dropping dead at once." She glanced toward Susan's door then looked away, unable to bear it for more than a second.

Vincent's lips pursed. "We don't have much time—"

"—Then I suggest you stop delaying me."

Brielle left him with that. Going to her room, she passed by multiple servants who looked at her, then looked away, whispering among themselves. Each time she noticed, the corners of her lips turned up even further until she was positively beaming.

Finally reaching her room, Brielle closed the door behind her, humming a tune. She slid her wand out of her boot and waved it around. Within seconds, the blankets on her bed lifted, spun, and replaced themselves on her bed, tucked in neatly. She waved her wand once more and her journal shot out from beneath her hiding place behind the bed and shot across the room to where she caught it in her hand.

With a flick of her wrist, she opened her book and tapped the tip of her wand against it. Her wand shifted upright and started to shift frantically across the page. Taking down Brielle's thoughts as it did so.

"Peter's out of the way, off to determine the reconstruction of Cair Paravel," she noted out loud. "And King Nain and Queen Aria are already starting to question his place of rule. If Silas and Vincent have held up their end of things, it shouldn't be long until Archenland completely splits from Narnia. We just have to wait for word back from the Calormens."

Brielle stopped writing and closed her journal once more. She tossed it onto her desk and walked to the mirror that sat in the corner of her room. She studied her expression, tapping her wand against her cheek. Then pressed the tip of the wand against the hard glass tapped once, then stepped back.

The glass rippled and warped until her image distorted, replaced by an image of a wolf lying curled up on the ground. Its tail swished over his nose, as if tickling it awake. Then it lifted his head and turned toward Brielle, as if hearing his name called. He pushed himself up onto his front legs, tail continuing to swish quietly, almost puppylike, waiting for its master to start playing.

Brielle reached out and pressed her fingertips against the glass, where she would've pressed her fingertip against the wolf's nose. Instead of the cold, slightly damp texture of a wolf's nose, she only felt glass, watching as the image faded away. Slipping through her fingers.

Just like Peter's life in her hands, when the time finally came.

A/N: Took me a bit longer than I planned to update, but at least we got one. It brought in a little bit with Susan's and Brielle's relationship within it as well. Ii hope you guys enjoyed.

Please let me know what you think!

Cheers,

-Riles