A/N: This chapter's a short one, just a filler. But there are some pretty good moments in this one!
Disordered
Mount Justice
October 23, 17:21 EDT
I had kept my distance from everyone for the past week, Kaldur included. I didn't trust myself anymore, not after the way I handled the simulation. I remained out of uniform, off patrol, and locked in my room at Queen Manor. It took some intense coaxing from Ollie, Dinah and Roy to get me out to the Cave after a week of moping and even then I felt like I wasn't sure I wanted to be there. The Cave had been like a second home to me for months, but now, it just reminded me of my mistake. Of my gruesome and utterly selfish decision. I took the easy way out. I didn't die fighting the good fight in that simulation, I died a coward.
When I walked into the common area, I saw everyone either sitting or standing, almost as miserable as I was. No one looked up when I came in, except Kaldur. His expression was dark, sad, his eyes were so dull. I looked away, unable to meet his gaze. After what I did, killing myself right in front of him... I'm surprised he could even think to look at me. But to my surprise, he walked over to me and silently led me to the hangar.
"We need to talk." He said, his voice raw, as if he hadn't used it in several days. I sat on the hangar steps running a hand through my hair with a sigh. Kaldur sat next to me, taking my hand in his, "Kara-"
"I didn't do it with the intention of traumatizing." I cut him off, pulling my hand away and threading my fingers together, "I- I shot myself because I was taught to never let the bad guys take me. My grandfather, the man who trained me, told me that if I was to go out, I was to go out on my own terms."
I glanced hesitantly over at Kaldur, who was still looking at me. Something in his gaze changed, it was no longer dull, rather it was full of an emotion unlike any I had ever seen before.
"Kara." He unwound my hands, taking them both in his and forcing me to look at him, "My love. You did what you believed was the right thing to do. It doesn't make you any less of a hero than you were before. And it does not make me love you any less."
I couldn't stop the small smile from forming on my lips. Leave it to Kaldur to turn this shitty week around. I pulled him closer, pressing my lips to his, the smile never leaving my face. Time seemed to slow in that moment, it was as if we were the only two people on the planet.
"I love you." I whispered against his lips, before they captured mine again. My breath hitched as he hoisted me into his lap, a smile forming on his face at my surprise, but not breaking our kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling a sense of peace fall over me for the first time in days. It was gone as soon as it had arrived. I heard the sound of footsteps approaching us, reluctantly pulling my attention away.
"We should get back." I muttered, loud enough only for Kaldur to hear. He nodded in reluctant agreement. We stood together and were greeted by Connor and Wolf. The former had his helmet in hand and looked ready to tear someone's head off.
"Canary getting to you?" I asked. The clone nodded.
"She wants to see you next. Have fun." Connor jabbed a thumb in the direction of the common area as he walked toward his bike. I watched him carefully and realized what I had to do.
"Go on without me. I'll catch up." I said quietly. I jogged over to where Connor was, giving Wolf a quick scratch on the chin as I approached.
"Hey." I set a hand on Connor's shoulder, making him turn to glance at me, "I know BC can be tough to talk with, especially about what happened to us. But if you want someone who'll listen, just let me know. I won't counsel you, I promise."
He sighed and slid on his helmet, "Thanks. Maybe later."
I smiled and gave him a small nod before taking off back to the common room. When I arrived, Artemis and Dinah were just arriving from their chat.
"Perfect timing, Kara. It's your turn." My mentor offered a comforting smile, but I didn't return it. I wasn't looking forward to this.
I sat across from Dinah, in a room not far from the common room.
"Let's start with how you're feeling. Have you been having trouble sleeping at all?" She was hesitant to ask, I could hear it in her voice. I was never a fan of therapy and she knew it.
"I'd be concerned if I wasn't." I replied with a shrug, "Every time I shut my eyes I see that scene replaying over and over in my mind."
"What scene specifically?"
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, "I'd rather not say."
"Kara, if you're going to get past this you have to share what's plaguing your mind." She advised, giving me a mom look.
"I know. It's just..." I heaved a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of my nose, "I can't get it out of my head. No matter how hard I try to. I- I shot myself, Dinah. I shot myself in the head right in front of Kaldur. How can I possibly move past that?"
My voice began to crack as tears filled my eyes. Dinah passed a box of tissues to me which I set on the arm of my chair.
"Why did you do it? There has to be a reason behind it."
"Ted taught me to never let the opponent take me down. He drilled it into my head. So when it came down to that, I took my own life instead of allowing them to take it." I answered almost robotically, "Meanwhile, everyone else died in the line of duty, in the fevered attempt to save the human race. I took the easy way out. I died a coward."
"Kara, you listen to me." Canary leaned forward, her blue eyes stern and caring, "You are not a coward. You did what you thought was the right thing to do in a situation that would have killed you sooner or later. But that doesn't make you a coward. You are a hero. One of the best young heroes I've ever had the fortune to know. And you are going to do great things for this world."
I leaned back in my chair, a small chuckle escaping me, "That sounded almost motherly, Dinah. Don't tell me you've gone soft."
"Only in this room, Kara." She grinned, "But going back to our conversation, I only have one thing left to ask. After you 'died', Kaldur became unfocused and unable to lead the Team. What did you say to him before you died?"
I paused, recalling my final words in the simulation, "I told him I loved him and then I pulled the trigger."
Dinah sat pondering for a moment, then nodded and stood, motioning for me to do the same.
"He cares about you. A lot. And I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as you are with him."
"Does that mean you're gonna stop hounding us?" I asked with a glimmer of hope.
"Never."
We laughed, a real laugh this time. And together, we returned to the others.
Mount Justice
October 23, 21:54 EDT
Dinah and I were about to leave when Connor came running up to us at the zeta tubes.
"Kara, can we talk? You know... alone?" He glanced warily over at BC. I nodded.
"I'll meet you back in Star City. I promise I won't be long." I told my mentor. She smiled and nodded before disappearing through the zeta tube.
"We can go to the outcropping." I said, leading Connor to a remote part of the Cave I remembered from our first tour. Once there, I parked myself on the flattest rock I could find and waited for the clone to start.
He sighed, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans and staring out at the ocean scene in front of us. "Kaldur and I died together in the exercise. We were taking out the defenses of the alien mothership for a final attack. And... when I woke up, I felt... at ease. From the very moment I woke up in that Cadmus pod, I've only wanted and feared one thing: to know what it means to be Superman. And in that moment, when I died, saving humanity... I realized what it meant to be like him. So, I was... at peace. I was happy."
I didn't know what to say. So I just continued to listen.
"All of my friends traumatized or dead in that exercise, and I feel happy. How do I get past the guilt of that?" Connor finally turned to look at me. His crystal blue eyes waited for an answer.
"I don't have all the answers, Connor. But I do know one thing. Admitting this, admitting how you feel about this whole ordeal is a huge first step. And it's always the hardest one. I'm proud of you, Connor. You've come a long way from the clone we found in Cadmus." I stood and smiled at my friend, who for the first time that day smiled back. I spread out my arms and he rolled his eyes, but walked over and wrapped me in a bear hug regardless.
"Thanks, Kara. Don't know what I'd do without you."
"You'd probably have killed Wally by now."
"Yeah, probably."