Chapter 1 - HOLY $% ! Is that Junkrat from Overwatch?
"Hey, who are those two"
'Finally' Jen thought
"I'm Michael Hana"
"I'm Jen Forge"
"How did you get two get here" said Linka.
"I have no idea; one minute, we're at ゲネリcon. Then we're falling through a hole in the ground into some lady's island." said Mike
"At least we didn't end up in the bottom of an abandoned animation studio like last time" said Jen with a shrug.
"We aren't to speak of that" said Mike with a shudder.
"I called you here from your dimension to help save the planet" said Gaia.
"Ok. Why should we care?" Jen said.
"Because you just should"
"No. No we don't. THIS is not our planet. We have no reason to care. This could be dangerous What's in it for us?" Jen said with a shrug.
"Don't do this. We were having actual fun at ゲネリ-con jumping on tiles and shit" Mike moaned.
Gaia gave Mike a stern look before saying "There's no time, Michael! For we already face our first crises! The planet is being threatened by the evil Hoggish Greedly and his sidekick Rigger."
"I feel like that line got changed" murmured Mike under his breath.
"Is that Junkrat from Overwatch?"
"No, Jen, it's the evil Hoggish Greedly. He doesn't care about wildlife, he only wants money and to satisfy his endless greed." said Gaia
"He sounds Presidential."
"And what do you mean by that?" asked Ma-Ti.
"Nevermind," said Jen "Gaia, you want us to fight Roadhog and Junkrat right?"
"Please take this seriously Jen, the earth could be in danger"
"Ok fine"
"Good, now, the geo-cruiser is outback. Get too it planeteers"
They ran out to the beach and to the aircraft.
Gi hopped into the pilot's seat
"How come you get to drive" asked Wheeler?
"Do you have a driver's license?"
"Well no"
"That's why"
Everyone piled into the geocruiser. Since both Jen and Mike were familiar with Captain Planet, they noticed the addition of two new seats at the back of the Geo-Cruiser.
"Were those always there?" Jen asked confused
"No, guess it's because of us" Mike said with a shrug as he sad down.
So, after the planeteers, plus the two unwilling dimensional travelers piled into the hovercraft thingy, they began to talk.
"You know, this has been a very weird day.
One minute I'm a kid from Brooklyn and next minute I'm some sort of cockrate super hero flyin' off, to battle some pig face polluter" Wheeler said leaning over
"You fool. You absolute buffoon. You think being from another COUNTRY is bad, this isn't even Jen or my FUCKInG HOME DIMENSION!"
"There is no need for that kind of language" Ma-Ti scolded.
" #$% off." Jen looked up confused. "Wait. #$%? #$%. F-U-C-K #$%. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE"
"If only Gaia was here. Maybe she would know what's going on." Linka said, gazing out the window like a nerd.
"She is Linka. Watch. HEART!" said Ma-Ti.
There was a strange mustard colored light beaming from Ma-Ti, ring like it was a 2007 rave party. Then, Gaia appeared. Except not, because it was just her giant head, and she was slightly more transparent than she has been previously.
"Don't worry, Planeteers. Though I need to stay at Hope Island, I will be with you in spirit."
"Lot good that will do us in firefight" said Wheeler, causing a small fire that Gi quickly put out because she is the second closest to being competent in the group.
"You must have faith in yourselves, Planeteers, because you're fighting for the good of the whole world"
"No pressure" Jen mumbled.
"And if we encounter a situation which we can not handle?" Kwami asked since he was the most competent in the group.
"I think you mean 'when'." Mike mumbled
"Well, just put your powers together, then you'll really be surprised."
"Bitch" Mike said simply. "We have NO experience, and our only hope is to summon He-Man's oxygen deficient vegan boyfriend."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Wheeler asked standing up, in his seat because he did not understand flight safety..
"Sit down Yankee" GI said turning around
"And fasten your seatbelt" Linka added..
"What the communist said." Mike shrugged
"Didn't know you cared"
-YOU GET A LINEBREAK, YOU GET A LINKBREAK, LOOK UNDER YOUR SEAT, EVERYONE GETS A LINEBREAK-
"The whole coastline is being destroyed" said Linka.
"Those poor animals. We have to help them" Ma-Ti. This was because with the heart ring, he was forced to constantly feel and hear their suffering. It sucked.
"But first, we must stop the oil spill"
"Why can't Gaia just do it herself. Shes probably infinitely more powerful than Captain Crunch" Mike spat as they approached a giant robot pig thing
"Because Gaia has trusted us with this job, and we shall do it." Kwami replied. "Land on that dock over there."
The children started to land. But before they could, they started to get sprayed by oil"
"Oh my god" Jen said
"It's them" said Mike
"It's Junkrat and Roadhog" they said simultaneously.
"We're being hit" Gi yelled as the geocruiser started to shake from the onslaught.
"Those guys are really rude" said Wheeler.
"No #%$&" said Jen "I still can't curse. Mike, you yell at him"
"The controls are jammed. We're going down" said Gi, panicking.
"No we are not" said Kwami. "Linka your windpower."
"But of course," said Linka, understanding the plan. "Wheeler take out the door"
"You got it Russky Tutunski Fi-"
"Hey, dipshit. Maybe don't use fire on a door covered in a flammable substance, unless you WANT to kill us all" Mike deadpanned. Mike knew that the ring probaly wouldn't really do that cause the oil to, but he didn't want to risk it. Who knew if things would go the same in this world, you know.
"Language"
"Now is not the time Ma-Ti"
"Then how do it open it then." asked Wheeler
"Kick it. Use Brooklyn Rage" Mike exclaimed, miming kicking the wall.
Wheeler side kicked the door and it flew off.
"Now Wind" Linka yelled. The geocruiser was surrounded by a small column of wind.
"You did it! We'll land safely now!", said Gi.
"No, can't get. To. land. We'll still hit water and sink"
'Guess magical wind powers don't give you super strength then huh.' Jen thought to herself. 'Seems like a copout. '
"No we won't leave it to me," said Kwami "EARTH"
A large pillar of rock rose from the sea floor, probably killing much wildlife in the process. However, they were able to land on it safely. Gi is a pretty good pilot.
Mike stood up and looked around the hovercraft. "Fucking sweet there's a mini fridge" he said, opening the mini fridge "Gaia pimped our ride . Jen, you want some orange juice?'
"Mike, you can get your vitamin D intake elsewhere. Let's go out."
It was too late, Mike already had a martini glass filled with sweet orange nectar. "We should just stay and watch. They'll be fine"
"Where did you even get that...nevermind, we gotta go."
A voice sounding like someone with a deep voice who smoked for at least 7 years came from the oil drilling robot
"Greetings strange ship, who are you anyways?"
"We're the Planeteers, you greedy, pollution creep."
"Yo fuck you" Mike says through the megaphone of the hovercraft, snatching it from Wheeler "Prepare your ass for maximum kickage"
"Language"
"Fuck off Ma-Ti"
"You talk like that again kiddo and i'll blast you with more crude oil" Greedly said, sounding hurt
"I'm not sure how appropriate that is for you to say to a bunch of minors sir." said Jen.
"You shoot again and i'll make sure every drop is burnt to a crisp" said Wheeler confidently
"That may have been the first cool thing you've sent since we arrived at hope island." said Mike, sounding proud of Wheeler,"Just a…try to make sure that you burn it up completely so it doesn't rain flaming oil on us capiche. "
"I'm sure you could, planeteers, but stay out of my way or i'll make sure my next blast lands on your furry little friends on the shore" Roadhog said evilly.
"Listen. Rutledge. Don't threaten to have a blast land on a bunch of minor's furry friends." said Jen "You'll probably get sued for harassment"
"Gaia can sue you for all you have and more my dude" Mike said after taking a sip of his ice cold oj "Her net worth is like, 45 mil?"
"I think we have problems" said Wheeler, turning to Mike. Both he and Mike realized that maybe just maybe, you shouldn't antagonize a guy who can shoot oil at baby animals.
"Well, what are we going to do" asked Linka, stressed af looking at the poor, poor animals,.
"Well we have to do something. That derrick is still spilling oil", said Kwami, even more stressed.
"That helps" said Jen.
"Every second we waste, more of the shore becomes polluted. The animals are threatened." Gi said.
"But if we attack ,the derrick will bury them in pollutions" said Ma-Ti.
"Unless we attack it HARD ENOUGH" shouted Mike
"The situation is more than we can handle" said Kwami.
"You mean…" started Linka before she was cut off by Kwame's rude ass.
"You mean, we have to combine our powers"
"How do we know it won't cause an explosion" whispered Jen to Mike.
"We don't. We hope it causes an explosion" replied Mike
"Wait, I forgot, we watched this show. It won't" sighed Jen.
"What are you two rambling on about" yelled Wheeler .
"Whether or not your actions will doom us all to die"
"Mind your damn business" both these things were said at the same time. Ma-Ti would have reprimanded them for language, however, he has recently came to understand that it was no use.
"We must let our powers combine"
"EARTH"
"FIRE"
"WIND"
"WATER"
"HEART"
But then nothing happened except weird lights.
"Wait what" said Jen, "Where is…"
"Please don't tell me we have to do something? Mike says
"Wait, we do have stones of some kind. They aren't rings tho" Jen said
"What does mine even do" asked Mike messing with his hair nervously.
"No idea, but I think I have the power of MIND"
That's when it happened. A beam light, much like the one from earlier beamed out from Jen's glasses hitting the other light. Before Mike could figure out just what his hair tie gem thing did, the 6 lights seemed to be enough.
The light from the 6 rings coagulated sailor moon style into He-Man's oxygen deprived boyfriend himself, Captain Planet. He also had the addition of a pair of glasses exactly like Jen's and some actual pants for a change.
"By your powers combined, I'm Captain Planet"
"GO PLANET"
I guess you were too weak to take care of it yourself so I have to do it for you"
"Uh...did Captain Planet always act like that Mike" Jen asked.
"No, but he's kinda acting like you when you're tired."
Mike and Jen seemed to be the only ones accepting Captain Planet at face value. The rest of the planeteers just looked extremely confused
"Holy smokes, what the heck izzat! HuH!1! HuuuUUUH!" proclaimed Junkrat...i mean Rigger...I mean uh...you get the point.
Greedly let out a short belch "Trouble. Get on deck and man the arms. We gettin outta 'ere"
"He's getting away!" Wheeler yelled.
"And he's letting all of the oil spill into the ocean!" Gi spat
"What do you want us to do Captain Planet!" Ma-Ti ejaculated.
(editor's note: We are sorry for the use of that word, one of the co-authors was adamant about it's use. -Writer Z)
"Who are you?"
"i'm your powers, except combined, magnified, and with more common sense." captain planet said, completely monotone "while i'm here all of the power stone things don't work except for the one in that kid's hair"
"So basically we all can do nothing?" Mike said
"Oh and that's a big change from before?"
"Touche"
"I got no idea what the fuck mine even does" Mike said
"Something to do with sass, i think." Captain Planet shrugged
"For now I'll handle the pig and the rat, you clean up those animals, and I SWEAR TO GAIA IF YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID AND GET YOURSELVES OR THEM KILLED."
"GO PLANET"
"Bye"
"Now, I gotta put the oil back because I care about those animals more than most of the planeteers anyway"
He began to funnel the oil back into the broken pipe.
"Hey, he's sucking the oil back into the pipe" said Wheeler
"He succ"
Mike was then bonked on the head by Jen.
"GO PLANET" said Gi.
"Why do they keep saying that" asked Jen.
The rest of the oil was sucked back into the pipe
"Now to seal it off…and if someone tries to unseal it I will reseal this by shoving their dominant hand into it." Captain Planet grumbled.
The Captain Planet grabbed the piece of metal pipe left behind by the derrick breaking off from the pipe.
"Gotta get rid of this garbage." He said as he hurled it into the trash can. "Eh, that'll work."
"IMPOSSIBLE. He cleaned up the entire oil slick."
"We can fight better on land" said Greedly.
"Here he comes boss" said Rigger
A large metal arm reached out and grabbed Captain Planet.
"Huh"
Another robotic arm appeared, and started to stab him over and over again.
"Harder daddy"
"What" said Greedly
"Nothing"
"Great, now I have to kinkshame Captain Planet" said Mike.
"Wait, the only change to him was because of me. Is this my fault? DO I NEED TO KINKSHAME MYSELF. I'M NOT EVEN INTO THAT. My kink is (editor's note, this was removed for your sanity and for the sake of humor)" Jen groaned.
"You want to do WHAT with a rubber chicken! I'm kinkshaming you and your polyamorously concieved son" Mike said
-BACK TO CAPTAIN PLANET-
"Garbageboy stinkman belongs in the toilet" Captain Planet says, breaking free of the arms, picking up Rigger, and dropping him directly into the trash
He contemplated throwing HIM into the sun, but decided against it because there was still a part of them that greatly cared about humanity. He flew back up to where Greedly was.
"You're going in the trash too pal"
"I don't think so hero, if I can't drill ya, I'll wasta ya, with this toxic waste"
He turned on the hose, spraying Captain, covering him and making him freeze and fall
"ARGHH"
Captain Planet began to fall back, landing on the hard stone below him.
"Captain Planet is in trouble" Ma-Ti called. Everyone dropped their things and ran over to him. Except for Mike, who had to be dragged by Jen by the back of his hoodie.
"Captain Planet, what's wrong"
"Ugh...why would he…have toxic waste…on his boat?"
"Issa snack" Mike said "for on the go"
"Shut…up. Anyway, Greedly hit me with toxic and I can feel every cell in my body begging for death"
"Seems like my Wednesday morning" Mike said, sipping the last of the juice from his martini glass
"Ok guys we need to get that rock", Jen said, pointing to a large rock. Mike go get some water in your Martini glass. Hurry before he…"
"Oh yeah, gotcha" he said before walking towards the lagoon and filling up his abnormally large martini glass with the water from it
"He what?" asked Wheeler. Then the ground began to shake.
"Listen. The Republican Senator over there is going to try to crush us. You, Me, Kwami, and Linka. Help me move that rock to protect him. Everyone else, get water. If we get his chest cleaned up, he should be able to do the rest"
"On it" said everyone within earshot.
Mike began to walk back at a leisurely pace with his water in hand.
"HURRY UP YA DINGUS" screamed Jen.
"They wouldn't write in an on screen death of one of the main protagonists, Jen, calm down" Mike said nonchalantly
"Mike, I would like to remind you that we are changing things with our existence, unless you are suggesting that WE are being written by someone I suggest you GET YOUR JEAN CLAD $$ OVER HERE"
"Good point" Mike said.
Their argument was pointless because there was a giant metal foot headed for ol' blue man group. Luckily, the planeteers had managed to wash him off and protect him with the rock.
Unfortunately, Jen and Mike were too busy bickering like an old married couple that only joined up for tax benefits that they missed the OTHER giant foot heading straight towards them.
"Fucking do it. You won't. No Balls" Mike said with a large quantity of apathy glaring at the foot, as if challenging it. Jen meanwhile just kind of froze in mild fear. She closed her eyes "idontwanttobecrushedbyafootnotmenottodayandnotlikethis."
Suddenly they were grabbed by Captain Planet and flown to safety just in time for them to survive
"You are the only real hope for me to think logically at all and if you died I would turn into a being with no actual common sense" he sounding like a worried and angry parent.
"I know my ass isn't important you just saved me cuz I got in the way" Mike said.
"No Michael. i need both of you nerds. Both of you provide unique attributes to me that change my outlook. While defeating pollution is possible without the two of you, with you I am able to do and say things that I could not otherwise."
"Cool, do you know what happens if we summon you without heart" Mike said
"I will destroy human and human creation in my path with neither a shred of hesitation or remorse." Captain Planet said in an overly cheerful tone that did NOT match what he said.
"Neat" Mike said "can you go kill roadhog so i can get some pringles my guy"
"Micheal, regardless of my feelings towards Greedly, I am still a hero and can not, nor will I kill people for something like this"
"That sucks" said Mike
"I should probably deal with those two about now" he said, setting the two of them down near the other planeteers.
"GO PLANET", yelled Jen.d
Mike glared at her.
"What?" she shrugged, "It seemed like the right moment to say it. Sue me."
-Don't mind me, I am but a humble line break-
"No one defeats Greedly" yelled Greedly
"That is not correct." Captain Planet said as he punched the shit out of Greedly's bitch ass robot
The robot began to fall.
"GO PLANET" yelled everyone, except for Mike, Mike just kind of grumbled it.
"I'll be back Captain Planet" Greedly said as he ran away.
"Sure pal."
Captain Planet soared back to where the children were.
"It is a good thing Greedly was stopped" Kwami said.
"Sure, but we will probably see him again, and when you do, give me a call. Just make sure you have Jen or Mike with you at the time yeah."
He then disappeared into 6 balls of light. Each 5 of them heading to the rings and a six one temporarily blinding Jen as it slammed into her glasses nearly knocking her over.
"So, that was a thing" Jen said with a shrug.
They began to help with the cleaning up the animals because they were cute and had done nothing wrong.
"Why do we have to help clean this up?" asked Wheeler.
Kwami and Linka used their powers to help clean up some of the oil.
"Because we care, my sweet imperialist dog."
"Because some rewards are better than money"
"Because these are are innocent animals who have done nothing wrong and we should clean them out of the goodness of our hearts."
-PAAAAAAGE BREEEEEAK-
When the 7 planeteers landed their craft back on hope island. Mike immediately kicked open the door to the plane thing, holding a styrofoam container that smelled like french fries.
"Hey, Gaia I got the fries you asked me to get you." Mike said
"Jen and I gotta ask you a few questions so that we can figure out WHAT IS GOING ON HERE."
"Yea whatever" Gaia said "you got me the fries"
"Where did you even get those?" Jen asked.
"Not important."
Gaia snapped her fingers and Jen, Mike, and herself were transported to a room with crystal walls, chairs, and a table that seemed to be a floating plate of pure amethyst about the circumference of an average trampoline.
"Go ahead. Any questions you have I'll try to answer to the best of my ability" Gaia said to the two of them, sitting down in one of the clear crystal chairs.
"Why us of all people?" Jen said, inquisitively
"Because there were only a few groups are people who both watched captain planet, had a friend who also watched Captain Planet, and had enough sense to guide these 5 to saving the environment." Gaia said
"How did you choose between the groups then?" Mike asked
"I assigned each of the groups a number and rolled a d4" gaia said casually "You guys were 2"
"Why couldn't they summon with just fire, earth, wind, water, and heart" Jen asked.
"With the addition of two new planeteers, it would take longer to summon him without either your mind or mike's sass" Gaia replied swiftly.
"What happens when I add sass instead of Jen adding mind to his components?" Mike asked
"You'll have to find that out for yourself, not even I know right now." Gaia said back, putting a couple of fries in her mouth
"Why Mind and Sass in the first place, why not something more useful?" Jen inquired.
"That's easy, the Mind allows you to think of new ideas, and a health dose of sass can help you make it more clear what is wrong with the world as you passively insult people for doing dumb things." Gaia replied
"Can I get some fries" Jen asked.
"ditto" Mike added
"Why not" said Gaia, stuffing a few more fries in her mouth.
"But for now planeteers, it's time for you two to go to bed, you have a busy day tomorrow."
"On the subject of beds, how did you sleep on a crystal platform for like 10,000 years when i can get 1 hour on a Memory Foam mattress
"It's comfortable, and my blood was like, 90% chamomile tea, the rest was lemongrass, NOW TO BED"
Before they could protest, she snapped her fingers and the two of them disappeared and reappeared inside two huts with the basics, bed, table, chair, nuclear warhead, you know, the essentials
"I wonder if they know that the show they saw's timeline is a lot different from the here. Oh well, they'll find out."
-End Chapter 1-