Sometime during the morning, Ryan fell into a state that people usually only experience when they fall asleep unexpectedly during the day. He knew it was just a symptom of his permanent exhaustion, but it still never failed to scare him slightly. Ryan was half asleep, but his forever active mind failed to realise this, meaning that he was almost fully aware of his surroundings, but his limbs refused to move. And to make things even more confusing, his brain had conjured up a perfectly clear image of his bedroom, seen from the perspective of where Ryan lay, so he was tricked into believing that his eyes were open.
It was anyone's guess how he hadn't grown accustomed to it by now, and it had happened so many times that Ryan had begun to think of it in stages. He felt that this added an air of logic to it, and therefore made it easier to handle. The scariest stage was stage one: Paralysis. Where the movement of his body was out of his control and he felt trapped, weak, vulnerable. Unable to perform simple actions. Stage two was Hallucinations, where his mind would create layers of realistic scenarios, making him only vaguely aware of his true consciousness. He hated this part as well. It was as if he could no longer trust his own eyes, which simply added to his position of powerlessness. Stage three, the irrational but unfortunately unavoidable, was rising panic, where he felt waves of claustrophobia and became convinced that he would never escape from this eternal, artificial state his brain had forced him into. However, within a few hour-like seconds, stage four would take place and Ryan would finally start to regain some form of control, and abruptly return to reality.
He was entering stage three now. His mind had begrudgingly accepted that the body was still flat out refusing to budge, and it had gone back to sleep. But the image of his bedroom stayed where it was, now incorporated into his dreams, so they became more like alternate realities.
His bedroom was underwater. It was dark and heavy, not peaceful and calm like it was supposed to be. Ryan felt scared to breathe in case he drowned.
He shook his head.
His bedroom was completely empty, save for the bed he was lying on. His walls had been stripped bare and the paint was peeling. Sunlight streamed in through cracked and dirty windows.
He shook his head.
If anyone were to walk into his room right at this moment, they'd immediately assume that he was having some sort of fit. He had to keep shaking his head to try and snap out of the loop he'd unwillingly fallen into. He wasn't able to tell if he was awake or not and his body still wouldn't move. If he didn't snap out of it fast enough, his anxiety would start to rise and make things worse, because he'd still be stuck, he just wouldn't be able to breathe.
Eventually he fell into a reality where his ceiling was covered in spiders. They were the harmless, slow kind but their legs were disturbingly long, and right above him. This motivated him enough to keep shaking his head until his eyes were forced open and his limbs gradually came back to life. He rolled over onto his back so his eyes were level with the, now thankfully spider-free ceiling. He used the palm of his hand to push his hair away from his eyes and he kept it there on his forehead, taking deep breaths to calm down.
'Can't even fucking wake up normally,' he thought, cursing his stupid brain.
He lay there for a couple of minutes, with no motivation whatsoever to get out from under the covers. He'd used it all just trying to bloody wake up. He didn't want to go downstairs, and interact with people between whom there was a mutual disdain for. Perhaps if he stayed still and quiet enough everyone would just, forget about his existence and leave him alone forever. He'd enjoy that. He would be untouched and undisturbed by reality, and in return he wouldn't screw everything up like he always did just by being there. It would be much more peaceful, for all parties involved.
"Ryan! You're gonna be late!" Called Mike from the stairway, shattering Ryan's peaceful and isolated contemplations. He audibly groaned and buried his head under the pillows. What did he care? The less time he spent at school the better in his opinion. But obviously, Mike would beg to differ, and besides, Ryan had important daily exams that were too important to miss, no excuse required. So, after using up the last of what he imagined as an emergency energy store, Ryan forced himself to stand up, made harder by his legs, which hadn't quite recovered from the night before. He stretched them a little and stumbled over to his wardrobe, his reflection not a welcoming sight in the full length mirror. His light brown hair was standing on end, and he had somehow forgotten that he was still fully dressed. He had to change of course. Mike would notice that he wasn't in his school clothes.
Ryan opened the wardrobe doors and stared blankly at the contents inside. His selection of shirts weren't great. He had several normal shirts and a black hoodie, but the rest were somewhat unashamedly music related, with band images on the front. He hardly wore them, since they were the kind of bands you got teased for, the one thing Ryan wanted to completely avoid. So he usually just settled for his signature red-checked shirt. And obviously for school he had his uniform. Most of the uniform had been shoved to the back of his cupboard, and the rest was strewn around the room. He spent around five minutes collecting it all into a pile, and threw it on. His shirt was creased and he'd lost both the tie and the jumper ages ago. But as long as it was clean he didn't care. He found the shoes kicked to the side, and slipped them on. After a quick mess around with his fringe, trying and ultimately failing to make it flop over his eyes, he grabbed his school bag, opened his door onto the landing and descended into the kitchen.
"There you are. I was about to call international rescue." Ryan jumped at the sudden voice and turned around. He hadn't noticed Charlie behind him.
"Those amateurs," he replied, quickly regaining his composure. "They started panicking and I had to drive the helicopter myself. It's parked out back, near the shed." Charlie laughed. A short exhale of breath. She was leaning against the porch wall with her arms loosely crossed, schoolbag swinging against her knees. Ryan turned toward the gates and Charlie pushed herself up into a standing position to follow. It had become routine now. Ryan was usually the last person to leave the house, so he and Charlie, who would wait for Ryan at the door, walked alone in general silence to school, sharing Ryan's earphones, which were plugged into his phone. They did the same coming back from school. Ryan would never willingly admit it, but it was his favourite part of the day. Perhaps it was simply because he didn't have a lot of stuff to compare it to, his days generally being pretty shitty, but Charlie was basically his only friend and he tried hard to maintain their friendship since it never failed to elude him why someone like Charlie would ever willingly hang around with someone like him on a daily basis, and he was worried that one day she'd realise her mistake and go back to hating him like everyone else. But so far she was sticking around, and Ryan liked the quiet walks.
"I saw you last night. By the way." She suddenly revealed, breaking the silence, and causing Ryan to pause in the middle of digging around in his pockets for his earphones. She said it softly, as if she was trying to break some bad news to him.
"What the hell were you doing up so late?" Ryan asked, annoyed that he apparently hadn't been as careful as he thought he had, and surprised that he hadn't been the only one awake.
"I'm asking you the same question, Ryan. I thought you said you were going to stop sneaking out. I keep telling you it's dangerous."
"I know, I know it's dangerous but... I'm careful! and, it helps, alright? Sometimes I just need to get out of the house, be on my own." He sighed. "Just stop worrying, I'll be fine." Charlie sighed as well, an exasperated sigh, like a mother would give when her child was being difficult.
"You don't know that, though." Ryan decided to ignore her. He shoved his earphones into his ears and blasted some eighties song, not bothering to let her listen.
Most of the time he really liked Charlie, and he liked that she seemed to care about him, something that he was by no means used to. But Ryan, being his usual closed off, private self, didn't enjoy it much when she interrogated him about his bad habits. He knew she was just being a friend, but Ryan hadn't had much experience in that particular field. So he wasn't great at accepting it, and though he too cared about Charlie, he was very bad at expressing this fact, so he pissed her off a lot. And vice versa. Such an unlikely friendship, when you thought about it.
The two didn't talk for the rest of the journey. This was normal, but usually the atmosphere between them was light hearted and neutral, so the slight chill this time wasn't pleasant. And Charlie had her arms crossed, obviously annoyed at him for deliberately trying to drown her out with his music. Ryan didn't give in, though. He knew it'd all be forgotten by the time school was over, and they'd walk back side by side, sharing a single playlist. However easily they pissed each other off, they usually found the eventual make up even easier. An unlikely friendship, but somehow it worked.
The local secondary school was a plain, red-bricked building, located just outside the suburbs, in the middle of two long residential streets. The large, semi-detached houses surrounding the building cowered in its shadow, like the tiny year sevens tiptoeing around the tough sixth form bullies.
Ryan hated the place. Socially speaking, he was never very good at school. The kids from all his various care homes always made it clear that they didn't want to be associated with him in public, and his normal classmates didn't want to be associated with a care kid. So he was forever stuck in the middle of an unfair social circle. However, acedemically, Ryan was fine. Better than fine actually, he was in the top set for most of his classes, so the teachers regarded him highly, despite his downright rudeness towards some of them. Obviously though, getting on with teachers was not something he could brag about in a public, comprehensive secondary school, but it certainly came in handy sometimes.
Unfortunately, having good grades was a small part of school. Once you'd gotten to a high enough level, exams were no longer your main problem. Surviving became your main problem. In the two years Ryan had attended this place, he'd avoided a majority of the expected hassle by talking back at teachers, picking on the new kids and enthusiastically joining in on any "girl talk" in the boys' locker room. Basically, what he'd done was make himself entirely invisible. He lied about his grades, his interests, his music taste. His sexuality most importantly. Anything that might make him a target, Ryan had found a way to temporarily erase it. It wasn't fun.
"Yeah mate, I love Post Malone's music," Ryan would say to some kid at lunch, with only a vague idea of who Post Malone was. But asking for an opinion on Tyler Joseph or Vic Fuentes would be a cause for looks, scoffs and merciless teasing, so he avoided it. In fact he generally just avoided conversation altogether. Apart from Charlie, Ryan didn't have friends, merely companions whom he could sit next to at lunch. They were only good for a quick chat, or text, or message on WhatsApp, and maybe not even that. They would be of no use in the unlikely event that Ryan would phone someone up in the midst of a mental breakdown and expect to have an in depth and enlightening discussion. Most likely in that scenario they'd tell him to piss off and then hang up. Or ask to use his games console.
However, Ryan was relatively content with his general isolation. The less people he talked to, the less likely it was that any information that could, and definitely would be used against him would get passed around. But keeping up the facade was exhausting, and countless times he had been tempted to give it up, but then he'd hear a mean-looking Year 11 claim that some student he didn't know was "bent", and be met with immature laughter and shouts of "fag!" or "queer!". And Ryan couldn't help feeling waves of anxiety whenever he found himself within earshot of these regular groups, and as he walked past them, his wall of pretence gained an extra row of bricks.
Author's Note:
Okay so these first two chapters have kinda been an introduction to Ryan, his situation, and the story in general, so that's why there's such a dramatic difference between descriptions to dialogue ratio. But hopefully it sounds good, mainly because I wrote the majority of this in between writing essays on the Cold War and bopping to The White Stripes and Fun Boy Three- uh, I mean algebra... I was doing algebra, mum.
Anyway, I want to thank everyone who reviewed (I ACTUALLY GOT REVIEWS! HEY MA, I'M FAMOUS!) They were all so amazing that I feel,like I'm going to have to reply to them all individually... don't me.
Justice237- Your review was so awesome and I'm still over here smiling like a loon. Thank you so much! I agree with all you said about the OCs. I stopped reading the fanfics on WP as I just didn't like the OCs. I hate it most though when OCs are residents of Ashdene Ridge. I'm alright with separate OCs from like school or something, as long as they're well-written, because we don't really have a choice with that. It's hard writing a Ryan/Boy fic cos the only real non-OC choice is Alex, and honestly I'm not keen on Alex's character, so I find it pretty hard to ship them. Anyway, all that in mind, hopefully Ryan's OC bf will fit well and readers will like him. And also omg yes, I have read A Broken Masquerade Mirror and I guess I'm gonna have to slightly reevaluate my dislike of OC residents because that story was brilliant, really well-written. I totally agree that it's quite possibly the most sophisticated TDG fanfiction on the internet. Anyway, thank you so much again for your amazing review, I loved reading it. Also, lmao "depressed, gay, insomniac" is now the title of my goddamn biography,
Dark Heart 945- Thank you, thank you so much I'm screaming again and also *tries to stay calm in the face of someone else who knows Brendon Urie* GOTTA ADD IN THAT PROMO, BITCHES! Seriously though, thank you for your review, I really appreciate it. Sorry that you don't like Charlie as much, I admit she's not a common choice for *cough* second favourite character (obviously Ryan will always be first) and tbh I only really started liking her recently, mainly from writing this fic. Also my gay ass thinks she's hella cute. She's mainly just here for plot purposes though. At the moment I'm not planning any other Ryan fics, since this one is already taking up most of my time, and I want to focus on it as much as possible, but maybe when I've finished I'll write a few Ryan one-shots. In fact, it is very likely I will, I have a lot of headcanons.
CharlieSMarts12- Okay, i am smiling already at your review, it is so awesome, seriously this kind of positive feedback really motivates me to write, cos I'm so convinced my writing's terrible. So thank you so much! Hopefully I can keep my writing up to standard. The stakes are high now. I was no expecting any, let alone good reactions to this story. How many times can I say thank you? I'm gonna say it again. Thank you!
ScorbusIsCanon20- I KNEW IT WAS YOU FROM LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW WORDS (and also your username) AND I'M SCREAMING. YOU, MY SCORBUS FRIEND, ARE AMAZING! How can I even convey how much I appreciate our friendship? Over two years of DMing in all caps lock is honestly not enough. Without wanting to sound like I'm giving an acceptance speech at the Oscars, you have supported my writing from the very beginning and that support has not wavered once. So thank you. Lmao I don't even know if this chapter's good, I just needed to give you a shout out just for being awesome. And anyone who reads this is contractually obliged to appreciate you. (She's also an incredible writer go read her fanfiction over on AO3 called "The Inevitable Fate" whether you're a fan of Harry Potter or not, it's beautiful okay bye.) Always!
Linneagb- Thank you for your review, I will try and update as much as I can. And yes, I'm not keen on OCs. Not all OCs of course, some are really interesting and well-written. I'm not compartmentalising all OCs as terrible. I'd be pretty hypocritical if I did. But too many TDG fanfictions are based around OCs, and that can get on my nerves sometimes. But I'm really not trying to shit on anyone's writing, I promise. I appreciate it all, and I like that people are creating their own characters and sharing them. It's just not something I like to read all the time. (Did this make any sense? XD) anyway, thank you again for your review. I'm glad you found the story interesting.
Flower- I am very happy to hear you weren't bored for long, and your review was actually really nice, so thank you! Short and sweet it was! I love that. I'll definitely update when I can. If I ever let this fanfiction become discontinued, please come to my house and lock me up till I finish it. Basically what I mean is, even if there's a long wait between chapters, it is very unlikely I've stopped it permanently. Unless I'm like dead or something. That would be pretty shitty.
Okay so! That was an outrageously long author's note! Probably longer than the actual short ass, shitty chapter. Ah well, reading's good for you. The dinosaurs didn't read and look what happened to them. I'm just the one who has to type all this out (I'm even drafting the author's note cos that's the kind of edgy bitch I am.)
I'm sorry if there's a bit of a wait until chapter three. By the time I had published chapter one, I was already around 3/4 through chapter two. But now I'm starting chapter three from scratch, with only a vague idea of what it's about. But! I'm gonna do my best to publish it soon. Also I have said the word OC eleven times during this. Fear me.
Also, next chapter I'm planning on introducing the OC "love interest", but I'm still knocking around a few names, at the moment my main choice is Levi. Thought? Any ideas would be cool, SO feel free to suggest some names. If I end up using one I'll credit you. Though I've gotten kind of set on Levi so idk. One more thing, what did you think of the new episode? i liked the part where Ryan existed and he was so done with literally everything. Because same. Ryan isnt evil he just dislikes human interaction, and honestly that's fair.
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Frank Gioia and Gerard Way co-wrote My Immortal.