A few days passed. The weather grew a little nicer and Ryan had started to grow accustomed to the new routine that was beginning to form; walking home with Charlie and Thomas, unfortunately no longer able to share his music with her unless she specifically requested a song. He knew it was only for another week, just until they had finished whatever project they were working on, but to Ryan's dismay they had started to strike up an actual friendship, so Ryan found it unlikely that this was the last time he'd be forced to spend time with Thomas. However, his one comfort was that Thomas didn't live down the same route as them, so soon they wouldn't have to walk home together anymore, and since that was the most Ryan saw of him, he didn't think it was necessary to get on his good terms. Charlie on the other hand seemed to thoroughly disagree, and appeared to consider finding some common ground between the two her life's work. She asked them hundreds of questions, even though she already knew most of Ryan's answers.

"What's your favourite film, Thomas?" She'd say. "What's yours, Ryan? Do you play video games, Thomas? What are your favourites? Ryan loves video games." And on and on it went, until it took all of Ryan's willpower not to deliberately shove his earphones in his ears and turn the music up so loud that even they'd be able to hear it. If it made him deaf it'd probably be worth it. Thomas didn't seem to mind though and while Ryan answered her begrudgingly through gritted teeth, Thomas answered her easily enough, his eyes crinkling slightly at the corners to show his amusement. But Ryan was highly unappreciative of her meddling, especially when she got so caught up in herself that she started talking about Ryan as if he wasn't even there.

"Ryan isn't much of a reader," she announced to them once when Thomas mentioned some books he'd enjoyed. Ryan had forgotten that he'd been trying to find a place to read when they first met. He'd forgotten that he was a complete nerd. But he did wonder whether Thomas ended up finding a good place to sit in peace, and he wondered where it was.

"But he has one or two which he gets obsessed with. They're all he'll read."

"That's not true." It kind of was, but Ryan was getting defensive now. "And who asked you to write my bloody biography anyway?" He snapped.

"If I did it would be all you'd read." Ryan and Thomas snorted at the same time. Ryan in contempt and Thomas with genuine humour. Charlie smiled smugly as the two shared a look. She was wrong though, for once. If Ryan had a book written about his life he'd take much more pleasure in burning it than reading it.

Once they got back, Ryan had to make the decision on whether to close himself off in his bedroom and stream shows on his laptop, or sneak out to the skatepark for a practice on the ramps and a smoking break. Usually he opted for remaining in his room, where he forcefully told himself that he was staying inside simply because he wasn't up to going out today, that he was much more content with lying on his bed and watching Rick & Morty. And he outright refused to accept the ever so slight notion which kept popping into his head now and again that perhaps he was hoping to run into Thomas and strike up another conversation with him, alone. Like the one they'd had in the music room, which Ryan had found himself thinking about a lot lately, ever since it had happened, and as usual he had no idea why.

Or maybe he did know, he just didn't want to admit to himself what the real reason was. He didn't want to.

Had Ryan ever had a crush before? He supposed it depended on how you defined it. He'd had his fair share of celebrity crushes, of course. He considered his first crush to be on Jeremy Sumpter when Ryan was ten. He wasn't fully aware of the true extent of his fascination with the actor, but the posters taped to his wall of films- some of which he hadn't even seen before- was kind of a giveaway. As he got older, his crushes on male celebrities became much less subtle, and by this time he realised that they were, in fact, proper crushes. And he couldn't help watching the music video for Girls/Girls/Boys more times than was necessarily okay. But an actual crush on an actual person? Maybe. He was unsure since whenever he felt something more than just a quiet disdain towards a person, he repressed it immediately. He knew that nothing good could come off it, and by the end only he would be hurt. And he wasn't prepared for that. Ryan just needed to accept the fact that while he was here, in this school, in this town, in this situation, he would always be faced with an invisible barrier between him and the boys he couldn't help falling for. So in the meantime he had to find ways to stop falling for them. If a good-looking boy in his class smiled at him, Ryan saw it as a smirk used to mock him. If someone brushed against him accidentally Ryan believed it to be an act of mild aggression. It got to a point where Ryan automatically saw everyone as a threat or an enemy, even if he hadn't been briefly attracted to them at some point, even if they were a girl, even if they were a stranger. Everyone was against him, and Ryan constantly felt like he had to fight.

But Thomas was already against him. Thomas actually fought back. Did that make him different? Was he harder to ignore because Ryan didn't have to pretend to see him as something else? That would be beyond typical if the only guys he allowed himself to take an interest in were the ones who already hated him.

But Ryan had started to notice, more so than before, that despite his tactless and rude exit the other day, their music-room-conversation as he referred to it, had certainly brought about a change between their attitudes towards to each other. They still hardly said a word, nor even smiled at one another, but there was a slight detached amusement that saved the silences from being too awkward, and at one point, completely out of the blue and catching Ryan off-guard, Thomas came into his room and looked around.

"The hell are you doing in here?" Demanded Ryan once he'd gotten over the initial surprise of seeing Thomas in his doorway.

"Charlie went downstairs for a drink. Thought I'd explore," he replied, as if this was a completely normal thing to do.

"Well this isn't a zoo and I don't want you in here, so piss off."

"You like skating, then?" Thomas continued, ignoring Ryan's request. "I never got the hang of it myself. Are you any good?" Ryan stared at him without a word. What was this kid on? And why the fuck was he here?

"No offence but unless Charlie's dying or something there's no reason for you to be in here." Ryan hoped Thomas would get the hint and leave so he turned back towards his phone and was about to put his earphones in when-

"Is there anything going on between you and Charlie?" Ryan paused and looked up. Was Thomas actually asking what Ryan thought he was asking?

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're not like, together... are you?" Ryan nearly laughed out loud, and in fact he couldn't help but let out a slight chuckle.

"No. We're not."

"So, she's single?" It was obvious by this point that Thomas was making sure it was alright for him to ask her out. And Ryan realised that he was in quite a good position here. He thought of Alex for a second, who also clearly had a thing for Charlie, and the idea of seeing the jealous look on his face was an all too good an opportunity to miss. But then again, if Charlie was with Thomas, Ryan would find himself on the receiving end of a pretty shit deal. He'd have to spend more time with Thomas, and Charlie would spend less time with him. He didn't much like the sound of that arrangement.

"No, she's with Alex," Ryan lied, thinking that Alex owed him one. Although seeing the crestfallen look on Thomas's face was definitely a bonus.

Then the look of disappointment turned into a look of slight suspicion.

"How do I know you're not lying?" Asked Thomas. Ryan nearly scowled at him, wondering how he'd caught on so quickly, although the likeliness that Thomas had forgotten Ryan's attempt at sending him to the other end of the school the other day was pretty slim. So Ryan did his best impression of looking mildly hurt.

"Now Thomas, when have I ever done that?" He crooned sweetly. Thomas rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. I'll ask her myself." And he finally walked out. Ryan glared at the closed door, feeling like he'd ended up more disappointed than Thomas, which had not been part of the plan. But... wait. Disappointment? That wasn't right. Ryan's range of emotions usually just went from anger to nothing. Why was he disappointed all of a sudden? He supposed it was because if Charlie agreed to date Thomas, the shitty deal would be set in stone, and surely that meant that she would deem their friendship to be less important than her relationship. And he'd spent quite a good deal of his time making sure that Charlie saw him as something more than just an evil bastard. He didn't want that all to suddenly be rendered useless just because Thomas couldn't keep it in his damn pants. He also couldn't help but be rather overprotective. After all, guys couldn't be trusted, and if Ryan had even the slightest feeling that Charlie was being messed around by someone, their funeral would be held the following afternoon. It was simply the brotherly instinct that still flowed through him. But that wouldn't make him disappointed, just wary.

The more Ryan thought about it, the more he realised that the loss of his old friendship with Charlie wasn't the only reason for his disappointment. But what else was there? He stared at his ceiling for a minute, pondering. Then turned over and groaned into his pillow as it hit him. The notion. He was disappointed because Thomas had just confirmed the inevitable. That he was straight. And so any chance that Ryan thought he might've had, even if it was at the moment only on a subconscious level, had been ruined.

Ryan raised his head. What the hell was wrong with him? This whole Thomas thing was completely screwed up and it just made him annoyed at himself, when he should be annoyed at stupid Thomas. It wasn't worth it. The sooner he stopped fucking thinking about it the better in his opinion.

Ryan turned back around and crossed his arms against his chest, untangling them only to press shuffle on his iPod. He glared at the wall opposite as the opening notes of 'William It Was Really Nothing' by The Smiths filtered into his ears.

The Thomas thing didn't bother him for long. Maybe it would have ordinarily but his mood had started to deteriorate and when that happened he lost focus of his daily problems, both deliberately and involuntarily. He'd always found it weird, the "process" as he saw it. It's not like he started out happy and ended up sad. For starters, Ryan wasn't usually happy. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he was. He'd enjoyed a few things here and there, or he'd found something to be quite funny, but that was fake happiness in his opinion. Real happiness was a superior emotion which Ryan had yet to achieve. He wasn't sure whether the depression was solely to blame for this, or if life just simply didn't interest him enough.

So instead of feeling happy, or even just content, Ryan spent a lot of his time in a kind of weird, calm mood. Though maybe calm wasn't the right word to use, he wasn't exactly a calm person after all. But when he was like this he sort of just, wandered through life. Any inconveniences he ran into during the day were simply that. Inconveniences. He sorted them out quickly enough and continued on in a hazy daydream. And it didn't bother him too much. The nights were still bad. But they were separate from the day. As he lay awake at 2am, wondering how it was possible that only he could hear the screams coming from the part of his brain that was so angry with him that it regularly threatened death, his one small comfort was that when he woke up, the night before would feel more like a blurred nightmare, and he was allowed to have a break.

But sometimes it didn't work like that. It was completely unpredictable. He knew that some people had bad days, or bad episodes. And some people experienced it permanently. But Ryan had a little bit of both, which he thought was fucking fantastic. It was like one month he'd be in that melancholy state where only the nights were a struggle and have bad days here and there. And then the next month, there could be no foreseeable end to the bad episodes. Each day was a write off from the start.

He had to leave his bedroom of course, so no one would hassle him about it. It was a struggle, one of the hardest things Ryan had to do, but he was so desperate to stay unnoticed and to avoid questions and look and pity on the adults' faces, curiosity and bewilderment on the kids' that he found a way. Even if it meant purposefully falling out of bed. The entire day was then spent in dark daze. His mind had clocked off from the outside world and turned inward. The noises surrounding Ryan failed to penetrate, and all he could hear were the abusive screams of his personified illness, which had followed him from his darkened room in the early hours of the morning, to the light bright living room downstairs. There was simply no escape.

He dreaded those months, and the fact that they were entirely out of his control scared him no end. What happened to him during everyday life hardly played a part. The bad months could have been the best months had Ryan been in the right state of mind. School was working out, his grades were improving even more, a guy at the skatepark had taken an interest in him. But Ryan didn't care. It didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered to him.

But then the good months would eventually roll around, and they could turn out to be pretty shit. He failed an exam because he'd stayed up till an ungodly hour on his laptop and was so tired that day that he forgot to show his working out on the algebra test, even though he found the whole thing ridiculously easy. Or, he fell out with Charlie over something that shouldn't have caused an argument in the first place, but it got so out of hand that they refused to speak to each other for a week, much to the amusement of the other residents. Or, he was reminded how terrible school was when a kid who was actually out (whether by choice or not Ryan wasn't sure. He couldn't imagine ever wanting these people to know) got surrounded by a fierce-looking group of guys in the hall and were as violent and intimidating towards him as they could possibly get away with, and without a teacher in sight, it was quite a lot. They'd get right up in his face and hiss indistinguishable but undoubtedly unpleasant things in his ear, while the boys at the back of the group settled for throwing scrunched up pieces of paper at him. By the time the teachers had noticed and, passing it off as nothing more than students acting childish and disruptive, broken up the gathering of teenagers, none of whom got into much trouble, the damage had already been done, to both the boy and Ryan. Watching the small congregation, it just pushed Ryan so far back into the closet that he was convinced he'd never find a way out.

And yet the next day he woke up fine, and was out of bed no trouble. No fucking trouble at all.

Depression just didn't care.

Charlie had started to notice Ryan's moodiness. She was the only one who ever did notice. A part of him was quite grateful that she seemed to take an interest, but another part of him thought it was one person too many.

She knocked on his door after lunch. It was Saturday and Ryan had hardly left his room all day, so she was probably just going to ask him why he wasn't present at the dining table.

"Why weren't you at lunch?" She demanded, hands on hips. He was right then. Ryan glanced up at her, or down since he was lying on his back with his head on his pillow. Charlie had an expectant look on her face.

"You noticed then?" He replied, a little sarcastically. Nearly everything he said nowadays had some level of sarcasm to it.

"You said you'd stop skipping meals."

"Didn't I also say I'd stop going out at night? You know you probably shouldn't trust anything I say." Charlie rolled her eyes at him.

"You're in that mood again."

"What mood?"

"The weird calm-before-the-depressive-episode mood."

"That's totally not a thing." It was a thing. He knew it was a thing. He was just surprised that she knew it was a thing. But he approved of the name she'd given it.

"Yes it is. You go all quiet and stay in your room, more so than usual," she added. "And you lie on the carpet and listen to that playlist... what's it called again?"

"The Great Depression," he muttered, secretly already booting it up and getting ready to press shuffle. It mainly consisted of songs by Twenty Øne Piløts, The Smiths, and Linkin Park.

"Exactly."

"Whatever. Still not true... but you're in my spot." Ryan slid off his bed and lay spread eagled in front of her, untangling his earphones. She nudged his side with her foot.

"You're a mess," she said. Ryan ignored her. He had unsuccessfully untangled the wires, given up, and put the buds in his ears anyway, the mess of wires balancing on his chest. But Charlie still hadn't left.

"I haven't finished with you yet." Ryan sighed and took his earphones out, closing his eyes lazily.

"Hurry up then."

"Why did you tell Thomas I was with Alex?" Shit. Ryan opened his eyes and stared at her. Thomas must have said something. Idiot couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Uh..." he wasn't entirely sure how to answer. Whatever he said would probably reflect badly on him.

"He asked if you were single."

"And you told him I was with Alex."

"Well... you see he was going to ask you out, I think."

"So? I decide what to tell him. Not you. And I can't believe you told him I was with Alex!"

"What's the big deal? I thought you liked Alex. I was doing you a favour." Charlie looked at him incredulously, her mouth slightly open as if she couldn't believe that he was trying to even defend himself.

"Wow. You are unbelievable." She said. Ryan tried to read her face. She certainly looked angry. This conversation was unlikely to end well, and Ryan was already exhausted.

"Look, I wasn't really thinking. I..." he'd dug himself into a pretty deep hole already, so he didn't have much to lose by admitting the reason that he lied to Thomas. Not the reason. Just the reason. And hopefully get this argument over and done with.

"I didn't want him to ask you out," he said quietly. Charlie's expression hardened even more. For someone with such a naturally sweet disposition, she could be quite intimidating sometimes.

"That really wasn't your decision."

"I know but-"

"Do you know how awkward it was to say no to him? After explaining that I actually was single and then still having to reject him. He thinks we're both crazy, especially you luckily-" but Ryan didn't really listen to the last part.

"Wait, you said no?" Charlie shot daggers at him.

"Yes, Ryan. I said no. Don't you dare look so smug about it. It had nothing to do with you. You made it worse."

"But you still said no."

"You're not taking this seriously."

"Why did you say no?" Charlie crossed her arms and didn't reply. She was pissed at him for trying to change the subject. Ryan took no notice. "Is it actually because you like Alex?" He always thought it was one-sided. That Alex liked Charlie but she wasn't too bothered. He only mentioned it sometimes to tease her.

"No it's not that. I mean- I don't think so." Ryan continued to look at her. He tried to appear understanding but he was just glad that he'd swerved the conversation away from himself somewhat, and was eager to keep her distracted.

"So how come you rejected Thomas?" He asked, genuinely interested.

"I don't know. He's not really my type I suppose."

"But you seemed to get on well with him."

"And? I get on well with you. Sometimes. For some weird reason. And I wouldn't want to date you."

"Ah Charlie, you do flatter me." Charlie rolled her eyes again but the beginning of a smile was playing on her lips.

"He's more your type if I'm honest." Ryan's eyes, which were starting to close again, flew open and he sat bolt upright. He regretted such a dramatic reaction but he was too shocked to care at first.

"What do you mean?" He demanded seriously, trying to keep his voice level. Did Charlie-? But how did she-? She didn't know that he was gay. He hadn't even told her. There was no way she could-. But she was starting to laugh now.

"Calm down, your face! I was kidding! Why d'you react like that?" Ryan fought hard not to breathe a sigh of relief. She didn't know. She was just joking.

"That wasn't funny," he grumbled. And what did she mean that Thomas was more his type? That was a ridiculous thing to say, and if it were true then he must have had a pretty rubbish taste in guys.

"It kinda was. And you gotta admit, you two bicker like a married couple sometimes. It's quite fun to watch." Ryan scowled at her. He disapproved very much with how Charlie apparently viewed them. Although a tiny, tiny flicker of hope ignited in his chest before abruptly fizzling out. Why did Ryan care if he and Thomas were compatible? He didn't like Thomas for God's sake. And it would be pointless anyway. Thomas's attempt at asking Charlie out was proof of that. Ryan was being ridiculous. He put his earphones back in and closed his eyes, leaning back onto the carpet.

"You can leave now," he instructed at Charlie. She scoffed at him.

"Stop being so controlling. I will leave if I want to." She paused for a second. "I'm leaving."

"A'ight."

"Act sad about it. Because it's my decision not yours."

"Is this really how you're going to settle all our arguments?"

"Just do it," she sighed.

"Fine." Ryan put on his best deadpan voice. "Please don't leave. I'm begging you. I'll be ever so upset." He stared at her defiantly for added effect. Charlie, continuing the act, put a hand to her forehead and sighed dramatically.

"And yet I must. This is my choice, Ryan. I'm sorry." Ryan dropped the deadpan voice and followed her dramatics, looking at her desperately with his fist to his chest.

"How could you?" He whisper-shouted. "You've ripped this household apart with your strong and independent mind."

"I can stay here not a moment longer. You are simply too stifling. Farewell, Sir Loser." She strutted out, head held high. Leaving Ryan grinning at the doorway.

Then a moment passed and his grin faltered, and disappeared. The conversation should have left him content for much longer. But it never worked like that.

Depression just didn't care.

The next day was Sunday, so Ryan didn't have to worry about school. No one would really expect him to leave his room at all and Charlie would make an excuse for him at meal times. She'd told him a while ago that she'd cover for him for a maximum of two days, because that's usually how long his episodes lasted, the worst part of them anyway, unless of course it was a bad month. By day three Ryan would have had to have sorted himself out because there were only so many excuses Charlie could give.

Their arguing was always short but fierce, and no matter how stubborn they both were they didn't hold grudges against each other for too long, and they usually argued about silly stuff anyway, like who had rights to the TV, or who'd survive longer in the Hunger Games (Ryan was adamant that not only would he survive in the Hunger Games but that he'd actually win. "Only because you wouldn't think twice about killing everyone, you monster.," Charlie had said defiantly, but she couldn't really argue with him. He'd outlined some seemingly foolproof tactics). But when it came to his depression, their arguments were serious, drawn-out and lasting. Ryan felt that Charlie wasn't listening to him properly, and wasn't understanding him at all. Charlie said that she was trying her best to understand, but that he was making the whole thing unnecessarily difficult for the both of them. Ryan hated these arguments because once again it felt like his depression was winning. The illness was infamous for isolating its host from any friends and family that they had. Ryan hadn't had to worry much about that before, not having any friends to lose in the first place, and his only family was Chloe, whom he wasn't that close with anyway. But somewhere along the line, he'd let his guard down. Charlie had somehow entered his dark little circle of self-centredness which he'd carefully constructed for himself and now he had to worry about her.

"I can't keep making excuses for you, they're going to start getting suspicious. Besides, I'm sick of spending my whole day trying to come up with believable cover stories." As soon as she said it she realised how bad it sounded and put her hand over mouth, waiting nervously for his reaction.

"Well I'm so sorry to have caused you any inconvenience. I didn't realise you were having such a hard time. I guess I was just sick of being so bored of my life and waking up so drained and exhausted that I actually have to get someone to help me from getting in trouble for not physically being able to get out of bed. How selfish of me. You must think I'm incredibly lazy." He hadn't meant to say so much but he needed Charlie to once and for all understand where he was coming from. He said each line slowly, sarcastically and with a low voice that sounded vaguely threatening. He didn't really want to speak to her like that, and he certainly didn't want to sound like he was threatening her, but it looked like his shot had gone home by the way she stiffened at the last line.

"Ryan, I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't thinking. I don't think you're lazy." Ryan sighed, trying to calm down. He wanted this argument to be over.

"It's fine, whatever. Look I am sorry for dragging you into this mess, and ordinarily I wouldn't have to. But my depression isn't improving, if anything it's getting worse. I don't know why it is but from time to time I'm going to need some help. And you know me, I never ask for help."

"You really need to work on that, you know."

"Yeah I... I am." The tension was lifting ever so slightly and to the relief of both of them it seemed clear that the conversation was coming to an end.

"And I will help you. But if I get something wrong just explain it to me. Don't hold it against me. I haven't gone through what you have, not really. So it's going to be that I'm not going to understand everything immediately, okay?"

"Okay." It was the most reasonable conclusion they'd ever had to an argument.

That was in the earlier days when Charlie was still coming to terms with the fact that Ryan was clinically depressed. Nowadays, she still got a bit tetchy if she had to cover for him for more than a few days, but she'd gotten much better at dealing with him in general. When she came into his room to tell him off about Thomas, he liked that she hadn't let him off the hook just because he was feeling down, like she might have done before. Okay, so he hadn't exactly wanted to get told off, that part was annoying, but it was more the fact that Charlie continued to treat him like normal, and not as if he was so delicate that even raising your voice would shatter him. A few social workers in the past had acted like that towards him, and it pissed him off no end.

He still wasn't keen on forcing Charlie to go to all the trouble of lying to Mike and May Li, which he knew she hated doing, just for his benefit, so he had hoped that this episode wouldn't roll over onto Monday. Unfortunately that was just wishful thinking.

School used to be quite easy to avoid. Ryan would just have to call them up, pretend to be Mike and say that Ryan was ill and wouldn't be coming in today. He even put on a pretty convincing Irish accent just for added authenticity. It might've been a bit pointless but in case the receptionist had ever phoned Mike up (and judging by the chaos that usually followed a large group of pre teen care kids, this was likely), and remembered his voice, Ryan needed to cover all his bases. Besides, it was quite fun to do. It was then simple for Charlie to tell Mike that Ryan had already left, or returned, depending on which part of the day it was. This was believable since with so many kids the school rush was overwhelmingly hectic. Half the time Charlie didn't even have to say anything. No one asked.

But one time Charlie made the mistake of pretending that Ryan had gone on ahead within hearing range of the others. Chloe had looked at her suspiciously and claimed that Ryan hadn't even come downstairs. He wasn't at breakfast. Charlie was then forced to admit that Ryan had skipped breakfast, but that he had already left, they'd just missed him. Ryan was a bit annoyed that Charlie had told them that he was missing meals, but she convinced him that it was the only thing she could've said. And since Mike only thought it was that one time, Ryan wouldn't get much more than a warning.

"He'll be watching me closer at breakfast now," Ryan sighed. "I'll have to think of a different excuse."

"You're going to quite a lot of effort to do this. Wouldn't it be easier to just-"

"Charlie. No. The effort to do this is nothing compared to the effort of going to school when you can't even see the point of opening your eyes." Charlie refrained from mentioning it again, but Ryan was permanently worried that she'd soon find him to be more trouble than it was worth and end up ditching him.

"Tell you what, stick with the excuse. But wait until the others have left. Then, I dunno, take a bit of toast with you. Say it's for me and I've already gone."

"That's incredibly risky." Ryan looked across from her and sighed.

"Then we'll just have to hope that any future episodes are on the fucking weekend. This house is a fucking nightmare."

"Ryan..." Charlie was used to his bursts of sudden and unexplainable anger, but she did go on at him about swearing so much. Not that he ever listened.

That Monday was no different. Charlie succeeded once again in explaining away Ryan's general absence, and Ryan once again wonderered how hard this would be if Mike actually paid attention. He concluded that Mike would find out about the true extent of his depression within a matter of days.

For the next few hours, Ryan didn't move. It only vaguely registered in his mind when Mike and May Li left the house at various times to run errands, which would've been quite a relief, but they hardly came into his room anyway. Except when something had gone missing, and he was the first to be searched.

Ryan lay there in the silence. His body had temporarily shut down and if he wasn't able to hear the soft, rhythmic beating of his heart, Ryan would have had to assume that he was dead. Sometimes he'd imagine what that it'd be like if he was. He'd be lying face down on his bed, almost entirely hidden by the covers as usual, and his body would suddenly decide to slow the soft ticking of its gears. There didn't seem much point in keeping them going, it would think, Ryan was barely using them and it was too tiring trying to keep them working. Ryan wouldn't even notice when his heartbeat grew fainter, the beating simply being replaced by the ticking of the clock in his desk. Then his chest would refuse to draw any more air in and his lungs would start to scream... Or would they? Perhaps they'd welcome it. Sometimes when he was in the bath, he'd duck his head under and hold his breath for as long as possible. After a few minutes it would hurt, and the survival instinct would soon kick in. But Ryan could ignore it, and the burning would wash over him and the protest of his lungs would drown out the noise in his head and everything

Was.

Silent.

If Ryan slipped away with no reason and with no struggle, the only thing he'd notice was that his mind would go quiet, and he would only notice because it would be the loudest thing in the world. And the relief would almost be enough to make him start breathing again.

Almost. But not completely.

He'd stay there for another few hours, limp, still, immovable. Same as he'd been before. Until someone found him, probably Charlie. She always checked on him after school. She'd walk into his room without knocking and immediately start talking about... whatever she talked about. Ryan never really listened. And at first she wouldn't notice anything wrong. It was normal for Ryan to not even acknowledge her presence, or talk to her, or open his eyes. But maybe something would make her stop, some... feeling. Did a room feel different when someone had died, even if you weren't aware that they had died? Ryan didn't know but it seemed likely that the room would just feel a bit... off.

Charlie would look more closely at him. The skin that was visible from the duvet would be paler, almost blue. Perhaps his lips would be blue. And the usual steady rise and fall of his chest would be missing. He would be utterly still. Charlie's eyes would widen as the realisation hit her, and she'd immediately fall into a temporary state of denial. She could see the evidence but she would refuse to believe it. In a last ditch attempt she'd grab his wrist and check his pulse, maybe check the one in his neck, then she'd place her shaking hand on his chest, willing there to be any kind of beat, no matter how faint. But there would be nothing. Ryan was gone and nothing and no one could bring him back. She should just walk away and forget all about him. But she'd continue to fight for any scrap of hope. She'd scream for Mike and May Li, thinking that there must be something they could do. But of course there wasn't. Why would there be? All they could do was scream at him as well, although this time it would be with fear and desperation rather than anger. It was almost a shame that Ryan wouldn't be able to hear it. But Ryan. Was. Gone.

And everything was silent.

Ryan could never work out whether this was a nice thought or not. The premise was of course morbid and alarming, but he didn't reject it, or force himself to stop thinking about it like he would have done had he disliked it. It didn't scare him, not at all. It was only a hypothetical scenario after all. He was simply playing a harmless game of What If? If anything it was a good distraction.

The front door slammed and Ryan was vaguely surprised to hear multiple voices. High pitched and cheery. The others were back. Ryan hadn't noticed how much time had passed but then, he never did.

A few minutes later, on cue, Charlie was walking into his room. She didn't knock and she immediately launched into a summary of all her daily anecdotes, and this time Ryan attempted to listen.

"-and the club didn't meet today cos Ellie was sick so I had to eat lunch in the canteen and Richard Morris from Year 9 tried to pick a fight with this older kid and it was quite funny, because you know, he's very small. And he didn't do much but the teachers got involved-" Ryan nearly smiled at her attempt to pretend that everything was fine, that the only sickness that he was dealing with was the kind that Ellie What's-her-name had.

Charlie stopped to take a breath, and Ryan lifted his fingers as an indication that he was still there.

Author's Note:

Me to me: Do you know how long they've had to wait for a new chapter?

Me: *Thomas Sanders voice* I'M ALREADY DOING IT, VIRGIL

For real though, I'm worried this chapter isn't good enough to compensate for not publishing for a liTERAL MONTH. But you'll be pleased to know that that's basically the last of the filler/introduction chapters, and I'm finally gonna get on to some actual events and storylines and Thomas moments so... yah.

Also, you may have noticed that the chapter titles have changed (assuming the update worked) Yes, they are titles of songs (you're seeing a theme now, right?) And I wanted to do this originally but a) I forgot and b) I didn't want to think of names. I'm lazy like that. But then out of sheer boredom I spent like half an hour thinking about good song titles and I decided to go for it. Better late than never I guess. The titles differ, sometimes it's just the titles that suit the chapter, sometimes it's just the song. Most of the time it's both. They're all good songs though, so I recommend them.

Also, let me know if you actually want me to make a 'Great Depression' playlist (inspired by Simon's playlist from the book, Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, also called The Great Depression.) I decided to add it in because it just fit Ryan. He'd definitely name a playlist that. The songs on his though differ from the ones in the book, 'celt for The Smiths. But yeah, if you want me to make it, probably a YT playlist, I'll link it next chapter.

Anyway, time for Replying To Reviews: A Broadway Musical

(Btw, Ryan would 100% win The Hunger Games.)

Dark Heart 945- Hm yeah, the things that Ryan does with strangers is a complete contrast between his personality because on the one hand it would seem like something Ryan would hate to do, but on the other, it is quite a Ryan thing. This is why everyone likes him, because he's by far the most complex of characters on the whole of TDG. Yeah, honestly it would be fun to see Mike's reaction to that but I'm not sure if it would ever be relevant to the story, Mike finding out about them, because really, the strangers aren't really relevant to the whole story. But idk, I might find an opportunity to add it in. If I do I'll certainly try. Ugh, I know, like god di I manage to miss such a pure episode? Thank God all the episodes are on Iplayer. Second, absolutely in love with Alec Benjamin. Third, I will never tire of being enthusiastic about Demons.

BlueSatan12- Why hello there tøp lover! We are very happy to have you here. And omg thank you, I'm so glad to hear that I got their personalities right, that's very important to me. Your review was so nice, I'm happy you're enjoying the story and thank you for reviewing (sorry if I say thank you too much).

CharlieSMarts12- Okay you are way too kind, like I'm smiling so much every time I read your reviews. Also, don't encourage me to take such a long time, believe me any opportunity to procrastinate I will unfortunately take it. Ha, yeah that's what I was going for between Thomas and Ryan, like they're trying so hard to insult each other but it's just coming across as romantic tension. Aw, thank you, with this story I did really want to openly present Ryan's homosexuality, and talk about it in more depth. To get an idea of his thoughts and feelings, how he deals with it and all that. It's one of the reasons I'm writing this fic in the first place. Obviously the main reason is because I love Ryan and we need more Ryan content, but also I want to just, discuss these kind of topics. And Ryan's a good character to do that with because his character is such a mystery it's kind of a free-for-all on how he's presented. Anyway I'm rambling. Thank you so much for the, as always, lovely review. It is much appreciated:)

Justice237- Again, i am very happy to hear that the experiences I'm writing about can be seen as relatable to readers. It really makes the story feel like a community thing, if that isn't too cheesy to say. Wow really? You did A Level music? That's so cool! I'm only on the GCSE music at the moment, but it's one of the only subjects I really enjoy (I know it's impossible to tell, but I'm a complete music nerd.) Nah, I don't mind you talking about yourself, it's interesting, and nice to get to know my readers. I'm impressed, and very glad, that you noticed the slight comparison between the mystery girl/playing guitar analogy in the first chapter, and Ryan coming face to face with it with this mystery boy in chapter four. Like he hates all these cliches, and this boy in front of him. But he can't really escape either of them. Aha, yes you noticed the fourth wall break. Yup that was a reference to it actually being a TV show. Seriously, I'm so glad (I've said that like fifteen times) that I can transport the reader to different locations and situations, because I find that's quite important in writing, mainly so you don't get lost and it adds to the realism. But yeah, it's good to hear I'm managing to do it correctly. So thank you very much! (Hm yeah, it's good to have a similar location to superimpose the location in the book. I actually don't have a local skatepark so I kinda just model it on what I've seen on TV and stuff.) Hm, yeah Ryan's interactions with strangers has no doubt affected his mentality on his general love life. He probably thinks that strangers in the skate park are the best he's gonna get, and it's not even worth thinking about an actual relationship. Anyway, thank you so much for the review, I enjoyed reading it a lot. Yours are always so awesome and helpful:D

Mkay guys, I'm gonna try my absolute hardest not to leave it so late next time. Although don't me to it. I'm not making any promises. Next chapters gonna have quite a lot to it.