"He's more your type if I'm honest."

Once things had gone back to normal and Ryan didn't find it so hard to leave his room, he'd occasionally been replaying the last conversation he'd had with Charlie. Since it had mostly been about Thomas he couldnt really help but listen, but it wasn't really Thomas he was thinking about. Not directly anyway. He was thinking about why Charlie had said that Thomas was his type. Once Ryan had gotten over the initial surprise that not only was there a vague possibility that the two of them were compatible but that it was also visible to other parties (something that he was not particularly happy about), he'd wondered why Charlie had bothered to say something like that. It wasn't a suggestion it was a joke. There was no way Charlie could know because he'd never told a soul. Well, that wasn't strictly true. He'd told one person, once. But as that person never had and never would have any contact with any person in this house, it wasn't even an option worth worrying about.

However, there was something about the way she'd said it that he liked. She was teasing. Friendly teasing that they did all the time. She would have said the same thing if Thomas had been a girl. She had said it because it was funny to see the reaction one gives when accused of having a crush on someone. She'd say the same thing if she knew that Ryan was gay and thought he had a crush on a guy.

And that thought alone made him want to tell her more that anything. He wanted her to tease him about having a crush on a boy. He wanted her to shoot him knowing looks from across a room when he was talking animatedly to a male classmate, like she occasionally did when he appeared to be interested in a girl. Maybe when she actually did all that stuff he would find it extremely annoying, but for the moment he liked the thought that for once someone would treat him normally just for being who he was. He'd never really experienced that before. The first time he came out was almost the last. Ryan shuddered at the thought. He didn't want to think about that time.

But it was years ago now. He needed to move on from that bad experience and just let himself live his life. And he needed to start by telling Charlie.

He sat at his desk for hours, staring blankly at his computer. He'd turned it on to play games, as a distraction, but he couldn't focus at all. So he gave up and fell deep in thought, not even noticing that he'd lost the game ages ago. Music was blasting from one of the open tabs but Ryan couldn't be bothered to scroll through and find which one it was. So he sat there with some Enimem song as the background music to his thoughts.

If Ryan told Charlie he was gay, would he have to tell her about Thomas as well? He was getting tired of trying to pretend to himself that he didn't like Thomas, but he had known that it would end badly. He didn't think it was necessary to tell Charlie because there wouldn't be much point. Nothing would happen between him and Thomas because there would always be that glaringly obvious problem that Thomas was straight. Ryan just needed to forget about it. There'd be other guys, no big deal. He couldn't have a boyfriend while he was in school anyway.

He'd tell Charlie tomorrow. The sooner he got it over with the better. Perhaps if he considered this his first time coming out, things would be okay. He just had to make sure that he wouldn't think about before. Because he couldn't let the past control his future. Not anymore. The future would be too painful otherwise.

"You can't tell anyone, okay? It's a secret," whispered Ryan, leaning in close to the boy next to him. He couldn't let anyone else hear what he was about to say, it was too private. And it wasn't really a normal conversational gambit, especially when you were eleven. His opening statement should ideally have been "so on Minecraft yesterday-". But unbelievably, this was more important than Minecraft. The school bell had just rung and they were surrounded by the eccentric and nonsensical chatter of primary school-aged children, weaving together their stories of classroom activities and playground games, to the listening ears of enthusiastic parents. Ryan had decided to walk home with his friend Elliott, who lived on the same street as his care home.

Perhaps 'friend' was an overstatement. Yes, they hung out at school sometimes and yes, Ryan had occasionally been over to Elliott's house, but that was simply to play video games with the multiplayer option on. They weren't exactly life-long pals. Walking home together was usually for convenience. Ryan was a loner and Elliott had his own group of completely different friends, none of whom were particularly keen on Ryan. And Ryan wasn't keen on them. But he liked Elliott. The boy was small, quiet and good at keeping secrets, and unlike everyone else he didn't seem to mind being around Ryan, which was always a bonus. So Ryan had eventually, after long contemplation and observation, deemed him trustworthy enough to tell. His social worker was constantly on at him to trust people more anyway, so perhaps this would be good for him. He'd make his social worker happy at least. And Elliott might not even see it as a big deal. That would be an ideal scenario. Ryan was sick of having his whole life revolve around this one thing that seemed so small to him and yet to others, classmates and social workers, it was all they saw him as. He just wanted someone to say 'okay' and then ask if he wanted to play a game of football. He wanted to feel normal for once. And perhaps Elliott could provide that. Ryan was terrified of course. He still wasn't quite ready to admit to himself what his feelings meant, but he felt like he needed to tell someone, and he wanted to know the reaction. Surely it couldn't hurt just to mention it, right?

"Uh, okay. What is it?" Elliott looked at him cautiously, but also with a certain amount of encouragement. He found Ryan to be such a fascinatingly mysterious character that he was eager to hear what Ryan had to say.

Ryan breathed in deeply and then exhaled. Slowly. Five seconds in, seven seconds out. He swallowed. They were on the bed, him and Charlie, in her bedroom. He'd come in originally to help with her physics homework, a subject he was very good at despite finding it soul-crushingly boring when not being discussed on a particularly good episode of The Big Bang Theory. It was a weak point for Charlie though, so he was regularly roped in to help.

They worked in relative silence, Ryan explaining certain formulas here and there and observing how she used them, for around forty minutes before eventually admitting to equal levels of boredom. And a moment later, Ryan left to collect his laptop so they could watch TV. They sat side by side on Charlie's bed with the laptop balanced between themselves, one side on Charlie's left leg the other on Ryan's right, and began to watch some old American sitcom, one which Ryan for once didn't mind the constant stream of quick one-liners because some of them were actually quite good. Charlie laughed quietly along with the canned laughter that erupted from his speakers every few seconds or so, but Ryan remained subdued. He wasn't focusing properly on the jokes so he kept missing the punchline. For the last half an hour, Ryan had been trying to convince himself that now was as good a time as any to tell her. He hadn't quit the physics homework just because he was bored, he had simply started- hypothetically- planning on what he'd say to her, but he grew more and more serious about it until he wasn't able to concentrate on what Charlie was working on. He'd mess up his explanations and she'd end up failing, and he didn't want that.

Okay, so he had technically decided that he'd tell her today, no matter what (an extra detail he'd only added in for encouragement, knowing full well that if there was an opportunity not to tell her, he wouldn't think twice about taking it), but it still felt too soon. They'd been friends for ages now and they'd known each other for even longer, so it felt weird keeping something like this from her, but at the same time... was he ready? He sighed. No, he wasn't ready. And until he'd gotten it over with and seen her reaction, he'd never be ready. If he didn't do it now he'd be hiding forever, living like someone else simply because he was permanently waiting until he felt ready. He was as ready as he could force himself to be, and right now that had to be enough.

Ryan took in another deep breath to calm down. If he had an anxiety attack at a time that didn't appear to call for one, sitting quietly watching light-hearted entertainment, he'd look and feel like a bit of an idiot. And he'd also have to explain why he was panicking in the first place. And then he'd have to come out in a way that he hadn't planned. But it was also the idea of coming out that was making him panic, so now- now he was in a loop. Great.

'Calm the hell down,' he told himself sternly. He was making too much of a big deal out of this. It was ridiculous.

A few more seconds passed and he felt relatively confident that he wouldn't start hyperventilating suddenly and freak Charlie out. So he turned the volume down slightly on his laptop; not turning it off completely (he didn't want to continue making a big thing of this), and looked over at her. Charlie stared back, confused as to what he was doing.

"I can't hear it now," she said. Ryan ignored the comment and fought to get his mouth to open and form some kind of a sentence.

"I need to uh... talk to you about something," he began, his voice barely more than a whisper. It refused to go any louder, as if it hoped that Charlie wouldn't hear a word that he was about to say, and then they could go back to watching trashy TV, and Ryan could feel satisfied in the knowledge that he had technically come out, it's just that Charlie hadn't heard. Not his fault, nothing could be done, life moves on. Unfortunately for him though, she had heard. And her face was now a mix of curiosity and concern. There was no going back now.

"So, it's kinda weird but, don't like freak out or anything." Ryan had no clue what to say. He'd certainly never done this before, and he never thought he'd ever have to do this, or at least, he'd hoped he wouldn't. But it was getting too hard to deny that nothing was wrong. That everything was normal. He couldn't be sure that what he was feeling was... what he was feeling. But he knew that other boys didn't feel this way. He and his classmates were still quite young, and girls weren't really a big deal to them yet. But they still knew that one day they'd want a girlfriend. They still knew that they'd want to kiss them or whatever. Some of the more "mature" ones already had, and they had felt quite pleased about it. It was all they could talk about, along with making crude comments about the prettier girls in their class. But Ryan didn't really understand their comments. He just couldn't see what the big deal was. He'd hoped that maybe he was just too young. A teacher had once overheard one of their conversations about this girl from the local secondary school which they'd all be attending to next September. The teacher had told them off quite harshly, saying that they were "much too young to be thinking about such things." She was quite old-fashioned but that didn't mean she was wrong. Ryan almost prayed that she wasn't wrong. But if he was too young then he wouldn't be thinking about anyone that way. And he did. Just not towards girls like he was supposed to.

"So... the thing is..." Should he say it quickly? Or beat around the bush a little? Once again, he felt the panic of being in uncharted territory. How should he go about this? He thought it was best to get it over with and deal with any consequences as fast as possible. "I think I like boys."

Elliott was silent for a full moment. He was looking very confused, but apart from that Ryan couldn't read his face at all.

"Huh?" Was all Elliott said when he'd finally found his voice. Ryan stared at him. Had Elliott not heard? Ryan felt a little hopeful. Now that he'd actually said... it...out loud, he wanted to take it back. Not because he thought it wasn't true, completely the opposite actually. That was the problem. He'd never said it out loud before, and perhaps he should have. The realisation of what he was truly admitting, to himself and Elliott, hit him full force all at once, and he felt like running, or crying. And he definitely didn't want anyone else to know. But it was too late. There was no way Elliott hadn't heard, they were right next to each other. Elliott was just making sure he'd heard correctly. Ryan would have to keep talking. He'd have to keep explaining something that he didn't fully understand himself. And he'd have to keep saying the truth out loud whether he wanted to or not.

"Boys. I like them. I think I'd rather have a boyfriend than a girlfriend." He had to choke the words out, and he wasn't sure if he was making any sense.

Elliott stopped walking, so Ryan had to turn around to face him. He still couldn't read the boy's expression, but he could feel the fear rising inside his chest. Elliott was staring at him so intently that he couldn't help but lower his gaze. He saw that his hands were shaking.

"What is it?" Charlie had waited silently for a moment for Ryan to speak, but he was still struggling to find the words, so she was starting to get impatient, though she still seemed more worried than anything else. Ryan could understand why. He never wanted to talk so this was obviously serious. She was probably half expecting policemen to burst through the door any minute and arrest Ryan for some outrageous crime. But the room remained quiet, the kind of intimidating quiet that made Ryan feel very exposed. But this was stupid. He couldn't sit here forever and say nothing. Charlie would get annoyed, or think him mad. And she couldn't just leave because this was her room. He'd have to leave, and that would be horrifically awkward.

Another second passed and he decided that it was now or never. He had to say something. Anything.

"I don't like this show."

"I don't get it. You mean you're like, gay or something?" Ryan thought about it. Elliott had said it so easily but Ryan had refused to use the word 'gay' in the past however many months he'd been thinking about this. It felt too final. Like there was nothing he could do about it. But that was stupid. Just because he didn't want to give it a word, didn't mean it would all just go away. He'd have to say it eventually. He'd have to think it eventually.

"Um... I don't know. Maybe." Ryan still hadn't looked up. He was too scared to see if Elliott's expression had changed or not. But Elliott wasn't saying anything now. Was he just thinking? Or had he legged it immediately, leaving Ryan to stand there with his head down like a weirdo. Ryan didn't like that thought so he forced himself to at least raise his eyes. Elliott was still there. Watching. His mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something but couldn't quite think of the words. His face was still just as unreadable as before, but finally he took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on Ryan's.

"Okay," he said shortly, his voice wobbling ever so slightly as if he had to force the word out. Ryan suddenly felt as confused as Elliott had been. His physical reaction had seemed much more dramatic than his verbal reaction. They didn't match. Something was off.

"Okay?" Repeated Ryan, in an almost challenging tone. Elliott glanced at his feet, looking painfully uncomfortable as if he very much wanted to be far away from here, and far away from Ryan. Ryan couldn't help but sympathise. He had just dropped this out of the blue, and it was by no means a fun nor lighthearted conversation. It was the type of thing you talked about with a parent, or counsellor, or best friend. But since Ryan had none of those, Elliott was really his only option. He just hoped that Elliott's awkwardness was simply because the conversation was... well, awkward.

"Uh... yeah. Okay. Whatever. I don't... care." There was a pause. Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but Elliott immediately cut him off.

"I think I should uh... go. I need to go." He started walking in the opposite direction.

"Your house is his way," called Ryan, pointing his thumb in the direction of where they'd been walking, before he ruined the entire mood.

"I know, I just... left something at school." Without pausing, Elliott turned the corner, and Ryan was left standing alone on the pavement. Like an idiot.

I don't like this show. I don't like this show. Ryan internally kicked himself and his eyes raised up towards the ceiling in disbelief, as if to say "are you actually kidding me?" to his brain. Charlie stared at him like he was crazy, and Ryan had every sympathy.

"You what?" She said. Ryan had two choices here. He could either come out right now and admit that he had just been too nervous to say it at first, which was actually perfectly reasonable and he wouldn't lose much face. She might laugh at him a bit but she'd understand. Or, he could continue looking like an idiot and stick to this sudden hatred of a TV show which was apparently so great that he needed to have a serious conversation over it. Surely it was obvious which choice was best.

"You heard. The show sucks. Dunno why we're watching it." Christ almighty.

"You put it on," reminded Charlie. If he could just say it now, right now, he could still get away with it. Keep some dignity.

"Yeah, 'cos I thought you liked it."

"I mean, I'm pretty indifferent if I'm honest. You could have just said first time."

"Well I didn't, so..." Ryan looked at the door, judging the distance and working out if he could successfully dive through it from where he was sitting. However, the door was closed, and he was confident that, tempting as it was right now, slamming his head against the wood probably wouldn't make the conversation any less awkward. And Charlie was still staring.

"What?" Defended Ryan, as if anything he had said in the past five minutes made sense. Charlie raised an eyebrow at him.

"What do you mean 'what'? You're acting weird."

"No I'm not," he sulked, and even quieter added "you are."

"I'm really not. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing! Just... shut up." He wasn't angry at her, of course. He was entirely pissed at himself for chickening out. But either way, he was in a bad mood. And since Charlie was the only person in the room, she had to take the brunt of it.

There was silence between them for a second, before Ryan decided that he couldn't take it any more, and he abruptly stood up, walked out of the room, and slammed the door.

Ryan didn't hear from Elliott for the rest of the day. He tried to call him a few times once he got back home, but he gave up after it kept going to voicemail. He didn't leave any messages.

"Maybe he's not mad, maybe he just got kidnapped coming back from school," said one of the older kids who had asked why Ryan kept looking at his phone. Ryan had briefly explained that he'd had a conversation with a friend and it hadn't ended well, skipping of course over the detail of what the conversation had been about.

"How is that supposed to help?" Ryan sighed, checking his phone one more time before putting it away, feeling dejected and pretty sorry for himself.

"I dunno. Solves your problem I guess."

He was up all night going over every detail of his interaction with Elliott, telling himself how much he'd screwed it all up, and not only that but now Elliott knew. What had he been thinking? He couldn't trust anyone with a secret like that.

Before going to sleep, Ryan sent one last text:

Please don't tell anyone.

No reply.

Ryan did not want to go to school the next day. He couldn't think of anything worse. Elliot would most likely continue to ignore him, and though they weren't exactly close in school and it wouldn't make much of a difference ordinarily, Ryan still didn't really fancy the looks that Elliott would no doubt give him, or the panic he'd feel every time he saw Elliott talk to his friends.

What Ryan didn't know at that point, was just how much worse it would actually be.

He avoided Charlie for the rest of the day, which wasn't too hard since all he did was stay in his room. He was surprised that she hadn't tried to bother him about what happened, but he assumed that she was just mad at him. He had acted pretty unreasonably towards her after all. But he didn't apologise. Because despite everything, he was still too proud to confront her again and admit that he'd been an idiot, so he simply refused to look her in the eye, or speak to her. Like a coward.

He knew that Charlie would eventually break her silence towards him and ask what the hell was going on, and he knew he'd have to tell her, and that scared him. So he tried to put it off for as long as possible. It would be easier on Monday when they got to school, because he hardly saw her during school anyway, but the journey there was a worry. It would take Charlie a second to ask what was wrong, and it would take a second for Ryan to answer. And there'd be 600 seconds for this to happen.

'Why're you being such a wimp?' Ryan said to himself that night, lying flat on his bed and as usual unable to quieten his thoughts and go to sleep. 'It's so much hassle, can't you just tell her?'

'Remember what happened last time we told someone? Last time we trusted someone? How it ended?' Ryan replied back, trying desperately to forget what he was telling himself to remember.

'That's because you told the wrong person. Charlie wouldn't-'

'Doesn't matter. Once I tell her, I'll have to tell everybody, and no one can keep a secret in this damn place. Soon people at school would know. That's where it all goes wrong.'

'You don't have to tell everyone...' But the voice said it quietly, trailing off at the end as if it wasn't convinced of what it was saying. Truth was, he didn't have to tell everybody, but he would have to tell Chloe. No matter how much they didn't get along sometimes, he couldn't exactly keep this from his sister, not for long. And as much as he wanted to trust her with this secret, she hadn't yet proved herself to be trustworthy. Not towards him anyway. What if this was like that time she told Tee and Sasha that he was scared of ghost stories? He knew she hadn't done it to be malicious, if anything she was trying to get them to stop spying on him. But she'd been too trustworthy. And that was the problem. She trusted everyone, he trusted no one. It was one of the many differences between each other. Furthermore, Chloe was best friends with Candi-Rose, Ashdene Ridge's resident gossip. If Chloe told her it'd be all over. The whole house, the whole school, the whole bloody world would know within 24 hours. So he just couldn't risk it. But sometimes taking a risk wasn't as hard as not taking it.

Ryan knew something was wrong as soon as he entered the classroom. Not that it wasn't immediately obvious. When he opened the door everyone went silent and stared at him, as if he was the teacher, about to reprimand them for sitting on the tables. But it wasn't a scared or respectful silence, it was more like they were waiting for something to happen, something involving Ryan. A few people were hiding their smiles with their hands, or stifling laughter. Ryan instantly felt the familiar wave of dread wash over him. Two people glanced quickly at the whiteboard then back at him. Ryan followed their gaze, and his stomach plummeted. The words 'Ryan Reeves is queer' were written right across the board in capital letters. A few sniggers went around the classroom as they saw that Ryan had finally noticed.

He didn't let anyone see his reaction. He was angry and upset, but the only visible sign of distress was a single twitch of a muscle in his jaw, and he calmly walked up to the board, took the eraser, and rubbed out those four words. The class lost it over Ryan's unsubtle acknowledgement, and the laughter and shouts didn't die down until the teacher arrived and informed them all that he could hear them from outside and if they didn't shut up he'd lock them all in the supply cupboard. No one ever knew if he was joking or not. He was quite nice though, and if he had seen the crude message scrawled across the board he might have actually done something. But Ryan didn't want that. For starters, no matter what the teacher did it wouldn't make much of a difference. The kids would just bully him in secret. And this way, it wouldn't be drawn attention to. There was nothing worse than the whole class being forbidden to leave until the culprit of whatever childish joke they'd done had come forward, and the victim had to sit there while every pair of eyes were glaring at his head, as if it was his fault. As if he had asked to be harassed. It was easier this way.

The teacher told Ryan to sit back down, and by the look he gave he probably suspected that Ryan had caused all the noise, which was technically true but ironically, Ryan had yet to say a word. And as he turned back towards the smug-looking students, he caught sight of Elliot, right at the back, whispering something to his neighbour and grinning. Ryan wanted nothing more than to punch that stupid grin off his face. It didn't exactly take a genius to work out who had written the words. The anger in Ryan's eyes must have been visible because when Elliott briefly met them, his smile faltered, and a tiny flicker of what looked like guilt crossed across his face for a moment, but quickly passed as someone else whispered a reply in his ear, and guilt quickly turned to amusement. Ryan sat down at his desk and faced away from him. If this is what happened when you told someone you were gay, then he vowed never to do it again.

'What happened next?'

His mind asked, forcing him to relive the memories. Ryan knew exactly what happened next. He didn't need to remind himself, it's all he'd been thinking about lately. What happened next was about six months of pure torture. He knew kids could be cruel but surely this was a different level? Kids couldn't really think these things nowadays, could they? But as usual that was simply wishful thinking. School kids were like sharks. They stalked the corridors looking for their prey. But instead of flesh, their prey were kids with the wrong haircut or the wrong clothes. Ryan's hair and clothes were fine, he even managed to look cool sometimes, but there was of course that small little snag of him liking boys. Before, he'd been able to swim around quite easily, hidden from the sharks' view, who were far away and weren't bothered about him anyway. But Elliot had broken Ryan's leg, and Ryan was now splashing around trying not to drown, which had inadvertently alerted the sharks and they had started to take an interest.

He'd tried to fight, at first. Words weren't enough so he usually used his fists. Anytime anyone laughed at him or shouted something stupid at him or called him things he didn't want to be called, they'd most often end up with a black eye or split lip. And it worked for a while. Not wanting to risk a broken face most people left him alone, but when he went up against the toughest and meanest kids, most of whom had managed to rope in their older brothers from Secondary school, he walked away as, if not more damaged than they did, physically and mentally. He knew all about sticks and stones and words, but when you thought about it, insults could be hurled in just the same way as bullets, and though he was no expert, Ryan was pretty fucking sure that bullets hurt. So these kids not only had their fists but they also had the added weapon of numerous, fierce insults, rained down upon Ryan between punches.

Eventually he just got tired. He stopped hiding the bruises from the care workers, he stopped fighting the other kids and suspension, he stopped caring altogether. Something had happened to him. Something was wrong.

Ryan rolled over so that his head was buried into his pillow. It was quiet and dark. Four years ago he started feeling what he felt now, that emptiness, that hopelessness. Like nothing would ever change, and he'd be stuck in this eternal loop. And four years ago he didn't know what to do about it. It crept up on him without any warning and latched itself onto his chest, his throat and his brain, squeezing until the life drained out of him. And it was permanent as well. There were no good days or bad days like there were now. There was nothing to fight for. Just a dark tunnel that went on forever.

Ryan regularly wondered whether the bullying was solely to blame. It was certainly an important factor- it wasn't exactly easy waking up every morning knowing that hoards of kids were waiting for him at the gates, fists raised and tongues sharpened- or if it was just inevitable. Ryan had always been a rather sad and lonely child, who'd already suffered through a lot by the time most kids were learning to ride a bike. His mother had caused him to develop an overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-hatred which had eaten him alive. Ryan was screwed from the beginning.

And the realisation of all this hit him full force four years ago. And he was pissed. If he'd been written off by the universe before he'd even had a chance to live, what was the point of carrying on? What did he have in life? Who did he have? His mum hated him enough already. If she knew that he was... well, needless to say, even if Chloe's accident had never happened, it'd still be inevitable that he'd be kicked out and disowned. And he'd ruined Chloe's life so she hated him as well. He didn't deserve to live unharmed after what he did to Chloe. So what did he have to lose? All there was at the moment was school, and he didn't think he could bare spending the next seven years or so trapped in a place that wasn't made for people like him. He'd be lucky if he survived the next seven years. And after school? A job? No one lived for their job, and Ryan didn't know what he wanted to be anyway. The only reason he studied hard was so he could one day escape from this place. Marriage? Yeah, like he'd ever be able to marry a man. He knew school didn't accept him but did the world? If his interactions with the so-called "future generation" had anything to go by, probably not. What else was there? Kids? Same problem. Besides, he didn't think he'd be a very good father. He hadn't even been able to look after his little sister. What if the same thing happened to his own kid? He wouldn't be able to live with himself ever again.

'Face it,' he'd told himself. 'You have nothing to live for.' He'd tried to convince himself otherwise.

'Don't be stupid, of course I do. I thought we wanted to leave this place one day, go to university, get a flat, travel the world even.'

'Alone? No ones ever liked you, Ryan. And no one ever will. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere.'

'You're just being dramatic. Just cos I told Elliott. I know I shouldn't have but-'

'But you did. And you saw what the reaction was. That's what the world thinks of you, Ryan. Do you really want to live like that? Forever? It won't change when you get to Secondary cos they already know. And it'll follow you into uni, and then life. I don't want that. Do you?'

'I mean... I guess not.'

They found him in the bathroom on a Wednesday afternoon, when he should have been in school. He'd been sitting in the headmaster's office after a meeting had been set up by his social worker about suspected bullying. He didn't want to talk to the headmaster and tell him what was going on, and pretend that he didn't know who'd beat him up, or followed him home or sent him texts and messages and posts telling him to kill himself, but at the same time he couldn't help but hope that maybe the headmaster would help him. After all, didn't he have a duty to help every student no matter what? Ryan just wanted one person to tell him that he was normal, and that it was okay to feel what he was feeling. But of course, it never happened.

The headmaster wouldn't look Ryan in the eye as he asked whether or not he'd tried to keep out of their way. Ryan had monotonously replied 'yes', but inside every last string that was holding him up snapped, and he just wanted to leave, and go somewhere dark, and close his eyes, and sleep forever.

"Maybe you haven't tried hard enough." Ryan pondered the statement for a moment, realised it wasn't even worth responding, stood up, and without a word, left the room. As the door shut he was vaguely aware of his name being called. But Ryan didn't turn around. He tuned out his surroundings and walked right out of school without hesitation, his whole body feeling numb.

He didn't stop until he got back to the house. He didn't stop until he'd opened the door and walked upstairs without anyone noticing. He didn't stop until he'd shut himself in the bathroom. He didn't stop until the bottle of painkillers were in his hand.

Then it should have stopped forever.

But the last thing he heard was screaming, and soon after, a siren. And the darkness was interrupted by flashing blue lights. So now everything was moving faster than ever, hurtling Ryan into hospitals, therapy sessions, medications, new care home, new school, right into the present day, as fifteen year old Ryan walked back home from school with Charlie next to him, sharing an iPod between themselves. It was calm and quiet, and Ryan didn't feel nervous anymore. He was done with that. He'd already suffered through the worst years ago. And he didn't want it to have been in vain. That nothing would ever change and therefore wouldn't have even mattered if he had lived or died.

Ryan took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and turned towards Charlie.

"I need to tell you something."

Author's note:

OH MY GOD I TOOK SO FUCKING LONG TO PUBLISH THIS WHY DO I EVEN EXIST

For real though, I do have to cut down on my writing since I have my first three GCSEs coming up in the next few months so I'm studying for like ten hours a day. By the time I find time to write I'm exhausted. But I promise I'm not gonna stop, it's just that chapter's will have to be stretched out.

Anyway, I hope this chapter was okay. Halfway through I almost gave up on it completely cos I was convinced that it was shit, but I kept going and hopefully... hopefully it isn't shit. But the last couple of paragraphs are scaring me and i hope i didnt screw it up.

And now time for my favourite Starkid musical: REPLYING TO REVIEWS (lyrics by Jeff Blim)

Dark Heart 945:

Ah man, has the update worked yet? It doesn't matter if it hasn't I actually forgot I named the chapters song titles, which reminds me i have to think of a song title for this chapter. Damn it.

I'm glad I could convey Ryan's feelings during his depressive episodes, that's obviously important to me. And yeah, the story's fully underway now so that's fun.

Hm, yeah I was thinking about it, and my headcanon is that Mike and May Li are aware that he has mental health issues, but they believe they're mild, and they don't realise the actual extent. Like, Ryan's deteriorated and they're just not aware. Although this chapter might add some complications to that theory, so I'm simply going to stick to the "Ryan deleted the email" thing and not think too much about because fanfiction: ignores canon harder than ever.

Ugh, sorry. Autocorrect fail, as usual. I changed it to "miss" which is what it's supposed to say.

Anyway, thanks so much for the review! Appreciate it!

CharlieSMarts12:

Thank you so much for review, as always it was awesome! Yeah, I think it's important for mental health to be talked about openly so I wanted a chapter that explained it properly, or at least as best as I could explain it. Haha, yeah I love writing the interactions between Thomas and Ryan and Ryan's permanen mixed feelings about this boy. Like he's so desperate not to have a crush on him but poor bean can't help it. Honestly, I can't wait to see where I'm taking this story lol. Anyway, again thanks so much for the review!

Justice237:

Thank you so much for your review, I'm glad to hear I've been able to capture Ryan's relationship with Charlie, and the two sides of what it's like to live with mental health issues, both as the sufferer and as the people in their lives who have the job of supporting them. It's really hard to know what to do in that situation, and how to handle it. I've experienced both like you have as you say. Both with supporting a friend, and as the person who needs help sometimes with mental health problems. And, again, I'm glad that I've been able to portray that. Exactly! I agree with everything you say, mental disorders are really hard to treat because everyone experiences them differently, and not only that they're 'invisible' to the outside world, unless talked about. And there are many reasons that people don't talk about them. Which is also why it's so important to get them out in the open if we have any chance of being able to help and support people properly.

Ah, thank you. I've never been much of a fan of the immediate love at first sight, cos usually that doesn't happen. Relationships have to build over time until you get to that point, and in keeping with Ryan's character, it's more likely that he'd start out hating Thomas than loving him.

Yeah, I've read many descriptions of people describing the days of depression and it's really hard to hear that people consider bad days to be, well good day, because their depression can just get so bad. It's even hard to write about because I know there are people who feel like this, and some are having an even worse time than Ryan. But, again, it's very important to talk about openly.

Hm, yeah I know how tough music can be, so much so that I'm not even planning on pursuing it onto A Level, so honestly I'm impressed that you managed to get through a year of it. I'm already struggling with the GCSE, but luckily I have some good resources so it'd be a shame not to get at least one exam. And thank you! I'll try my best lol.

Linneagb:

Okay, so I loved getting all your reviews, thank you so much. And that Swedish saying is awesome, I'm definitely gonna have to use that from now on. I'm happy to hear you liked all the details. I'm very focused on details when I write, even down to certain hand movements and stuff that characters do, cos I want to make my writing as vivid as possible. And I'm a little bit of a perfectionist lol.

Yes, poor Ryan really needs someone to stand by him, luckily he has Charlie of course, but in the show I hate how he's so alone, like they refuse to give him a consistent friend. If he does make friends usually it only lasts for a few episodes. I was hoping that after the episode at the stables that perhaps his and Charlie's friendship could be developed, but nOpe. Cos Ryan has to be the loner I guess *sigh*. So that's what my fanfiction's for. Doing the things that the show should have done but didn't.

Ah, thanks. It is stressful trying to update fast, and I've taken aaaaaaages to publish this chapter, but with exams and stuff I simply can't update consistently. I just have to hope that my lovely readers don't get bored and leave. But I'm sure they won't. Because they're lovely. And thank you, I love writing Ryan's character, so I'm glad it's accurate.

Ahhh, thank you so much! I was so worried about that chapter (not as worried as this chapter though) but I've gotten some good feedback so I'm feeling good about it. Yeah, Depression really does suck and it's horrible that people have to go through it. So I'm hoping to shed some light on it. Thank you for reviewing and taking the time to read it. I really appreciate it!

Okay, can't wait for Chapter 7. See you in ten months. (I'm kidding... sort of).

...

Robert Manion is a gift to humanity,