"What?! What don't you get? There are like, 1500 other kids at school, why the fuck are you so focused on me?!"

"Because I like you! Okay?"

The words hung in the air as the silence that followed crashed down around them. Ryan couldn't, didn't, believe what Thomas had just said. It was too far-fetched, too ridiculous, too...

Good.

Too good to be true.

And Ryan didn't know how to handle it. If anything, he wanted –needed– to put a stop to... whatever it was that was happening. Before it went too far. Before something went wrong.

He cleared his throat.

"You mean you... like me as a friend?" He knew that's not what Thomas had meant. Of course he knew. It had been too intense, too final, as if Thomas had tried so hard to keep himself from admitting it. Ryan understood perfectly, which is exactly why he didn't believe it. Because he was under the egoistic impression that no one could possibly be in the same situation as him. Or at least, no one in the same town and school who also happened to be his crush. Again it just seemed... too coincidental.

Thomas was staring at him as if he couldn't quite believe the lifeline that Ryan was willingly handing out. An escape route from this humiliating situation. Ryan knew he'd regret his decision. For weeks he'd been daydreaming about this, and now it was actually happening he was throwing it all away. But he also knew that he'd only get hurt in the long run. They both would. He was just protecting them, that's all.

"Uh... yeah," replied Thomas, still trying to figure out what was happening. "Yeah, just as a friend... I'm- I'm sorry for shouting. I was just... a bit wound up."

"Don't worry, I have that effect on people," Ryan joked feebly, prompting an equally feeble laugh.

"I should probably go," continued Thomas. "I'm supposed to meet Emma at the gates."

"Right." That was a thought. Time was getting on and Charlie could walk past at any moment, and what explanation could he give for why he and Thomas were standing in the middle of the pavement looking as if a crime had just been committed. Ryan tried not to smile. She'd probably carry on walking; gone were the days where she bothered to question the weird situations that Ryan seemed to attract. But even so, she might still interrogate him on what he'd been talking about with Thomas, convinced as she was that the two of them would be announcing their engagement any day soon. Thomas re-adjusted his school bag.

"I'll see you then," he said, turning away and walking back in the opposite direction, not waiting for any response.

"Bye," Ryan said quietly to himself. His mind was racing. He wished he'd had the courage to ask more questions. Did Thomas still like Emma? Did he ever like her? Was he gay? Was he bisexual? Ryan was surprised that Thomas being attracted to both girls and boys had never crossed his mind. But then again, why would it? Who assumes a person is bi when they ask out the opposite sex, when them being Just Straight seems a much more likely explanation? Nevertheless, this would certainly be something to tell Charlie... wait, no. He couldn't tell Charlie. He couldn't tell anyone. What kind of hypocrite would he be if he outed someone without their permission? That would be a line that not even Ryan would cross, no matter what. But he'd never been on the receiving end of a coming out before, although he was sure he wasn't the first person Thomas had told. Despite everything, Thomas still looked far more relaxed than Ryan had been with Charlie, and he hadn't been searching Ryan's face for a reaction about his sexuality, which was actually a bit of a disappointment. No matter how many times you've come out before, if the person you're coming out to holds any kind of importance to you then it'll always be as nerve-wracking as the first time. Meaning that Thomas clearly didn't care about Ryan's reaction. Meaning that Ryan simply wasn't important enough to him. Ryan was just a crush. Probably an accidental crush that Thomas had no explanation for and wanted to quickly move on from, hence why he'd ended up saying- or rather shouting it out loud. To get it all out in the open.

Unless...

Ryan suddenly had the awful idea that it was all a joke. A prank that the whole school was in on. Had they noticed? Did they know that he was...? Did they know about his crush on Thomas? And this whole thing had just been a ploy to get him to admit to it? He wouldn't put it past some of the bastards that went to his school, but surely... surely their plan had backfired. Ryan hadn't admitted to anything, he'd been careful. It was Thomas that had put himself in the firing line. But that didn't mean they didn't suspect. And supecting causes rumours. And when it came to school, rumours were as good as the truth. Once the rumours started, Ryan was screwed.

He obsessed over this idea all through Saturday, almost driving himself insane, and causing Charlie to pick up on his weird, quiet mood and point it out to him.

"How come you're so jumpy all of a sudden? You keep looking like you're waiting for something to happen." Ryan shrugged.

"Bad anxiety day," he said, which was somewhat true. His anxiety was bad, though for once there was actually a good reason for it. But really he was observing the others, seeing if their disposition around him had changed, from general annoyance to silently laughing at him. Seeing if they stopped talking when he entered a room. But they seemed the same, and they weren't exactly known for their acting skills, especially the younger ones. But perhaps they weren't in on it. He was sure Charlie wasn't in on it, because she'd definitely tell him. People at school must have known they were friends, maybe Thomas had told them, and they hadn't said anything to her in case she ruined it. Unless she had actually never been friends with him, and their whole relationship was a lie leading right up to this moment, and no one was laughing harder than she was...

When he had this thought, Ryan knew once and for all he was being ridiculous. As usual he had overthought the simplest of scenarios until he had turned himself into a shaking, paranoid wreck, and by Sunday he had calmed down considerably. He realised how irrational he was being. It was evident that no one knew because he hadn't yet received a single threat or message from anyone. Of course, it crossed his mind that they were all waiting for Monday to give him hell, but with 1500 kids (give or take a couple hundred), most of them with the same level of immaturity and patience as the year 7s, he knew that they couldn't possibly be coordinated enough to hold out for long. Someone would have broken ranks by now and sent him some immature shit via Facebook. So instead his thoughts settled to berating him about how self-centered he must have been to think that the entire school would go to all that trouble when they could have just beat him up. But more than that he now couldn't help but focus on the fact that holy shit Thomas actually liked him back?! And for once in a very long time, Ryan actually felt... happy? A bit confused, but happy nonetheless. Until he remembered that he absolutely couldn't do anything about it, because unless he and Thomas became the first new couple ever to hardly talk to each other, let alone be intimate in any kind of way, people would find out within weeks.

But by Monday morning, Ryan had begun to feel restless. A boy he liked liked him back, and he couldn't just sit there and do nothing about it. Yes, he'd no doubt find himself hurt in the future. That was, in his mind, inevitable. But he was hurting right now, and if he could stop it for even a second then he should at least try.

By lunchtime a kind of quiet yet determined confidence had taken control of him, not unlike how he'd felt midway through coming out to Charlie. And it caused him to do something that he never thought he'd end up doing; something he hadn't even bothered to contemplate once he'd finally returned home after his and Thomas' conversation: he went looking for him, found him on the bench outside, reading, and wordlessly led him to a secluded part near the back of the school, where their only surroundings were a rusty fence, the school's brick wall and the distant woodland. Thomas looked bewildered.

"What the hell are you-"

"I like you too." Ryan heard the words leave his mouth and amazingly, he didn't want to immediately shove them back inside and emigrate to Europe. In fact, he wanted to keep going and he couldn't work out why (although it must be said that Thomas' attractiveness, now even more prominent up close, was not irrelevant in his decision).

"You... what?"

"I like you too. I have done for a while. That's why I was such a dick, I mean, more than usual, because I was trying to stop myself." Okay, now he was saying a bit too much. He told himself to reign it in a bit. Thomas had knitted his eyebrows together and was rubbing his hand across his forehead."

"Is this... some kind of joke? Are you making fun of me?" He accused, not realising that he was echoing Ryan's own thoughts.

"No! No I promise, this is real." But Thomas still looked like he didn't believe a word Ryan was saying.

"But I thought... I thought you were..."

"Straight? Yeah well, obviously I'm not. I just... wasn't quite ready to say so."

"But you're ready now?"

"Looks like it." Thomas shook his head. He seemed angry.

"I don't believe you," he said, taking Ryan by surprise.

"You what?"

"I don't. Believe you."

"Why would I be lying about this?"

"This isn't the first time you've said something that turned out to be deliberately untrue." Ryan was beginning the slow descent into panic. Even he couldn't have imagined how terribly this was going to go. He opened his mouth to respond but realised he didn't know what to say. And anyway, at that moment Thomas' phone started ringing, and Thomas certainly didn't hesitate to answer it.

"Hey," he said. "Oh shit yeah, sorry. Yeah I'm on my way. I'll be like two minutes. Love you too." He looked towards Ryan when he said that, nearly causing Ryan to stop breathing. Obviously it was just an indication of who was on the phone ("Emma." Thomas clarified), or perhaps some kind of act of defiance, making it clear to Ryan that Thomas had already moved on, but Ryan still couldn't help but imagine those words being directed at him. It made his heart jump slightly. Thomas turned to leave but Ryan wasn't finished yet.

"You don't even like her," he said.

"I can still hang out with her." Thomas replied defensively. Ryan noted with interest that Thomas hadn't actually denied Ryan's previous statement.

"But it's a bit mean, isn't it? Telling her you love her when you don't."

"You're talking to me about morality? You?"

"Shows you how bad it is." Thomas breathed in deeply and put his hands on his hips, head down.

"I do like her. Or at least I did until... well anyway, I do like her. She's my girlfriend." Ryan was dying to enquire about what the 'until' meant, but he decided it wasn't worth it. He wouldn't get a proper answer.

"But I like you. And you like me! Doesn't that mean anything?"

"I said I liked you as a friend."

"I said that! But we both know that's not what you meant." Ryan searched the boy's face for any sign of relention, but there didn't seem to be any, although Thomas didn't look angry anymore. Just sad.

"How can I prove that I'm not lying to you?" Asked Ryan, now on the verge of desperation. He'd revealed so much, even more that he'd planned to. But nothing was working, and now he felt scared and vulnerable. Thomas shrugged.

"I don't know. I guess that's up to you to decide... my girlfriend's waiting. I have to go." And with that, he walked away, back to the front of the school. And Ryan didn't try to stop him. He just stood there, dejectedly, waiting for the bell to ring.

"Hypothetically. Only hypothetically. How would you show someone you liked them?" Asked Ryan. It had been a day since his disastrous attempt at telling Thomas how he felt, and despite trying to convince himself that it was now time to drop it permanently and move on ("You took it as far as it could go. It's over, alright?") he couldn't quite take his mind off it, so much so that he had started to reveal his musings out loud to Charlie, who of course had no idea about the events of yesterday, but was still willing to provide some kind of input. They were sitting on her bed when he asked, and at first she looked suspicious; when one says hypothetically before asking a question, more often than not they're absolutely asking for themselves... unless perhaps they were a Greek philosopher. Which Ryan was not.

"That depends," answered Charlie. "Who are we talking about?"

"No one in particular," affirmed Ryan, not falling into her trap.

"So not a... new crush?" She put emphasis on the "new", clearly trying to prompt some sort of a comment on Thomas. Ryan stared at her.

"No," he confirmed. She gave up.

"Alright fine uh... I would... I dunno, show them how well I know them by taking them somewhere I know they'd like."

"How does that show you like them?"

"Well duh, cos it shows you've listened to what they talk about. And no one listens to people they don't like, or aren't bothered with."

"So where would you take me?"

"Dunno, I don't listen to you." Ryan threw a pillow at her but already he was considering Charlie's advice, and a vague idea was formulating in his mind. But what did Thomas like? Except torturing Ryan's emotions on a daily basis. They hadn't had many conversations that had involved opening up about their personal interests. Thomas knew that Ryan liked skateboarding, but what did Ryan know about Thomas? Nothing really. He wanted to know. He wanted to know everything. He thought back to the time he, Charlie and Thomas had walked home together, and Charlie had asked all those questions. Ryan surprised himself by realising that he remembered all of Thomas's answers. And what were the majority of those answers? Ryan smiled. Books. Thomas liked books.

Ryan made a point not to make a big deal out of this. He wasn't going to whisk Thomas off on a romantic weekend to Rome and declare his love while reading old Latin scriptures. For starters, Mike wouldn't let him. And secondly, that wasn't Ryan's style. In fact he was surprised that he was making any effort at all. Usually he just said fuck it, gave up and moved on. But since he had found that moving on from Thomas was simply not an option, he decided he needed to do more than shout an obscenity and walk away. So on Saturday he made the short trip down to the local library and spent the afternoon finding the books he knew Thomas liked. There were about five of them, mainly found in the YA section, but there was a Nick Hornby book in the adult section which Ryan took as a sign of his and Thomas' compatibility, since he was familiar with Hornby's writing.

He put all the books in his school bag and walked back home, ready for Monday and hoping that this time would be a success, because the alternative would probably screw up his and Thomas' relationship (if he could even call it that anymore) so badly as to render it it permanently destroyed, which Ryan thought was only a slight exaggeration. Needless to say, if this attempt did fail, he certainly wouldn't be trying again.

But at the same time, what if it did succeed? Ryan was sure he hadn't thought this through properly, because if Thomas believed him and the two accepted their mutual feelings towards one another, was that it? Were they dating now? Were they boyfriends? Even though Ryan had sworn not to obtain a relationship until at least university? Dating rumours spread like wildfire around Secondary school. Thomas and Ryan would be outed in days. By doing this he was putting them both in danger.

But Thomas had done it first, he had admitted it first, which wasn't something Ryan could just ignore. Something that he didn't want to ignore. And besides, who said they needed to be boyfriends? Who said they even needed to date? If anything they could simply be... friends with benefits! Although that phrase was never met with great connotations, and he was sure Charlie wouldn't approve. And come to think of it, he didn't think Thomas would either.

He thought about it all Sunday night, and concluded that he was doing this to prove that he wasn't lying and to hopefully be on speaking terms with Thomas again (ever since the events of the previous Monday, both boys had done everything in their power to avoid each other, but on the rare moments they did come face to face, Thomas had made a point not to give Ryan the time of day). So really, they didn't even have to act upon these feelings. Once it was all out in the open, they could just decide to remain friends. Ryan would of course be disappointed but... you do what you have to do to survive.

It took nearly all of lunchtime for Ryan to find him. Thomas wasn't outside, or in the classroom, or in the music room like last time. In fact, he was in the library, a fitting setting, and also very obvious. Ryan was surprised it had taken him so long to find, but in his defence, there were two libraries: the main communal one filled with fiction and non-Fiction alike, and the quiet, secluded one for the GCSE students to study quietly. The books here were thick, old and in Ryan's opinion, boring. It was the exact place Thomas would be hiding out in.

Ryan peeked round behind one of the shelves, building up the courage to go over to where Thomas was sitting. He opened up his school bag but didn't take the books out yet. He tried to see what Thomas was reading, merely out of interest, but also to delay their meeting a little further (perhaps not a good idea when under a time limit, but better than going over there and not being able to speak a word). Ryan took a deep breath, collected his thoughts, and walked towards the desk.

"This seat taken?" Was his opening line. Thomas looked up, lowered his eyebrows and nearly stood up- "No, wait. Please," said Ryan. He couldn't let Thomas leave. Thomas sighed and settled himself back into his seat. He didn't say anything. Just stared until Ryan explained himself. Which Ryan attempted to do by lifting the pile of books out of his rucksack and placing them on the table.

"What's this?" Asked Thomas, examining the books.

"It's a gesture," replied Ryan. And then when Thomas didn't respond: "It's all your favourite books. The ones you mentioned that first day." Thomas ran his finger over the spines, checking each title. His expression softened ever so slightly as he went down the small pile, but he mainly looked confused.

"So... what are you trying to say?" He questioned.

"I'm trying to say that... well, I listened. To what you were saying. You know how, if you... like... someone, you listen to what they say, because- because you think they're interesting... I mean, well... it was Charlie's idea. Not the books, though! The books were my idea and- and Charlie doesn't know either. I promise I didn't tell. I haven't told anyone. Just..." he trailed off. He thought it best to stop before he ceased making any sense at all. He hoped that Thomas had grasped the general point he was trying to make. The boy in question was still studying the books, and he didn't say anything for a full eight seconds (Ryan counted). He had stopped looking confused, though his expression was now unreadable. Ryan was sure Thomas would get up and walk away at any moment. But instead, Thomas cleared his throat, and finally made eye contact.

"You really went to a lot of trouble, huh?" He observed. He sounded okay, not angry like last time. Like he was finally starting to realise that what Ryan was saying was actually legit. But Ryan didn't want to get his hopes up yet.

"I know it's kinda pretentious," he said. "Something that's more suited to a film, maybe. But I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want you to think I'd screw you around like that. I mean, everyone thinks I'm probably capable of it but... I wouldn't go that far. And I'm sorry for giving you the wrong directions on your first day. And for telling you that Charlie had a boyfriend. I don't think I've apologised for them yet." His voice was quiet, shy. Again, very unlike him. And here was another first. He couldn't remember the last time he'd apologised to someone, except maybe if he got unnecessarily snappy with Charlie. But certainly not to someone he barely knew. What was it about this guy that made him act like this? Thomas was smiling, though only a little. So for all Ryan knew it could have been a smile of pity.

"I guess you're forgiven," Thomas said, much to Ryan's relief. That was one of the reasons he didn't like apologising. Because if he wasn't forgiven by the person that he'd hurt, then he'd have to face up to the fact that he'd really messed up, and that would raise some unsavoury questions about his character.

"And," continued Thomas, "I guess I believe you." Ryan sat straight up in his seat.

"Really?" He questioned. Thomas nodded.

"Yeah sure. Seems a bit pointless not to. And, the book thing was nice. I liked it."

"Well, thank you." The atmosphere was lighter now, and their conversation seemed to be swerving back to how it was in the skatepark (before Ryan accused Thomas of being some kind of player). But Ryan knew he needed to get serious now. This was all well and good, but he needed to make something clear about where they stood.

"So, listen," he began, a little awkwardly with his hand on the back of his neck. "I only proved to you that I wasn't lying so that we'd be on speaking terms again. I mean, I do like you still of course, " he quickly clarified, "but I think we can only be friends."

"Why?"

"Because... well, because..." wasn't it obvious? Did Ryan really have to spell it out? "Because were both guys. We can't be together, we'd get beat up."

"Yeah I know. I'm not stupid. We don't have to be together in school, but outside of school-"

"No, people would still find out. They always do. Besides, I'm not even fully out yet. Charlie's the only one who knows. Not even my sister knows. It just wouldn't work. Not at the moment anyway."

"So when?" Ryan was getting slightly fed up at Thomas' apparent naivety

"What do you mean when? Probably in about four years when school's over. And even then, I just... I don't know." The atmosphere had dropped immediately and as usual it was Ryan's fault. He felt a little bad about it, but he knew he was justified this time. Thomas leaned back in his seat.

"Fine," he said eventually. "I understand. I can't force you or anything, it wouldn't be fair." Ryan was hating every second of this. He would have liked nothing more than to slam his fist on the table and shout 'fuck it, I'll go out with you! Who cares?!" But he had to stay strong. Repress any of the emotions he was experiencing and lock them away. He was good at that. He did it all the time. And at least he and Thomas were friends now. That was enough, for the time being.

"I'm really sorry," repeated Ryan (he was getting good at this apologising business). "But, hey. I'd make a pretty shitty boyfriend anyway. Believe me, I'm way too much trouble." He didn't know the half of it, Ryan thought darkly. "And at least you don't have to break up with Emma." Thomas looked distracted, but he agreed anyway, even if his affirmation was a little vague.

"So uh..." Ryan didn't really know what else to say. "I might read some of these books. See what they're about. I already know that one." He pointed at the Nick Hornby book. Thomas laughed softly.

"Yeah, it suits you," he said.

"I'll take that as a compliment." Ryan picked up the books, put them back into his rucksack, zipped up the bag and stood up.

"I'll see you around then. We could still hang out sometime. Maybe down at the skatepark. I could teach you some more moves." He grinned, but it was kind of empty. He shouldn't have been saying this. The less time spent with Thomas the easier it would be to move on. Thomas was alright, he was already in a relationship. Ryan didn't have that option. But he didn't really want to give up hanging out with Thomas. It would have made this whole conversation pointless.

"Yeah... I'd like that." The bell rung. They both jumped.

"You'd better go," advised Thomas. "I'll catch up, I just gotta check this book out."

"Sure." Ryan was relieved that they wouldn't be walking back to class together, which would have been nothing but awkward. He picked his bag up and slung it round his shoulders.

"Bye then."

AN:

Aight so before you attack me, they're gonna get together soon. Maybe next chapter maybe chapter after, haven't decided yet (I think we've all worked out by now that my writing is chaotic af and even I have no idea where it's going). Also, yeah it's kind of a random chapter. The book thing wasn't planned, in fact the chapter was originally gonna be much shorter. But then I was kinda just like "hey... what if Ryan did a low-key sweet thing... woah plot twist..." so anyway, yeah. Hope it's not shitty. Also Nick Hornby, call me up. I'll sponsor your books for you, matey.

Also, Sorry if Ryan's a little out of character in this chapter (DarkHeart pointed it out to me). I tried to keep him in character as much as possible, but it was really hard in this one. However, he's gonna be back to normal in the next chapters. Sorry this one is so different, and hopefully it won't affect you're opinion of the fic.

Okay, time for replying to the comments (not gonna make a spoof this time, can't be bothered).

Justice237- ayy don't worry about taking so long to reply I mean, come on I take like three years to publish, so I'm the one who has to apologise.

Thank you for saying that about the coming out scene, so far I've had positive reactions to it, which I'm very glad about. Not exactly used to real comings out (I came out to my mum but it was pretty unconventional cos she didn't believe me so long story short I've come out to her about five times now... I think she's finally getting the message. And all my friends (all two of them) just kinda knew. Anyway, again very glad I executed it well, and Charlie's reactions were so fun to write. I've literally managed to make myself fall in love with a character that wasn't even my favourite character in the first place. I have power.

Lmao yeah, Ryan is the type of person to try so hard not to think about something (or someone) and obviously just fail miserably cos he never learns that trying not to think about them MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT THEM.

Yeah, it's quite hard to write his personality like that. Before this I wrote Scorbus fanfiction so I'm much more used to writing very affectionate characters, so it's hard sometimes not to just write "and then Ryan hugged him and said he loved him" cos obviously Ryan would never do something like that (not for a while anyway) cos it takes him so long to build up any kind of trust that makes him able to be affectionate or intimate with anyone. But I loved writing that little scene in the skatepark.

Yeah, I wanted it to be Thomas who admits his feelings first because I don't think wild horses would have been able to make Ryan admit it first, no matter how close he came to it. Again, another one of his traits. Even at the last minute he'd manage to just suppress his feelings and say nothing, so it had to be Thomas, otherwise their relationship would never move forward. And after the whole flashback chapter it would seem too out of place if he just went and admitted his feelings so willingly.

Don't worry, I didn't want Ryan to lash out anymore, not only was it starting to become old news but it was also getting too hard to write because there's only so much Ryan can say while freaking out. Hopefully in this chapter I didn't disappoint?

Loved the review, thank you so much! As usual, your support means everything, especially in such a small fandom like this :)

CharlieSMarts12- yes, call the police I actually updated. I'm just as surprised as you (jk, I'm gonna try my best not to let this become discontinued. However if I die suddenly then we may have a problem. One of you will have to continue it).

Yes I loved the coming out scene myself, mainly because it was refreshing to write a character that was accepting of Ryan and it made me happy imagining Charlie's reaction (it's weird I know). I just wish Ryan had had an ally like that on the show, not just with the sexuality thing (which obviously wasn't mentioned) but just with everything. The others really gave him so much shit. Bloody hypocrites. They pretend they're all forgiving and stuff but NOT WHEN IT COMES TO RYAN. They're holding grudges for things he did years ago. And Mike is no damn better...

I'm going of on a rant, I'm very sorry.

Yesss, im glad you liked the skatepark scene. And yeah I had to add in hints that Thomas wasn't straight otherwise the ending wouldn't have landed as well. I'm glad you picked up on them.

It was a sigh of relief for me too, honestly I was getting sick of them not telling each other how they feel. Sorry about the ending of this chapter but I promise they're gonna get together soon!

Thank you so much for the review, as usual, always appreciate it!

DarkHeart945- Thank you! Yeah it made sense that Thomas would say it rather than Ryan. Not really Ryan's style to admit something like that first. And don't worry imma try and add in some Ryan angst when I get a chance. He's becoming too soft, I need to bring him back a little. Next chapter maybe, cos it's going to talk a little more about his depression and stuff