Chapter 53- Silver Bellcreek

Cordia wakes me, so I suppose I must have slept. The blue and silver dress is wrinkled and keeps catching on my feet as I try to sit up. My prep team rushes in to do my makeup and Kensa brings out a simple blue dress for me to wear.

"Your district may be known for its diamonds, but today I'm going to make you look like a sapphire!" she says. I smile, because that's what I'm supposed to do.

Kensa and Cordia lead me down the hall to where the living room is; the chair I sat in last night to watch the Games has been put in, surrounded by flowers. No audience today, just some simple cameras.

Octavio's here and he pumps my hand up and down in greeting again. I wince.

"How are you doing, Silver?" he says, his voice full of mock concern.

"I'm fine. Just fine."

I'm settled into the chair, my prep team gives me one last puff of makeup, then the camera people are counting down and I'm broadcast to all of Panem.

I try to smile.

"So, Silver, how does it feel to be back?" Octavio asks.

"It's good. I'm glad to be back."

"Did the Games live up to what you were hoping they would be? You were so excited in our first interview. I remember you saying that you were going to win, and look at you now!"

"They were more than I thought they would be. And I did, I did win. For my family," I say. Hollow, hollow, hollow.

"What was your favorite moment out of the whole Games?" Octavio asks, smiling a bit too wide.

I'm quiet for a moment. Then I say, "Braiding Violet's hair that last day. Being with Violet. That was my favorite part." I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I fight them down.

"Ah, of course. It's so regretful that we won't be seeing Violet on these cameras again, but she gave it a good run. And she had a most spectacular ending, you have to say."

I look at Octavio, my mouth dropped open. Spectacular? All I can hear are her desperate screams, her screaming my name before she was killed. That wasn't spectacular. It was beyond brutal.

Then Octavio's off and running with a new topic and I fight down the tears again.

"You really had a time in that arena, didn't you? First you were with the head tributes, then you went off on your own and had adventures there, and then you got hit by those lightning bugs! You'll be cherishing those memories forever!"

I'm quiet. Then I say, "I suppose."

Octavio rambles on and on about meaningless things, or cheerfully recounting the most horrific moments from the Games. It's all I can do to stop myself from running out of the room, back to my bed, where I want to stay for the rest of my life. Maybe the other tributes were actually the lucky ones; they don't have to deal with the horror and the guilt and the nightmares, they're just dead. And I wonder whether that would have been better.

"Finally, Silver, what are you going to do when you get home?" Octavio asks.

"I'm going to be with my family."

"I can't wait for you to see them again. Panem, this is Silver Bellcreek, victor of the first ever annual Hunger Games!"

While everyone else is cheering and congratulating each other, it hits me. Annual.

There's going to be more Games.

I burst into tears and hurry back to my room, slamming the door behind me. Throwing myself on the bed I start to sob harder.

More Games. More kids. More dead tributes. Forever.

I can't handle this. I can't handle anything right now. I jump off the bed and start beating my hands against the window glass, begging to be let out. But the glass doesn't break and I sink down to the ground, shaking all over.

This isn't over. This will never be over. Why did I volunteer for this? Why did I do this to myself? Flaire comes to mind, and I'm glad I spared her from this horror. Pressing my forehead against the window I cry for myself, for my family, for the dead tributes that will never go home.

I was so excited for this. Why was I? I truly believed that the Capitol had the right to host the Games, and I was excited to show what I was worth. And I remember Flaire's sister, Silk, telling us that there was no glory in this, only a fight to the death. How right she was.

When Cordia finds me later I'm still curled up by the window, my blue dress stained with tears.

"Come to supper, Silver!"

I shake my head.

"Leave me alone. Just leave me alone."

Cordia shrugs and does just that, closing the door behind her.

I watch the night fall over the Capitol and the lights of the city go on. Even at night the Capitol people are dancing and partying on the streets.

I fall asleep there on the floor by the window. Wanting desperately to be anywhere else.