~This update comes from a different perspective. Please read carefully if you choose to bleed with me.

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway

Chapter 7

Bella

Bella wanted to call them back. She didn't want them to fight. Sam was so angry and he was afraid. Bella made him afraid on purpose, so what did she expect? Jacob was worse. She'd never seen him like this. She just wanted it to stop, all of it: the feelings, the memories, the pain and disgust were all that was left. Billy rolled in front of her when she walked toward the gaping hole in the Black's house.

"Don't, child. Your feet are bare. Rach, grab the broom before someone gets hurt."

"Broken glass should be the least of our worries, Dad. Your son started something that's liable to get him killed or seriously injured." Bella had seen pictures of Rachel, but she barely remembered her from childhood. She was an exotic beauty with long tanned legs, the perfect figure and jet black silky hair. Her dark eyes were no longer shedding tears. Anger replaced her worry, but there was some pity there. She went for the broom, but her eyes stayed glued to Bella the entire time.

"I didn't mean for it to happen like that." Bella heard howls in the distance. What was happening to Jacob, the pack or with the Cullens? For all she knew, Edward could be there in seconds ready to carry her off and start all the torture again. She closed her eyes and remembered how he looked when he was out of control. No one here had seen it before because he was so good at hiding who he was. She was once a fool, but now she was something else entirely. There wasn't a word for it, just an empty defeated feeling and a shell of her former self. Bella asked Jacob and Sam to kill her, but maybe she was already dead.

"What did you think would happen? I mean, you asked Sam to murder you in front of Jake. Maybe it's true and you're turning. You seem pretty fucking heartless to me."

"Rachel, enough. Bella's been through so much. We have no idea what's happened, but I'm sure it's horrible and none of this is her fault."

"Are you kidding me? It is all her fault. Look, I'm sorry if it's true and he... well, I mean no woman should endure that, but you left my brother, your family, all of this to be one of them. Karma truly is a bitch, isn't it?"

"No, Rachel. Karma is just. I see that now. You're absolutely right. I brought this outcome of my own freewill. If anyone out there is in danger or hurt right now, add it to my long lists of sins. I won't say sorry. It's not good enough, but Billy, please don't bring Dad into this. At least we can spare him. He knows I'm sick, so when I'm gone it won't be as much of a shock as the actual truth."

"Bella, honey. You're hurt and you're scared, but you won't be gone. My son wouldn't bring you to the reservation if you're dangerous. I know without a doubt. Let us help you. You could go lie down in Jacob's room. I'm sure it's a disaster, but throw everything on the floor and climb into bed. You look exhausted."

"I've been sleeping almost a month."

"Rachel could make you a plate of food. Are you eating at all? You're so thin."

Bella wanted to refuse since she'd made so much trouble and Billy was crazy worried about Jacob. Poor Rachel didn't ask for this mess either. She wasn't nice to Bella and she could practical feel her hate through the air, but she was trying to clean up the disintegrated door. Her stomach churned and rumbled loudly at the mention of eating. Bella had barely swallowed a few drops of broth before, but at the moment she felt like she could clean out the fridge and still be hungry.

"No, Rachel doesn't need to wait on me. I'll make a little something if you don't mind. I'm feeling a bit woozy at the mention of food."

"Should you be walking around?"

"Jacob gave me his blood. I feel my strength returning each second."

Billy was surprised. "His blood?"

Rachel snapped, "Why didn't either of you tell Sam?"

"I didn't think. I guess Jacob didn't either. It wouldn't have made a difference. Sam is concerned and he's right. What am I even? Jacob thinks he knows, but he doesn't. He wants the old Bells back. She's gone. It's too late."

"Dad, is she? I mean, did Jake make her a wolf or something because strength and healing is a sign? Paul's told me the stories."

"No, no. That's not possible. It's a select gene, but perhaps the properties linger in his blood. Hard to say how much or how long those properties will influence Bella, but I'm beginning to believe my son just saved your life."

Rachel mumbled, "again."

Bella didn't answer. Of course, Jacob saved her again and again even when she didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair to him because she certainly didn't want it. Not now, not after. She had no idea what to hope for with that wolf battle going on somewhere in the forest. Never in a million years would she wish something bad to happen to her longtime best friend, but she also needed Sam to win in a way. She meant what she said to him and he was convinced. There was no other way. It had to end. It would end with her ultimate punishment which was also a blessing. Kill me Sam, please... anyone, let me die. Bella wanted to die. Dead people don't feel. That was her hope. She didn't know if that was certain or not, but anything was better than the present where her soul stayed in constant torment.

It was completely insensitive to eat at time like this, but Bella's stomach burned and growled. Jacob would win. She knew it in her heart. He'd want her to eat if she was hungry and she was fucking starving. Bella took a few steps into the kitchen. Billy and Rachel took turns watching her and the wide-open doorframe. Their anxiety was visible. She wasn't sure how she felt such things now, but she did. Bella intended to grab a snack, a piece of lunchmeat or a slice of cheese. That would tide her over until Jacob and Sam got back. Of course, they'd come back together. Jacob told her the pack was a brotherhood and there was no way they'd actually hurt each other critically. They were fighting over her, but it was not the first time. Hopefully, it was the last time. She'd make Jacob understand. He had to see it. Bella was an aberration. Edward tried so many times to change her. Once she recalled him asking, "What are you?" Her eyes and mind shut down as soon as he said so. It was during one of those horrid moments she couldn't forget.

Sue Clearwater arrived. They all hoped it was one of the pack since it had been well over an hour, but it was only Sue. Bella released the breath she'd been holding. She was at the table with Billy, and Rachel was busying herself trying to close that gaping hole in the house with a heavy piece of cloth.

"Sue. Have you heard anything?"

"No, I'm afraid not. Why, what's going on? Where is everyone? Seth told me I needed to come, but I got a call from Charlie. It was so late, I thought it must be important. He wanted me to brainstorm what possible diseases Bella could have. It was awful to hear how troubled he is, and he sounded drunk. I knew she was here and sick, but Seth said it's a heavily guarded secret. I hope he didn't notice my deceit. Maybe you should tell him Billy."

"No, I told him no. Please no, Sue."

Sue nodded. She studied Bella at that moment and there it was again, pity. Everyone either hated or pitied her now. "Bella, I'm glad Jacob was able to get you here. This is almost a relief. You don't look as sick as I was expecting, but so thin. We have to get you started on a proper diet for complete healing. How are you feeling right now?"

Rachel answered for her. "Well, she feels good enough to empty the entire fridge. I only shopped three days ago. And I thought Paul and Jake could eat. She fucking ate the butter. Paul and Sam think she's almost a vampire. I think she's a wolf."

Bella's head hung in shame. She knew she was neither, but she couldn't stop herself. She was so damn hungry and everything looked so good to her. It was embarrassing to eat like that in front of them. "I'll pay you back Billy. I'm truly sorry."

"No, no, it's fine. You needed to eat. No telling how long they went without feeding you."

Sue asked if she could examine Bella. Billy said they could go to Jake's room. She really didn't want to be poked or prodded ever again, but it was the middle of night. Sue was her father's friend, and she totally just covered for her. Bella owed her something for coming over.

They walked into Jacob's room and shut the door. Billy understated the mess. It was an absolute wreck. Bella wondered if he'd totally trashed the place the night she left him after the newborn battle and never fixed things. She pushed clothes and books to the end of the bed. Holy crap. Jacob still was in school. It was September now, she thought. Bella really didn't know for certain. Except Jacob didn't go to school. He stopped a long time ago, and it was one more blame she must shoulder.

"Bella, I don't mean to intrude. You've been through so much, but what is your primary complaint? Seth spoke so fast, I apologize for hardly grasping what happened, but you took extremely ill on your honeymoon?"

Ill was a quaint word chosen by the Cullens. Bella didn't catch a flu or infection. That wasn't the case at all. She decided the less she told Sue the better. "I think I've been in some sort of coma. The hows and whys are sketchy, but if you could get rid of these horrible casts, I'd truly appreciate it."

"Well, you'd need an x-ray. I'm not sure what happened or when. Broken bones take weeks, sometimes months to heal and you look pretty fragile."

"Please Sue, they're healed, trust me."

"Oh, well, I guess I could ask Billy for something. I only brought a thermometer, a stethoscope, and a blood pressure cuff. Oh, and some aspirin. Do you have any pain?"

"No." That was a lie, but Sue meant physical.

"Can I see that thermometer while you get something to cut these off?"

"Sure, honey." Sue dug through her black bag. Bella propped the device inside her mouth and secured it with her tongue and lips. Sue left the room. She looked around Jacob's room again. His life was a reflection of this small room, both disasters zones and Bella was to blame.

Sue came back with heavy-duty scissors, a small saw and what appeared to be a small book under her arm. The thermometer beeped. "Let me see." Sue's eyes reflected concern. "102.5, that's a significant fever. You might have an infection."

"I don't. Jacob made Carlisle give me a transfusion with his blood. I've been having side-effects."

"Oh, I see. That's why you think your arms are healed."

"They are."

Sue opened the black book and then Bella remembered there was a journal. She wanted to snatch it away and possibly rip every page to pieces, but she watched Sue read the pages. It was hard to gauge her expression until a tear escaped the nurse's eye. Bella tried to hide her face again, but Sue took one hand.

"Let's get this off, why don't we?"

Sue worked on the cast and asked questions at the same time. "You're running hot, healing rapidly and you also have a strong appetite. Anything else?"

"I knocked Jacob down even though I didn't mean to."

"I see." The right cast fell to the floor.

Sue cut the left one off in silence. She asked Bella to extend her arms so she could examine her arms. Bella saw the scars. Hideous, worse than the graze from James. They were everywhere. She might as well be doused in gasoline and set on fire. That's how hideous her skin was. Sue was careful not to touch them. She probably viewed them as poison. Bella was most definitely poison.

"Would it be okay if we did some muscle testing? You can so no, but I'm curious if your strength remains the same or is growing stronger?" Bella nodded. After a few more minutes, Sue said something that frustrated Bella even more.

"I'm pretty sure it's fading. Imagine drinking a strong espresso. The caffeine surge is high initially, but you eventually crash. I think Jacob's blood did what it was supposed to do, but it's not permanent. Does that make sense?"

It did, but for a second, Bella wished she'd kept that strength. Perhaps, combined with the rage of seeing him again, she could have done something. He deserved it, but she even failed at revenge.

Sue handed her the thermometer again. 99.9 that time and it had only been about fifteen minutes. Almost normal. What a joke. She felt completely abnormal.

"Can I take a shower?"

"I'm sure you can. I could go ask Rachel for some clothes."

"No, Jake has stuff. I've raided his pre-phase stuff before."

Bella didn't think it was alright to ask Rachel for anything and Jacob's t-shirts and sweats were familiar. Sue left her and Bella dug through an old chest in his tiny closet. The bottom drawer had several items left from Freshman year. He was tall by then, but not nearly as bulky. She could tie the drawstring and keep the pants up. The threadbare shirt felt so soft between her fingers. Bella lifted the clothes to her face. Maybe her sense of smell was slightly better or maybe she'd committed this scent to her memory, but they were so Jake. He still lingered in the forgotten clothes of a boy he lost in the course of a night. If only they could both go back to that time. She'd choose differently. Life would be so different. Bella had a glimpse of what could have been and she ignored it. Now there was no way to achieve that vision.

She tried to sneak down the short hallway without being noticed. Billy was right there. It was like he was afraid to let her out of his sight. "Rachel could help just in case. Sue said you were feverish."

Rachel hadn't even wanted to make Bella a sandwich. She was certain she didn't want to get up close and personal and watch Bella shower. "No, I'm fine. I'll only be a minute. I was thinking about going outside and seeing if Jacob would come back. I think if he hears me, he might. I should try that first. The shower could wait, but I..." She couldn't even finish that sentence. She needed that shower badly. Bella stank of vampires, medicine and shame. She was filthy in her mind, but no amount of soap and water could help. She still craved a cleansing.

"No, he'd want you to stay inside. Take the shower, but please don't lock the door in case you need anything. Sue or Rachel will be nearby."

The water couldn't get hot enough. Bella's skin burned, but it wasn't enough. She let the hot water sprinkle over her. It wasn't the greatest shower head, nothing fancy and disappointing water pressure, but it distracted her somewhat. The pack's absence this long was a bad sign. She wondered if it was only the fight between Sam and Jake or if the Cullens got involved. Each thought increased her anxiety, but thinking of someone else besides herself was the only reason she'd functioned the past hour and a half.

She soaped herself for a third time. Bella used a washcloth because she couldn't imagine touching her actual skin with her fingertips. She knew what she'd feel and she didn't need anymore reminders. A knock at the bathroom door made her jump. Jake! She shut the water off.

"Bella, everything okay?"

It was Sue not Jake. "Yes, I'm drying off now."

She quickly towel-dried and slipped on the clothes she brought to the bathroom. Bella avoided the bathroom mirror on purpose since she walked inside, but this time she couldn't stop herself. The first word out of everyone's mouth was how thin she was. Why was that? Her face slowly lifted to find the glass completely fogged over. The towel in her hands got rid of that and she was finally face-to-face with herself, but it wasn't the face she remembered.

Bella mouthed, Who are you? The lips moved on the unfamiliar reflection. Nothing was the same. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. Dark circles expanded underneath them. Her cheekbones stood out to the point they were grotesque. Her lips were thin and cracked, lacking their normal pinkish hue. Her normally fair complexion couldn't even be considered pale. She looked like walking death, skin over bone was all she was. She was pretty sure her hair was falling out as well. It appeared thin and brittle. This revelation caused her to examine the rest of her body. Her eyes trailed down her arms. The marks from the cast were still evident. Crack. She remembered clearly when she heard the noise. It was their wedding night. Scars and teeth marks were everywhere down to her ankles. Edward branded her. Change me. She said many times before, but not when he actually started. Bella never once said that once she knew what he was. She found out soon in the relationship he was a vampire after her obsession overtook her, but she never understood the dangers. On the honeymoon, she understood, but it was too late.

Jacob acted like he still loved her, but he hadn't seen all this. He couldn't love her like this. He shouldn't. He deserved a whole person. Bella wished he'd found his imprint. That would've fixed things for Jacob. Until that happens, he'd be bothered by her outcome. Her whole body quivered as tears streamed from her eyes. She was nothing short of a monster, a freak trapped in a human body, and absolutely no shred left of her humanity.

What the fuck? She'd been stupid to ask for help. She didn't need them. Bella could end it herself. It was a clear voice in her mind.

Do it. Do it. Do it.

She made a fist and smashed the mirror. The door shook. Bella locked it even though Billy told her not to. The perfect piece of mirror broke apart. It looked just like a jagged knife. She pried it off and gripped it tight in her hand. The slice didn't even hurt. Her blood dripped into the sink and onto the floor. Bella squeezed tighter, still nothing. No pain, no fear, no regret.

Do it. Die, you fucking worthless bitch.

The voice whispered inside her head as Bella pulled the mirror shard to her throat. She never heard or saw what was coming. The door blew open and the promise of death ended with Jacob knocking the weapon out of her hand. She sucked in the air in loud gulps like she was drowning. Her blurry vision cleared enough to see him. He was shaking his head. Bella looked down at his hands. He was bleeding almost as much as she was.

"You're bleeding. Here." Bella briefly forgot herself and turned on the bathroom faucet.

Jacob grabbed her wrists and put her hands inside the stream of cool water. He started washing their hands together. Seconds ticked by as he tended to her in the most caring and delicate manner. Her hand kept bleeding, but his didn't. He was behind her with his arms around her. She turned around and looked up. "You healed already."

"It wasn't my blood."

Bella's eyes drifted to her hand and she wobbled at the sight of the oozing wound. Jacob snatched a towel to hold pressure there. "Why Bells?"

"Because."

He huffed. "You have no idea what I just went through for you."

"I can guess, but I didn't want you to. I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

She truly was, but not sorry enough to wish she hadn't succeeded before he got there.

He turned her around, so she had no choice but to look at him fully. "I know you have a death wish. I know why or at least partially know why, but I'm going to make a promise to you, not on my watch. You're strong enough."

"No I'm not. You think you know but you don't."

"Fine, I don't know everything, but I'll be strong enough for you then. How's that?"

"Sounds like that sucks for you and I won't put you through that."

"But you'll put me through finding you dead on the bathroom floor or ripped apart by Sam, huh?" Her head fell forward until it rested on his bare chest. He pulled her closer and pressed her ear against him. "You hear that? As long as I live, so will you. That's a promise. My heart beats for you and I know you're hurting, but I swear, one day, it will be better. I can't make you forget, but I plan on showing you life is still worth living."

Poor, deluded, naïve Jacob Black. He didn't know when to give up or throw in the towel. How could Bella still have a life worth living?

~Thanks for reading.

If you have words, please share them with me. This is a difficult story to imagine and write, but I have a plan. I promise.