~A/N Let's talk about things that pull me back to fanfic when I promise you there is no time. I'm writing stacks of original stories now. I'm a wife and mother regardless what one pissy reader said to me long ago in a Sep and Lies review. LOL! And we are rebuilding our damaged home, but I still make time to write J & B. Many months ago I watched the mini series Big, Little Lies (it's amazing) and the haunting intro song reached out and grabbed me. I was not going to start another fanfic, but the song by Michael Kiwanuka "Cold Little Heart" was so Bella, especially when she is self-deprecating. I chewed on the song for a while until the idea for this story fully came to me. So, I did something different with this chapter. Listen to the song if you can, the lyrics are woven in her POV.
Continuing on.
Chapter 13
Bella chewed her lip. She stopped herself from counting again. It was pointless. She knew exactly what was in the bag since she'd emptied out the contents on the coffee table.
"That's a lot of morphine," she mumbled to herself. Jake might be out of it, but she didn't want him to worry if he woke up briefly. That's why she kept circling the living room and staying out of the bedroom. If he knew what Leah had done to them, he'd do more than worry. What a bitch! She was insane. Either Sam or the wolf had made her crazy. She put them both at risk, so why did the others agree with her?
Bella picked up a sharp shiny object and stared at her own reflection in the blade. Horrible. What the hell? Did she really look this ragged and old? Aging rapidly instead of frozen in time. She should be one of them by now. That was the original plan. Stupid, idiot girl. That was Bella. Edward is dead, turned to ash, rotting in hell if that was eternity. She didn't know what she believed, but Bella was suffering on earth. Jacob was suffering in the bed, drugged out of his head just to hold still. She was grateful for what he did, but barely anything changed in the tiny cabin, her prison. Actually, her mind and body was the prison not the cabin. Anywhere Bella remained was like death row.
.
.
"Did you ever want it?
Did you it want bad?
Ohhh, my
It tears me apart
Did you ever fight it?
All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins
Bleeding, I'm bleeding
My cold little heart
Oh I, I can't stand myself"
.
.
Jacob groaned from the other room. Bella dropped the instrument. Life was measured in failed attempts to die. She was too chicken shit to do it easy. The hard way seemed less terrifying and it hurt worse. Bella wanted to hurt. That felt normal. Healing, forgetting, moving on all felt foreign.
She glanced at the clock. It had only been an hour and a half. Leah said every two hours, but he was restless and his facial expressions highlighted his pain level increased each second without drugs. Jacob's phone was on the nightstand, so she sent out a quick message to Sue. While she waited, Bella snooped. Yikes, she knew she was nuts, but Jacob thought she was certifiable. His phone was full of messages to Billy, Sue, the guys and Leah. So many were about her. He worried all the time now. The ones to Charlie made her the saddest. Those were about her, but not truthful because he was the only one that didn't know. Bella missed her father, but felt it was best for them if they never saw each other again. He was probably halfway convinced she was already dead. There was no sense in dragging him through that reality more than once. Sue responded.
Give him the morphine. I was only guessing how fast he burns it off.
Bella steadied her hand. She never imagined giving someone a shot. She hated needles and blood. He didn't even flinch and she swore she shut her eyes, but the drugs took effect quick. He was still and quiet again.
"For you. I'm doing this for you not for Leah or myself. I know what she thinks this will accomplish. She's wrong. You're wrong, but you're going to get better, Jake. If this is the last thing I ever do, then at least I managed one worthwhile thing before leaving this miserable life."
Bella was going to die soon, but not today. Jacob needed help.
"Forgive me." He didn't need her no matter what he'd convinced himself.
.
.
"And I know
In my heart, in this cold heart
I can live or I can die
I believe if I just try
You believe in you and I
In you and I
In you and I
In you and I"
.
.
The hours ran together. Jacob was better. Bella was exhausted. She pushed the morphine a few more hours until he woke up enough to ask for a drink. Bella dozed off and on sitting up. She counted the medical supplies again, made a sandwich and started a letter to Jacob. The letter writing was a huge fail. What could she say? How could she stop him from caring? Her eyes were heavy, but his raspy voice caused her to jump.
"Bells, where are you?"
He had to pee. Leah was right. They figured it out. She got him there. Jacob was confused and he asked for Seth. She didn't tell him the truth because there was no point. He was with it enough to stand in the bathroom alone a few seconds. Bella helped him with his shorts, but that was hardly a big deal now. She was the one that dressed him in them after Leah abandoned them hours ago.
He felt warmer than normal, so she made him stand in front of the sink to wash his hands and dabbed a cool cloth all over his face and neck. Bella had no way to measure his temperature. The normal thermometer didn't go that high, so she texted Sue again after getting him to bed again.
Sue said to treat it like a fever. It was part of the healing response, so Bella started the antibiotics, gave him more water to drink and another shot of morphine because the walk to the bathroom increased his pain. By five in the morning, she couldn't take it another second. She collapsed on the bed next to him.
Bella was dreaming. She knew it. Even said out loud, "This is a dream." She knew because she was laughing. Bella and Jacob were sitting on First Beach. They were watching something, but she wasn't sure what it was. They were both shaking with laughter. What could be so amusing? His arm was around her and she didn't pull away. In fact, she snuggled closer to soak in his warmth. Jacob's fingers rubbed her skin and Bella felt safe. This is nice. Was this an old memory? Her mind deceived her in her slumber that she could feel so alive and happy again. It wasn't old. That particular moment never happened. It wasn't real, but for those few seconds it was real to her and she liked being with Jacob. She loved him.
.
.
"Did you ever notice
I've been ashamed
All my life
I've been playing games
We can try and hide it
It's all the same
I've been losing you
One day at a time
Bleeding, I'm bleeding
My cold little heart
Oh I, I can't stand myself"
.
.
"Bells, honey. Are you okay?"
Bella opened her eyes to Jacob's. He was in her face or maybe she was in his face, but they were pressed together and she had no strength to move away despite such an intimate position.
"Are you?"
"Yeah, I think so. I haven't moved yet and the bed's soaking wet, so that's a little gross."
"Oh my God, Jake. Did you pee on us?"
He laughed without grimacing. "No, I'm sweating like crazy. I think I had a fever or something."
Bella felt the dampness now. Her shirt clung to her skin. They were still too close.
"Does it hurt?"
"Not much. I just feel weak, kinda hungry. My mouth is dry. Where's Lee?"
"Gone."
"Oh, is Seth out there?"
"No."
"Who stayed then? Sam?"
"I stayed." That statement had double meaning to Bella.
"Huh? What do you mean, you stayed? Who else is here?"
"Just us." Jacob pushed away from her with the realization.
"Since when?"
"Since they brought you home in the evening."
He jumped off the bed too quickly.
"Jake, stop. You shouldn't make sudden moves like that."
He darted out the room forgetting his body was broken only hours before. Jeez, taking care of him was becoming a full-time job. Bella ran after him.
Fuck. She forgot. He glanced at her coffee table full of possibilities, but passed it up so he could fling open the front door.
"Jake! Calm down." She watched him breathe the morning air deep into his lungs. He smelled the gentle breeze for answers. There hadn't been any answers in a long time. Right or wrong, Leah left them alone. She wasn't bluffing and Jacob was not happy about it. Bella predicted this.
"Don't tell me to calm down. My pack abandoned us. What the fuck happened to Leah and Seth? Was this Sam's doing? I thought he and I made peace at the Cullen's. The guys brought me home, or I was too out of it to remember that right?"
"No, they did. Can you please come back inside so I can explain? I can make us some breakfast."
Jacob kept staring into the distance. Bella saw a tremor run through him. He shouldn't phase yet. It was far too soon. She reached for his arm and gently tugged.
They made it to the sofa and sat together. The contents on the table were his only focus. He wouldn't look at her. "Bells…"
"Sue's medical bag. Leah left it so I could nurse you back to health. Ironic, isn't it? It was all Leah's idea. No one else agreed with her, but I guess she is hard to argue with. She pretty much insisted I got you into this predicament, so it was my obligation to take care of you. I was so furious. It was completely asinine and reckless, but here we are."
"I am beyond furious. She will pay for this."
The realization came to Bella like a bolt of lightning. "She was right. It was my job and only mine. Surprise, we both survived the night."
He picked up a sharp pair of pointy scissors. Bella closed her eyes. She held those damn things at least three times during the night, once close to her neck over her thumping jugular. She'd handled all the items, even opened pill bottles of drugs and smelled the compounds.
"What's the meaning of this all spread out?"
"I wanted to see all the options."
"For me?"
Her eyes dropped to the ground. "No, I knew you needed pain medication. I had my own selfish reasons. This bag was my only companion last night while you rested."
He reached for her hand and she allowed him to hold it for a change. "Bells, honey. Leah was out of line and disobedient. She somehow skirted my direct order to take care of you always. You could have..."
"Yes, I acted out so many scenarios in my head, but you were suffering. I wouldn't leave you like that. I couldn't."
"What about now? I'm practically myself other than some dehydration and weakness. Huh, Bells? Could you leave me now? Despite my physical healing, trust me, I'm still suffering. He's gone. I know that doesn't make what he did go away, but I can't take this anymore. I'm so tired."
His head fell into his hands. She broke him. Jacob cried loudly and it was such a contradiction watching a big strong man like Jake sob like a baby. Bella owed him the truth. "I'm sorry. I can't make you promises. I still think my death would be better for all of us."
He lifted his chin and looked at her. She ached to wipe his tears away, but they'd be replaced with new ones. He was always going to be disappointed with what was left of her.
"I can't believe this has all been for nothing that you still can't wait to die. It's so fucking hard, Bells and believe me, I've experienced misery before, but losing you…" he couldn't finish. Jacob broke down again.
This time she reached for him. Bella held onto both his hand. She had been honest, but she hadn't told him everything. The dream. She remembered the dream and what it revealed to her. "Wait, listen. I think about death and leaving this all behind. So much. Too much. I'm so sorry, but Jacob, there's something else. Please, look at me."
He did.
"Edward destroyed me. I don't know how to forget, so I want to die." She had said that far too many times, "But, today's different."
"How?"
"I dreamed us. That's when I figured out the rest. I've been missing all the signs because I was too damn self-centered. Leah forced me to take care of you, but ultimately, I wanted to. I finally need to say the truth out loud for both of us. When I'm with you, Jake, I don't want to die, I want to live. Help me. I shouldn't be asking anything else of you, but help me, please. Show me how to live again."
.
.
"And I know
In my heart, in this cold heart
I can live or I can die
I believe if I just try
You believe in you and I
In my heart, in this cold heart
I can live or I can die
I believe if I just try
You believe in you and I
In you and I
In you and I
In you and I
In you and I"
~Thanks for reading.
Comments? Thoughts? Love you all so much. Stay tuned, new book release on Amazon is days away. I will let you know. Also, if there's any chance the reviewer I called pissy because she once stated no way was I a mother the way I wrote Bella still reads my fics, I f*cking love you, man!