AN: Thanks for the kind reviews. This work will move back and forth between Anna's and John's perspectives, but not necessarily with a pattern. This chapter gives some insight into Anna's perspective. Enjoy and thanks for reading! :)

Ch 2

Anna started awake, sitting up in bed trying to gain her bearings. She looked for her husband next to her and found it empty. A caress of the space told her he had been gone for some time...again. She was used to finding him gone from the bed early on in their residence here at the cottage. She suspected that he had troubles sleeping at the Abbey, but found out it was much worse than she thought. He said that his stay in prison had made it worse for him, but assured her that time and her love would help smooth out his sleeping patterns and hold his nightmares at bay. It took less time than she thought it would for him to acclimate to sharing a bed with her, but now it seems that he is downstairs lurking about nearly every night. She brought her fists down on the mattress, but it did little to sate her frustration. She was at her breaking point with this whole situation brought about by her one lapse in judgement and oh what a lapse it was.

She had no idea what she was thinking when she allowed that man, Green, to talk to her and get close to her as he had done. Hindsight told her it was probably because of the jealousy she thought it sparked in her husband. She got a small glimpse of this part of his nature when Mr. Molesley had inquired about her availability at the garden party. She had questioned John later that evening after an awkward conversation with Mr. Molesley. John was torn between the jealousy Molesley inspired in him with his inquiry and his sense of honor knowing he had no claim to her as a married man. She was quite pleased at this chink in his armor because it showed the depth of his feelings for her and made the normally stoic man squirm.

When she first became aware of his distaste for the vile man who became her attacker, she assumed it was jealousy. Her normally reserved husband couldn't seem to hide his displeasure and it made her take pause. She wanted to see how much of a reaction she could get from him and what form would it take. After watching John's reactions on their chance encounters throughout the day, she knew that she was getting to him. Unfortunately, he took it the wrong way and made disparaging remarks about John and their life together. At the time she thought he took liberties, but thinking back she realized that her actions indicated something she had not intended or even considered. She had told him in no uncertain terms that she was happy with John, but as they say, actions speak louder than words and to a man without her husband's honor, she was fair game.

She felt her face burn with shame when she thought of her actions and what turmoil they caused John before and after the incident. She knew how hard his life was and how much effort he put into becoming a better man. She knew a lot of the humiliations he suffered at the hands of Vera, who emasculated him before and after the war. She knew a lot of the horrific sights he witnessed and the terrible things he was ordered to do as a soldier. She knew of the sacrifice he made for Lord Grantham, whom he loved as a brother and served without question. She knew of the penance he put himself through to spare others - going to jail for Vera, leaving with Vera to save her and Lord Grantham's family from scandal, suffering his own pain to serve Lord Grantham's family and even denying his own feelings to try and save her the pain of his baggage. She knew how much he doubted himself and worked tirelessly to make him believe that he deserved to be happy and he was more than worthy of her love.

She knew and yet she pushed John right back into doubting himself, for that's what he did. She knew he would never blame her, not for what she had done with the awful Mr. Green. He would assume that he had failed her and it was his fault. She truly hated herself for opening that well of doubt once more, for not listening to her husband, and for not trusting him enough to confess that Mr. Green did make her uncomfortable by saying truly awful, personal things and being nearer to her than she would like. Knowing what she did now from John's stories of what men like Green did in Africa, perhaps it would have happened anyway but she wouldn't have inflicted so much damage to John.

She was a stupid, stupid girl who should have listened to her husband. John had always made her feel good about herself. He valued her opinions and challenged her beliefs to find out where her passions lie and how she saw the world. He really listened to her and gave her the confidence to stand up to him when they didn't agree. He allowed her to be her own person; his equal in all things, not a trophy on his arm or a doll for his bed. He valued her, protected her and cherished her. She thought she did the same for him, but in this case she didn't and it cost them both dearly. Something had to give. Anna could no longer live this life with him of half-truths, hidden feelings, virtually no communication and awkwardness. They were better than this and had been better than this. Two things were very clear to Anna: he no longer desired her physically and yet he still loved her deeply. She really couldn't blame him for the former. What man would want their wife after someone else had taken them, consensually or not?

Perhaps they might be able to reclaim what they had before marriage, though, since it was obvious he was still devoted to her. She had to try because they can't live in this hell anymore. It was her actions and subsequent lies that got them here and despite all his efforts, she hadn't really given him a chance. How could she when half the time she was walking around in a stupor and the other half she was hiding things from him? If this continued, they would never make it out of the shadows and she would spoil their love forever. No, it had to be tonight. It had to be now.

Trembling with fear and determination, Anna grabbed her shawl and quietly made her way to the stairs. She didn't want to startle John by bounding in the room at this ungodly hour if he was sleeping. Creeping down the first steps, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw before her.

Anna's jaw dropped open at the sight of her husband. She had watched him many times before at night while he was unaware of her presence. In those times, he would mostly pace and grab fistfuls of his hair as he struggled alone with his demons. She wanted to go to him, but she knew he would shut down to keep from burdening her. She really didn't expect any different because she was doing the same to him. Long gone were the days where they shared everything with one another. This...this was different than anything she had ever seen or heard of before. Her eyes wandered over him, taking in his appearance as she tightened the shawl around her to stave off the cold. His shirt was discarded and he was hunched over forward with clenched fists. His hair appeared to be somewhat wet as if he were sweating and his skin was red, perhaps from the cold. Her first thought was maybe he had a fever. While he hadn't been sick since they moved in the cottage, he would sometimes grow feverish when his leg was particularly bad. She thought maybe his leg was bothering him tonight, until he rolled his body back and stared straight ahead to the front door.

Her breath caught in her throat as his torment was finally revealed to her. A look of pure anguish was on his face, his knuckles were white and he had an erection straining upwards from his thighs, where his pants were pushed out of the way. What on earth could he be doing down here in such a state? It was freezing down here and surely if he were going to take care of matters, he would have done so already. This meant he was denying himself, but why? He had told her how men managed their urges when away from their wives, at her insistence, so this was not new to him... Her stomach recoiled as realization washed over her. He would never allow himself to take his pleasure before her. This had been true in their premarital explorations, in their first time as man and wife, and all throughout their marriage. She had only been able to get him to climax before her once or twice, and for that she paid dearly and exquisitely as he brought her to pleasure so many times she literally couldn't move or think. She brought her hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that escaped from her.

How could she have thought that he didn't desire her all this time, when it was suddenly so clear that he was protecting her from himself? All the times he had turned his back to her in bed. The times he embraced her but no longer snugged her body to his. The way he folded his fingers around hers instead of intertwining them and stroking her palm as he used to. The way he would put a pillow in his lap before he beckoned her to sit there in his arms to comfort her. All this time she spent feeling sorry for herself and hiding her disappointment from him because she thought he didn't want her. She took it for granted that he... No, that wasn't right. She never considered what he might need, or want, or what he would have to deal with as a result of what happened to her.

Initially, she was terrified that he would kill Green and that consumed her every thought. Once John had cornered her, she told him most of the truth while trying to convince herself that he would never know. She should have known better. John was a man of experience and intelligence. He knew she was lying to him and in his graciousness allowed her to believe that until she finally confessed to him. Things got better for her once she told him; the nightmares waned and she started to live again bit by bit. She had been so focused on her own suffering, she never imagined what he would be suffering. She just took from him, like a parasite and gave nothing in return. Did her cruelty to him have no end? Tears rolled down her cheeks as her chest heaved. She watched him tremble in the chair, suffering in the cold and felt she had to go to him, but how to do so without embarrassing him?

He turned his head away from her general direction toward the fireplace, so she took the opportunity to descend the stairs and approach him. He didn't seem to sense her proximity, so she took a moment to study him. His hair was indeed wet with his perspiration, as was his skin. She saw the traces of tears marking his cheeks and she could smell the musk of his arousal. She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, sparking an awakening of her own senses. Her eyes opened in shock as she realized that she wasn't repulsed by his current state. She had honestly thought she would never feel arousal again, yet her body was beginning to respond to his. It was as if she suddenly came to life. Colors were more vibrant. Scents more vivid. Her body thrummed with nervous tension, similar to their wedding night, yet this wasn't born of inexperience or naiveté. Guilt, shame, anticipation and even arousal were swirling about, but it was the desperate need to help John that had her on edge. Their relationship in many ways had reverted back to how it was in the early days, including him denying any offer she made of support. Back then she had to tread carefully for so many reasons. Now she at least had the benefit of being his wife and knowing him so much better.

Encouraged by this new progression, she positioned herself behind him as she tried to decide what he would allow. Closing her eyes, she breathed him in once more and leaned down, placing her hands gently on the heated skin of his shoulders and her lips near his ear.

"John."