AN: The disclaimer I forgot to add in Ch 1 - I don't own these characters and have only borrowed them for a short time. All mistakes are my own. Thank you for those who are reading and/or reviewing and sharing this journey with me. I have worked on this for a considerable time, but don't like publishing WIP's as my last was started in 2009 and finally finished this month after a long hiatus. Please enjoy and if you would like share your thoughts in a review. It is most interesting to see what people think and what catches their attention. John's and Anna's perspectives are both shown in this chapter.

Ch 3

"John."

She whispered his name, an act of intimacy she hadn't yet shared with him since it happened. It was a plea, an apology, an affirmation of her love and a prayer. It held all the nuances of what she couldn't say at the moment and she knew he would hear everything. She had finally awoken from her catatonic like state and he desperately needed her to be strong enough to grant him permission to be weak. She felt him tense and try to move, but she held firm to his shoulders. Keeping her tone quiet and her touch gentle but firm enough to keep him seated, she allowed him time to settle into her touch before she moved her arms down his chest in a partial embrace.

"Don't get up, John. It's okay. I know you're suffering, my love. Take your pleasure, John. Let go."

"Anna, I...I can't."

His body started trembling beneath her. She knew he was still fighting against it, so she came around the settee and settled on her knees facing him from the side, using the back of the settee for balance. She took his hand in hers and guided it to his erection, encouraging him to stroke himself.

"You can, John. We can."

Anna twined her fingers with his and encircled him, stroking up and down, remembering what he liked. Only a few strokes were needed before his body released stream after stream of cum. She glanced at him while she tenderly finished him; her brow furrowing as he hid his face behind his hands. Removing her shawl, she cleaned him up, cast it aside and then moved to straddle him. This would be the hardest part for them, opening the wounds and breaking down the walls they built around their hearts, but it had to be done and it had to be now. She couldn't let him move away and create distance. If he did, they might never move past this. Her husband needed her.

"John..."

Her hands skimmed the length of his forearms until they reached his. She stroked the back of his hands for a moment, savoring the feel of his skin beneath hers. When he finally started to drop his hands away from his face, she caught them with her own and tightened her grip for a moment, then let go to embrace him. Slowly she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, pulling herself flush to him and burying her face into his neck. His body relaxed under her and she felt his arms pull her close. For a few moments, she took solace in his arms, but she pulled away. There was so much more that needed to happen. That she needed to do for him.

She placed her hands upon his cheeks and held his face, making sure he looked into her eyes as she spoke.

"John, we can't live the way we are anymore. It has to stop. I owe you an explanation and an apology, though neither can begin to make up for the time we've lost."

His incredulity was immediately apparent, but she refused to let him bear this cross alone any longer. She put her fingers over his mouth before any words were said.

"No, John. Not this time. You need to listen to me and in turn I will listen to you."

She raised her eyebrow, in silent questioning, and removed her hand from his mouth once he nodded his affirmation. The tenderness in his eyes was almost enough for her to lose her composure, but she was determined to follow through with her plan. Needing a minute to compose her thoughts, she reached for his shirt and put it on him. She then moved off of him so that he could fix his pants and she could grab the blanket at the end of the couch. Once he was settled, she resumed her earlier position and allowed him to wrap the blanket around them.

"I know you don't think it's true, but I owe you an apology. You see, when he first came around I really didn't notice anything until I saw your reaction to him. It reminded me of the time you warned Molesley away from me as a suitor and I assumed you were jealous of him. I wanted to see how much of a reaction I could get out of you. You're always so composed and reserved at the Abbey. I guess I wanted to see what you would do or say."

She saw the pain in his expression and couldn't hold his gaze. She realized he never considered that any of her actions were purposeful and she was ashamed. His fingers tucked under her chin so she would meet his gaze again. She saw the forgiveness in his eyes and her own filled with tears.

"I'm so very sorry, John. You've always worked so diligently to be a better man and yet you doubted yourself. It took years for you to believe in what I and others saw in you and I intentionally sowed seeds of doubt in your life again. It was cruel, although I didn't understand that at the time and it wasn't until tonight that I understood how cruel my actions were. Not only that, but now I understand how my actions gave him the wrong impression of me, of us and our relationship. We've talked about this before, and I understand that it wasn't my fault and that it probably would've happened no matter what I said or did. Regardless, my actions hurt you and my provocation drove you to behavior that was uncharacteristic of you and as such our relationship became a subject of public gossip. It shames me to have done this to you and to us. It shames me to be like her."

"Anna, please look at me."

She couldn't refuse him, even as silent tears of shame and embarrassment fell from her eyes. Unable to speak, she returned her gaze to his as he spoke to her.

"What you did isn't unheard of and is part of exploring the boundaries of a marriage. I won't say it didn't hurt me, because we both know otherwise. However, I don't accept that as cruelty. I know you Anna May Smith Bates. You are not cruel and you are certainly nothing like Vera, so I won't hear you speak those words ever again. I accept your apology for hurting me and I have forgiven you. You are not cruel. You are not at fault for what happened to you. You are not at fault for the aftermath. You and I have not had an easy road and we never can seem to keep the shadows and demons at bay, but know this: I would do it all again without reservation, because without them I would have never experienced the utter bliss of loving you and being loved by you. You are my world, Anna."

John looked at his wife in wonder. Her strength and tenacity never ceased to amaze him. Here she was again coming to his rescue, but in this moment he could not feel that it was wrong. He had to leave it up to her to come to him on her own terms. He would never force any form of intimacy upon her, yet here she was straddling him after sating his body and it felt so wonderful to have the weight of her upon him, her scent lingering in the air and her breath caressing his skin. He pulled her close again, slowly and loosely so she didn't feel trapped, and started to whisper his thoughts to her.

"Oh, Anna. I love you so much. I... I..."

His voice trailed off as he thought better of speaking of how much he missed this: holding her, touching her, being in an embrace of intimacy rather than comfort. He didn't want to push her and it seemed like she had more to say. Perhaps he could get a better idea of what she wanted from him.

"I know, John. We've been through so much and after we finally put your false imprisonment behind us, I thought all the obstacles were cleared. We were happy and content, but I didn't protect our love as you did. I should have listened to you. You tried to talk to me and warn me. When that didn't work, you snapped at me and I still didn't get it. Instead of heeding the words you spoke or the warning in your uncharacteristic behavior, I felt empowered and indignant. You have always treated me with respect and once you were free to open yourself to me, you made me feel like your equal. My naiveté combined with your support made me feel as if I had nothing left to learn from you. I know now that your instincts were so very right and I never should have given you reason to be jealous of anyone after we were married. After all we went through to reach our union, I should have made you feel secure as my partner, my lover, my friend, and my soulmate as you did for me."

"Perhaps, there was no other way for me to learn this lesson. As we both know, I'm a stubborn creature once my mind is made up, but I wish I could turn back the hands of time and redo those few weeks when he showed up. Even if it still happened, perhaps I could have relied on you rather than push you away. Who knows? What I do know is that I married a man of great intelligence, experience and wisdom, all things that I admire you for and yet I didn't even bother to listen or even heed the importance of what you tried to tell me."

"I know it can't be undone, John, but I won't be so careless with your feelings or our love again. I was terrified of your reaction to what happened and by whom, and I tried to protect you by pushing you away. Mrs. Hughes told me it was wrong to do so, but I couldn't see past my own suffering and pain. I shut you out then and I've continued to do so right up until I touched your skin again for the first time tonight. I know we've embraced and held hands, but it's been so long since I allowed my fingers to caress you in any form of intimacy. I've not considered you at all in this whole process of healing and yet here you are, day in and day out, without complaint tending to my every need, bearing my every mood and enduring my isolation."

"When I woke up in bed tonight, I was so frustrated because yet again I woke up and you weren't by my side. I honestly believed that you no longer desired me sexually, but I never once doubted your devotion to me. I knew things had to change because this separation is slowly mounting every day we hold back our feelings and words. How long before this invisible wall becomes insurmountable? I came downstairs to watch you, as I have on many occasions, but tonight I was determined that things would change and I knew that it was up to me to show you I was ready. You always put my needs before yours, especially in this matter. At first, seeing you hunched over and sweating, I assumed your leg was keeping you up. When you sat up and I realized what was going on, it suddenly all made sense. You weren't repulsed by me, you were protecting me from the pressure of your desire. Once again sacrificing your needs to put mine first."

His eyes widened in shock. He never realized that she had been watching him. He never realized that she knew how often he left their bed. He never realized that she was just as frustrated with the growing wall between them. Not wanting to stop her, he tried to let what he felt show in his eyes and expression.

"You didn't know I was watching. You didn't know I knew when you left. I'm sure it wasn't all the time, but I could tell when you had been gone for hours and when you had just left. I never woke when you were leaving, always after. Even then, I only thought of myself and how you were hiding things from me. As if I was allowed to do so and you were not. I never gave you the chance to grieve, to cry, to yell, to vent, or to heal. I never considered what you might be suffering, physically or mentally. I never thought of what you might need from me or from someone else who you might confide in."

"I'm sorry John. For not listening to you. For not cherishing you. For not considering you at all. I've been so selfish and needy that I have pushed you back into the man you were before you came to me. Hiding your feelings. Censoring your words. Restraining your passion."

He looked at her as the tears fell silently from his eyes. She was so observant and so correct in many things. She was so brave, putting all her doubts, fears, regrets and mistakes out in the open. She knew him so well. He wondered if she could handle what's been lurking in the deepest recesses of his mind.

"John, please say what's on your mind. I don't want you to hold back anymore. Whatever it is, I won't chide you for it. I know how your mind works and can only imagine what doubts it has conjured into being. Confess them to me. Get them out and then we can start being us again. I want to show you that I can be there for you as you have been for me."

Her hands skimmed his shoulders as she pulled him into her embrace and his heart finally broke open. He tried to suppress the sobs he knew would come, but he didn't have the strength or stamina. He just gave in.