Who loves feels? Raises hands and writes like crazy.

Chapter 15

Bella

She breathed in the new day briefly before deciding to continue her quest. His skin was so warm. Bella touched a new spot. She was less tentative than when she first started. The sunlight alerted her she lived another day about thirty minutes ago. Now that Jacob trusted her more, he usually slept a little later than Bella until she woke him with breakfast cooking. Today, she stayed under the covers with him.

One thing came to her during the night. Bella wasn't ready for what Jacob proposed about hugs and hand holding, but maybe if she initiated touch, she could start having more contact. I touch you, but you don't touch me.

She needed to maintain the control. At first it seemed impossible to try when she was awake, but now her palm rested against his chest and there was no fear. It was pure contentment feeling his strong beating heart against her skin. He hadn't moved which was good. She wasn't ready to share this experiment with him yet.

Bella's hand started to move in a circular pattern. The base of her hand accidentally grazed a nipple. She gasped when Jacob spoke loud and clear. "Alright. That's enough for today."

She covered her face with both hands. "You were awake? Why'd you let me do that?"

"First, wolf in the bed, remember? I have super senses and you've been tiptoeing your fingertips all over me about twenty minutes. How did you think I wouldn't notice? Second, I thought you needed to test yourself and wouldn't be able to do it if I was watching you. And third, I liked it a little too much to put a stop to it if I'm being completely honest."

He liked it? That petrified Bella. She wasn't trying to arouse him. That was the furthest thing going on in her dormant mind.

"Bells, uncover your face and look at me."

"I can't. You must think I'm a terrible person, a tease."

"No, not at all. You're a brave person that pushing herself to live each new moment, one baby step at a time."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not. I said it's fine."

"I touched your nipple."

He shook the bed with his laughter. Bella didn't think this morning could be anymore embarrassing, but then Jacob asked her to turn the other way so he could head toward the bathroom for a shower.

She did without question, but as she was staring at the opposite wall and heard the bathroom door click, the truth came to her. She aroused him. He was a teenage boy and woke up to a deranged woman rubbing his nipples. Poor Jacob. Poor Bella. Maybe she should start sleeping on the couch. This was too much to put him through.

Bella got out of bed and closed the bedroom door so there would be two barriers between her and Jacob. She quickly changed into day clothes before leaving their room. She skipped past the bathroom like she was afraid she might hear something over the shower spray even though she never had. Now that she thought about it, Jacob was an extra clean person. He took a lot of long showers lately.

The couch got in her way and Bella almost tripped. It had always been in the same spot, but this morning she almost forgot where it was. The lonely couch. There was no way she could sleep out there alone. It wasn't big enough for Jacob so asking him wasn't an option either. Their sleeping arrangements had to stay the same. She would be better. Bella needed to stop leading him on in the bedroom even though it had always been unintentional.

"There's a lot of fruit here today."

"Yeah, we've been having too many heavy breakfasts. I thought yogurt, fruit and granola was a good switch. I need Seth to shop for me again."

"Or we could go together."

"Jake, you know I can't do that."

"Why not? First, we stop off to see Charlie and then it won't matter who might see you in Forks."

"I can't have this conversation with you right now. Plain or honey yogurt?"

"Neither. I don't eat that shit. No offense. I'll take a banana and some toast with peanut butter."

"I never knew you didn't like yogurt. I thought you'd eat anything."

"It's nasty. I bet there's a few things you don't know about me, but I doubt you can say the same. I know all about you, Bells."

Bella was anxious to see Old Quil. Billy was arranging it, but he wanted to see for himself. It seems like Jacob was getting his wish. She agreed to have dinner with his family. That was a huge deal for her and she wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but Jacob was overjoyed when she agreed.

He always told her the truth. Dinner was quick. They barely stayed over an hour. Everyone was polite, even Paul which only made Bella feel more out of place and self-conscious than ever. Paul was never polite before. Why should he be different now? She was the leech lover, barely got more than a snarl from him, but at dinner, he held a chair for her like he was some type of wannabe maître d'. At least Billy was the same. He was a constant in her life much like his son, but he had to bring up Charlie. She knew he meant well. They all meant well. They were right. Bella was wrong. Her Dad needed to know, but she was still so afraid, and she didn't even have a true excuse. She just was. Rachel wasn't a bad cook either. Jacob said she was working on it because the kitchen had never been her domain growing up, but she figured it was a must with a boyfriend like Paul and a brother like Jacob.

Bella didn't even have to say she was ready to go. Jacob knew. He made the excuse, and everyone seemed to understand. Billy briefly examined her disappearing scars. He nodded and promised her Old Quil would have some answers and everything would work out. When he said things in his soothing voice, she almost believed him.

They all knew it was her first real outing and didn't push, but Bella was extra sensitive about every look or pause in conversation. Rachel said she wanted to stop by the cabin soon if that was alright, so Bella smiled and said that would be fine, but she was already nervous about the meeting. She hoped Rachel didn't want to get her alone and try to get to know her better. She wouldn't like what she found out and Jacob wanted them to get along. It was so obvious how happy it made him for her to be with his family. He longed for her to be normal even if he didn't say it.

"That was nice, huh? Rachel's marinara needed something, but it was edible. She's getting better."

"You ate two platefuls, so it might have been better than edible."

"Oh yeah, I guess I did. I wasn't paying attention. I was too worried Paul would do something stupid."

"But he was a perfect gentleman."

"Yeah, I guess he was. I'll have to thank him later."

"Don't bother. I like him better as an asshole."

"What? Jeez, Bells. Why are you so snippy right now? I thought we had a nice time. You seemed to enjoy yourself."

"I barely talked."

"You're a quiet person. Everyone knows that, but you and Rach chatted."

"No, she talked, I mumbled ten words at best and it's sugar. Her sauce is too acidic, but I'd never tell her that because she will probably think I'm a bitch again. Face it, I'm a freak. That's how they view me. Paul can't even be himself because I'm so fucked up. Do you know how that feels? I know people will always see me as a tragedy."

"No, they won't. Sometimes, you're impossible. I don't even know what to say. What should I do? Is it better if I tell Paul rude and crude is preferred, or ask Rachel to stop making small talk?"

"No, don't do anything. Just leave it. You're right. It was a pleasant evening. I'm tired and possibly insane, so you really need to stop worrying about all this. No one voted you to be my mouthpiece. Maybe one day, I'll come around and be able to carry on normal conversations and there won't be a large blinking sign hanging over me that says, Rape Victim. Tonight was an experiment, but I'm definitely not ready for Dad, so thanks for showing me that."

Jacob gripped his steering wheel tighter and clinched his jaw because he knew better than to say another word. He was mad or frustrated. She recognized the emotions since she caused them regularly. Bella wanted to apologize, but she crossed her arms over her chest and tried to generate some heat. They'd been driving five minutes and the Rabbit was still ice cold.

He glanced out the corner of his eye. "The heater has been acting up. Sorry, I haven't had a chance take a look at it. It should warm up in a bit."

They'd be home in a bit, but she kept her snide remarks to herself. It seems she made enough of those for the night. Bella leaned toward him to test if his side might be slightly warmer. It must be since he was so much warmer than her. He released the steering wheel with his right hand and sat it close to the middle of the car. She looked down at his hand and then at the heater that was failing her miserably. Was his hand there as an invitation? Bella thought about touching him again. Maybe she was addicted to Jacob. That would be awful. That is how it had been with Edward. She was sure of that now. Something was so wrong with her. Bella loved to read stories with strong female heroines, but she couldn't muster the slightest bit of strength within herself not to rely on a man for her self-worth.

That self-worth had been non-existent for a long time, but she found purpose in the cabin. It usually revolved around taking care of Jacob and seeing him happy. It couldn't be all bad to want to make another human being happy. Bella stopped questioning herself and she grabbed the damn hand. She didn't just cover his warm flesh with her cold hand, she pulled his entire arm, so she could wrap herself around it. Warmth filled one side of her. So what. Bella was weak. Jacob was strong. He held back with her all the time to protect her and she rewarded him with pouting, dark thoughts and shameful teasing. She brought his fingers to her nose so she could breathe in his masculine scent. She was addicted. It was already too late. Bella used Jacob to stay alive. He allowed it. They shared a brief look before he parked the car in front of the cabin.

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. Neither is this." Bella feverishly rubbed his skin some more. Now that she graduated to touching him, she only wanted more, but still didn't want him to touch her back. That's selfish. So very Bella. "Just tell me to stop. I know it's confusing you, but I'm not ready for… well, for anything. Jacob, I'm not ready."

"Bells, I know. I said, it's okay. And please don't stop. I want you to do whatever you need to get better." So very Jacob.

Bella complained at lunch the following day. "I can't believe we have to wait another day to see Quil's grandfather."

"I know. He has a doctor's appointment. Sue said it was a huge ordeal to get him into this checkup. He normally 'cures' all his own ailments. This was the only time her doctor friend could squeeze him in. I promise tomorrow he said he'd devote the entire day to us."

"Okay, I guess it's for the best. Seth will be here soon with the big surprise." Jacob growled. Bella snapped her fingers to stop that. She giggled. "I'll get you trained if it's the last thing I ever do. Do not growl about my good deeds."

He yipped to further the charade he was her actual puppy. Nonsense. They were being stupid, and Bella loved it.

"Seth better hope I don't hate this surprise or he might live to regret keeping your secrets."

"You won't hate it."

"How do you know? You didn't even know I hate yogurt."

True. She didn't, but Bella was certain one day, Jacob would thank her for what she'd done. His entire future depended on it.

Seth arrived right on time after school Monday afternoon. Bella saw him coming from the kitchen window. His arms were loaded down, and she jumped from the excitement. The moment had arrived.

Jacob switched off the TV. He sensed Seth's approach before she said anything. Bella rushed to the door. "One thing. Before I open this door, promise me you'll do it."

"Do what? I don't even know what's going on."

"Just promise, Jake. Billy is behind this. So are Leah and Seth. This might be my only good deed in life so promise."

"For fuck's sake, Bells. I highly doubt that, but whatever, yes, I promise if you promise to keep trying then I'll promise to do this mystery task."

"Okay," she reached forward to curl her pinky finger around his briefly. "I promise."

Jacob opened the door for an exhausted Seth. "Finally, I'm strong but this must be hundred and fifty pounds of books. Leah has the computer. She's on the way."

Bella didn't care that she was the only one clapping and jumping for joy. Seth had all the textbooks and Jacob hadn't caught a clue.

"On the coffee table. Sorry, Seth."

"What the hell is this? You bringing your homework over because Bells doesn't have time to be your free tutor."

She rolled her eyes at him. Bella had plenty of time if Seth needed school help. All she did was cook for Jacob and hang out with him. Was he that worried about losing a tiny bit of her attention?

"No way, man. These are junior and senior year. These aren't mine."

"Whose are they?"

Bella nudged him with her fist. "Who do you think? Who needs to finish junior and senior year to earn a diploma?"

Jacob looked between Bella and Seth and then at Leah who was coming in with a laptop box. His head was shaking, but he wasn't answering her.

"Jacob Black. Welcome to your new school. I'll be damned if you are forever a high school dropout because of me. You're doing this. You have to. Billy already signed the papers. You're enrolled in this online homeschool program. You are very welcome. I couldn't have done it without Seth. He got all the information from the guidance counselor. This is fully accredited too, so no worries about getting into college. It's the real deal. All you have do is the actual work. Everything is done online. A certified teacher will grade your assignments and give you exams. The greatest part is you can work at your own pace, so you can finish early. It doesn't have to be two long years unless you want it be."

"Bells, I never thought I'd ever have to say this, but stop talking. You shouldn't have done this without asking me. I would've said no. You've all wasted your time. I quit school. That ship has sailed. I don't have time for this."

Leah spoke next, "I knew it. What'd I tell you, Chica? He's a stubborn ass."

"So, I have to pick all these books again?"

"Yeah, man. Get them out of here."

"No, Seth. The books stay. I already paid for them."

Jacob looked at her curiously, "What? How?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Well, I am because you came back to me in a nightgown. You don't have access to money. Who bought all this?"

"I said I paid for the curriculum."

"Bells, where the fuck did you get money? Is this leech money? I sure as hell don't want this shit now." That pissed Bella off.

"Calm down, alpha. It's her money. I broke some laws to help her, so the least you could do is tell us all thanks instead of acting like this asshole no one likes."

"Someone better start making actual sense. How expensive was this?"

"That's rude. I give you a gift and first thing you ask is how did I pay for it and how much is it? I had a bank account, remember. I worked and made regular deposits. I never even took my wallet when I left home. Leah had to slip into my old room and find it. She used my bank card so there's the how. I refuse to tell you how much though. It's not your business. I covered it because you've given more than I can ever pay back. There's no monetary value attached to being someone's lifesaver. You saved me, Jacob, and you suffered consequences. One day, there probably won't be a wolf pack. I don't know, but I know you. You like to stay busy. You'll want to work. A high school diploma is important even if you decide not to go to college. You're smart and I can't bear to see you miss this opportunity. Please try. I'll help."

She was a huge ninny. Thick tears floated down her cheeks as the last words were said. Leah said it wouldn't go over well, but she thought Jacob might find a little bit of excitement from the new prospect.

"Seth, Lee, please leave us. Thanks for helping Bells. I appreciate it."

The door closed behind them. Bella's crying continued.

"Could you please stop that?"

"No, I can't. They won't stop. I thought I was doing a good thing."

"Give them to me."

"Huh, what?"

"Your tears, Bells." He motioned for her hand. "Touch them."

She looked at him through weighted lashes. It took a few blinks to see him clearly standing before her. She understood, but didn't know how it would help. Bella wiped several tears from her face. Jacob leaned in, so she could easily reach him. She dragged damp fingertips down his face.

"More. Give me more. I'll take them all."

Emotion overwhelmed her. More tears escaped without thought. Steady streams of endless tears flowed from Bella's eyes. She wiped them away as fast as they came, and every bit of moisture was then streaked on Jacob's cheeks where they evaporated. He took them. Bella cried until her eyes dried up and Jacob absorbed every last tear.

When she stopped, Bella paused to catch her breath. He pressed his forehead against hers and whispered to her. "I live for you, only you. You're amazing, Bells. Thank you. Thank you for trusting me, for confiding in me, for giving me this gift. I love you."

She pulled back to see him. "I thought you hated the books."

"No, it's not that. I was afraid when I first saw them. What if I can't do it? What if I fail you? It's been so long since I tried in school. I can't ever disappoint you."

"You won't. You don't. I'll help. You can do this. I know you can. I believe in you."

"Then I guess neither of us can fail. We believe in each other."

"Yes, but I worry still."

"About what?"

"We're too dependent on each other, Jake. Doesn't it scare you?"

"No, it makes me feel braver than my alpha wolf does."

He confirmed it. They were addicted. Bella didn't know if it was wrong, but it was necessary. She wouldn't exist without Jacob and he swore the same about her. She found his hand and brought it to her lips which managed a tender kiss to his knuckle. "I love you, too."

Bella thought Edward stole love from her. She didn't think she could love after evil practically consumed her, but Jacob just showed her another side of himself. He took her vulnerability and exposed his. She never expected to hear he was afraid of finishing high school. She needed to stop worrying about her dependency on him because true addiction took from the individual and everything she was sharing with Jacob lately was adding to Bella. If he didn't stop what he was doing, one day she swore she'd be a whole soul again. Or maybe each piece of them would make her whole which meant she'd share her soul with his. Either way, she was thankful for the moment they just shared. It changed everything.

~Thanks for reading.

You guys. I relish the moments I get to write this. It's so cathartic. How is reading it?

In other news, TC Rybicki's latest, Destiny's Turn, is specially priced for one more day if you haven't checked it out on Amazon. 1.99 or free for Kindle Unlimited readers.