AN: Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. I am grateful to those who take the time to leave comments. On we go with Anna and John and more confessions. There are several more chapters, but it's getting difficult to find a good chapter's end point so there may be fewer longer chapters for continuity's sake. I don't know why Mr. Fellowes chose to torture this couple as much as he did...if they were mine their journey would've been much different. :)

Ch 4

Anna wrapped her husband in her arms and tried to comfort him as best she could. Her silent tears mingled with his as they shared the tidal wave of his grief. She stroked his hair at the nape of his neck and kept whispering to him as wave after wave of sorrow poured out of his soul. It was some time before he quieted and regained some of his composure. She could feel him shivering. His hair was still damp and the room had no source of heat at the moment, so she decided they should move upstairs.

"John, let's go upstairs. I still need to hear what you have to say, but you're shivering and it's too cold to be down here."

He nodded as she moved off of him. He looked so worn out and he offered no protest as she held her hands out to help him up, which indicated that the cold had stiffened his leg. He took his cane from her and she moved to his free hand, taking it in hers. A small smile graced her lips as she felt his fingers interlock with her own for the first time in months. Slowly they made their way upstairs. She moved to get under the covers of the bed, while he took a moment to wash up. She propped up her head on her hand and watched him as he came across the room to her. He was naked, having discarded his damp night clothes. He moved to go put on a clean set, but she shook her head when he met her eyes. There was still a hesitance in his demeanor, but he seemed much calmer and more open than he had in some time. A small grin blossomed on his face as he let his eyes roam over her body, illuminated by the full moon shining outside. She returned it and held up the bed clothes in invitation for him to join her.

His weight moved the bed and this time she didn't tense. He remained apart from her, separating himself to the very inch he had no doubt calculated as the exact distance she would allow him to come to her without causing her to tense up. Tonight she was feeling different. Not knowing how long it would last, she wanted to take full advantage of it. If there was one thing they both learned from this ordeal, it was that progress made on one day didn't always mean it was the same the next day.

"John, come closer."

He shifted a bit more towards her, fear and apprehension in his eyes.

"Closer, John."

"I can't Anna."

"Why ever not?"

She watched the emotions as they flickered across his features, no doubt concerned about her reaction to him. Would they ever get past this awkwardness and hesitation?

He searched her eyes, always the windows to her soul before she had been violated. Tonight he saw a spark and an openness that hasn't been there in recent months. There was strength about her, rather than vulnerability, and it was nothing less than a miracle to him. She was right. It was time and he had to be completely honest with her so the barriers would be gone.

"Oh Anna, I'm afraid. You saw me downstairs. What if it happens again? You've worked so hard to gain every ounce of progress made since…well you know…and I don't want to let my weaknesses negate how far you've come."

He heaved a heavy sigh and brought his eyes back to hers. Ashamed that she saw him in that state. Embarrassed by his emotional breakdown. Disappointed that he wasn't strong enough for her. She ought not to be focused on him.

"John, I need you to listen to me and trust my words. We agreed to be honest and open with each other tonight, did we not?"

He only nodded, noting the seriousness of her tone and expression.

"You still have some sharing to do, but you need to know this first. I honestly thought I was ruined for you. Spoiled. Dirty. I thought you could never see me without the stains of his violation. And even if you could, I was convinced that I could never want that or express that need ever again. I was cold for a very long time. Then I became numb to everything. I didn't feel. I didn't see. I didn't experience anything. It was as if the colors and sounds were gone. When I woke up tonight, I felt angry and frustrated. Don't you see, John? I woke up tonight. I've observed you many times before, but tonight I was determined to do something about this awful shadow being cast over us. This wall that we've built dividing us. I came downstairs and suddenly became aware of my surroundings. I finally saw beyond myself and then I saw you. My beautiful, generous husband in torment, in anguish. I saw everything, John and I wasn't scared or repulsed."

"On the contrary, even despite the feelings of guilt and shame I felt the small stirrings of arousal. Desire, John. We will be able to reclaim what we had, John, I'm certain of it. Tell me, John. Confess your torments. Unchain your demons and name them. Set them free so that there is nothing left secret between us."

He inched forward, wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and just bask in the warmth of her body. Rolling to her back and opening her arms, she folded herself around him as he situated himself next to her. He breathed deeply, enjoying the proximity but tried to keep his lower half from touching her. He felt her hands pull him to her and close the distance he left between himself and her body. It was becoming apparent, at least for tonight, that Anna had come back to herself and was intent on caring for him and his needs. He decided to let her do what she wanted and follow her lead, too tired to do otherwise.

After indulging in their embrace for several minutes, John rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling. He felt her nestle against his side and put his arm around her sighing deeply. Where did he begin?

"Anna, I've never been a confident man. Because of my size and reserved nature, people left me alone and mistook my insecurity and reserve for confidence. I did alright for myself, but I never seemed to be able to control my temper. When Vera and I were together, as I've shared with you, she would insult and belittle me. It was much worse after I returned from the war and we both were drunk. I opened my heart and soul to her and she decimated it. I swore I'd never trust another woman again. Then I met you and everything I knew changed. We've been through so much together and finally had time to learn to be married and live together. Share things. Make new traditions and honor our past. I had to learn how to be happy because I had never experienced anything like our friendship or relationship ever in my life."

"I've always wanted you to be happy and marveled at your inner strength and beauty. I never once questioned your fidelity to me. My problem with him was that he personified the idea of who I thought you deserved. Someone who could chase you in a field on a summer's day or carry you home if you sprained your ankle on a walk. Someone who had a good job and who wouldn't have to rely on someone else's generosity or pity if they lost the job. Someone who didn't have to suppress the urge to drink or fight when things didn't go their way. Someone who could give you a child. I've always wanted the best in all things for you, even before him. It was my insecurity that fed the jealousy I felt and the more weakness I showed in front of everyone, including you, the more people watched and whispered about my failings."

"I've failed you so many times over the years, but never has my failure been more complete than the night of your attack. I failed to be there for you. I failed to see through the lies you told. I failed to be the man of honor that you needed. A man whose actions or motives you wouldn't have to question. A man whose temper wasn't out of control. A man you wouldn't have to protect from himself. A man whose past wouldn't tarnish the present."

He squeezed her a bit, as he let his words settle around them. She had taught him so much about himself and he had begun to believe more and doubt less as their married life began in earnest. The doubts still lingered in the far recesses of his mind and began to grow and flourish once more in the wake of the latest storm to disrupt their lives. He felt her tense a bit, most likely in protest, so he preempted her as she had him.

"If I am to name the demons, my dear, you must meet them. I know that it is down to you that they receded for so long, before their emergence from the shadows once again. You need not tell me I am wrong. My rational mind knows that hindsight is perfect, but my critical mind reveals my weaknesses and failures along the way. I had no way of knowing what was happening, yet I convinced myself that I should have sensed it. We always had a strong connection. Strong enough that I believed I could sense when you entered the room even if I wasn't in a position to confirm it by sight. I never should've let you go downstairs alone. I even considered following you to apologize for bringing shame to myself and to us by acting like a blustering fool and yelling at you in front all of our friends and colleagues. Stupid, foolish man that I was, I feared that you might reject me and were most likely still angry with me. Up until that point, we really had not experienced a row as a married couple. Oh how I wish I could go back and relive that 24 hours differently, my darling Anna. I've not been able to forgive myself for not being there for you when you needed me the most."

Anna's embrace of him tightened in the wake of his confession. He could feel her tears upon his skin and felt her body move as the sadness escaped from her.

"I forgive you, John. I don't believe you have any guilt in the matter, but I know that you need me to forgive you. Accept my forgiveness, John and let the light of it banish your doubts and guilt from your heart. For it is down to you that we are here, heart to heart – skin to skin – soul to soul, even after all that transpired. Your unending patience, tolerance, love and tenderness has allowed me to grieve, simmer with anger, hide and finally heal. If it makes you feel better, consider your faithful care of me as your penance for your perceived failures. Forgive yourself and forgive me. Let go of that which haunts you in the long stretches of sleepless nights. Come back to me my love. Let us shun the demons with the light of our love."

John felt his tears begin to flow once more as he let Anna's words into his heart. He felt her fingers stroke gently through his hair as she propped herself up to look at him, seemingly not bothered by her breasts brushing against his side without any cloth between them. He tensed as he felt the slight stirrings of desire for her at the tingle of her nails gently tracing a path along his scalp. He closed his eyes, scared of his body once again betraying him in his exhaustion.

"John, what is it? Are you not comfortable with me touching you? You are always so careful to ask me or yield to me and yet I never thought to ask you…is this ok?"

John sighed, knowing that his actions caused her to doubt herself so soon after she was able to come to him with strength and confidence just a short time ago.

"I know that sigh, John Bates. Tell me what is on your mind about us. About our intimacy and the lack of it the past months. Tell me, John. Let's be rid of all of this wall between us. It may end up awkward or I may be set back again tomorrow, but let me hear it so we don't have to hide from each other anymore. It will probably hurt to see me flinch in the future, but surely it would be better than this purgatory I have put us in of late between my numbness and doubts and your hiding and denial of your body's natural release. Let us face this part of healing together, not separately. Please, John…you trusted me enough to open your heart to me before we were able to marry. Trust me now. Trust our love and devotion to each other."

Exhausted from lack of sleep and the emotional breakdown he had earlier, John decided just to clear the air. He wanted to censor his thoughts for her, but it wouldn't be fair after her genuine honesty earlier tonight.

"I'm comfortable with your touch, Anna, but the desire I feel building inside of me feels like a betrayal after everything you've suffered and endured. After so many years of making due with the smallest tokens of affection when we began our unconventional courtship, it is sometimes the smallest thing that lights the fire inside of me. A glance across the room or the way your hand trails down the banister of the stairs in the servants' hall. It was those minute, innocent gestures that fueled my imagination back then, which became more deliberate as our friendship deepened into something so much more and your confidence in me grew. But now you are changed and there is no intention in your actions, yet my body and mind respond even though they shouldn't. How could I ever approach you in such a state and not repulse you or scare you? I'm a bear of a man, Anna. So much bigger and more powerful than you and I don't want the force of my desire to ever be a source of fear or intimidation to you. What else could I do but hide? If you weren't repulsed, then you would probably feel guilty over it. You've already admitted to thinking yourself cruel. What good can possibly come of my inability to control these carnal desires? How can you not be afraid of me when I am so much bigger in stature than even him?"

John sighed again, knowing there was more to be said, but quickly running out of the will to speak. He just wanted to hold Anna in his arms as he used to and forget for a few hours that things might be completely different tomorrow and they may have to start over.

TBC