AN: I know it sound repetitive, but I do thank you for your readership and for those who took the extra time to leave a comment. It's nice to know how my work is received and that it is, in fact, being read. We've been with John and Anna as they clear the air and take down the stones in the wall. Now we begin to see the attempted return to physical intimacy and their continued healing. There are 8 chapters total and possibly an epilogue, if my muse cooperates. This chapter is slightly longer than average...enjoy!

Ch 5

Anna's heart broke for John as he spoke of his struggle to stifle his natural desire for her. His love for her was always so beautiful and passionate. It made her feel safe, loved and desired. Having grown up in the Abbey, her exposure to relationships was limited to the household and her own family. She had witnessed devotion and companionship, but never the passionate side of love. Their life together in the cottage was a revelation. Surely, not every marriage was like theirs. Even John had a miserable go of it the first time he had married. No, Anna knew without a doubt that what they had was very special and now John was punishing himself for the physical expression of his love for her. She let her gaze roam over his face as he struggled with himself.

"I can't utter the words of my thoughts to you. They would hurt you Anna and there has been far too much of that already."

"You must voice them, John. Do you hold against me what I said to you all those times I was pushing you away? Do you hold my lies against me now? You must tell me, John, if we are to eliminate this awful wall between us."

"Of course I don't hold anything you said or did against you. It's completely different…the violence was enacted upon you, not me. I would never hold any of that against you. I love you."

"And I love you. You're right, John. It was different for me. Even though I isolated myself, I still had the support of Mrs. Hughes and later Lady Mary. I had the concern and support of most of the house. I had the knowledge of what happened and knew all the reasons for my behavior. And what did you have? Suspicions, whisperings, and accusations from those who should know you better. An empty cottage. A deceitful wife who wanted nothing to do with you. A wife who flinched away from your touch. A wife who stopped being a wife altogether. I avoided you. I yelled at you. I refused to speak to you. I was cold to you. And I did all that in full view of all of our colleagues. As if that weren't enough punishment for you, I moved out of our home. I resented you for trying to follow me and anticipate where I'd be. For forcing me to face you each morning at the bottom of the stairs. For forcing Mrs. Hughes into telling you my secrets and lies. I resented you for these things because they exemplified the love that I felt I no longer deserved. Each time I looked in your eyes I could see your love clouded by the pain, confusion, disappointment and sadness. You feel guilty for not being able to prevent what happened to me. I get that, but we both know that you did nothing to cause what happened to me."

Anna stopped and took a breath to gather her thoughts and gauge John's reaction to her words. She could see that he was surprised at how she perceived what happened and thought that it may not have occurred to him to see things from that perspective. She had only just seen this for herself tonight after waking up from this ongoing nightmare. She met his gaze and he nodded at her to continue. She smiled at him. He knew her so well.

"I, on the other hand, was the sole perpetrator of the wrongs against you. You were right, you know. Even though I still hate that you uttered the words aloud, you were spot on. One day your life was perfect and the next it lay in ruins. No one stuck up for you publicly, though Mrs. Hughes did in private conversations with me. No one listened to you. No one counseled you for your benefit. I know Mrs. Hughes told me to go to you and tell you the truth, but it was for my benefit. She knew I needed you. I know you, John. You don't have anyone you confide in besides me, now that your dear mother is gone. I know that Lord Grantham is a brother to you, but you would never burden him with your personal issues unless you require his leave on a matter. You were alone, confused, angry, grieving and overwhelmed. You deserved better from all of us, but I can only apologize for myself and my actions."

Anna realized that she touched on something he didn't want to give voice to when she heard his breath hitch and saw his eyes close. Her heart broke once more for him as she watched him.

"Tell me, John."

"It felt as if I lost my best friend. I was never really open with anyone the way I was with you. Not even my mother, as I didn't want to burden her with things like the realities of prison and war. I certainly didn't want to admit how bad things were with Vera, but she knew that much. When I finally allowed myself to accept your love, it was astounding. It wasn't overnight, but I gradually came to understand that I could share everything with you. My doubts, my fears, my past, my demons and it freed me to be a better man for you. When it all fell apart so quickly and then when you changed so drastically, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. All I could think of was that whatever spell was cast over you to see me in such a positive light must have finally faltered. Be it a better man, or just the idea of one, I believed that you had finally seen me for the weak and shameful wretch that I was. The fact that you were violated never crossed my mind, even though I have seen women in such a state before. My brain couldn't make sense of the fact that violence of that nature could occur here and could happen to you. I felt so lost and so alone, yet I didn't want to let you go. If you decided you needed fulfillment from another source, I was willing to live with that so as not to lose you. You are so much a part of me that I stopped being whole when you left. I felt as an empty shell until I got to the Abbey and saw you at the start of the day. I know you hated it, but I was willing to make you uncomfortable for the few seconds that I could look upon your countenance and pretend that nothing was wrong. I don't want to lose you Anna. I will love you however, whenever, whatever so long as there is a breath in my lungs."

He shuddered as she drew him to her and held him in her arms. She pressed her body to his not wanting any distance between them on this night. There was one more area that she knows he has been avoiding and despite her wanting to avoid this also, she must press forward.

"John, there is one last subject we need to discuss before we can move forward. I know that you don't want anyone to know the darkest thoughts that haunt you, but we have to talk about them."

"You are right once again, Anna, and it shames me to have these thoughts. May I ask, for both our sakes, that I not give voice to these thoughts in the dark of night which gives these thoughts more power and makes them more terrible? Tomorrow is Sunday and neither of us are required at the Abbey. Let us leave the treacherous conjuring of my mind buried until tomorrow, when we are in the light of day. I promise you that we will talk of the last of what I have been keeping from you and our complete honesty will be restored."

Anna considered her husband and his words. He was so vulnerable tonight after months of not sleeping properly and no one looking after his well-being. He had secured tomorrow off for them as both Lord and Lady Grantham are ill and not likely to leave their rooms. Mary granted her time off to spend time together knowing the problems they are having still. Not knowing how long this reprieve of hers would last, she intended to use this time to care for John as he had selflessly cared for her.

"I will hold you to that promise, my love."

"I will make good on it, although it won't be pleasant for either of us. I will make it up to you afterwards in whatever manner you would like – you have naught to do other than name your wish."

"You have no need to make anything up to me, John. You already do so much more than I would ever ask for."

"Nonsense! I love you and…"

Anna interrupted her stubborn husband, knowing exactly what he would say.

"I need your love John, but you need mine as well. I have been neglecting you, husband, for a very long time. While I know that you would never ask, it's time that I started to look after you with the same tenderness, patience and care that you have bestowed upon me. Despite what you're thinking, it's not a burden and it's not wrong. Thank you, my love, for taking care of me. Allow me, as my own penance, to tend to your needs."

She heard him exhale a long, weary, sigh and punctuate it with an indignant huff.

"Anna, you don't owe me anything. You by my side in whatever form that takes, even grumpy, moody, or sullen, is enough and certainly more…"

She stopped his words by covering his mouth.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence. We are good people, you and I, and we deserve the pure and unconditional love that we have for each other. We deserve to be cared for with tenderness and patience. We deserve the forgiveness so freely given to each other. We deserve to reclaim what we can of our marriage; to rebuild what has been broken, to remember what has been forgotten and to rejoice in our renewed and strengthened bond. Each time we pass through the fire we emerge closer and more in love than we thought possible. This time will be no different as long as you allow me to fulfill my sacred vows to you as you have done for me. For better or worse, John."

She smiled at him tenderly as she watched his eyes mist over again and placed her hand over his heart.

"Well, how can I say no when you put it like that, my darling?"

He let out a watery laugh and they both were overcome by laughter. Oh, what a pair they were. Anna wrapped herself around him and allowed herself to savor this moment so long in coming. The hair on his body. The muscles flexing beneath his skin as he held her. The solidity of his form and the soft places that showed he was eating well and in good health. The taste of his skin on her tongue she was lightly trailing along his shoulder causing him to tense beneath her.

"Anna…"

He whispered her name so reverently, she let out a sigh of her own in frustration. She finally felt close to normal, but her noble husband wouldn't dream of taking advantage of this newfound closeness.

"Please don't be worried about your desire for me. Even if I have no wish to act on it, I want to know that my husband desires my body. I was so upset when I believed that my body was forever spoiled for you. I didn't blame you for feeling that way, but I thought for sure that we would never regain that part of our marriage. I felt such relief and nervousness when I realized that seeing you so aroused, smelling your scent awakened the memories of desire in my own body. Your body called out to me and my own began to answer, John. I felt, no I feel so alive and so normal for the first time in so many months and it is because of you. You make me feel safe and loved and desired and cherished and so many other wonderful things. Let us spend this moment in time rediscovering each other physically and emotionally. It is time."

"I will give you as much or as little as you want, but I have a request. We have come this far together, I believe, in part because I have yielded complete control to you in these delicate matters. Perhaps it will always have to be that way or perhaps it won't, but right now I don't think I can handle for you to ask me to take control or not ask for reassurance from you. I need you to take the lead, for you know your own mind and heart. You know what hurts and what doesn't. You know what feels good and what doesn't. I also need you to talk to me so that I know what hurts and what doesn't. What feels good to you and what doesn't. It doesn't mean that I don't desire you or that I don't want to. I need this for my own sanity and peace of mind. I couldn't bear it if I did something to traumatize you unknowingly because you didn't or couldn't say anything. I'm willing to try anything you feel ready for and I'm willing to stop at any point you change your mind, but it is imperative that you communicate both your desire to explore and your need to stop whenever either may arise or it may damage both of us beyond repair. Understand that I expect nothing more than you are willing to do and nothing less than your honesty in this matter. I hold you to no obligation of marital duties, seeing to my pleasure if it causes you discomfort, or forcing yourself to perform because it's what you think I need. I think this is the best for you, for me and for us. May we start in this manner and see what happens?"

Anna felt the smile split her face unbidden. Her husband wanted her and what's more, he was offering a solution that would give him what he needed while offering it as a choice still. He has come so far from the beginning of their relationship when he would make all these noble decisions without her input or even a discussion. God, she loved this man.

"Thank you for asking me rather than telling me and thank you for sharing with me what you need to be comfortable. There was a time, long ago, when you wouldn't have done either. I believe it would be best to follow your suggestions, at least for a while. You are wise and intelligent, my husband, and I know that you have my best interests at heart. I also need to know if something makes you uncomfortable or if you want to stop. I hold your desires and limitations in the same high regard and will not ask you to go any farther than you are willing. I promise to come to you when I desire you and not resent that you won't approach me yet in this matter. I promise to communicate to you what I'm feeling good or bad and not to force myself to act to give you pleasure if it doesn't feel right. I promise to ask you to stop at any point that I no longer feel good about what is happening."

"That's all I ask for now. May I kiss you, Mrs. Bates?"

"Yes, John."

John reached out to grasp her hand from where it lay over his heart and gently pressed his lips to her knuckles. As his warm breath caressed the back of her hand, goosebumps erupted all over her body.

"Was that okay, Anna?"

"It was more than ok. It reminded me of our wedding night, when you did the same thing and we giggled because I got goosebumps all over. The same thing happened tonight."

She smiled as she guided his hand along her arm so he could feel the reaction of her body to him. In the dim light of the full moon, she could see the smile that graced his face as his fingertips traced a path along the bumps raised upon her skin. She saw his brow furrow a split second before he spoke and wondered if he was too uncomfortable. She would stop of course, but if she were totally honest she didn't want to stop. Fear that this was only a temporary reprieve of her numbness began to creep into her thoughts and what a shame it would be to have this new found physical intimacy over before it really began.

"Anna, I… well I have a question."

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

"I know it's dark in here and although we used to carry on by the light of the moon, I was wondering if you wanted some candles lit so it would be lighter in here."

Relieved that he wasn't stopping things, she shook her head.

"No, I don't think so. I can see enough and I hadn't thought about it before you mentioned it. I appreciate the thought and I will let you know if it changes. May I touch you, John?"

They both smiled when he nodded his approval. They were both on their sides facing each other. She pushed her fingers through his tousled hair, noting that it had dried, and let her fingers run down the back of his head. She trailed them down his neck and along the broad expanse of his shoulders to the front of his chest. It felt truly wonderful to be touching him again and feeling his muscles twitch beneath her fingers.

In so many ways this is like their first time together as man and wife. The hesitation, anticipation and nervous energy swirling about the room as he allowed her to set the pace of exploration and discovery. For her, it's almost like reliving the moment with the benefit of experience – knowing how to please him and how everything works. Yet for him it's starting all over from square one. As her fingers caressed the hair covering his chest, she wanted to reassure him.

"John, it occurs to me that I have an unfair advantage."

She saw the question in his eyes as he waited for her to elaborate.

"Well, this seems so much like our wedding night together, but I have the benefit of knowing exactly how to please you whereas I'm sure it feels like starting completely over to you."

She let her eyes take in his expressions as he considered her observation.

"I think that's partially true. For instance, I don't think you would appreciate a playful tug on your hair, as you once did. But I'm sure there are plenty of touches and caresses that you enjoyed before and still enjoy now."

As he spoke he took her hand from his chest and intertwined their fingers together, softly stroking her palm with his thumb.

"Like this. It's been many months since I've held your hand this way, yet tonight when we came upstairs I did. It seemed to please you if I read your smile and squeeze of my hand correctly."

She nodded, unable to speak past the emotions overtaking her.

"And this."

He questioned her with his gaze and she nodded as he took the ribbon securing her braid and pulled it loose.

"As long as I am careful, I believe that you would also find pleasure in this still."

Anna shivered as he gently undid the braid and fanned her hair out over her shoulder and down her chest, letting his fingers ghost the path along her cloth covered shoulder and breast.

"Yes, John."

She took his hand in hers and guided to her cheek, using her own to hold it in place.

"Kiss me, John."

She leaned into him as he moved to kiss her. He lay his lips gently upon her forehead and let them linger for a moment. He then moved to her cheek, taking his time and placing small kisses along her cheek working his way toward her mouth. It felt as if 100 butterflies were let loose inside of her, as her anticipation grew.

Anna's strangled whimper was the only sound in the room when he finally touched her lips. All the butterflies disappeared and she finally felt whole again. She burrowed closer to him and savored his touch, his taste, his smell. The tension in his frame dissipated as he continued to brush his lips against hers. He finally pulled back and looked at her with an expression of joy and contentment.

"That was nice, Mrs. Bates."

"It was very nice. I'm afraid you've married a greedy woman, Mr. Bates, for I find myself wanting more. I hope you don't think ill of me, but I find that I must do this immediately. "

Anna pulled him to her and began kissing him in earnest. Clutching his hair and beckoning him to deepen the kiss so she could taste him again. She was so close to orgasm after months without his touch, she grabbed his hand and shamelessly showed him what she needed. He groaned as she placed their hands at her center, warm and wet and pulsing with need. She sucked in a breath as he coaxed her so easily over the edge and writhed as he drew another climax from her only moments after the first.

Unable to speak, she clung to him as tears of joy flowed from both of them. Whispered words of affection and devotion poured from him, surrounding her in the tenderness of his love and illuminating her soul that lingered in the darkness of fear and uncertainty for too long. She feels so at home in his arms, it's hard to imagine why her awakening took so long to come. John rolled over and curled to her side, allowing the root of his desire to rest against her, even though it seemed he was ready to fall asleep. She knew that for him it was more than enough that she found her pleasure, content to sacrifice his own needs. At least he followed through on his promise to not hide from her anymore.