We are back inside Jacob's mind with a chapter I call, "Pillow Talk." This part was supposed to be short as we transitioned over to Old Quil's involvement. Funny how these two have a mind of their own once I get going, so this is all J & B. If you hadn't noticed, the majority of this fic is just the two of them. I've written plenty of pack-centered stories, but this one is a little different.

Chapter 17

Jacob studied every part of her. Bella's gaze mimicked his own. They'd seen each other countless times. He knew every crease, contour, and freckle on her face, but tonight lying in bed was different. Bella held tight to her fears about seeing Charlie again. No one could convince her to let them go, but tonight she had no choice. He showed up and she had to face her father. He knew now. He knew the whole story, and Bella was still okay. In fact, Jacob was convinced she was better than ever. That didn't mean the night was easy on her. She could have easily fallen apart a few times, but Charlie and Bella came to an understanding.

It was difficult for him to leave her there with Jacob, but he put his trust in him once he knew how far Bella had come inside the hidden cabin in the woods. Charlie asked if he could be there for her at Old Quil's. She hated that part of the confession more than anything. Bells had to show him some of her scars. Jacob swore that for her it was worse than talking about the rape. The attack from the honeymoon was something no one else could envision, but the physical scars were a tangible reminder. Her vulnerability was visible to the world and Bells despised it. She asked her father to wait since none of them knew how that first visit would go.

Bella refused to fall asleep. They'd been lying there for a good hour without saying much. Jacob finally spoke, "You should sleep, honey."

"I can't. There's too much going on inside my mind, but you can."

"Doubt it as long as you keep eyeballing me. That's not the easiest thing to fall asleep to, you know."

"Sorry." Her expression changed from content to sad in an instant.

"Hey, I'm just teasing. What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I just remembered something that made me feel uneasy. You're right. It's creepy to stare at someone while they sleep."

"Bells, it's okay. Tonight, was monumental. I'll stay up with you, keep you company, talk or be quiet. Whatever you need."

"Dad said that too."

"I know."

"I almost fell apart when I saw his face."

"You didn't."

"I fainted."

"Yeah, but you survived another challenge. I knew you were ready and I was right."

"Ha-ha, Jacob Black thinks he's always right."

"Well… he was in this instance."

She shoved him because Bells hated when he referred to himself in the third person. He smiled at the dark ceiling because it was almost worth frustrating her if she would touch him again. "I can't believe Dad knows everything I worked tirelessly to shield him from for years."

"Yep, and he loves you just the same."

"Well, he shouldn't and neither should you."

"But we do, so watch it, Bells."

"Don't worry. I'm not slipping. I get it; people are on my side and for that I'm grateful even if I know I haven't earned it." Bella paused a few minutes. He thought maybe she was tired enough to fall asleep, but he was wrong. "Jake, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"What if I hadn't been ready? What if the fainting was only the start and I completely went back to the dark place? What if I regressed?"

She didn't, so Jacob didn't know why she wanted to play the what-if game. He thought about her questions. What would he do? Bella reached across his chest and flattened her palm against his bare skin. Touch. Her touch. Then he knew, and he told her. "Wherever you go, I go. So, if you head to the dark place again, plan on dragging me with you, but I'm bringing my flashlight."

"That's not normal, but I'm so lucky to have you. One more question and then we'll sleep."

"Okay. Shoot."

"What's going on with you, the pack and your wolf? How are there two alphas?"

"You said one more question."

"Consider it a four-part question. It's all related."

Jacob normally would do or say anything to keep Bells talking. Some days were too quiet. Those were her bad days. He chose his words carefully. He wasn't going to elaborate on imprinting because he hated it even more than before when it was just annoying. Sam tried to discuss merging the packs and letting Jacob take the lead. He refused. Managing Leah and Seth were all he had time for. He'd been struggling with a restless wolf and his current behavior was ill-advised. She wouldn't like it, but he swore never to lie. Bella didn't mention imprinting, so Jacob felt okay not divulging how the tick messed with his head, but he had to tell her some of it.

"Sam lost his hold on me when you asked him to kill you. You know that."

"Yeah, you fought, but now you made up. I think I'm missing something. Rachel mentioned you being a leader. Do the guys want you to be their alpha? Are you already?"

"No, and I don't know what's going on in their minds. I left, remember? The only thing I do know is everyone wants you to get better, so we all agreed. Seth and Leah stick close to me and Sam has the others same as always."

Hopefully, his answers sufficed and they could get some damn sleep. Jacob understood her reluctance to drift off so soon after Charlie leaving, but damn, it was after two in the morning and he was tired.

"But you are gone so long on the weekends, what's up with that?"

Nothing was ever easy with Bells. She had to go there. "You know, just stuff. I stay inside a lot with you not that I don't want to, but the wolf needs out so when I'm out, he takes over."

Now, sleep was on his mind again.

"And what exactly does he do to take over because you come inside without a word and lock yourself in the bathroom forever then you act weird with me several hours?" He didn't say anything. She wasn't done with the inquiry. "You're leaving something out, so how can you expect me to open up when you don't give me the same courtesy? What does the wolf do all alone when I'm here playing games with Seth all day?"

"He runs."

"All day?"

"Yep."

"You're lying. Remember when I thought you were seeing a girl or something? I'm liable to jump to conclusions if you don't spill."

"Oh shit, you caught me. Yeah, the wolf. He likes me to pick up hot chicks. That's what I'm doing."

"Watch it. I'm about to kick you off the bed. Tell the truth."

"I'd like to see you try. Shit, Bells. Do you know what time it is and we have important stuff going on tomorrow?"

"We have important stuff going on right now. Tell me the truth."

How could he tell her the tick still haunts his dreams? Jacob was sure she had plenty of nightmares even when she was awake. He found one way to curb the torture and she wouldn't understand. Jacob needed Bells like he needed air, but his wolf had one other need besides her and that was to destroy leeches. That is what he let him out to do when Seth and Leah came over. They weren't exactly in the area because of the wolf pack. Jacob had to make some journeys. He had to search for them. That's why he was gone a long time. He didn't just let the wolf out to run; he let him out to hunt. It was a new obsession and he didn't want to quit. She'd ask him to quit and he wasn't ready.

Jacob chose his words carefully, "He makes things safer. That's what we're up to."

"Safer? What's that supposed to mean? Have there been new vampires in the region? Oh my God! What if the Volturi sent spies? Edward said they were appeased when we married. Oh no, tell me everything. What did they look like? Was it a female with blonde hair? You need to call Sam."

"Bells, calm down. As far as I know the Italian bloodsuckers haven't been anywhere near Washington. The guys know to watch for signs. It wasn't around here, 'kay. I'm beat, let's sleep."

Bella might be reconsidering her threat. Jacob felt tiny cold feet pushing at him. It was a weak attempt to shove him off the bed because she was fed up with his evasive words.

"If there was a vampire far from here then why would you know about it?"

"Because… dammit, Bells, I went looking for them. That's how, and I found one then another and another. You know what? It's fucking amazing to wipe them off the face of the earth. My wolf gets such a rush from it and he's getting stronger, stronger than I thought possible. I'm not stopping until I wipe them all out. I can't undo what happened to you, but it helps to keep the vengeance going. Killing Cullen once wasn't enough. There. I told you the whole truth, now we can sleep."

The lights came on.

"Have you lost your mind? How could you do this to me?"

"To you? You mean, for you. That's easy. I want you to live in a safe world."

"No, you want me to live alone."

"That's ridiculous. I'd never leave you." Jacob said that in his mind every day. He didn't go anywhere except to his father's and far north into the wilderness to hunt bloodsuckers. There was no way he'd every imprint because number one, he didn't want to with anyone but Bells and number two, he didn't allow himself any contact with new women.

"You' ve been hurt… bad. More than once in case your memory fails you. The guys had to come to your rescue. I'm guessing you don't take back up."

"Don't need it, and like I said, I'm stronger. I never asked for help. I've lost count how many I've taken down. Last week, it was two at once."

"I thought I made myself clear; I'm only alive because of you. I can't do any of this without you, so why are you risking your life for immortals that will never come anywhere near me? I know it's horrible what they do, but they have existed for centuries. We have no idea how many there are, so it's impossible to rid the world of them."

"You don't know that. You're a magnet for them for some reason. What if they're headed this way?"

"Then the pack will take care of it. I live in the safest spot on earth because of the wolves. Enough. This discussion is over. You won't go hunting ever again. I forbid it."

They'd had enough drama for the day, but Jacob couldn't help himself. He laughed. That might have been the wrong decision. Bella caught him by surprise. She jumped on top of him. One second they were both staring shell-shocked at the intimate contact, the next second she unleashed on him. Bells hit Jacob, over and over, she pounded her fists into his chest. She looked completely deranged, but he didn't stop her. She needed this and he could take it. Bella needed to fight back, so Jacob held still for a full minute. There'd been an incidence before and he didn't want her to break anything. He held his hands up in surrender before she wore herself out.

Her arms slowed down and the words spewed out, "You can't do this to me, jerk! Stop being stupid. This is macho bullshit. I'll leave if you don't listen and I don't mean to Dad's. I'll disappear, Jacob Black and you'll never find me. Is that what you want?"

He grabbed her hands and held her clenched fists. She was huffing air trying to catch her breath. Her punches didn't hurt, but they knocked some sense into him. Jacob spoke in a soothing voice. "It's okay, Bells. Slow down. Breathe in through your nose and let it out your mouth, slow. With me." He modeled the breathing technique for, all the while massaging her sore fingers. She resisted opening her fists. Realization came to her and she realized what she'd just done.

Her body slumped, "I'm crazy. I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. You're all red and blotchy."

"It'll fade and it's fine. I pissed you off."

"Yes, but I had no right to turn violent. I'm just as bad as…"

Jacob reached up to cover her lip. "No, it was the adrenaline. You're not violent, you're passionate about this. That's a good thing and I'm an ass. I hid this from you because you wouldn't understand. You're right, I've been reckless and it's not fair. I shouldn't make you afraid even if I'm confident."

"So, you won't go again?"

"No, not as long as you don't want me to, but that doesn't mean I'll never face a bloodsucker again. I can't promise that."

"I know. That's a fair compromise."

"Compromise is key for people that love each other. I love you, Bells. You know that, right?"

She nodded and then she looked down at how she was sitting. He didn't dare move a muscle in his lower half.

Bella eyed her side of the bed. "Wait, I… I"

"I love you too, but I can't, Jake. I'm sorry." She moved off and he instantly missed the weight of her.

"I wasn't. I mean, it's just…" he didn't want to pressure her, but this was an honest moment. "It's just, I was hoping we could start somewhere. Only when you're ready. Slow, maybe a little more, you know."

"Of course, I know. We live together, sleep in the same bed and have strong feelings for each other. I'm damaged, but I'm still human. You take showers all the damn time. I feel so guilty."

"Don't. It's fine. All I mean is it's nice to be close to you is all. I like it when you touch me. I'm a guy, and you're so beautiful, but I swear, I'll be patient. Don't feel guilty."

"I don't even know what first step to try without getting overwhelmed. My mind tells me the truth, that you'd never hurt me, but I can't help the way I physically react. We're different in my heart. It's like I'm already there if you can believe that. I'm sure I'm not making sense. You're right. We should sleep."

"Yeah, we should sleep, but can I hug you for a minute? Sometimes, I ache for more than a brush of your skin. I'm not talking about the ache that forces me into an ice cold shower. It's deeper than that. It's inside my soul and you can trust me. I swear I have the self-control of Tibetan monk… years of practice."

She nodded, "Slow, a little at a time, nothing sensual, okay?"

"Sure, sure. You go first, so I know what you're comfortable with."

Bella turned on her side and Jacob followed suit. They were staring in each other's eyes. He was anticipating her touch and his heart was already racing. She was extra slow, but her hands slipped around his neck. Their eyes never lost contact. Now it was Jacob's turn. He contemplated where to put his hands. She stopped him before he touched her.

"Wait. I said nothing sensual."

"I haven't even touched you."

"Well, stop looking at me like that. It scares me."

"Scares you in a bad way?"

She thought about it before answering, "No, but I feel like I'm about to hyperventilate."

"Honey, I think that's a good sign." Then he took a chance. He slipped one arm around her torso. She didn't resist, so he pulled her closer, not too close. They used to be at ease with physical contact and this was awkward at best, but Bella didn't freak out. Progress. Peace. Contentment. He waited on her and she snuggled in until her face was close to his neck.

One hand slid across his chest and rested over his heart. "I love feeling how alive you are." It was almost always the place she touched when she felt comfortable.

Jacob held her a little tighter. "We both are. You'll see. You're just as alive as I am." For the first time, they went to sleep wound together without waiting for their unconscious selves to take the lead. They had a long way to go. He wasn't fooling himself, but this new journey just made a beautiful turn.

~Thanks for reading.

Thoughts and endless praises are always encouraged. ;)