Koichi pressed his palms into his skull, trying very hard to focus on the summer homework before him. It seemed wrong somehow, to go back to something so normal after so much had happened. A part of him, a part he was still getting used to, felt such things were beneath him. Like he was better than school. Which was ridiculous because this math was absolutely defeating him. Obviously he still had a great deal to learn, but his frustration made him angry. No not angry… irritated. He remembered being this impatient when he was younger, how quickly bitterness had built up inside him. When they'd gotten back from the Digital World he'd thought maybe he'd done some learning and grown out of that. The realization that it had been extracted like a tumor was unsettling. And now that tumor was back. Now he'd need to do that growing. Which was probably the real source of his irritation. Koichi was irritated that he was irritated and that was infuriating.
A soft creaking noise followed by a click told him that someone had entered the room. He looked up from the papers to see Ysault, standing with her hand resting on the doorknob. She looked very uncomfortable in Izumi's lilac skirt and white top, though it was fairly modest. The skirt extended to the ground in flowing folds and the top had long sleeves; it was just that her shoulders were bare and a strip of pale flesh around her stomach was visible. Her honey hair was once again braided and over one shoulder, her brown eyes both inquisitive and demanding.
"May I," she asked, blinking at him. Koichi smiled back, waving her over.
"I could use a break anyway."
Ysault gave him a little grin, settling herself stiffly on the bed. He turned in his chair, leaning back and giving her an appraising look. It was unclear if either of them knew why she'd come. At the same time, it seemed perfectly natural for her to be there. The shared experience of the Dark Ocean hung between them.
"Is it difficult? You're homework, I mean."
"It shouldn't be," Koichi scoffed with a hollow laugh. She tilted her head to one side and he rephrased. "I used to understand this."
"I know what you mean," she breathed back, eyes dropping to the floor as a sad smile wrinkled her face. After a moment she seemed to make a decision and continued, whispering: "I remember that the Ocean… having it inside you was…"
"You can say it. It made you empty but stronger."
"It's sick, but a part of me, the part that It let out, misses It."
Koichi gave her a shocked look and she wilted for a moment. Then she seemed to reconsider, raising her eyes knowingly. Now it was Koichi's turn to recoil. He swallowed, moving his eyes to the window. Ysault let out a sigh, shifting her weight.
"I wish I didn't…" he confessed in a low voice. "I wish I'd never encountered It. I wish I'd never-"
"But it happened. Neither of us can pretend otherwise."
They sat in silence for a moment, staring at each other. Finally, Koichi reached across the space and grasped Ysault's hand. Her breath quickened and she bit her lower lip.
"I'm trying to understand why. I'm trying to remember the way I used to be and how I let things get so out of control."
"You didn't let anything-"
"I think I did. The Ocean was the first thing that ever told me it was okay to be the way I am. Everyone else, even Dorian and Bahar, they put me on a pedestal, as if I was some kind of pure saint. They treated me like I was perfect, but I felt unnatural, deformed, and I was angry about it. Only I wasn't allowed to be angry. I wasn't allowed to be a person. I-"
"Ysault," he said. "Asexual is not a deformity. And being kind doesn't make you perfect."
"Yes, I know. And I'm okay with that now. But Koichi, no one understands why I went to the Ocean. They just slink around like I'm made of glass. They blame themselves but they don't know what for. Before they never saw me and now all they see is that person I became when It was in control. I'm more myself than I've ever been and still they look at me like they don't know me at all."
"So much has happened, can you really blame them?"
Ysault pulled away, folding her arms as if cold and looking back towards the door. Koichi tried to catch her eye and then, when he failed, continued.
"Izumi and Takuya are two of my best friends and Koji is my twin. Before that's all there was to it, but now… Takuya helped drug me and strapped me to a chair while Izumi just watched. Koji lied to me, knocked me out, and got himself kidnapped. I understand why, and I don't know what I would've done differently in their position, but I'm still upset. And I also remember them by my side when I was at my worst, refusing to abandon me when I hurt them, saving me from myself. Which just makes me more upset. I can't really be angry with them and still I can't forget… any of it."
"I still want to be friends," she sighed innocently. "I don't want- no, I won't let the Ocean take away my friends. I won't let it win."
"Does that make it easier? To just stubbornly forgive them."
"I don't know if forgiveness is the right word… Maybe you're right and it's that I can't blame them. Dorian did what he did for me, to bring me back. I know that's of little comfort to you, but to me it means a great deal. Even when he learned I'm not the person he thought I was, even when I became the worst version of myself, he stood by me and tried to defeat me. And Bahar had and has her own challenges; she's different too. That made her denial of the way I am hurt all the more. But she's trying, just like Dorian. It's just frustrating how hard they're trying, if that makes any sense."
"No it does," muttered Koichi, leaning back. "Your friends care about you and fought for you. Even if they made you feel broken, even if they pushed you, that still has to count for something."
"So did yours. So did your brother."
There was a breath that seemed to last for minutes while they both tried to find the words for what they meant. Each knew the other's feelings, each understood what it was to have Tache inside and be reborn from that experience. Still, they wanted to articulate it. Words have power and, it seemed to the two, they'd only be able to move forward after they found those words.
"How it all happened…" Koichi started. "I want to be angry- no, I am angry. I can't let myself deny these sorts of things anymore. Our friends, our family, the world at large, their blind eyes pushed us into a corner and Tache was the only way out."
"You can't say that; it's not so one-sided. We made our own choices too."
"Which is why I'm angry. I just want things to be the way they were but I'm not that person anymore. There's this thing inside me now that I have to watch and no one's ever going to look at me the same way again. There's no going back."
"Maybe "going back" is the wrong way to think about it." Ysault rubbed her lips together, her eyes flicking from the door, to Koichi, and then to the window. "The objective truth is that we're different from how we were before the Ocean- before Tache. We changed in a very difficult, very public way and there's no getting around that. Pretending otherwise will just put us back where we started, where the Ocean found us. So maybe we should be thinking about "starting over" instead."
"With everyone? With all the history that's already there? Ysault, you can't just remake your relationships."
"A new chapter then. Of course it will be an adjustment. I've been this quiet, passive person my whole life. I never told anyone if they were making me uncomfortable or said anything if I was hurt and I was praised for it. Now I can't do it anymore. I don't need praise; I need to be myself. I have to be who I truly am, even if no one likes her. That's going to be hard for a lot of people, but I…"
Her eyes slid to Koichi and their gazes locked.
"I trust that my friends and family love me enough to stay with me. Anyone who leaves is someone I don't need anyway."
"You're very decisive," Koichi chuckled, causing Ysault to wrinkle her nose as she smiled.
"What about you," she redirected. "What will you do?"
"Turn the page, same as you I guess. But it's different for me because the part that Tache exploited was excised for so long. Ever since that first encounter in the alley though… I feel like a child again, throwing tantrums, and I don't know how to control it."
"Trying to control it is your first problem, I think. Anger is natural, you just have to express it in a healthy way."
"Not by selling your soul to an Ocean made of evil?"
"No, not by doing that," she laughed, pulling her braid from one shoulder over the other. "But in all seriousness, I think you need to be okay with getting angry. What you did in the Digital World, when you rejected the corruption, that was all your own work. The patience and compassion you've shown since are still a part of you. Give yourself some credit and remember who you are."
His expression darkened and he looked away, staring very pointedly at the summer homework. Ysault frowned, tilting her head as she tried to determine what, exactly, she'd said wrong.
"Who I am… Who we are is tainted."
Pause.
"That's a cruel way to think of it."
"Ysault I know what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it, but no matter how you look at it we're touched by darkness. We spread darkness. We have to be sure that darkness never hurts anyone again. It's a lot to accept about yourself."
"Inflicting pain on others is inevitable and thinking you'll never hurt anyone is naïve."
Koichi's head jerked, his face twisting in bewilderment. In sharp contrast her features were hard and certain, maybe even a little offended. She spoke in a low, musical tone that silenced the world.
"That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. It takes conviction to be a good person and effort to be kind. It's a decision you have to constantly make. We chose wrong once, that's true, and that will follow us. Yet saying we're tainted forever is very shortsighted. Tache took that choice away while It was in us, but we overcame It and won our lives back. What defines us is the choice we're making now. Do you understand me?"
"You know the Ocean is still out there. It could come back."
"Well it is welcome to try. And every time It does the Digidestined will be there to throw It back, just like you said. Whatever the case, I know one thing for certain: It will not take me."
"Me neither."
"Let's make it a promise." Ysault stood suddenly, holding out her hand towards Koichi. For a moment he considered. Then, smiling, he grasped it and allowed her to pull him to his feet.
"Never again," he said, meeting her determined stare with one of his own. She grinned back at him, nodding.
"Never again."