Dear God, y'all. It's been a MINUTE. The last time I posted was BEFORE I SAW IX. Geez!

So, as I imagine it has been for everybody in some way shape or form thanks to HELL YEAR *laughs to keep from sobbing*, the last 8 months were really, really hard. I didn't have the energy to write. Like at all. Not having WiFi and having a very temperamental computer did nothing to help that, either. Buuuuut, we beat that yucky mental yuck back (kind of?), we got the Wifi, and we got a new computer, so we back! Aaaaand we may or may not also be working on a new project (a resurrection from the olden days, is more like it), so stay tuned!

Hugs to all of you in all corners of the world. It's a right big mess out there (my southern is showing saying that, haha!), and I know its very scary and draining. Love your families and friends and critters, say your prayers, take deep breaths, and do fun stuff to get your mind off the yuck, like watch RoS (which I really enjoyed!) or Clone Wars (also REALLY enjoyed that, but who was cutting the damn unions?!) orrrrrrr GO READ FREE FALL! I have it on my shelf but I haven't read it yet, so no spoilers, haha! I've heard fantastic things though! I'm excited!

I missed your beautiful faces. It's good to be back and to finally be feeling better! Happy reading!

Chapter 6: Pipedreams

"Captain Dameron?"

The words fuzzed through Mila's ears like a shoddy comms connection. She couldn't breathe.

"Mila."

She gaped at the tears flooding Luther's face. At the blood.

You can't control yourself.

There was so much blood...

You're a monster.

Was her nose broken?

If they didn't hate you before, they sure as hell do now.

Her nose was broken.

"I…" Mila choked on the word. The world around her spun. Her stomach warmly churned as bile slithered up her throat. "Hang on, Lieutenant. Just let me… let me-"

"Captain…" The same voice from before, sounding just as far away.

Her medpack rattled in her hands as she fumbled for something to stop the bleeding with. She yanked out a cravat-not ideal, but it was the first thing she found.

"Here." Mila moved to hand it to Luther, only to be shoved away.

"Get away from me!"

It was the hardest blow dealt.

Help from the medbay finally arrived, but they might as well have been ghosts to Mila as they helped Luther stand and led her away. A hand gripped Mila's shoulder, and she jumped.

"Easy, Captain." Kalonia, as steady as if nothing had happened. "Look at me."

Frozen in place, Mila could only stare at the blood on her knuckles. The world started spinning.

You're a monster. You're a monster. You're a monster.

"Mila."

Her heart pounded so hard her eyes rattled. Blood sloshed in her ears. Panting turned to hyperventilation.

Run.

Run!

She took off without a second thought, her demons driving her into the shadows of the hangar. Hiding place. She needed to find one now. Tears blurring her vision, she darted behind an old A-wing, one gritty with rust and bruised with carbon scoring, a shell of what it had once been.

Covered by the cool darkness, she clawed at the floor and vomited.

"I can't find her, General." Poe clenched his comm hard enough his knuckles had turned white as he jogged up a tunneled flight of stairs and out on to the flightline. It was nearly dark. "I checked all of her spots on base. Asked her colleagues. Even the med droids. She just…"

He stopped, a wobbly hand on his hip as he blew out a hard sigh. "She disappeared."

"She's never done anything like this before, Poe?"

"Not that I know of, no. And I would know. She tells me everything."

Right?

Leia sighed. "As long as she's hidden, she's a threat to herself, maybe-and I hate to say it, Poe-to others on base-"

"She won't hurt anyone. She's just-"

"Shell-shocked and shaken by what she's done. What she thinks she's become."

Poe paused. How the hell did Leia know about-

"I fought a long war before this one, Poe. I saw a lot of good men and women break like this time and time again. I knew the second I met her on Hosnian Prime. It's awful. And if she isn't found, it could get a lot worse for her."

Poe swallowed hard. She didn't have to tell him that.

"If she's stable, bring her to me. If not, I'll see you both in the morning. We've got a lot to sort out. Organa out."

The comm clicked off. Numb, Poe stared at it in his hand, the stark white disorienting against the black of his flight gauntlets. What a mess. He'd never in a thousand years thought it would get to this point, but here he stood, everything in him screaming to do the next thing, but he couldn't move.

What was he afraid of? He'd helped her back to reality so many times before. He'd do it again.

Hopefully.

"I turned the hangar upside down, Commander." Karé wasn't much better off than he was. "I sent BB-8 back to look again, in case I missed anything. Jess went back to the medbay. Iolo's talking to Major Kalonia. I think L'ulo and Snap are checking the barracks. And you checked officers' quarters?"

Poe nodded, his eyes unable to leave the ground.

"We will find her, Poe. We'll all suit up and fly over the woods if we have to."

"Better not come to that."

"Hopefully it doesn't. But still."

A voice across the flightline: "Karé!"

Poe turned in its direction. Jess shot out from beneath the cover of the hangar, the tension that had been in her shoulders for the past several hours melting away. Did he dare be hopeful?

"BB-8 found her!"

Mila hardly registered BB-8's cool metal side under her hand, the vibrations tickling her skin as he beeped, or the rough permacrete under her seat bones. She ached, though she was too numb inside to do anything about it. Her bones were so weighed down that she could hardly move them. At least the acidic reek of the vomit had disappeared-or had she gone noseblind to it?

Her heart still pounded as ferociously as it had when the incident started. It hammered in her ears, made her head pulse. And it had been hours since the first blow fell.

She could run. She probably should run. Any second someone would come flying over the rusted fuselage that sheltered her, binders in hand and a blaster set to stun. The charges wouldn't be dropped this time.

Heavy boots echoed through the hangar. One pair. She could take him, then. Or maybe she'd just let whoever it was arrest her and throw her in a cell somewhere. No resistance. She would deserve it, after what she'd done.

The footsteps slowed. Mila didn't look up.

"Here to arrest me?" she croaked. She shoved her wrists together and threw them into the air. "Get it over with."

"You scared the hell out of me, Mila."

Finally she raised her eyes to him, and automatically wished she hadn't. He wasn't angry, was he?

Mila scoffed. "I scare everybody."

Poe's boots scraped against the permacrete as he knelt in front of her. "Kinda stinks in here, huh? All that fuel and coolant. Wanna come with me, get some fresh air?"

If he was upset with her, he'd shoved it aside, for now. She didn't know how to read him. She could hardly read herself.

Answer him, dammit. Talk. It's not hard.

His fingers brushed hers. Testing the waters? Hoping she wouldn't try to kill him, or she wouldn't knock him out again? Probably.

His hand encased hers, warm and gentle and steady. The usual comfort of his presence shot through her. Her vision blurred.

"I might hurt you," she managed, barely whispering. "Did you see what I did to her? I-I'm a monster."

"No, you're not."

It all tumbled down on her at once. Her cheeks burned. Her stomach threatened to revolt again. She started to shake.

"Clear sky. Stars are out." How was he so calm right now? "Come see."

Without dropping her hand, he stood back up, and she let him pull her to her feet.

He led her out of the hangar, past the flightline, and into the plush grass beyond it. Mila dropped herself to the ground, still lacking the energy for a full conversation, but the sweet scent of pine and dried leaves that floated on the cool wind streaming up her nostrils soothed her mind a little. Poe sat down next to her, propped on an elbow and watching the stars.

The grass groaned against Mila's hands as she yanked it out of the ground, something in the sensation of the roots giving way drowning out the noise in her head just a little more.

"You're awfully quiet," Poe said.

She pulled more fistfulls of foliage out of the dirt, harder and faster. "They may take my command. Could claim assault. Was it assault? I don't know; maybe it's—"

"You gotta tell them why, Mil."

Mila's hands went slack, the wet balls of grass rolling to the ground. Her eyes bored into the ground.

No.

"Force forbid, if something else happens, that could help you. General Organa and Kalonia are here to lead us, and part of that is making sure you're in fighting shape. Right now, sweetheart… you're not."

"Wow. What an observation."

"I'm serious, Mila. I'm worried about you. And there's only so much I can do to help you through this."

With a huff, she turned back to the grass. "You found me, didn't you? You got me out here and I'm feeling better. Bam. All I need."

"Why are you afraid to tell them?"

As always, he saw right through her. Of course he did. Mila sighed.

"What will people do, Poe? Everyone here thinks I'm a hero, and I don't want to let them down. They see this—" she motioned to her head "—and they won't want to follow me in. Or out. Or anywhere. They won't trust me."

"By the time the real fighting starts, if you do what you need to do, doc, then you might be better by then."

Mila scoffed. "That's a pipe dream."

"Don't you want to be?"

"Of course I do, Poe! I just… this isn't something that just goes away. I'll be lugging this… this stuff around for the rest of my life."

Poe rubbed her back. "Then maybe it's time you learned how to carry it."

"It's not that simple," she snapped.

"What if it is?"

"It's not!"

"Harter could show you how. That's one of the reasons she's here, right?"

"Oh, she definitely can't know."

"Why not?"

"For the same reason the general can't!"

"She does, Mil."

Mila's eyes bugged, and she wheeled on him. "You told her?"

"No!" He held his hands up, as if she were pointing a blaster at him. "Kriff, no! She just… she figured it out."

Mila's eyes dropped. Yeah, blame the one person here who wants to help you more than anyone else. Real good strategy to keep him around. She buried her face in her hands, her fingers clawing at her scalp.

"And she wants to help you. She really, really does. We all do."

"Can we...not talk about this anymore? Please?"

Poe's comm beeped from his pocket, and he answered it. Mila couldn't hear him over the roaring in her ears. She wasn't sure she wanted to.

"We'll see you tomorrow morning, General. Dameron, out."

Mila risked a glance at him from behind her palm. "What did you do?" she groaned.

"I didn't do anything," he said. "But you've got some people in high places who have your back."

Have your back? They want to throw you in a cell. They'll court marshall you. What if they discharge you? Or execute you? Or… or…

"I don't need it, Poe. Whatever they wanna give me." A trial. That's what you'll get. "I'll…. I'll be fine. I promise."

You most definitely won't be.

Poe's hand found the small of her back, then her hip. He tugged her close to him, and she let him. She rested her weary head on his shoulder, listened to him breathe. Even let her burning eyes drift to the sky. It could be her last night looking at it.

"You're gonna get through this, doc."

She hoped he was right, but it was hard to believe.