"G'mornin', Inoko," Naruto yawned the next day. I looked up from the bomb I was making in surprise. I wasn't actually expecting either of them for a while yet. Except - Oh. It was about time for them to be here. So much to do, so little time. "Ugh. It's too early for any of th- Are you ok?" He frowned at me.
"Yeah, why? Am I bleeding?" I was pretty sure I ran into a tree a couple different times. I scowled at the thought. Birch tree, I will defeat you. One day, I will have my revenge.
"Your eyes are… How much sleep did you get last night?" I blinked.
"Sleep? Oh, none, I've been here since dinner setting up traps. I would be careful out there, I put a large clump of paper bombs somewhere over…" I spun around, frowning. "I don't remember where I put them, actually. Oh well, I'll just make more." They weren't my problem anymore, ahaha!
"You have a problem," Sasuke said flatly, appearing nearby. He did actually look mildly concerned, which was more expression than he normally showed.
"Yeah, it's called insomnia," I snorted. "Mix it with nine cups of coffee, and I have all the time in the world to set up traps!" I laughed (a bit maniacally, I'm sure Ino would say) and ran a hand through my hair. Huh. I ought to redo it before Kakashi got here and started putting us through our paces.
I pulled out my hair tie and tied it back up. "That reminds me!" I pulled another travel mug out of my pack. "Coffee? No? Ok." I drank half of the cold liquid in one go. "Alright!" I said cheerfully. "I'm ready." An explosion went off nearby. "That… wasn't supposed to go off for another couple hours."
"You have multiple problems," Sasuke amended.
"I already knew that, idiot. Bagel?" I didn't give him the option to accept before taking a bite. "Could use some cream cheese," I muttered to myself. "I know I brought some…" I rummaged through my bag, confused as I found a cluster of kunai I could have sworn I put in one of my traps. "Did I seriously put the cheese there? Oh well, that's why I brought the other peaches. You guys want some?"
"Sensei told us not to eat," Naruto said, confused. "Won't you get in trouble?"
"It wath a thuggethtion," I said with a mouthful of bagel. I popped a strawberry in for good measure. Swallowing, I continued, "At least I'm pretty sure. I'm banking on him not being here for at least another two hours, aaaand that reminds me. Naruto, could you send like three shadow clones to get hot coffee, cream cheese, a history textbook, and four pieces of cardboard? I could also use some chocolate, a yellow poppy, and a cup of coffee. It is very important that the poppy is yellow."
"You said coffee twice," Naruto frowned.
"Did I? Huh. Well, that ought to tell you how badly I need it." Did I actually need the coffee? The fact that I had a hard time detecting the separate beats of my heart said probably not. Eh. I survived college, I could survive a one time caffeine overdose. "Here's the money, just send off some clones, please." He blinked in surprise, glanced at Sasuke, and made the clones. They ran off like the devil himself was chasing them. "Ok, now that that's taken care of," I muttered, twirling a lock of hair around my finger. "What was I going to do…?"
I stared blankly into space as Naruto whispered to Sasuke, "She's kind of scaring me."
"Right!" I screeched suddenly. "I was going to… wait. That's not going to work…"
"You said that you've been setting up traps, right?" Sasuke said after listening to me mumble to myself for a while. I jerked up and got in his face. He pulled back a little.
"Oh, don't mind me," I said, not blinking. I plucked a strand of hair from the duck butt and inspected it. "What were you saying?"
"... Where did you place all of your traps?"
"Hmm, not going to say. Naruto, I need a strand of your hair."
"Why not?" Naruto demanded as Ducky - I giggled to myself as I thought that - glared at me.
"Hm? Oh, because of my analysis of Sensei. He'll likely be too lazy to fight us himself, so I set the traps for you guys." Will these do? I wondered as I compared the hairs. "And if he does fight us himself, then hopefully some of my traps will get him."
"And if they get us?" Sasuke asked.
"Then there's a reason they taught us kawarimi in the Academy, silly," I rolled my eyes. "Just be faster than my traps, and good luck with that! Oh! The clones are back~"
Quickly tearing through the food, I absently watched the boys out of the corner of my eye. They were… wary. On their guard, because I had shown that I was a potential threat.
Bet they weren't expecting that.
A grin curved the corner of my mouth. This will be good. If I can just make sure that they have enough training during the chūnin exams… No. They'll not have enough training to deal with him. That won't happen for a long time. I was in a grim mood now. Great. Just focus on passing Kakashi's test, Inoko.
I left the two of them to reset a couple of timed traps, check the triggers on a few others, and set up the last three. When I got back, they were both leaning against the wooden posts, ignoring each other. I stuck the poppy in my braid and brushed my bangs out of my face.
"Why did you want the history book, Inoko?" the other blond on the team asked.
"You'll see," I said slyly. I could have sworn I heard a soft "eep" come from him, but I ignored it. Time passed, and Sensei still didn't show up. Normally, I would have been using the opportunity to nap, but after all the coffee I had ingested, all I could do was bounce my leg at inhuman speeds while sitting on one of the posts. There was nothing else I could do. Triple checking my traps would be futile. Best to meditate and practice my sensing a little while I could.
"Hey, teme, are humans supposed to be able to vibrate like that, 'ttebayo?"
"... I don't think so."
Oh, there he was.
"Morning everyone," Sensei said once he arrived, looking entirely too casual for being as late as he was. Should I have said something to the boys? Maybe. Was I way too deeply immersed in caffeine to say anything? Absolutely, this was going to be grreeat! "Ready for your first day?"
"You're late!" Naruto shouted in my ear. I jumped, my limbs finally finding the will to move.
"A black cat crossed my path, you see," he lied cheerfully. "So I had to take the long way." The boys stared at him, clearly wondering if he actually thought we believed him. "Well then. Let's get started." He pulled an alarm clock out of his bag and placed it on one of the wooden posts. "It's set to go off at noon," Sensei explained. "Your assignment is to take these two bells away from me before then."
"Is negotiation an option?" I asked. If there was one thing I had learned from hanging out with Shikamaru, it was to take the easy way out when possible. Smart-lazy, my mother in a previous life once called it. Plus I wasn't sure how effective I'd be in a fight as hopped up as I was. Time had stopped existing a while back.
"No," he said flatly, then kept going in a normal voice. "If you can't get them, then you won't get lunch. You'll be tied to one of those posts while I eat your bento in front of you." He pulled three bentos from his bag and - holy frick on a stick, were those deluxe Akimichi bento boxes?! The stakes were real now, and nothing could be more important. Well. Passing the test and actually becoming a genin was probably more important. But the bento was a close second. Naruto screeched in horror as Sasuke stared at Kakashi, clearly annoyed.
"Man, am I glad I disregarded that advice!" I said cheerfully. "I offered you guys some food, but you said no!" Turning serious, I gave Sensei a flat stare. "What's the catch, Sensei? Either you misplaced a bell, or you're trying to pit us all against each other." He laughed.
"You're right, you are smarter than you look. This way, at least one of you will be tied to the post, and ultimately disqualified for failing. That one goes back to the Academy." He jingled the bells. "Then again," he mused, "all three of you could fail, and go back to the Academy. You can use any weapon at your disposal, any jutsu you know. If you're not prepared to kill me, you won't get the bells." I see, I thought, hardening my expression. People hold back when they're not trying to kill. He's testing our abilities, and the only way to do that is if we actually are trying to kill him. Clever. He's a jōnin, so the chances of us actually injuring him are low.
"You couldn't even dodge a chalkboard eraser!" Naruto laughed. "We'll probably end up needing a new sensei if we try to kill you."
"In this world, those who aren't skilled enough tend to complain more," Sensei said. "You can safely ignore them. Lowest scores. Losers." Naruto growled.
"He's baiting you, Naruto," I said quietly. "I have no doubt that he read up on us this morning, or even before we even met him."
"When I say start, you can begin," he continued. My warning evidently fell on deaf ears. Naruto pulled a kunai out of his holster and charged him. Kakashi moved faster than my eyes could keep up. Impressive. One of his hands held Naruto's head, and the other grasped the kunai with Naruto's hand attached, holding it so the point was directed at the soft spot where skull and spine met. "Don't be in such a hurry," Kakashi scolded. "I didn't say start yet."
Man, I had to get one of those bells. The things he could teach me…
"But ninja are sneaky little tricksters, Sensei," I mused. "Shouldn't we attack before the enemy thinks we will?"
"Perhaps. But not today. However, you came at me with the intent to kill, so… how can I say this?"
"Begin?" I suggested.
"I'm actually starting to like you guys," Sensei said with a note of amusement. "Get ready." I jumped off the post and settled into a stance. "And… start!" Sasuke and I jumped away into the forest. First things first: find a hiding place that I haven't boobytrapped. It… wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, though by the flare of annoyance I felt occasionally, Sasuke was having a much harder time. I settled into a tree with a basic henge, suppressed my chakra to the absolute bare minimum, then sat back and watched the show.
"Ninja must know how to conceal their movements and hide effectively," Kakashi said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, Sasuke and Inoko understand that much… They've hidden well." Then he noticed Naruto standing on the post I had recently vacated. It was slightly wobbly under his feet.
"You and me, pal!" Naruto shouted. "Right now, fair and square! Let's go!" Sensei's chakra resembled nothing more than 'is he actually serious' and a hint of something I figured to be exasperated fondness? That didn't make much sense… I frowned, trying to remember things from a previous life. I need to sleep, and then mind walk myself. I don't remember shit.
"You know, compared to the others, you're a little bit… weird," Kakashi said.
"I'm weird?! Have you seen Inoko?!" Wow, Naruto, thanks so much. "Stop trying to distract me! The only thing weird here is your hair!" I like his hair… It looks soft and fluffy... Naruto charged him yelling, but pulled back as Sensei reached into his weapons pouch.
"Shinobi Battle Techniques, part one," Sensei said casually, pulling his hand out. "Taijutsu." An orange book came out, open about halfway. It was all I could do to contain my laughs at the look on Naruto's face. I knew that book. I'd seen it in the bookstore before, and had taken a look at the insides. Some of the mushiest, overly dramatic, and unrealistic romance I'd ever read. Oh, and lots of smut. I'd only gotten a dozen pages in before I was caught and there had already been seven gregarious sex scenes. Judging by Naruto's reaction, he also had a pretty good idea of the contents of that book.
"What the…?!"
"What's the matter? Weren't you going to attack me?" Sensei asked, his eyes glued to the pages.
"But… I mean, why are you reading that book?!" Poor Naruto, he looked so confused and utterly flabbergasted. What a great word, flabbergasted. Fuh-lllllabbergasted.
"Why? Because I want to find out what happens next, of course. Don't let it bother you. With your weak attacks, it doesn't really matter if I'm reading or… whatever." Naruto screamed in frustration.
"I'm going to tear you apart!" he roared. Sensei easily blocked his punch and ducked under his spin kick. He still hadn't taken his eyes off the book. Naruto punched, but just before his fist connected with Kakashi's face, the jōnin vanished. "Huh?"
"Ninja shouldn't let the enemy see your back multiple times, idiot," Sensei said, crouching behind him. His hands are in a Tiger hand seal, likely meaning that it's a fire ninjutsu. But he said that he was using taijutsu, so it's probably something else. Hopefully. Meh, he'll be fine. Probably. "Too late. Leaf Village Ultimate Taijutsu!" I could swear his eye was glinting. "One Thousand Years of Death!" he shouted, shoving his fingers - up Naruto's butt. I choked on a laugh and bit my hand to prevent myself from making a noise that could reveal my position. Naruto screeched and jumped away, landing in the water. I hope he washes his hands before eating or anything. E Coli is no joke. "Ok. Where was I?" he said, pulling his book open again.
Two shuriken shot out from the water as I felt a burst of chakra there as well. Shadow clones? I mused as Sensei caught each shuriken on a finger. Naruto crawled out of the water, sputtering and gasping for air.
"What are you doing now?" Sensei sighed. "You're not going to get lunch if you don't get a bell."
"I know!" Naruto snapped. "You told us already!"
"You look pretty wobbly for someone who's going to 'surpass the Hokage'," he continued.
"I can't fight if I'm hungry!" he shouted. I popped a strawberry in my mouth. Good thing I grabbed my supplies before I bolted. "I just got a bit careless earlier! Man, I'm hungry… but I got to get a bell! I'll find the strength somehow… I'm going to pass this stupid test of yours, and I'm not going back to the Academy." For the sake of the world, I sincerely hope not. "I will become a ninja!" Having said that, shadow clones burst out of the water and ran towards Kakashi. "You were overconfident, Sensei! That's why you weren't ready for my favorite jutsu!"
"Your clones may be solid, but you're still the worst student. You can't beat me with this jutsu." That's about when a Naruto grabbed him from behind. I could probably use the Mind Transfer Jutsu right now, but there's a risk of hitting one of the clones, and I don't particularly feel like it right now, plus I have absolutely no idea what would happen to me if I did that. Why are they holding down his legs and not grabbing the bells?! A final Naruto jumped into the air and pulled back his fist.
"This is for nailing me in the butt earlier!" he shouted. Then Naruto punched himself. And there's a kawarimi. Sensei went to the Academy too, you know. But of course, Naruto's brain went straight to the henge, and all of them began beating each other up until one of them got the bright idea to dispel all of the clones, leaving one Naruto standing.
The glint of a bell caught Naruto's eye, and mine as well. Well… I could, I suppose, but… nah, that was cheating. On second thought, ninja were supposed to cheat, right?
Didn't I stick a snare trap there…? Naruto went bouncing up into the air. I guess I did. Sensei lazily approached, leaned down to pick up the bell, and - now!
I switched with Sensei, scooped up the bell, and stuck it in my bra. "Ha!" I laughed, then kawarimied again with a nearby log. I found another hiding spot and waited. At least it's not cold, I thought as the bell pressed against my skin.
"Hmm. Not bad," Sensei sighed. "I guess that Inoko gets lunch, at least. Naruto, think before you use a jutsu. An opponent might use it against you otherwise. Oh, and also… if the bait is obvious, don't take it. Idiot." Naruto snarled and writhed around. "A ninja must see through deception."
"I. Get. It!" he howled.
"I'm telling you this because you don't get it. You think you get it, which is not the same as actually getting it. Your movements are wasteful. Won't you ever lea- Agh!" Some of Sasuke's kunai and shuriken hit him. Oh dear. That looked painful.
"Agh! Sasuke, you killed him! Agh!" Naruto screamed. I had felt the kawarimi, though, so wasn't too alarmed. Ah, the joys of being reincarnated and being ultrasensitive to chakra. 'Kakashi' poofed into a burst of smoke and revealed itself to be nothing more than a log. Sasuke began to move. I closed my eyes and focused on the various chakras around me. Sensei was a decent distance away, thankfully. He was also hiding his chakra, but hardly at all. Underestimating me, Sensei? Well, I should probably cut Naruto down and then find Sasuke.
I stood at the base of the tree and watched him hang for a few moments. He scowled at me.
"Please don't get caught in such an obvious trap again, Naruto," I sighed before throwing a kunai. He landed on his head pretty hard. Oof, that had to hurt. "Ne, Naruto, if you help me defeat Sensei, I'll share my bento with you. Sound good?" His stomach growled in response as he stared sullenly at the ground by my feet. "I'll take that as a yes. You find Sensei - or better, hold our lunch hostage, and I'll find Sasuke."
"Right!" he said, cheering up almost instantly. "Thanks for the help, Inoko, I owe you one!" I closed my eyes as he ran off, and focused on Sasuke's chakra. There. I took off, keeping Sensei and Sasuke in my mental radar and - wait, why were there two Senseis?
… Shit.