A/N: Please note that if you leave a review as a guest, I can't reply and thank you directly, but I do appreciate your feedback just the same. As proof, this chapter is dedicated to a guest who left me a prompt (and those who are worried about the Straw Hats not having a cook). :P
Guest on Jun. 24th: I think it would be funny if Sanji also ordered Zoro how to cook.
By the way, prompts are always welcome, but I can't guarantee I'd be able to do them with my limited writing ability.
Sanji Kitetsu Chapter 3
Sanji is overjoyed to find that his moss master's pirate crew includes two ladies, two gorgeous red heads each with her own brand of feisty personality. It's such a shame that he can't do anything beyond admiring their beauty from afar, being stuck to the shitty moss who's always exercising on deck. He'd much rather spend his days in the women's dorm watching the studious navigator go through mountains of maps at her desk or in the kitchen listening to the fiery cook's constant and charming laughter throughout the preparation of every meal.
Today is one of those rare occasions where Zoro decides to finish his morning routine and head to lunch early, one of Sanji's lucky days where he gets to watch their beautiful new cook do her passionate cooking dance around the kitchen. But even a wonderful day like this can be tainted by the presence of his mannerless ape of a master.
Hey shitty moss, Carmen-chan's cooking! Did anyone ever tell you it's rude to sleep in the presence of a lady who's working? Sanji tears his attention away from Carmen's dramatic laughter as she skins and slices an onion while spinning. His master snores loudly in response, letting his stinky and sweaty body sink lower into the corner of the walls.
Fuck, at least shower before you come in here! You're contaminating her precious work environment! Still, he hears nothing except for Carmen's angelic laughter and low snoring.
Do you hear me? Get up and clean yourself, or do I need to cut some manners into your thick skin?! Sanji yells over another string of sweet laughter.
"Shut the fuck up will you? You're annoying as hell! I'm trying to take a nap here, you know!" Zoro finally wakes up and shouts at his sword. Sanji watches in horror as Carmen gasps before throwing her knife in the sink and running out the door in tears.
Go after her, you idiot! Sanji demands.
"What? Why? What's her problem anyway?" Zoro lazily rubs his eyes.
You raised your voice at her and made her cry, so go and apologize!
"Huh?!"
"I'm hungry! Is there food yet?" Luffy pokes his head through the door.
"Zoro what did you do? Carmen came into the women's dorm crying that she never wants to see your face again." the other gorgeous red head pushes the captain aside and walks into the kitchen.
"Iono, not my fault. I was just napping." Zoro yawns.
It was ALL your fault you shitty moss brain! Sanji hisses.
"So is there food?" Luffy and his stomach whine at the same time.
"Anyway, she doesn't seem to be in any condition to finish cooking, and Luffy can't wait much longer. You started it Zoro, so you do something about it." Nami waves her delicate hand and turns to the door.
"What? Why should-" Zoro starts his protest.
Do NOT talk back to Nami-san like that! Go and check what we have first. I'll help you, so shut up and get to work, shithead! Sanji urges.
"Tch, like you'll be any help! What can you do? Chop things for me?" Zoro mutters, but Sanji ignores him and examines the half cooked lunch for the crew. It's not as bad as he thought. The bread and butter are fresh from the morning. The steaks and side dishes are resting on the rack and can be served in a few minutes. There are even desserts and drinks in the fridge. All that's missing is the onion soup Carmen-chan started preparing for, and all the ingredients, including the broth, are ready to go. If they serve the main dish first, the soup should be done in time.
Melt the large butter stick in that pot over medium heat. Remember to keep stirring.
"Since when do you get to order me around?"
Do you want my help? Or do you want to screw this up, waste your crew's precious food, and let your captain starve? Zoro glares at Sanji's blue gem for a few seconds before obediently turning on the stove.
Make sure you stir the whole pot, not just a fixed circle. Butter burns easily, so any part you don't stir will burn.
"Who cares! It's all the same once it's in your stomach, right?" Zoro kicks a rubber hand away from the resting steaks.
Burnt food causes cancer, so just do what I tell you already, shitty moss. His master shoots him another look of impatience and complies.
Good. Now add the onion, thyme, bay leaves, and half a teaspoon of salt.
"Time? How the fuck do I add time?!"
T-h-y-m-e. It's a spice. Should be in one of the bottles on that rack. There, the third one from the left on the bottom shelf. No, LEFT! How can you not know the difference between left and right at your age?! Wait, how much are you planning to put in?! Don't open the cap! You'll dump the whole bottle in! Just a shake or two will do.
"You're fucking annoying. Give better instructions already!" Zoro slaps another rubber hand with his ladle.
It's called common sense, you bastard! Stir and turn down the heat! It's gonna burn if you move any slower! Three bay leaves will do. Be careful not to break them. We need to take them out later.
"What's the point of that?" the man huffs and reaches for the salt.
Half a TEASPOON you idiot! That's a fucking ladle! See that spoon in the salt jar? Use that!
"Say that sooner next time. How would I know which one you want?"
Only a fucking moss brain like you would not know the difference between a teaspoon and a ladle! Now stir and set the oven to broil.
"To what?" Zoro cocks an eyebrow and pinches a rubber hand out of the bread basket.
Broil. It's on the knob in the middle. And call the crew in for lunch.
"But it's not done yet."
It'll be done by the time they finish the main dish. Just do it.
"Luffy, call the crew in for lunch." Zoro says to the boy who's been making unsuccessful attempts to steal the steak and bread the entire time. Luffy cheers and pokes his head out the door to relay the message.
"Who were you talking to, Zoro?" Luffy turns to the swordsman before the rest of the crew arrives.
"My shitty cooking instructor." Luffy gives him a puzzled head tilt and shrugs.
Be grateful, shithead. You'd thank me when they find out you didn't ruin their lunch.
"Yeah, thanks for the help." the swordsman hums and returns to stirring, sounding surprisingly sincere.
A/N: I do find Carmen's laugh obnoxious, so I can't say I'm sorry. XD