Title: Maybe Love
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Chapter Four: Maybe Memories
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It's the day of the funeral and Morgana is barely able to hold it together. For maybe the first time ever, she relies on Merlin to be the one to take the reigns. She knew today was going to be hard. She hadn't known just how hard it was going to be.
As Merlin gets Iggy ready, she sits on the edge of the bathtub and stares at the white and blue tiles on the bathroom floor. Her chest feels tight, her heart feels heavy, and her eyes feel like they're about to fall out of her head as she tries her best not to cry.
Her hands shake as she balls them into fists. She's devastated and angry. Angry at the world, angry at the dumb fucking driver who hit her friends, angry at Merlin for being able to keep it together when she can't even go two minutes without wanting to burst into tears. She's angry at the situation they're in, and she's angry at Gwen and Arthur for leaving her here... alone... with Merlin of all people to take care of their daughter.
Everything is just so hard. More so than usual. She inhales deeply as she looks at the mirror and stands up to face it. Her eyes are red-rimmed and bloodshot from the lack of sleep last night. Knowing that they were going to be saying their final goodbyes to their best friends today made it hard for her to get any sleep. Merlin was dead asleep, not even stirring when she kept getting up to go to the bathroom to secretly cry her eyes out.
She's startled by the sound of a knock on the door, and she quickly takes a tissue, dabbing at the tears in the corner of her eyes.
"Hey, are you ready yet?" Merlin calls through the door. "Iggy's getting fussy."
Morgana takes a deep breath before finally unlocking the bathroom door and stepping out. Merlin is sitting on the edge of the bed they've been sharing for the past couple of days, gently bouncing Iggy on his leg.
"I'm ready." She says softly, even though she feels anything but ready to say goodbye to their best friends for good. Seeing their bodies will be tough, but she'd wanted to see them anyway before they become cremated.
Merlin straps Iggy into her car seat as she sits in the passenger seat, staring out of the windshield. They'd agreed that they would take one car today to save on gas and parking spaces... she thinks Merlin only offered because he noticed the way her hands shook this morning when she was making breakfast for Iggy.
As they drive down the road, Morgana watches Iggy through the rearview mirror. The little girl is quiet, almost falling asleep several times. It's when they're at a traffic light that Merlin turns his head towards her and asks, "Are you okay?"
Morgana snaps out of her thoughts and looks at the man beside her. "What?"
"I asked if you're okay."
She stares at him for a moment before replying. "We're saying goodbye to our friends today, for the last time. Do I look like I'm okay?" She didn't really mean to lash out at him, and she instantly regrets it when he nods and begins driving again when the light turns green.
"Sorry I asked." He says quietly.
Morgana sighs heavily and shakes her head. "I'm sorry... it's just— hard."
"I know." Is all Merlin says before it's quiet again.
The funeral service is short and beautiful. All of Arthur and Gwen's family members and close friends were present. They'd played a slideshow of all the pictures Merlin submitted online, and Morgana couldn't help but let her tears fall. One picture in particular stood out to her. It was a picture that was taken of the four of them together, back when Arthur and Gwen first started dating 10 years ago.
She remembers that night like it was yesterday. Partly because it was the night when she was forced by Gwen and Arthur into a double date with Merlin, and partly because it was one of the only nights when she allowed herself to feel anything for him.
She stares at nothing as they drive back home, though her thoughts keep going back to that night. It had been one of the best nights of her life— mostly. She remembers the way Merlin had gaped at her when he came by her flat to pick her up.
"You look even more beautiful in person." He'd said softly as he held his hand out to her.
"Thank you." She grinned widely and put her hand in his. She admired him in his suit. "You don't look too bad yourself." She'd said as she eyed his cheekbones. He looked absolutely handsome.
She really was attracted to him then... she supposes, he still is attractive (probably more so now than before— the man ages like fine wine), but what she knows about him now almost completely trumps his physical appearance.
As they walk into their living room, Merlin immediately goes up to the nursery and begins changing Iggy out of her formal little dress and into a pink onesie. He comes back down, carrying her in his arms, to find Morgana downing an entire glass of wine. He says nothing as he takes Iggy and puts her in her play area with all her toys. Iggy immediately starts crawling over to her toys, playing with her musical rhymes book.
Merlin turns and looks at the kitchen where Morgana is still standing, now pouring herself another glass of wine. She doesn't even wait a moment before she's knocking the glass back again. "You should slow down." He says softly as he approaches her.
Morgana looks at him and glares. "You should mind your own business." She spat.
Merlin sighs as he stops and leans over the counter. "I'm just trying to help."
Morgana snorts as she pours yet another glass. "That's rich, coming from you."
Merlin's eyebrows furrow at her. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Morgana shrugs as she take a large gulp from her wineglass. "You're not the helping type."
"What?" Merlin asks incredulously. "I'm always helping people whenever I can."
"Because it makes you feel good about yourself." Morgana deadpans. "Not because you care."
Merlin glares at Morgana then as he reaches over the counter and snatches the bottle of wine out of her hand. "You should go get some sleep." He says sternly. "You're clearly upset."
Morgana scoffs at him as she raises her hand to wipe her mouth. "I'm not upset. I'm just telling the truth." She stops to drain the rest of her glass before reaching out to try and take the bottle of wine back from Merlin.
Merlin immediately pulls the bottle away. "What the hell are you even talking about? I've always cared about people." He says with narrowed eyes.
Morgana glares at him. "Give me the bottle, Merlin."
"No."
"Give it to me." Morgana walks around the counter, prompting Merlin to back away from her and hide the bottle behind his back.
"I said no."
Morgana grits her teeth and balls her hands into fists as she stomps her foot angrily. "Damn it, Merlin! Just give me the bottle!"
Merlin is just about to yell back at her, but he's interrupted by Igraine's sudden startled cries. Morgana's eyes widen as she looks over at the play pen, realizing that she'd startled her with her yelling.
"I— I didn't mean to startle her—".
Merlin scowls at her as he hands her the bottle. "I'll be upstairs with Iggy."
He takes her up and plays with her in her nursery until she falls asleep. After putting her down and checking the baby monitor, Merlin finally goes into the room and changes into his casual clothes— a white shirt and black basketball shorts. He checks on Iggy again before making his way back downstairs to check on Morgana. She may be a pain in his ass, but he understands why she's upset today.
He finds her sitting at the dining table, nursing what is possibly her last glass, if the empty bottle in front of her is any indication. He says nothing as he goes to the refrigerator and grabs himself a beer. He drinks half of it in one go before he makes his way over to Morgana. He still doesn't say anything as he takes the seat across from her.
Morgana looks up at him for a brief moment before returning to staring at her glass. "Is— is she asleep?"
Merlin nods. "Yeah."
Morgana inhales deeply as she nods repeatedly. "That's good. She needs her sleep."
Merlin takes a sip of his beer and looks down at the table. "What time do you have to be at work tomorrow?"
Morgana shakes her head as she looks at him. "I already told my boss that I won't be in to work this week... he knows about what happened to Gwen and Arthur... and about Iggy. I'll be with Iggy all week so we don't have to take her to the daycare until I go back to work."
Merlin takes another sip and looks at her with a sort of sad look in his eyes. "I heard you last night." He says quietly.
At first, she doesn't know what he means... and then she remembers how she'd cried through the whole night. She glares at him again. "You were awake?"
Merlin nods. "I didn't want to disturb you or anything."
"So you just laid there pretending to be asleep!?"
"What would you have me do?!" Merlin snaps at her. "Follow you to the bathroom and hold your hand while you sobbed on the floor?"
"You could've just said you were awake so I didn't have to keep running to the bathroom!"
"I thought you needed to use the bathroom!"
Morgana drops her forehead to her hand and sighs heavily. "I don't even know why I expect you to do anything. You literally never do anything right."
"Okay, what the fuck are you talking about?" Asks in exasperation. "You said something similar earlier about me not caring."
"Well it's true." Morgana deadpans.
"Where is this even coming from?!"
Morgana suddenly pushes her chair back as she grabs her wineglass and begins walking away. Merlin doesn't let her get very far, suddenly up on his feet as well and following her.
"No." Merlin grabs her hand and forces her to turn around and face him. "I know today is tough, but whatever you're holding against me doesn't really have anything to do with Gwen and Arthur."
"Let me go, Merlin." Morgana says sternly, angrily, as she tries to pull her hand out of his. It's to no avail, for his hand is much larger than hers, and definitely stronger than hers.
"No." Merlin replies harshly. "Tell me what the fuck you're angry at me about."
"I'm alwaysangry at you!" Morgana says furiously. "Now let me go!"
"Then tell me why you're angrier than usual!"
"I don't have to tell you a damned thing!" Morgana tries her best to pull away, but Merlin only pulls her harshly towards him, ending with her flush against his chest and her wineglass shattering on the floor beside them. Despite the high-pitched sound of shattering glass, neither one of them breaks from each other's hold and stare.
Morgana is breathing heavily, her eyes staring into Merlin's blue ones and her free hand on his shoulder. The one in Merlin's is trapped between their bodies, tingling from the lack of blood circulating under Merlin's grip. She thinks he's going to let go, maybe even push her away. But instead, he says it again.
"Tell me."
Morgana couldn't help the way her mind automatically flashes to that day ten years ago.
...
"It'll be great!"
"No." Morgana shakes her head for the third time. "Double dates are so overrated, Gwen. It's weird, awkward, and a waste of time. I'm not going to put myself in that position, and quite frankly, Arthur befriends the most horrendous men. Not to mention, every single one of his friends that I've met or seen, look like they came straight out of an I'm-not-Morgana's-type book."
"That's not even a thing!" Gwen argues with hopeful eyes.
Morgana glares at her friend. "It is now. I'm making it a thing. Anyone who is Arthur's friend is either unattractive, or rude and unattractive."
Gwen sighs exasperatedly as she gets her phone out and dials Arthur's number.
"What are you doing?" Morgana asks suspiciously.
Gwen grins at her as she puts her phone on speaker. "You'll see."
On the third ring, the blonde man answers with a brief, "Yes, my love?"
Morgana pretends to gag at the endearment, prompting a small laugh and eye roll from Gwen.
"Hey. Erm— so I'm here with Morgana right now."
"Uh-huh."
"And she's refusing to go on a double date with Merlin."
Morgana snorts. "What kind of name is Merlin?"
"Funny." Arthur quips with a hint of humor in his voice. "Merlin refused as well before saying the exact same thing about Morgana's name."
Morgana's eyes widen as she jumps to defend herself. "What?! Morgana is a very common name!"
"I'm sure it was... a very long time ago." Arthur teases. Gwen snickers softly as Morgana rolls her eyes.
"Shut up." Morgana says flatly.
"Anyway," Gwen cuts in before Arthur could reply with something that'll make Morgana angry. "I was wondering if you could take a picture of Merlin and send it to my phone."
Arthur goes silent for a moment, then asks slowly, "Why?"
"So Morgana can see what he looks like." Gwen replies matter-of-factly. "I kept telling her that he's really good looking and has cheekbones and a jawline that could cut through a block of cement—".
"Hey!" Arthur interjects defensively. "I'm your boyfriend."
Gwen snickers softly. "Aww, I only have eyes for you, my love. You're more handsome than any—". Gwen stops talking at the disgusted look on Morgana's face. "Erm— right, and I thought that maybe if she saw what he looks like, she would agree to at least meet him."
"That's actually a good idea. And maybe you can take a picture of Morgana so Merlin can see what she looks like as well."
Gwen smiles widely and looks at Morgana. "That'd be perfect."
Morgana nearly disagrees again, but she's actually genuinely curious. She'd been told of the jawline and the cheekbones on this Merlin guy. But she thought Gwen was only saying it to get her to agree. Gwen knows she has a weakness for those sharp jawlines and high cheekbones. She stays silent as Gwen continues on.
"Okay, remember to take three pictures. One from a high angle, one from the front, and one from the side."
"So a mugshot?" Arthur asks with a laugh.
Gwen giggles, despite Morgana not seeing what's funny. "I'll send you three pictures of Morgana to show Merlin."
"Cool. I'll see you tonight?"
Gwen nods enthusiastically. "Of course."
They hang up, and Morgana raises an eyebrow at her best friend. "Three pictures?"
Gwen chuckles. "To capture all angles in case there's an angle you might not like."
Morgana rolls her eyes and sighs heavily. "Fine. So if I don't like all of Merlin's angles, I'm not going on that stupid double date."
"Deal." Gwen says gleefully as she gets up to get her camera from her room. "And no backsies!"
Morgana stares after her friend, wondering how she's so confident that she'll find the Merlin guy attractive. Is he really that hot?
An hour later finds Gwen's phone buzzing. She checks her message from Arthur and smiles widely at the pictures he sent. "Dear God, he really does have nice cheekbones." She mutters absently, getting Morgana's attention.
"He sent them?"
Gwen looks up and nod. "I'm about to send your pictures too."
Morgana says nothing to that as she sits up and looks expectantly at Gwen. "So let me see him."
Gwen smiles widely as she raises a finger. "One moment, please."
Morgana huffs as she waits. After Gwen sends her pictures, she finally turns her phone over and shows Morgana one of the pictures that had been sent from Arthur's phone.
Morgana takes the phone from Gwen, letting her eyes adjust for a moment. It's a side portrait, and her eyes immediately dart to the sharp jawline. From this angle, he actually really looks amazing. He has just a bit of stubble that adds rather than takes away from his good looks, and his hair is slightly tousled. Morgana hums as she glances up at her friend who has an abnormally large grin on her face. God, she already knows my type and knows I'm into guys who look like— well... Merlin. Fuck.
The next picture is one from a high angle, captured from just above him, but tilted down to catch his hair, nose, lips, and holy fuck— his cheekbones. Morgana raises her head to glare at Gwen. "I hate you." She says half seriously.
Gwen laughs at that. "Is it the one with the cheekbones?"
Morgana nods and pouts. "It's not fair. You know I have a thing for cheekbones."
Gwen snickers softly as Morgana returns to admiring the photo.
She frowns and asks, "Jesus, is Arthur a skilled photographer? Or does this Merlin really look like this from that angle?"
Gwen leans over to look at the image again before shaking her head. "No, he really looks like that. Arthur takes horrible photos."
Morgana continues to skeptically inspect the picture. Her eyes keep going back to his cheekbones and the slight shadow they cast onto his cheeks. Motherfucker, she thinks as she swipes to the last photo.
The last one is a front facing photo, and this time, instead of the relaxed face, she gets a slightly grinning face from the man. It's the last photo that actually does her in. The goddamned dimple, the wavy- slightly tousled hair, the deep blue eyes, the perfectly proportioned nose, and the lips. He looks like a bloody model. "What the fuck, Gwen?" She looks up and glares some more. "Did you find him in a magazine or something?"
Gwen squeals with delight. "Is that a yes?!"
Morgana huffs and rolls her eyes. "I— I don't know... if he wants to go on a date after seeing my picture, then yes."
Gwen practically jumps up and down as she pumps her fist into the air. "He already said yes!"
"Wait, what?!" Morgana cries incredulously. "When?"
"An hour ago." Gwen shrugs. "Arthur has tons of pictures of me and you together in his phone."
Morgana glares half seriously at her friend. "Then why'd we spend an hour trying to take pictures of me?!"
Gwen shrugs, "To hype you up."
"Then why'd you send my pictures?"
Gwen snorts. "I didn't. I sent Arthur a text."
Morgana swipes down on the photo of Merlin and scrolls up to the last text that Gwen sent.
We both know she's going to say yes. Cheekbones, jawline, dimples, eyes from an anime character. Case closed.
"Gwen!"
Gwen snatches her phone out of Morgana's hands and sprints towards the door, stopping to shoot her a sheepish smile. "I'll text you his number!"
...
She has been on many dates before, but tonight will be the first time she's been this nervous. Her heart is hammering, her stomach is fluttering, her hands are clammy, and her eyes keep darting towards her phone.
"What the fuck?" She whispers to herself as she picks up a folder from her work and begins fanning herself. "It's not like I've never been on a bloody date before."
She jumps a little when her phone rings. She looks down at the caller ID. She'd been expecting his call, but it still surprises her. His name flashes across her screen, and she takes a deep breath, clears her throat, then finally answers.
"Hello?"
"Err— Morgana?"
She smiles a little, albeit nervously. He has a nice, deep, and soothing voice. "Yes. Merlin, right?" She asks as if she doesn't already know his name.
"Yes, that's me." He chuckles softly. "I'm actually about five minutes away from your place. I thought I'd give you a little warning before showing up at your door."
She almost sighs. A gentleman. How adorable! "Oh, thank you. I'm actually almost ready now, so your timing is perfect." That's a lie. She's been ready for almost an hour.
"Great. I guess I'll see you soon."
"I'll see you soon." She grins widely.
The call ends, and she finally makes her way out into the living room. She pours herself a glass of Pinot Grigio, hoping it gets rid of the nerves... It doesn't. She ends up pacing in her kitchen, until the knock finally comes.
She takes a few deep breaths as she makes her way over, stopping briefly to check that she's presentable, before finally unlocking and opening the front door.
Her first thought? His pictures don't do him justice. The man himself is tall, which is perfect since she'd actually worried about his height, earlier in her room. He has really fair skin for a man, and the stubble really adds a sort of rugged, manly look to him. And then, there's his jawline, his cheekbones, and that bloody adorable dimple on his right cheek. She nearly melts to the floor at the look he's giving her, eyes hungrily feasting on her face, her body, her dress, even her shoes.
"You look even more beautiful in person." He says softly as he holds his hand out to her.
"Thank you." She smiles widely and puts her hand in his. She admires him in his formal suit. "You don't look too bad yourself." She mutters as she eyes his fitted suit. He looks absolutely handsome.
He chuckles, his eyes crinkling into what she can only describe in the way Gwen did in her text— anime character eyes. God, he's dreamy!
"Shall we?" He asks politely.
Morgana doesn't waste any more time, nodding to him and excusing herself quickly to turn off the lights and grab her clutch from the kitchen counter.
Together, they make their way down the steps and to Merlin's silver Audi A7. She silently thinks she's found someone who actually drives something that isn't a truck or a Jeep. Nothing wrong with those... it's just that she has literally never dated a guy who didn't drive a truck or a Jeep. This is a nice change. "Are Gwen and Arthur meeting us there?" She asks absently.
"Yes. They decided on dinner, a movie, and maybe some dessert later on in the city." Merlin opens the door for her and smiles. "I hope you're okay with that."
As Morgana climbs into his car, she smiles up at him. Once seated and buckled in, she nods at him. "Sounds fun." She says truthfully.
He grins at her, closes her door, and makes his way around to the other side.
...
Their night couldn't have been more perfect. While Gwen and Arthur were making out like a bunch of horny teenagers in the movie theater, she and Merlin had actually sat side by side, sharing popcorn, and occasionally glancing at each other. The connection and chemistry between them was unmistakeable. Morgana definitely felt it, and she'd wanted to see where things were going between them. That is, until he'd excused himself when his cell phone buzzed in his pocket.
She'd smiled and giddily grinned to herself as she took a sip of her drink. It was then that she realized that she really needs to empty her bladder. She was going to tell Gwen that she'll be back, but the girl was too busy with Arthur's tongue down her throat. Morgana made a face as she left the theater, heading down the hall to the nearest restroom.
When she comes back out, she stops abruptly at the sight of her date, leaning against the wall as he continues talking to whoever is on the phone. She's just about to just go back to the theater and wait for him there, but then she heard him say her name.
She stopped immediately and listened intently.
"Yeah... look I know, but— she's not really my type."
Morgana's jaw goes slack as she glares at the back of his head.
"I mean she dresses okay. But— she's a little too high maintenance for me."
Morgana looks down at herself as her face reddens. I am not high maintenance!
"And she's a little clingy."
Her face turned red as her hands clenched into fists. She can't remember a single moment when she'd been clingy. She'd been the perfect example of sophisticated, elegant, kind, and polite. She'd laughed at his jokes, complimented his maroon socks, paid attention to his story about how he got the offer from Arthur's work company, and opened up to him about her own life. If she's completely honest with herself, it hurts. She finally finds a guy who she likes and is extremely attracted to, and then she finds out that he thinks she's clingy and too high maintenance?!
No. This is where she's calling it quits. She does not do something petty like punch him in his stupid handsome face, or break his phone, or throw a tantrum. Instead, she goes back to the movie and pretends that everything was okay.
When Merlin returns a few minutes after her, she does not look at him. She remains that way for the rest of the night, unbothered and cold. By the end of the double date, she was ready to climb into her bed, dressed in pajamas, with a whole tub of ice cream, watching a gore-y movie filled with fighting, blood, and flying male innards.
Merlin had tried to act like he liked her, which she'd almost applauded him for. The acting on his part was so good! She'd almost believed him when he said that he had had one of the best nights of his life. She'd almost leaned up and met him halfway when he'd looked like he was about to kiss her.
She hadn't done any of that. When he was standing in front of her, looking like the world's sexiest, idiotic asshole, she had forced a smile onto her face and shook his hand. "Thank you for tonight." She'd said hurriedly. "It was definitely eye-opening." And without another word, she'd turned, unlocked her door, stepped inside, and slammed it shut behind her.
She'd cried for an hour that night. She's kind of glad that she heard what he'd said on his phone. If she hadn't, she would've been several dates deep, probably completely in love with him, only to be dumped later on because he didn't like her at all to begin with.
...
"Tell me".
She shakes her head at him, eyes glaring and nostrils flaring in anger as she recalls that date night. "I'm not high maintenance." She tells him with a shaky voice.
He stares confusedly at her before asking, "You're angry at me because you're not high maintenance?"
She continues to glare at him. "I'm not clingy." She says, ignoring his question.
Merlin stares back at her, blinking several times as his grip on her wrist loosens. "You're not making any sense, Morgana."
She finally looks away, down at his fingers around her wrist. "That's what you thought of me that first night."
Merlin shakes his head at her. "What?"
Morgana inhales deeply and looks back up at him. "Our first and only date... that's what you said... and I heard you." She doesn't wait for him to remember as she pulls her hand out of his. He probably doesn't remember anyways. "I'm going to bed." She turns and quickly makes her way upstairs and into the bed. She's asleep almost as soon as her head hits the pillow.
Merlin spends half that night trying to make sense of Morgana's words. He remembers their first date. It was a double date that took place ten years ago and he remembers having a great time with her... that is, until the night came to an end and Morgana blew him off and slammed her door in his face. She didn't answer his calls or texts after that, and when he asked Arthur, the man didn't have a clue. He just informed him that Morgana recently changed her number.
It was clear to him then that he was not Morgana's type. He knows when he's being rejected, and it really hurt to know that she felt that way about him. It hurt and it made him promise himself that he would never be with someone like her. It was from that day that he decided that he will never be her friend. If she doesn't want all of him, she can have none of him. Deep down inside though, it still hurt him.
He sleeps on the couch that night, feeling too angry at Morgana and the memory of their failure of a first date. For the rest of the night, he wonders what she meant by what she said. She'd said that he called her high maintenance and clingy? He never said or thought such a thing about her! He'd really, genuinely liked her and wanted to continue seeing her, but she made it clear that she didn't feel the same way!
Frustrated and upset, Merlin forces his brain to close out the memories as he shuts his eyes and tries to get some sleep. He has to be at work early in the morning.
...
A/N: I'll update this fic soon! Hope you guys liked this chapter. I thought it would be nice to go back to the beginning and add in a bit of Gwen and Arthur to the mix. I'll try to add a little more of their past in the next chapter. Thank you for reading! Please leave a review.
-McDiggin'It