Aramis

Nothing. When has this word started to define his feelings?

Why am I talking to him?

"Nothing?", Lemay asked his voice low.

Very painful nothing.

Aramis nodded.

"When has this feeling started?"

When I asked them to abuse me to save Athos…

"I needed to feel nothing when I decided to obey our tormentors."

"Had you known the outcome, would you have done the same?"

"Yes. Even if I had known that Athos wouldn't accept it."

"Do you accept it?"

"Yes. I do."

I'd do everything to save my brothers. I am at peace with that. So why do I feel so empty?

"You're a man of medicine. Will this feeling pass?", Aramis asked a bit timidly.

"It will. Though you should not expect that it will happen immediately. You have close friends. Talk to them. Let them help you."

Athos is angry at me. D'Artagnan is too worried about Constance. And Porthos is seriously wounded so how can I put more weight on him.

Aramis inclined his head slightly. He knew Lemay wanted to give him hope, but was there any? Was he truly seeking it? He needed respite from pain and despair but would he find it before it was too late?

He fled the room mumbling some thanks. Lemay did not try to stop him nor help him, for which Aramis was truly grateful.

He reached his brothers' room furious at the weakness of his body. He threw himself on his bed ignoring the pain it caused and the obvious query in Porthos' gaze.

"Mis?", the dark skinned musketeer was a stubborn one.

Lemay knocked and asked Calbert to leave the room with him to receive further instructions. Aramis was pretty sure that the physician wanted to give him and Porthos some time alone to talk.

"Leave me", Aramis mumbled.

He felt encaged. The helplessness of dealing with his emotions, or rather the lack of any emotions, was suffocating.

I just want it all to end. There is no strength nor faith left in me… still, I know that my death would jeopardize Porthos' recovery. There is no way out…

"Mis, come here, please.", Porthos asked and Aramis knew he was not able to turn down his wounded brother's plea. Porthos gave him some space on his bed and the marksman lied down terribly worn out.

"Has Lemay talked some sense into your stubborn head?", Porthos asked.

"Leave it.", Aramis growled.

"Mis…"

The only thing which may help me now is the intimate attention of a lovely woman but I know I won't tolerate it. Or a bullet in the head. This should also help.

"I can't, Porthos. I can't carry on. I'm so sorry, brother…", only when he finished he became aware he said it aloud. He froze.

"I know, Mis. And I do know I'm asking too much… but I thought you're dead and I cannot imagine going through this again. I can't lose you. I can't let you go, for I'll be doomed without you. I am so selfish, brother, but I need you!"

Aramis could not find any answer. He wished he had been able to grant his friend's plea but it seemed to be so terribly too much.

Suddenly, the walls of the room started to close in. There was no air to breathe. The marksman frantically got up.

"I'll be back", he mumbled in a probably vain hope that Porthos remained in bed and escaped the room. He needed to be alone. He needed to be outside. He stumbled on the stairs and probably would have ended up on their bottom on his face were it not for Treville catching him just in time.

The musketeer allowed his Captain to manhandle him in the direction of Inseparables' table and sat down on a bench.

Treville eyed him seriously for a moment.

"I need your report", he said quietly, "but I don't think you'll be able to reach my office."

Aramis wanted to agree with this assessment; however, he needed to give his report in private.

"Secrecy is required, Sir", he replied.

Treville nodded.

Climbing the stairs was a huge effort but it proved doable with the Captain's help, though by the top Aramis was soaked in sweat and shivering. Dark spots were dancing before his eyes. He was dimly aware of being sat down in a chair and of the smell of brandy reaching his nose.

"Drink!", Treville ordered. Aramis gulped the contents of the glass touching his lips.

He took a shaky inbreath welcoming the fire caused by the alcohol in his throat.

He lowered his eyes as if fascinated by the floor and started his report. His words as dispassionate as his voice.

He decided against hiding anything. He needed to present the rough truth to let Treville be his judge. He would accept his Captain's decisions. This one time in his life he needed the guidance his superior could provide him. He even briefly mentioned that Athos did not accept his choices.

Treville let the silence reign after Aramis' last words. The marksman felt his intense gaze.

"You're a brave man. You saved your brother, your King and your country. I am proud of you."

Aramis lifted his head in shock just to make sure the Captain was not mocking at him. But he saw only honesty in Treville's gaze.

"Aramis, it a true reward to have you under my command.", Treville must have sensed his doubts.

He wanted to protest but his leader silenced him with a gesture.

"I guess you feel horrible after your ordeal but I know it will pass. I believe in your inner strength Aramis. You show us how resilient you are. You're going to overcome this son… and if you are need, I'm here for you…"

Aramis felt his eyes prickling with unwanted tears.

"Captain, if Athos demands that I leave the regiment…"

"I hope that Athos regains his senses as he recovers. There is no way I would agree to you leaving. As I told you the first day we met - you're too good to be in the infantry."

Aramis tried to regain his composure. He nearly managed it, but then Treville pulled him into an embrace and every attempt failed.

The marksman felt like he fell into a black hole at the core of the emptiness of his being. He desperately gripped Treville's doublet. His very soul was shattering, yet no sound escaped from his mouth and his eyes remained stubbornly dry, even though everything in him was howling in pain. He was not able to indicate the source of his agony.

Was it his complete failure to protect his loved one? Was it Anne's pain and torment? The tortures inflicted on Athos? The possibly fatal wounds Constance and Porthos had received? Ultimately, was it his own agony?

"Aramis, your actions speak of your honor and courage.", Treville's firm voice reached him in his internal hell.

Courage? Honor? I doubt I have them anymore. But if the Captain's wish is to see me as a good soldier I will try to meet his expectations. To die honorably avenging my beloved Anne. I'll die making sure Rochefort won't hurt anyone else. I can do it. I owe it to all those I've failed.

I need to be fit for fight. I need to focus on it and keep going until I kill the monster. Then, after I'm gone, France will be a safer place.

Aramis knew that if it were anyone else's plan, he would protest loudly against it. It was a path leading to death. He was aware of that but in the meantime this thought seemed to give him an illusion of comfort he wished not to deny himself.

He drew in a shaking breath and slowly entangled himself from the Captain's arms. He knew that normally he would feel embarrassed by such an emotional display, but he could only feel relief to have found a suitable way out of the mess he had become.

"Thank you, Captain", he said sincerely. Treville caught his gaze and look into his eyes. Aramis shuddered as he felt that his leader saw much more than he wanted him to. There was a steel determination in Treville's eyes that cut through marksman's demeanor and seemed to touch his very core. However, after a moment of this scrutiny, the Captain nodded his acceptance.

"I count on you, Aramis, to help me end this mess.", he concluded.

"I won't fail you", the medic promised easily. This he could swear.

A/N

Many thanks to Legate_of_ Apple for precious remarks.

Sorry for the delay. I'll do my best to update more often.

I hope you still remember me!