The Queen's words shook me to my core. She knew, even if I didn't know for sure what it was she knew, I had to assume she knew everything.
"So tell me because I'm actually quite curious, is the child Robb Starks or the bastards?" she asks languidly, taking a sip from her goblet of wine. I couldn't speak, I had suddenly become stupid with fear. I was caught, I was trapped. The lioness had me backed into a corner and was ready to strike. I needed to think quickly, if I waited too long she would sink her claws into me and rip me apart. Gods where were my words?!
"The child is Robb Starks, there has been no one else. He is my Lord and husband, and the love of my life. There will never be anyone else" I tell her, passion radiating off of my voice and I thanked the gods for it. It seemed to pacify the queen at least, if only for a moment.
"Of course, forgive me, but just reading those scrolls, I couldn't help but wonder. You and the bastard seem close after all. Especially given the nature of the first raven scroll you wrote to him" she continues, taking another sip from her goblet as the crowd continues to cheer on the jousters.
"We shared a last name, nothing more" I reply, trying to sound emotionless, trying to be ruthless and cunning as she told me.
"Really? Prove it, write back to this Jon Snow, tell him that you're in love with Robb and having his child and never to speak to you again" she hisses at me, an evil glimmer in her eyes.
"Bring me a quill and it's done" I answer, not even thinking about what I was saying. Not thinking about anything other than myself and my child. She gives me a satisfied smirk and redirects her attention to the joust.
"You can compose your scroll and give it to maester Pycell, he'll make sure it gets delivered in a timely fashion. You have until the end of the night" she mumbles and slowly takes another drink.
I try to focus on the joust, but I watch with empty eyes as Loras Tyrell hands Sansa a favor before he gets ready for his turn. Knight of flowers they called him. He was so young, my age really, but so pale and blonde. Nothing like Jon. Oh, gods how could I do this? To break his heart would be to break my own. How could I do this? How could I write that scroll? How could I live a life of Jon hating me? How could I just push him away and toss him aside?
But then I remembered why. I subconsciously placed a hand on my abdomen, trying to hold and protect the baby within me. Jon's baby. Even if it would kill him, I would have to do it for her. From now and until the day I died, she was all that mattered. I remained at the tourney and when it was over I quickly walked off and away from the stands, to where Winter was waiting for me by the bushes.
"Hey girl," I tell her with a sad smile, kneeling down to run my hands through her fur, fighting off the tears that threatened to fall down my cheeks.
"My lady, are you unwell?" I heard Varys ask me from behind. I take a deep breath and stand back up, turning to face him with a smile plastered across my face.
"No Varys, I'm quite well" I answer, laying my right hand on top of my left as I stand there to face him. He looks at me skeptically.
"Forgive me if I don't believe you, it's no offense to you my Lady, but it does take practice to perfect the art of the lie," he tells me with a sympathetic smile, making the breath catch in my throat. Ruthlessness, the Queen was right, if I wanted to survive I'd have to become ruthless, I'd have to let go of my emotions, I have to let go of Jon.
"Is there something you wanted?" I ask, trying to cut the emotion out of my voice, but it remained. I had to clear my throat to stop the crack in my voice.
"A moment of your time if you'd please. If I may accompany you back to the castle?" he asks, rather boldly as he offers up his arm for me to take. I take his arm slowly and Winter rises to walk with us. We begin our walk rather slowly, behind everyone else, a safe distance from curious ears.
"I wished to be the first to congratulate you, both on your wedding and the child, but I fear others got to you first," he says softly. I keep quiet, not sure how to reply, or how long I would be able to continue this lie. I couldn't lose this game.
"It seems that you are not the only one in your family with a reason to celebrate" he whispers hurriedly. We both stop as I give him a confused look.
"Are you speaking of my sister?" I whisper back. He gives a small nod.
"There will be a small council meeting later today, I trust you know where, and we're discussing the very topic" he continues, staring at me hopefully. I nod to show him I understand and we begin our walk once more.
"I suspect you were the one who told the Queen of my joyous news?" I say softly, this time the emotion was out of my voice and I appeared confident. I was learning.
"Naturally, it is my job to inform and serve, it seemed only appropriate to tell her Majesty of your new found happiness" he confesses. But it was a warning, he may be trying to help me, but I had to be careful about what I put in writing.
"Of course, but I had wished to tell the Queen myself" I quip back.
"The Queen is not a patient woman, my lady, if there is news to be shared she will know about it before the day is out" he explains. We entered the castle and he stops, causing me to let go of his arm.
"Thank you for the company my lady, but I'm afraid I have other matters that need attending, I must hurry if I don't wish to be late," he tells me, giving me a polite bow before walking down a different hallway, towards the throne room.
"Come on Winter, how about we take another turn about the castle?" I suggest, trying to kill time and find the council chamber. She only continues to walk ahead of me, causing me to follow her. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering, they drifted from the Queen to Varys, Robb, Winterfell, and Jon. Maybe I could run? Winter and I could escape through the castle's crypts, we could make our way down the King's road and back to Winterfell and from there the wall. We could do it, it wasn't impossible, only dangerous. With my condition who knows how long I would be able to handle the walk, or if I would make it in time. I was so lost in my thoughts that I accidentally walked into one of the King's guards.
"Be careful my lady" he tells me, placing his hands on my shoulders to steady me.
"Forgive me ser, I'm afraid I was lost in my thoughts" I explain to the only knight, giving him a gentle smile. He smiles back.
"No worries my lady, your brother use to do the same thing," he tells me with an easy smile.
"You knew Rhaegar?" I ask curiously. His smile only grows.
"I was his personal guard before the uprising, he would wander the castle when he was younger, and he would tell me some days he would be walking and not understand how he got there, it caused him to get lost a couple times in his youth" he tells me with a warm smile, the memory seeming to please him. I can't help but smile as well.
"I wish I had met him" I admit and his smile turns into one full of sorrow and regret.
"Forgive me ser, but I don't believe I caught your name"
"Ser Selmy Barristan, my lady," he tells me with a respectful bow.
"It was a pleasure to meet you ser Barristan," I tell him with a smile.
"You as well my lady" he smiles back, bowing before he continues to walk away. Winter and I continue to walk as well, slowly making our way to the throne room where I suspected the council chambers were located. We entered the empty throne room and both stopped to look at the throne. Winter approached it curiously while I followed behind her slowly. This chair was the death of my father and the collapse of my house. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed cursed to me.
I watched as Winter sniffed the base of the throne before she continued to walk into the back. I followed her down the hall and told her to stop once we reached a set of oak doors. She sat obediently at my side as I peeked through the crack of the door. I could see Ned's back, the King, Varys, Renly, and Lord Baelish.
"She's only a child!" Ned shouted.
"She's a threat if one day her Khal and her child come to overthrow me..." The King bellows back.
"The Dothraki are afraid of the narrow sea, they will never cross and the babe is not yet born" Ned tries to reason.
"And if she gives birth to a son? I can't take that risk, she needs to be eliminated before the problem can turn into a threat!"
"You're condoning the murdering of a child! A child who has shown no threat to you or the Seven Kingdoms!"
"Stand down Ned! I am King and you are the hand! She will be executed and that is final!" the King shouts.
"What of her sister, the one here at court?" Lord Baelish asks curiously "It's rumored she's with a child as well"
"She's only a child herself and she's pledged loyalty to you, Robert, she isn't a threat, just like her sister," Ned tries to reason.
"Not yet, what if she decides to join forces with her sister? What if she's a spy plotting my death?" Robert says.
"Who has put these words in your mouth, the Robert I know would never suggest such a thing" Ned spits back at him. The King stayed silent, and Ned got his answer, as did I.
"I never knew you to bend to the whims of women" Ned spits, cause Robert to lash out at him, but Ned takes the pin off his shirt and places it on the table before him. I can't hear what he whispers, but it can't be good because Ned turns towards the door and starts to quickly storm out. As I see him approach I quickly try to make my way down the hall so he doesn't see me.
"Rhaella?" I freeze and slowly turn around. He stands a little ways away with Winter sitting by his left.
"Lord Stark, what a surprise," I tell him, feeling my smile turn into one full of guilt. He releases a heavy sigh and strides over to me.
"Come, we have much to discuss," he says softly and walks past me. Winter and I follow him to the Hands tower and his private study. Once I enter he shuts the door and moves to sit at his desk. I stand there awkwardly in my red silk dress, watching as he sits down and pours himself a cup of wine.
"Sit, please," he asks and pours another cup. I slowly move to the chair opposite his desk and sit, Winter moves to my right side and sits as well.
"How much did you hear?" he asks as he hands me the cup.
"Enough" I answer, taking a small sip of the wine. He nods and takes a long drink out of his own cup.
"Is it true? Are you with child?" he questions, staring at me. I nod, not trusting my voice. He sighs and takes another long drink before pouring himself another cup.
"I won't ask who's it is...but you aren't safe here. I am no longer the hand, I and the girls are going to be leaving as soon as we are able, we're going to go back to Winterfell and you can't come with us" he tells me sternly.
"Why not? Winterfell is my home, I am betrothed to your son and heir, where else could I go?" I ask helplessly. I was playing a woman's game but I'm was only a girl. I can't survive here alone...we can't survive here alone.
"You could travel across the narrow sea, to your sister, out of reach and away from my family. I'm sorry, but my family comes first and if the Queen found out I took you back to Winterfell with me, my family would be the ones taking the punishment" he tries to explain. He looks at me sadly, the man I once thought of as a father, was abandoning me.
"I would never want to cause your family harm, but it is your families blood that runs through my child, I need to protect her and you said so yourself I'm not safe here. If I'm not safe than neither is she. Please, Lord Stark, I beg you, take me with you" I say, doing my best not to cry. He seems to be doing the same.
"If you can escape on your own, if you are very careful and can make your way North, we will offer you protection, always, but you cannot leave when we do, I will not put a target on my children's backs" he says, trying to be gentle but it only comes out cold and stern. I don't notice my tears until they start to blur my vision. I don't wipe them away, I want him to see my pain. I want him to see how he is condemning me and my child to death.
"Leave, run and never come back do you hear me? Find supplies and take a good horse, and be gone" he tells me harshly. I set my cup down on his desk and rise back up to my feet.
"Farewell Lord Stark" I answer emotionless and turn to the door, Winter follows and walks out of the room before me. But as I close the door I hear him mutter "may the gods forgive me".
Winter and I slowly make our way from the Tower of the Hand back to the Red Keep, back to my chambers. As we enter I close the door shut behind me and look around the room. Thinking of what I would need. As I started looking for a more hardy dress there's a knock on my door.
"Come in" I call, taking a deep breath and bringing a smile back to my face. My smile quickly becomes real when I see Sansa entering my chambers.
"Sansa!" I say with a relieved sigh, quickly moving towards her and giving her a hug. She stumbles a bit at my sudden encounter but gently hugs me back.
"Is something wrong? I didn't see you when you left the tourney, did something happen?" she asks me as I lead her to my bed, both of us taking a seat on the right side.
"I'm leaving," I tell her.
"What leaving? We've only just gotten here, you can't leave" she begs silently. I give her a soft smile.
"I need to go be with my husband Sansa, by the time I make it back, the child will be almost due. I want him to be able to look upon her when I do" I tell her, the lie easily falling off my lips. I hated how easy it was to lie to her.
"That's very romantic, but you can't go alone, is the Queen sending guards and maids with you?" she asks me curiously.
"The Queen and King don't know that I'm leaving...it's a secret do you understand? No one must know" I tell her, giving her a stern look.
"I understand, but if you have to keep it a secret from the Queen should you really be doing this? Maybe she could send for Robb and he could stay with you here and live here with all of us" she offers up hopefully. Oh sweet child, if only you knew the truth.
"It's not that simple Sansa, I have to go back North," I tell her.
"But...but you almost died from the cold! If you go back to the cold you could be putting your life at risk, yours and the baby's" she reasons, making me falter. I had forgotten, the reason I came south in the first place, my body can't handle the cold.
"It's not yet Winter, I'll cover my self in fur coats and I'll have Winter to sleep by, she'll keep me warm" I counter, acting as if I've already thought this through, as if this plan was well thought out and calculated, not a rash decision made within an hour.
"No! You can't put your life at risk! You're carrying my niece or nephew, I won't let you run away and risk your lives!" she snaps at me stubbornly.
"Sansa I'll be fine-"
"No! If you go I'll...I'll tell the Queen, I'll ask her to bring you back here, where it's safe" she threatens.
"You wouldn't," I say, feeling my heart start to beat faster. My stomach starts to cramp up and my hands start to shake with fear.
"I would! If you are going to put yourself and the baby in danger I'll tell the queen and she'll make you stay" Sansa continues, her voice shaking a bit as she makes her threat. She stands up from the bed to look at me and she gives me a stubborn look, the Stark look. The look Robb gave me when we last spoke. The look Jon gave me about going South.
"Sansa please, don't do this, I need to go to Robb, don't keep me from him," I beg as she looks down at me.
"Then ask the Queen to send for him, I'm sorry but there is no other way. Now, do you promise to stay? Do you promise to stay here?" she asks me in all seriousness. I look at her, pleading with my eyes for her not to do this, but she stands there, unwavering, awaiting my answer.
"I promise," I tell her softly, hating myself for how easily the lie rolls off my tongue. Has this place already corrupted me? How many more lies would I have to tell? How many more lies before I drowned in them?
"Good," she tells me with a sigh of accomplishment. Oh, how I wanted to hate her for it, for how easily she was influenced, for the spell she was under, but I couldn't. I couldn't hate her for the things she didn't know, or for believing in a fantasy. If anything I envied her for it.
"I'm sorry if I upset you, but I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened to you, or the baby," she tells me with a look full of regret. I hold out my arms and pull her into a hug.
"It's alright, I understand. I want you to be safe as well" I mumble into her red hair, kissed by fire. Wouldn't it be more fitting if I had red hair and her hair was white? She was a lady of Winterfell, a true northerner, she should be kissed by snow. I was the blood of the dragon and old Valyria, a Targaryen, a girl of fire and blood, so why isn't my hair kissed by fire?
"Are you truly alright? Do you need anything? I can feel you shaking" she says as she pulls away from the hug, looking me over like a mother looks over her child. Why did she have to be tall like her brothers?
"I'll be alright, I just need some rest is all," I tell her softly, feigning weakness. She nods in understanding and makes for the door while I sit back down on the right side of my bed. I watch as she leaves and I wait, listening to her steps walk away from my chamber. I sit on the bed, weighing my options. Sansa wouldn't forgive me but in time she'd come to understand. I couldn't wait any longer, I had to leave. Now.
I quickly got back up and changed, to my old grey dress and riding boots. I pulled on an old brown cloak and pulled up the hood. I grabbed my direwolf necklace and gave it a squeeze for luck. I looked around my room for anything else I might need, but there's nothing.
"Ready Winter?" I ask. She rises and walks over to me and follows me to the door. I open it slowly and peek my head out, no guards thank the gods. I quickly made my way down the halls, Winter at my heels. I couldn't quite remember how I got to the crypts, so I trusted my gut and let my feet do the walking for me. I felt like I couldn't move fast enough, my feet were unable to catch up with the moving ground underneath me. But soon enough I found myself in the crypts, in the room full of dragon skulls.
I don't know why, but I was drawn to the chest. I immediately kneeled before it and purely out of instinct, I laid my hand on the lock. Somehow I knew the lock had to be melted and I'm not sure why, but I thought I could melt it. I tried, but I couldn't conjure my heat. It had to be there, somewhere deep inside of me, I could feel it simmering, but I couldn't reach it. Then Winter started whimpering.
"What is it, girl?" I asked, keeping my focus on the lock. But her whimpers turn into growls, causing me to rise to my feet. I back up against a wall as I watch guards come pouring into the room and right behind them, was the Queen.
"Ah, there you are child, trying to run?" she asks me with a sick smirk on her face. I open my mouth to respond but she answers my question first.
"Don't act so surprised, once you told darling Sansa your plans she came running to me, concerned about you and the baby. Loyal thing isn't she?" she says mockingly. I glare at her.
"You want me to leave anyway, why not just let me go? I could die on my journey, isn't that what you want?" I counter, trying to find a way out of this, hiding the hurt from my voice. I couldn't believe she'd betray me, she was a sister to me...
"Yes it was what I wanted, but things have changed. Guards, escort Lady Rhaella back to her chambers and make sure she stays there. I want her under guard night and day to make sure she doesn't pull another stunt like this again" she says with venom in her voice. One of her guards makes his way over to me and roughly grabs my arm, causing Winter to snarl.
"It's alright Winter," I say, trying to calm her down, knowing that the Queen would have her killed in an instant.
"You can keep the wolf with you, as a sign of my gratitude, oh and I still need that scroll," she tells me almost sweetly. She gestures her head towards the exit of the chamber and the guards drag me out, Winter follows. I'm practically thrown into my room and Winter comes to my side, rubbing her nose comfortingly against my arm as tears start to fall down my cheeks. I lay a hand on my stomach, trying to hold my child, trying to comfort it and in turn comfort myself. How?
I was now a hostage, something must have happened. They need me somehow, to get to Robb? To get to Sansa? For what? I was a pawn in the game, no longer a player. But I had to win, if not for me than for my child.
Jon,
I don't understand why you keep writing, I thought you understood that there was nothing between us when I married your brother and you bore witness. I now carry his child inside me, we are bonded by this child now for life. Something no one else can share with me. This will be my last raven to you, and I pray you do not reply because there is no reason to, you are nothing Jon, only a bastard on the wall, don't forget that.
~Rhaella Targaryen Stark, future Lady of Winterfell and wife to Robb Stark future Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.