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Jess kept her hands fisted on her lap the entire meeting. Mouse was a steady presence next to her. She didn't introduce herself. She didn't talk to anyone. And she definitely did not go to the front of the room to introduce herself, telling everyone "My name is Jess and I'm an addict." But she sat through the meeting. It was a step in the right direction. She glanced at Mouse.
He met her eyes and gave her a crooked grin.
It was a step. She was making progress. When the meeting ended, Jess steered clear of the refreshments and others in the group. She left the basement meeting room as quickly as she could, Mouse right by her side not pressuring her to stay.
The hallway was quiet when the door closed behind them.
"Thank you," she said softly. "Thank you for coming. For sitting through this with me."
"Yeah, of course. Anytime." Mouse rocked back on his heels. "So are you heading back to Jay's?"
"Yeah," Jess said. "He's picking me up soon." She let that hang in the air awkwardly.
"And you don't want him seeing me here with you," Mouse filled in.
Jess shrugged uncomfortably. "I just…Jay and Will don't trust my judgment right now. And I'm not in the best place, I know that, but I really don't need the two of them involved in this part of my life."
Mouse nodded. "Fair enough."
"Really?" Jess asked.
Mouse grinned and cupped her face in his hand. "I like you, Jess Halstead. I'm not going to screw that up by pissing off your brother."
Jess felt her answering smile. She stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss on his warm lips.
"So do I get to see you tomorrow?" Mouse asked.
"I can have Jay find me another meeting," Jess said. Her smile dimmed. "I might need it."
Mouse instantly sobered. "If we go to meetings and that's all we do, it's all good. Call me tomorrow."
Jess felt her stomach twist with guilt at the thought of the pills in her pocket. She should tell Mouse. He was so willing to help her. To be there for her. But she didn't want to screw this up. He was the one good thing in her life. The one thing that made her smile. She needed that. She needed him. But that wasn't fair to him.
Jess closed her eyes as he kissed her good bye. When he left, she felt the coolness of the basement around her. She zipped her sweatshirt and went upstairs to meet Jay out front.
#
He was going to kill Mouse.
Jay watched his best friend head out the side door and get in his car. It took all his willpower to sit inside his own car and not go hunting the traitor down.
It was Mouse sneaking around and hooking up with his sister.
It was a good thing his gun was at home locked in his gun safe.
He was so focused on Mouse, he didn't see Jess come out and approach the car until she opened the door.
"How was the meeting?" he asked tightly.
Jess was subdued. She looked out the window. "It was alright."
Jay's jaw was clenched too tightly to say anything more. He put the car in drive. Jess didn't break the silence.
When they got to the Jay's building, Jess followed Jay up to the brightly lit apartment.
"I'm tired," she said. "I'm going to go to bed."
Jay nodded. He clamped his lips together until the door closed behind her. Pulling out his phone, he dialed Erin.
"What's up?" she asked.
Her voice instantly calmed him. Unhurried, slightly raspy, she was hard to rattle.
"It's Jess," he said. "And Mouse."
Erin didn't say anything.
"Erin? Are you there?" Jay asked. He looked over his shoulder to where Jess was locked in his room and headed into the kitchen.
"I'm here. I'm just waiting for you to tell me the rest." Erin sounded mildly amused.
"They're seeing each other," Jay said, his voice rising. He quickly got control back. "They're sneaking around with each other," he hissed into the phone.
"And what's the problem with that, Jay? Jess is a grown woman. And Mouse is a nice guy. He deserves to find someone."
Jay rested a hand on the cool granite of his counter. He drummed his fingers as he ticked off reasons. "She's in no shape to be meeting any guy right now. She's trying to get her life together. She's trying to get clean. And she's my sister." There. He said the real reason.
"Halstead, you're a piece of work," Erin said. "Get some sleep. Leave your sister and Mouse alone. Got that?"
Jay blew out a sigh.
"I need my partner rested and on top of his game tomorrow. I can't be carrying your weight."
Jay felt a smile tug at his lips. "If I get some rest, does that mean can I drive?"
"In your dreams," Erin said, a smile in her voice. "I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe Mouse and Jess can go out and you and I can have some time together after shift."
Jay's smile grew. "Maybe I can get behind Mouse being with my sister, after all."
#
Jess tossed over onto her stomach. Her legs wanted to run, to move. Do something to carry her away from the memories. She flipped over onto her back and gave them a little shake. Against her will, her eyes were drawn to Jay's oak dresser. The top drawer was slightly ajar, she hadn't pushed it in all the way when she had tucked the envelope back under it.
Tossing the covers aside, Jess swung her legs over the side of the bed. She sat on the edge of the bed, willing herself to calm down. Her phone was on Jay's nightstand. She picked it up. 1 am. She shouldn't text Mouse. He had to work in the morning.
She tossed her phone down and stood in agitation. The room confined her to pacing tight circles between the bed and dresser. She needed to get away from that dresser and what she had stored there.
Her duffel bag held her clothes and toiletries, pretty much everything she owned. Not exactly the sign of a thriving lifestyle. Pushing that thought down, Jess grabbed her running shoes from the bag.
She laced them up, not sure when the last time she ran was. Before Afghanistan.
No thoughts of Afghanistan, she reminded herself. She stood and felt the familiar comfort of her running shoes.
Jay had left the hall light and bathroom light on for her. Jess made her way to the living room where could see her brother, sound asleep on the couch. She was grateful he could sleep. She hoped it was a reprieve from dealing with her for him.
She wished she could get a break from herself.
She made her way silently past him. The front door swung open soundlessly and she eased it shut, holding her breath at the light click of the latch. When Jay didn't come to check, she let out the breath she was holding.
Jess avoided the elevator, opting for the stairwell. Her legs carried her down the stairs and out onto the street.
She didn't pause when she hit the street. She picked up her pace until she was jogging.
As she passed under streetlights, she remembered the lights of the helicopters that would shine down on the base when they came in, carrying more wounded.
She wouldn't think of that. Jess pushed herself to move faster.
When the helicopters landed, the soldiers would be unloaded, each injury worse than the one before. Jess would be there in the mix, shuttling the men through triage: the ones who needed immediate attention, the ones who could wait for treatment, and the ones who had no hope.
There were too many who didn't have hope.
Her feet pounded the pavement. Jess pumped her arms, pushing herself harder. Her chest burned.
She had failed. There were so many caskets that were shipped back to the states because Jess couldn't save them.
Jess gasped for breath, but didn't slow down.
And then there were the times Jess wasn't waiting on base. When she was in the helicopter, trying to get the infantrymen to hang on to life long enough to make it back to the field hospital. She would hold their hands when there was nothing else she could do, watching them take their last breath…
She couldn't run any faster, couldn't catch her breath. With a desperate cry, Jess was forced to a stop. She bent over double, struggling to breathe. Every breath burned, her chest heaving and still not able to drag in enough air. Tears fell from her eyes onto the sidewalk.
#
Adam waved goodnight to the desk sergeant on duty. He didn't glance at his watch. It was late, he was tired. The exact time didn't matter.
He pushed open the door to the precinct and stepped out into the brisk night. He jogged down the steps, nodding a hello to two uniforms heading up the stairs.
Atwater reached over and bumped Adam's fist. "See you tomorrow." He looked at his own watch. "Or today, I guess. Catch some z's and we'll run down some more leads on Danny." He headed toward his car.
Reaching in his pocket for his keys, he scanned the quiet street. A figure across the street caught his eye.
"Jess?" he called.
The girl doubled over, arms wrapped around herself, didn't respond.
Quickening his steps, Adam dodged a car as he crossed the street.
"Hey, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" he asked. He looked her over, trying to find some injury.
"I can't do this," she finally managed, the words bursting out on a sob.
Adam wrapped an arm around her and she leaned heavily against him. Adam helped her ease down to the sidewalk, kneeling next to her as she kept her face in her hands.
Adam kept an arm around her and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Where's Jay?" he asked. "Is he around here?"
Jess shook her head, her messy curls swinging. "He thinks I'm sleeping. But I couldn't sleep. I just—I just couldn't—I can't do this," she repeated. She finally looked at him, dark circles under her eyes. "I can't live with these memories. And I can't live without something to take them away."
A heavy sigh that felt like it came from his soul came out of Adam. "I'm sorry, darlin'."
Jess squeezed her eyes shut. "I need to get away from the memories."
Adam nodded. "We'll help you with that. I'll help you." He turned his phone on. "Do you want me to call Jay?"
Jess shook her head again. "No. Neither one of my brothers can know. I went to a meeting tonight. I told them I could do this—" her voice broke.
"Ok," he said, forcing a mild tone. "We won't call them. Do you want me to call Mouse?" It took everything in him to ask her that.
Tears started flowing again. "No. He went to the meeting with me. He doesn't know…he can't know…I'm not like him and Jay."
Adam slid the phone back into his pocket. He put a hand to her chin and gently held her gaze. "You're just as strong as them."
Jess fidgeted. He was losing her. He could see the nervous energy starting to build.
"Let's go for a run," he said. "That's what you were doing, right?"
Jess nodded. Her tears had stopped and she was starting to look at the shadows like she could see something he couldn't. Adam knew he was grasping at straws, but he was out of ideas.
"Come on," he said, standing and holding out his hands to help Jess up. "We can run back to your brother's place. That where you're staying?"
Jess nodded.
Jeans and a leather jacket weren't the ideal wardrobe for running, but 1 am wasn't the ideal time for a run either. Adam watched Jess from the corner of her eye. When she started to look hunted, her pace increasing, he would ask her something. About her family, her favorite foods, anything to keep her present.
They were both breathing heavily when they reached Jay's building. Jess didn't reach for the door right away.
"I can make it from here," she said. She even managed the hint of a smile.
Adam nodded, more winded than he wanted to admit.
Jess paused, her hand on the door. "You won't tell Jay? Or Mouse?"
Adam looked down the nearly deserted street, he didn't answer right away.
"Please, Adam."
Adam met her eyes. They were clear, the haunted look left somewhere blocks back as they ran together. "As long as you promise to call if you start spiraling. Before you do anything."
"Yeah, sure," Jess answered.
Adam reached his arm over hers and held the door shut. He waited for her to look him in the eye. "Promise me."
Jess swallowed hard. "I promise," she said.
Reluctantly, Adam pulled his hand back and let her go inside. He watched until he couldn't see her through the door anymore.
He hoped he was doing the right thing.