Sorry it's been awhile since I've been able to update. Life! It's busy and crazy.
This chapter felt therapeutic to write. I was SO heartbroken when Mouse left the show and when I started writing this, I knew I was either going to use it to process him leaving or rewrite what I wish would have happened (him staying).
Forjoeyalways- WOW. Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! I was overwhelmed by everything you said. And thank you for saying writing is my thing. :) I was getting really bogged down in my writing "day job" with my agent/publishers/editors, and had lost all joy in writing. This story was an outlet from the stress of life and the pressures of writing for "work". Your words meant more than I can say.
"We need to meet." Jess gripped the burner phone and scanned the shadows around the river.
"You have money for me?"
Jess thought she saw someone and ducked closer to the pillar holding up the freeway overhead. "Can you meet or not?" she asked impatiently. Impatient was easier than giving in to the tears of hopelessness. Anger, frustration…those could keep her moving. She couldn't afford to feel anything else.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll meet you." Danny sounded more on edge than she felt. She bet he was only agreeing so he could dip into the supply he had left with Jess.
Jess named the place and hung up before she had to listen to any more of Danny.
She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. The cars rolling overhead were a constant hum. She wished she could have some quiet.
She ventured to the edge of the water, even though it exposed her more to the late September breeze. The inky water flowed past her. Cars continued to move overhead. Everything moving on while she was stuck. Not even stuck in the present. Stuck in the past. In Afghanistan. She stared into the opaque water, memories consuming her.
"Jess."
Mouse's voice mixed in with the memories, a calming presence in the middle of the chaos and terror.
"Jess?"
The memories faded and Jess saw the murky river in front of her again. The air was cold and damp, not the hot desert wind stinging her as it threw sand against her skin.
Mouse was standing at the edge of the river, far enough away he couldn't reach her. And she couldn't step into his arms. Jess pulled her sweatshirt more tightly around herself and shivered.
"What are you doing here?" she asked. She wished her voice sounded stronger, less raw.
"You called Danny," Mouse said. He shoved his hands in his pockets and for a second, Jess imagined he did it to keep from reaching out for her. "I've been sorting through pod footage, traffic cameras, pinging burner phones, tapping Danny's phone for days."
"Why?" she asked. Had she got Danny in trouble by calling him?
Mouse's blue eyes pierced hers, even through the dark. "Same reason Jay and the rest of the unit have been canvassing half the city. And why Will is calling every hospital in the city twice a day to see if anyone with your description has been brought in."
Tears stung at her eyes and Jess blinked them away. She didn't want her brothers to worry. She didn't want their lives revolving around her. Around her failures.
"Do you need anything?" Mouse asked.
Jess' head jerked up to look at him. "You're not bringing me in? Telling Jay where I am?"
Mouse's eyes darkened and he held her gaze. "You should come home. I didn't mean to…didn't want to hurt you."
But he had. Jess took a step back and shook her head.
"Jess, what we were together…" Mouse's jaw worked and his voice sounded strained. "I wasn't helping you get better. I was helping you avoid what you need to deal with."
"You don't know—" Jess started, but Mouse cut her off, his words decisive.
"I know exactly what you were dealing with. I saw buddies live through the same thing you're trying to. And being around you..." Mouse paused. Jess could see him weighing her reaction in his mind. She tried to square her shoulders, steady her shaking, be strong enough to hear what Mouse had to tell her.
"I realized I'm not in that place anymore," he said finally. "I'm not struggling. And I'm still a soldier."
It was the last thing Jess expected him to say. "What?" This time, her steps carried her toward him.
Mouse's mouth tightened. "I can't spend my days behind a desk while Jay goes out and fights."
Jess shook her head. Her curls blew in her eyes, but she didn't brush them away. Her hands were too busy reaching out for Mouse, gripping him, holding him here with her in Chicago. "You can't. You can't."
"What am I going to do? Join the academy? Be a 31 year old rookie?" Mouse's lips lifted in a sad smile. "Come on, Jess." One of his thumbs brushed at a tear that ran down her cheek. He bent down so their foreheads were nearly touching, his eyes locked on hers. "You did this. You did this for me. You made me realize I'm ready to get back to living."
Jess sniffed. "I wish I hadn't."
Mouse grew serious. "I'm not going to go until I know you'll be ok."
Fear gripped at her throat. How could she promise she would be ok?
"Let me take you home. Back to Jay's. He's freaking out. Like out of his mind with worry."
And there was the panic. The thought of forever being the broken Halstead. The one Jay and Will had to drop everything to take care of. Because these demons were too big for her. Their hold was too strong for her to break.
"Tell Jay I'm fine," Jess said. She didn't recognize the voice coming from her. The hard voice, its words clipped. "I can take care of myself without him. Without you." Pain and loss made her words bitter. "Without selling Danny's junk." She stalked over to the bag and tossed it toward Mouse. She took the cheap flip phone out of her pocket and threw it on the ground, stomping on it and grinding it under the heel of her shoe. From her waistband she pulled out Danny's gun and flung it into the river.
"I don't need any of it. Any of you," she spit out between clenched teeth.
#
"You just let her go?" Jay yelled.
Mouse shifted his shoulders. His jaw clenched. "What did you want, man? You wanted me to restrain your sister and drag her home?"
"No, of course not," Will said.
"Yes!" Jay snapped, ignoring Will. Jay swung around to face Will. His mouth pressed into a tight line. "You're just fine with Jess living out on the streets?"
"Of course not!" Will looked like he wanted to throttle his younger brother right there in the middle of Jay's living room. "Of course I'm not fine with any of this!"
Jay took a step toward Will. His eyes narrowed and his voice lowered with dangerous control. "Then maybe you should do something besides waiting around for her to turn up DOA at Med."
Fed up, Will shoved aside the finger Jay was pointing at him. Jay's eyes widened in surprise before narrowing again. He shoved Will hard on the shoulder, forcing Will to take a step back to catch his balance.
Will's expression matched Jay's and he returned the shove, only harder and with both hands. Control broken, Jay lowered his head and hurtled himself at Will, tackling his brother onto his back on the coffee table, which snapped with a sharp crack, dropping both of them onto the floor.
Will shoved himself off the broken pieces of wood and lunged at Jay, getting a grip around Jay's torso, rolling him over.
The punches started then. Both brothers landed blows without trying to ward any off. Neither of them realized Mouse was trying to pull them off one another until one of them connected with his face and sent him flying backward with a bloody nose.
The only sound in the apartment was their ragged breathing. The three of them looked at each other.
Mouse pressed his shirt against his nose, blood seeping through. Will looked down at his hands and cradled right in left, the knuckles already swelling. Jay sat back hard against the armchair, his leg kicking against what was left of his coffee table.
"So…this was helpful in getting Jess home," Mouse commented drily from behind his shirt.
Jay let out sharp laugh and then hissed in a breath, grabbing at his ribs.
"They broken?" Will asked, unconcerned.
Jay eyed him. "Probably no worse than your cheekbone."
Will felt the bruise already forming and winced.
Jay used his sleeve to dab at the blood coming from a split in his own lip.
"What are you guys doing?" Mouse asked quietly.
Will closed his eyes and shook his head.
Jay stared across the room, unseeing. "I don't know," he finally said. He looked at Will, then at Mouse. His brothers. "I don't know. I don't know how to help Jess and it's killing me."
Will pushed himself up, sucking in a breath between clenched teeth. He went over to Jay and held out his hand, the one not bruised and swollen.
Jay gripped his hand. He let Will pull him to his feet, hissing out his own breath of pain.
"So what do we do?" Will asked.
The question echoed around them in the silence.
"We wait," Mouse finally said. "And we're here when she's ready."