I'm back to working on this after a long hospital stay with my son and some other busy things. But I FINALLY am able to write again and am hoping to get back to updating this story and starting a new one. I hope you enjoy!

Jess let out a long breath and tried to pull her hair back into a tight knot at the back of her head again. Third time was the charm.

She couldn't believe she used to wear her hair like this daily and had managed to do it without a glance in the mirror. Granted, her hands hadn't been shaking in Afghanistan.

She had tried to reason with herself, remind herself that she didn't have to wear her hair in the military style, but as soon as she put on her CFD paramedic uniform she had started brushing her hair into the unforgiving style. Old habits died hard.

Just putting on a uniform again brought the memories and emotions rushing back. Jess reminded herself this wasn't an Army uniform. She wasn't there anymore.

Glancing at her watch, she grabbed her backpack and warm uniform coat. She jogged down the stairs, pulling on her coat and slinging her bag over her shoulders. She felt in her pocket to make sure she had her pass for the el.

From the kitchen her dad called out to her. "You heading out?" he asked.

Jess paused at the front door. "Yeah, Dad. I'll be on shift until tomorrow morning," she called.

Pat Halstead came out of the kitchen. He stuck his hands in his pockets and took in her uniform. "You, uh, you need a ride?"

Jess shook her head. "I'll see you tomorrow." She started to turn the knob, but Pat cleared his throat.

"Are you…" He cleared his throat again uncomfortably. "Are you ok to be doing this job? Jay talked to me—"

Irritation at Jay flashed through her. She fought to keep her tone even, respectful. "I'm fine. This is the job I trained for. It's what I know to do."

Pat hesitated, but then nodded and headed back for the kitchen. Jess shook her head as she opened the door. Jay and Adam both had been pressing her for information since she told them about her new job as a medic. Wanting to know how she was going to deal with the stress, what she would do if something triggered a flashback while she was on a call, how she would avoid the temptation of having access to the drugs on the ambulance.

Slamming the door shut behind her, Jess pulled on her knit hat and started down the walk. The working class neighborhood was awake around her. Shift workers headed to bus stops, lights on in the homes where parents were getting their kids breakfast before school. A few cars running and ready to go.

A familiar car caught her eye. Jess heaved a sigh and tried to walk past.

"Jess!"

Adam got out of the black car and jogged toward her. Jess clenched her jaw and kept walking. When he caught up to her, she gritted out, "It's my first day, Adam. I don't need any of your questions or judgments today, ok?"

"I know, I know," he said. He stepped in front of her, halting her brisk walk. He held his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry."

His apology softened her. She waited.

"I let your brother get into my head. All the 'what-ifs'." He bent his head so his dark eyes could meet hers. "But you got this. I know that. I just got stupid."

"Really stupid," Jess corrected him, trying to hold back a small smile.

"Really, really, really stupid. A complete idiot," Adam agreed, wrapping his arms around her.

Jess let out a small laugh, feeling some of the tension of her first day ease. She moved closer to Adam, closing her eyes, breathing in his scent.

She lifted her face to him. The words stuck in her throat. She moved her lips but the words wouldn't come. She started to pull away, frustrated with her inability to tell Adam what she wanted to say.

Adam kept his arms around her and pulled her back to him. "I know, Darlin'. I missed you, too."

Jess closed her eyes and savored the feel of his lips brushing hers.

"Do you want a ride to work?" Adam asked.

"Thanks." Jess linked her fingers through his and went with him to his car.

#

Jay took a sip of coffee without taking his eyes off the entrance to Firehouse 51.

"You know this is ridiculous, right?" Erin said.

"You're free to head on in to the district any time," Jay reminded her.

"Mmm-hmm. And leave you here alone to spy on your sister? Who's going to make sure you don't go following after her and embarrass her on her first day?" Erin raised an eyebrow at him.

Jay was unmoved. "You should just admit it, Lindsey. You're here because you're just as worried about her in this new job as I am."

"But it's her choice," Erin reminded him.

Jay was about to respond when a black car pulled up in front of the firehouse.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked.

"Jay," Erin reminded him. She crooked an eyebrow.

They were parked far enough away that they weren't noticed, but close enough that Jay could see Jess in the passenger seat of Adam's car. Ruzek said something and Jess leaned over and kissed him. She didn't pull back to her side of the car and Ruzek reached a hand to the back of her neck as Jess deepened the kiss.

Jay reached for his door handle, but Jess drew back from Ruzek before Jay opened his door. Jay ground his teeth together. Ruzek pressed another kiss against Jess' lips and said something that made her smile, self-consciously ducking her head and answering him. She reached in the back seat and grabbed a black overnight bag and got out of the car.

Jay watched his sister sling the bag over her shoulder and draw a deep breath as she looked at the brick building set back from the street by a wide driveway. She visibly squared her shoulders and started up the driveway. The garage doors were closed against the cold and she went in through a single door and disappeared from sight.

"You OK now?" Erin asked. "She made it to her first shift. There's nothing else for you to do."

Erin was right and Jay hated that. Jess was on her own.

#

Jess entered Firehouse 51's garage through the small door. The previous shift was finishing up inventory on the rigs. Two firefighters walked ahead of her, carrying their bags and she followed them. She heard the door open and close behind her and someone called to the men ahead of her.

"Hey, Hermann, I heard it's Cindy's birthday tomorrow. Does that mean drinks are on you at Molly's?"

The shorter, wiry man ahead of Jess turned to answer. "Tell you what, Cruz, you tell my bride you want me to celebrate her birthday by running my bar into the red and tell me what she says."

The other men laughed and Hermann noticed Jess. "Oh hey there. Are you our new medic?"

Jess pushed forward a smile. It felt tight and foreign on her face. What was she doing here? Jay was right. She quickly shoved those thoughts down and stuck out a hand. "I'm Jess. Nice to meet you."

"Hey Jess. I'm Hermann. Good to have you at 51." His thick Chicago accent was sincere, but instead of putting Jess at ease, she felt her heart rate ratchet up a notch. They had no idea if it was good to have her at 51 or not. What if Jay was right and she had a flashback on the job?

"Thanks," she finally managed.

"This here is Mouch, Cruz, Otis," Hermann said, motioning to the other men. "I'll show you your locker and then point you to Chief Boden's office."

Jess followed behind them, willing her breaths to slow down and steady.

The locker room was busy with the new shift coming on. Hermann pointed out the others who paused from stowing their belongings to smile and welcome Jess. Jess did her best to return their smiles and match names and faces. Casey, Cap, Tony, Severide, Kidd.

Her bag put away, Hermann jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Boden's office is on the other side of the building. I'll walk you over there."

"I've got it, Hermann," the female firefighter cut in. "I'll take her there."

"You sure?" Hermann asked.

"Yep. We'll see you at roll call," she said. "C'mon," she said to Jess.

Jess fell in step next to the dark haired woman.

"I'm Stella," she said. "I've been filling in with Brett as medic, but am glad you are here, let me tell you. I don't mind working on ambo, but will be glad to get back on truck."

Jess found her voice finally. "Brett is the other medic?"

Stella's no nonsense walk was tempered by her friendly words. "Yeah and she's great. She's good at her job and easy to work with."

Jess nodded. She was scared to hope for a good partner.

They came to an office, the door open. Stella stuck her head in. "Hey, Chief, I have our new medic here."

"Come on in," came the chief's deep voice. "Thanks, Kidd."

Stella waved a half salute to the chief and Jess before leaving Jess with Boden.

Jess felt her posture straighten and reminded herself not to salute. She was a civilian now.

"Have a seat, Halstead," the chief said. Jess quickly slipped into one of the chairs facing his desk.

A knock sounded on the open door. "You wanted to see me, Chief?" a feminine voice asked.

"Brett, come on in. Close the door behind you."

A slim blond took the seat next to Jess and smiled at her.

"Sylvie Brett, this is your new partner, Jess Halstead."

"Oh hi," Sylvie said warmly, her smile genuine. "I'm so glad we finally filled the position. You have no idea what sort of floaters headquarters has been sending here."

"Halstead," the chief said, drawing Jess' attention. "I know you and I discussed your circumstances in your interview. Your history is between you and me, but as your partner, Brett needs to know. I can't let you out in the field with your Paramedic in Charge not prepared for anything that may come up."

Swallowing hard, Jess nodded. That's what Boden had told her in her interview. She hoped Brett wasn't a gossip. She hoped that when Brett heard the whole truth about her, she didn't write her off. She really wanted this job, she hadn't realized how much until all her dirty laundry was about to be aired in front of the one person who would be watching her in the field and could say the word to the chief to have Jess terminated.

"What I'm saying does not leave this office, understood?" Boden was asking Bret.

"Yeah, of course," Brett said, her brows knitting with confusion.

"Halstead has more than adequate training and exceptional experience as a medic in the Army. She served three tours in Afghanistan and her military record should make all of us here proud to have her on our team."

Brett smiled warmly at Jess. "Well that's nothing to keep secret. It sounds like you'll be a great fit here."

Jess fixed her gaze on Chief Boden. She knew what came next. She pressed her shaking hands together in her lap. She wouldn't think about how much a drink would dull the shame that was about to come.

"Jess had some difficulties after her discharge home. Some PTSD which she has dealt with and assured me should not affect her job performance. But I need to protect all of 51, Halstead included. This will be her first job since coming home. I need you to be aware of the situation."

"Oh…" Bret took in the information then nodded. "Sure thing." She turned to Jess, her blue eyes earnest. "Just let me know if you need anything. 51 is a family and we take care of each other."

Jess' throat was too tight at her partner's heartfelt words to answer so she just nodded.

"Halstead." Jess forced herself to look back at Boden and meet his dark eyes. "You served your country and we are all thankful to you for your service. I am proud to hire you to 51, but I took a risk in hiring you. Don't make me regret it."

"You won't, sir," Jess said, worried she was lying through her teeth. Please don't let him regret it, she silently pleaded.

Boden nodded, satisfied everyone was on the same page. "Alright then. I'll see you at roll call."

Dismissed, Jess and Brett pushed their chairs back. Jess started to raise her arm to salute before she caught herself. Civilian, she reminded herself. She was a civilian again.

"So Halstead?" Brett asked. "Are you related to a cop over at the 21st?"

"He's my brother," Jess answered.

"Really? We all really like Jay. He's a good guy."

When they got away from the administrative area with it's open floorplan and into the long corridor that led back to the locker room and garage, Jess stopped walking and glanced around.

"Brett, I…" Jess hesitated, trying to pull her thoughts away from the painful emotions tied to them. "I don't want you to think you've been stuck with a partner you can't count on. I wouldn't do this job if I didn't think I was safe. I won't be a liability to you. I didn't let my squadron down in Afghanistan, I won't let 51 down here." Jess' stomach knotted at the thought of the entire firehouse thinking she was dead weight they had to carry, or worse, that she was broken and useless. Like Jay thought of her.

Brett studied her for a minute before reaching over and giving her arm a squeeze. "I believe you. We're going to work out fine. Trust me, no matter what you have to deal with, you've got to be better than the last partner I had. Uggghhh," Bret groaned with an exaggerated eye roll. "He was insufferable. No matter what, he found a reason to see the bad side of everything. 24 hours of doom and gloom every shift? No thank you."

The knot in Jess' stomach didn't loosen, but she managed a smile. She could do this. She repeated the words to herself. She had to do this.

#