Chapter 30

The doors of the emergency room slid open. A nurse was yelling for a doctor, assigning them a room. The medics rattled off numbers. None of it made sense. Jess couldn't look away from Adam. That was the only thing that she could understand. Adam was on the gurney being raced into the ED. His eyes were closed. His chest was barely rising and falling.

Jess shoved her way into the trauma room behind the medics and doctors.

"Jess, you can't be in here right now."

The familiar voice was gentle, but firm. Hands on her shoulders tried to guide her from the room.

"No! I'm not—I'm not—I can't leave Adam," Jess argued, trying to free herself from the grip.

"Jess," the voice said again, more stern but no less caring. "Jess."

Jess finally tore her eyes off Adam and looked into the face in front of her. "Natalie?" she asked.

"Come on," her brother's girlfriend said, tugging her from the room. "You can't be in here. Let Dr. Rhodes and Dr. Choi work."

And then Jess couldn't see Adam anymore. She was in the hallway. Natalie's hands were warm on her arms through her uniform coat.

"Jess!"

Will's voice jolted her and Jess felt Natalie's grip tighten to steady her.

Will ran up to them. "Jess, what happened? They said Jay's unit was bombed."

"They…they were…they…we were the first ones on scene." Jess looked frantically around the bustling ED. "Where's Jay? He got here before Adam."

"What?" Will asked. "He's here? You saw him at the scene?"

"He was shot." The words came through numb lips and then the numbness was gone, pushed out by the panic that came flooding in. "He was bleeding, Will, he was bleeding too much. And he wasn't breathing well. It was—it was bad. Adam was by the bomb, but they won't let me in with him. He's not waking up." Her voice was too loud, too fast, but she couldn't reign it in.

"Ok," Will pulled Jess to him and looked around. "Let me find Jay. Let's start with him."

She nodded against his scrubs, drawing strength from how steady Will was.

"I'll have Monique take Jess to get cleaned up," Natalie said softly. "We have more coming in, Will."

Jess felt Will take a breath before he stepped back from her. "Just hang tight, ok? I'll make sure Jay and Adam are ok. I promise."

Jess nodded again, shivering when Will released her.

Natalie led her to the nurses' station and motioned a blonde nurse over. Jess couldn't hear what her quiet words were. She looked down at her hands. They were covered in blood. Jay's blood. Adam's blood. Mixed with the grit from the building that had fallen down on her brother and the man she loved.

Her knees started to buckle. Arms caught her.

"It's good, I've got her."

Mouse pulled her against him, keeping her standing without her legs holding her.

"C'mon, I've got you," he said. The sliding doors whooshed open and the alarming of the monitors of the Emergency Department was replaced with a waiting room filling with cops and the rough voice of Sargaent Voight.

"I don't care what your policy is," Voight was saying, jaw clenched, fists on the counter between him and the nurse standing guard over the waiting room. "Those are my cops in there. My family. I need to get in to them."

"Hank." The desk sargaent Jess had seen at the precinct before approached Voight and laid a hand on his shoulder. Voight didn't move. "Hank," the older woman said again. This time he stepped back from the desk. He saw Mouse and jess and headed for them.

Jess struggled to pull away from Mouse, she tried to get her legs to hold her up. "Sargaent," she said. "Jay and Adam are in rough shape. It's…it's bad. I'm so sorry. So sorry I didn't get to them faster. I couldn't…I couldn't stop Jay's bleeding. Adam wouldn't wake up. I tried…I tried…"

He stood in front of her, looking her in the eye. His jaw worked and he nodded to himself. "Your people did good. You did everything you could."

Jess curled her hands into fists. It hadn't been enough. It was never enough. She thought of the soldiers she had lost as a medic. Boys younger than her. Young men with kids at home. And now Adam. And Jay.

"Come on," Mouse was saying. "Let's get some air."

Jess nodded. The snap of the late fall air in her face brought her back to Chicago and away from the past.

Mouse didn't push her to talk. He stayed by her side while she paced.

Jess couldn't reign in her thoughts. They swarmed her mind too fast to hold onto just one.

She had been angry and refused to talk to Jay for the past two weeks. She had been hurt by Adam and wouldn't listen to anything he had to say to her. Jay was shot. Adam wasn't waking up.

"Slow down," Mouse was saying, laying a hand on her shoulder.

Jess blinked, bringing his face into focus, her breaths coming in short gasps.

"Take a breath," he said, framing her face with his hands.

Jess nodded, struggling to control her breathing. Her breaths slowing, her racing heart thudding back down to a normal pace, Jess dropped her forehead against Mouse's chest. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Don't go back there," he said quietly. "Stay here."

She nodded against the rough wool of his jacket.

"Jess." Natalie's voice broke in.

Jess raised her head.

"They're about to bring Jay into surgery. Will is with him."

Jess didn't realize she had reached for Mouse until she felt his hand close around hers.

"I can see him?" Jess asked.

Natalie nodded. "Follow me."

The door was open to the trauma room Jay was in. Voight and Erin stood next to the bed, Erin gripping Jay's hand. Will stood on the other side of the gurney, glancing from Jay to the monitors. He looked up when Natalie brought Mouse and Jess in.

Jess took in the monitor readings, the blood infusing into the IV she had started for Jay in the field, the chest tube indicating a collapsed lung, and the blood soaked dressing on Jay's shoulder.

"Dr. Rhodes said…" Will paused, fighting for control. He took a breath and steadied his voice. "He's lost a lot of blood. The bullet hit an artery and he needs surgery now. We won't know anything until after surgery."

Erin closed her eyes and her knuckles went white as she gripped Jay's hand. Voight murmured something to her.

Mouse stepped forward. He leaned down to Jay. "We didn't fight our way back from some hell-hole overseas just for you to get shot at home," he whispered. "You better pull through this, brother."

Jess squeezed her eyes shut. She spun on her heel and got out of the suffocating room.

She was barely in the hallway when a bearded doctor and two nurses went into Jay's room and started maneuvering the gurney out into the hall to head to the OR. She watched her brother get wheeled away for surgery. When Will came back out in the hall with her, she faced him.

"Adam?" she asked. "Have you heard anything…?"

Will shook his head. "He's getting a CT scan. He's not back yet."

Jess nodded. She felt Mouse brace her. "Let's go out to the waiting room. Will can get us when he knows something."

Jess didn't answer.

Will glanced at Mouse. "Why don't you let Mouse take you to get something to eat? Monique can take you to get cleaned up."

Jess shook her head quickly. "I'll wait. I'm not going anywhere until I see Adam."

"Ok," Will said softly. "You can wait in Adam's room."

Jess didn't take the only chair in the room. She walked the short length of it and pushed her hair off her face. An alarm sounded from another room, causing her to jolt.

Mouse came to her side. "You want to sit?" he asked.

Jess shook her head. She saw Mouse look down at her shaking hands.

"You want a fix," he said without surprise.

Jess clenched her fists together. "It's been getting better. Just this day…Adam and Jay…it's a lot…"

"It is," Mouse agreed.

Jess closed her eyes. "I just want to know how Adam is," she said.

"I know," Mouse agreed again. "I'll stay here until we find something out."

Jess leaned back to look up at him. "You're a good friend. I don't know what I would do…" Her voice cracked. She put a hand on his arm. "I know you're leaving soon, but I'm really glad you haven't gone back yet. That you haven't reenlisted yet."

Mouse met her eyes. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere till I know you're OK."

"Get a crash cart!" Natalie's yell from the hallway cut through the white noise of machines and alarms. Throwing a panicked look to Mouse, Jess ran into the hallway.

A gurney was in the hall, portable monitors squealing their alarm for the patient.

Adam. It was Adam.

"No," Jess breathed. "No." She felt Mouse reach for her arm to grab her, but his grip just brushed her sleeve and didn't stop her.

Adam's eyes were closed. His chest wasn't moving.

Natalie grabbed the intubation tray a nurse handed her.

Jess shoved her way down the hall, not taking her eyes off Adam. Her Adam.

"I'm in, bag him," Natalie ordered briskly. "Get him back to his room and page Dr. Abrams."

Jess caught the nurse by surprise and pushed past her to get alongside Adam. Adam with a tube down his throat breathing for him. She put her hand on his chest, a chest that was muscular and she had leaned against for strength, for comfort. He looked too big for the stretcher. He should be up, striding around, giving her that half smile, not unconscious with a nurse pumping a bag to breathe for him.

Her fingers barely brushed his hand before hands were pulling her back and the nurses were moving Adam down the hallway away from her.

Jess fought to follow him, but the hands held her back.

"Jess, calm down." Will's voice sounded far away, even as the grip tightened on her arms.

"Let me go," she said, struggling against his grip.

"You can't go to him until you calm down."

Jess felt the hot tears running down her face, the burn of sobs racking her chest. "I need to—need to—" The day was too much. It all was too much. She sank to her knees, Will lowering her down to keep her from falling.

"It will be ok," he said, giving his sister a tight hug, keeping her from falling all the way to the ground. "It will be ok."

Jess had seen enough in her past to know it wasn't ok. The odds were against both Jay and Adam waking up whole.

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