Let's finally see what Gene is and isn't up to, shall we? I know he's lost some of you but maybe this will help. Or not? You decide for yourselves. I will add that your insights in the reviews have definitely helped shape the inner monologue Gene is about to have. Thank you all for that!
I have matched the timeline of this 'Gene' chapter with the previous 'Olivia' chapter. Enjoy!
...
17. Raw
"No, wait."
"Come on, Gene."
"Jasmyn ..."
"What happened to Naomi, baby? I love it when you call me that."
They're at the door of Jasmyn's guest room and the beautiful woman is turning on all her charms to get him to come inside with her. But Gene isn't budging.
"No more games, Jasmyn," he sighs, rubbing his forehead. He feels a headache coming up.
"I thought you were all about fun and games, Gene. Remember my friend Irene? She had nothing but praise for your sexy games!"
Gene remembers Irene. He shared one night with Jasmyn's friend on a yacht and it had indeed been a lot of fun. They had even gone skinny dipping in the moonlight.
Jasmyn tries to kiss him again and Gene grabs her shoulders to stop her.
"Hey, what's gotten into you? You were all over me just five minutes ago," Jasmyn pouts.
"I'm really sorry about this," Gene sighs and he can't believe how he was about to mess up so badly. "I was trying to get something out of my system but that's not really me, honey. It's not fair to you."
"I don't mind, honestly," Jasmyn tries again. "If you gotta fuck something out, I'm game. You can work those magic fingers on me some more."
He knows how wet the woman is for him. Her lace thong was soaked within two minutes after he began rubbing her earlier and she'd been ready to come right then and there just when they were interrupted. But as much as he's wondered about Jasmyn before, he knows he can't be with her now; maybe he won't ever be with her because he is unable these days to give any woman his undivided attention anymore. Any woman except one.
It's been going on for weeks now and it scares him to death to have these feelings again. He's been trying to reason them away; to tell himself Olivia would be better off with someone like Frank, because he has nothing to offer her. And he knows for a fact that Olivia doesn't feel anything for him. She hasn't opened up to him at all, except physically. They have an agreement and that's all they have.
Seeing Barbara so unexpectedly has shaken him up even more. He loved her once and look what it's gotten him. Absolutely nothing but a lot of grief, a strained relationship with his parents for over a year and a huge, thick concrete wall around his heart. He swore back then that he would never become like Barbara. He wouldn't just use women and then toss them aside like a rag, not even when they ask to be used, like Jasmyn seems to be doing now. They deserve his respect and it's disrespectful to be with one woman while thinking of another.
Jasmyn convinces him to come into her room to talk and he follows her inside, but she seems to have a different understanding of talking. She pins him against the inside of the door and kisses him hard, while pushing her hips into his.
When Gene breaks off the kiss quickly, Jasmyn tells him to just let his body do the talking. She reminds him so much of Barbara now that it's scary. He isn't even hard anymore and when Jasmyn realizes that, she finally gives up.
"Wow. I didn't know a strong woman was such a turnoff for you," she mutters.
"It's not you," Gene tells her as she walks away from him to grab a drink from the mini bar that every guest room is equipped with.
"Oh great. Now you're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' bullshit? That's just great Gene. Just fucking great. Just give me a few minutes to get drunk and then I guess I'm going out there to grab another guy. Maybe I'll jump that cute brother of yours."
Jasmyn laughs at her own joke, but Gene can hear the hurt in her voice. He knows he's hurt her feelings but he also knows he wants to go and find Olivia. It if really was her up there on the balcony … he feels nauseous just thinking about it. Even if she doesn't expect anything serious from him, she didn't deserve this. She is his guest and his fear of falling for her like he fell for Barbara, is no excuse for what he had been about to do, or even for what he's already done. He hates himself deeply right now and he knows he has to talk to Olivia. But what can he tell her?
Gene follows Jasmyn and grabs a bottle from the mini bar as well. Jasmyn raises an eyebrow and Gene forces a smile.
"Liquid courage?" he suggests.
"Courage for what?" Jasmyn questions. "You got a confession to make?"
It's a good question, one he needs to think about. He knows he will need to tell Olivia that he's been with Jasmyn. Maybe he even needs to tell her what drove him to walk into another woman's arms. But will he have the courage to confess his feelings for her? He's afraid he will lose her forever if he does that. Olivia never wanted anything but sex from him. She was never out for any kind of commitment. She's just like him in that respect.
He wonders if maybe she has similar reasons to be as closed-off as she is but he's afraid to hope he would be able to break through her defenses. Still, if she can break through his, without even really trying …
He sighs and he must look so lost that even Jasmyn takes pity on him. She puts a hand on his arm, and when he shrinks back she speaks softly, reassuringly when she tells him,
"Hey hey, don't worry babe. I'm not going to try again. I can see that you're struggling. You're not so shallow after all, are you?"
Gene chuckles. How much confrontation with himself can he take in one night?
"Just sit, baby. Try to relax. I'm gonna go freshen up in the bathroom and when I get back, you can talk to me if you want to."
He nods and plops down on the sofa in Jasmyn's room. He's drinking scotch straight from the bottle but he needs it right now to calm down. He feels like he's making a mess of his life again, but he isn't seventeen anymore. He's 37 for crying out loud. He needs to man up and stop running away from himself. But he doesn't know where to start. Talking to Olivia may only make matters worse because she will reject him; but not talking to her is out of the question too, because she deserves better that this. He has always prided himself in treating others with respect, even if they don't treat him with the same respect. It's what's gotten him his reputation as an intense lover and it's what keeps women coming back for more. Or it used to be.
He's been losing his touch, little by little, ever since meeting Olivia. And it terrifies him. She is the only one he is that intense with anymore, up to the point where he thinks he won't want or need anyone else as long as he can have her.
By the time Jasmyn returns, hair and makeup done again and donning fresh underwear underneath her white cocktail dress, Gene is almost in tears. Jasmyn's eyes are full of concern when she sits down next to him and puts a hand on his back.
"What's wrong baby?" she asks him softly.
He hardly recognizes the sound of his own strangled voice when he forces the words out.
"I can't lose her."
...
His heart is beating fast. He knows he is walking into danger now but there is no way back. Jasmyn has helped him straighten out his clothes after his confession, and after using the bathroom in her room, he is on his way to his own bedroom. His strides are determined even if his stomach is trembling. He doesn't have a speech prepared. He will just have to see what happens once he sees her. He is afraid to show her his heart but she still deserves an apology. That's his main goal. After that, he doesn't know anything. He's in uncharted territory now because while he recognizes his own feelings from twenty years ago, he knows for a fact that Olivia is a better woman than Barbara could ever hope to be.
His room is empty.
She's not here.
The disappointment is another eye-opener. He had looked forward so much to seeing her beautiful face again, that he needs to catch his breath before he can walk back out to go looking for her. But he is still determined to find her and apologize, alcohol as well as adrenaline spurring him on. He bounds down the stairs in the house and walks in the direction of the party, that is now in full swing.
And then he sees her.
He sees them.
Olivia and Frank, dancing together. They're laughing and having fun as if nothing has happened, holding hands and jumping happily to the upbeat music the band is playing. He can hear her melodious laugh all the way from the open sliding doors of the house and he swallows hard. What to do now?
If it was indeed Olivia on that balcony, it sure looks like she doesn't care one bit what he's up to. And if it wasn't her, she clearly isn't wondering where he is at all. She knew he was upset when he walked off after seeing Barbara. So what does it mean that she's partying and having fun as if he doesn't exist? She doesn't care about him. He was right. She is better off with a guy like Frank.
Gene hears shuffling behind him and turns around to find his father joining him. The two men are standing on the threshold of the house and somehow, Gene feels like he is on a symbolic threshold in his life. It's as if nothing will be the same after tonight and he welcomes his father's presence in these moments.
"Everything alright, son?"
"No."
"Didn't think so."
Hank Butler nods in the direction of the dancing couple.
"Is she alright?"
"She looks fine to me."
He sounds bitter and he knows it.
"Looks can be deceiving Gene."
Gene nods and purses his lips. He knows his father is right and he knows he will still need to talk to Olivia. But seeing her be so happy and carefree with his brother only confirms for him that she doesn't need him.
"Your mom got rid of Barbara," Hank remarks and Gene glances at his father.
"I knew she would. I'm still so sorry I hurt you both so much back then."
"It's in the past. Let's leave it there."
"Do you still think about her?" Gene asks.
He and his father have never talked about it, it had been an unspoken pact between them, but Gene is addressing it now. His emotions are raw and it seems appropriate to get more things out in the open tonight.
"Never," Hank says sincerely. "Barbara and me … that was two or three years before I met your mother and it was brief. I was a wild one back then, kind of like you. But after I got hooked on your mother, I never looked back."
Hank wipes a hand down his beard and tells his oldest son,
"Honestly, those memories seem like a distant dream now. Another lifetime."
Hank has never told his sons much about his life before he met their mother. All they have ever seen of him is his complete devotion to Anne. He is almost ten years older than his wife and they know he had a life before her, but they don't know the extent of it. If not for Barbara blurting it out to Gene, they never would have known Barbara was one of his exes. It had been painful for Anne to find out, but not nearly as painful as learning the woman was sleeping with her child. She had never felt more deeply betrayed.
"Weren't you ever tempted? I mean … after you got together with mom officially? It must have been a big change if you were used to being free like me."
Hank studies his son's face and Gene looks away. He is being too obvious now.
The older man looks at the brunette Detective, who has left the dance floor with his middle son and is now drinking cocktails, laughing and chatting, seemingly without a care in the world.
"I'm a man of principle, Gene. Once I gave her my word, it was a done deal. I was never tempted again because I refused to be tempted. That's a decision you can make, you know. Just close that door and make sure you don't end up in tempting situations anymore. It's not very difficult once you're sure. And the reward is amazing. Just look at her."
Hank gestures at the partying crowd and while Gene's eyes drift back to Olivia automatically, his father's eyes fix on the sparkling blue eyes of his wife, who is in an animated discussion with two people he knows to be big donors to her fundraising causes.
"She's so full of life and such a kind spirit," Hank muses and Gene nods, still gazing at Olivia.
"Yes, she is."
"Even after almost forty years, she's the center of my universe."
Gene blinks, realizing that his father is talking about his mother, yet also envisioning himself saying the same words somewhere down the road, about her …
Hank rests a hand on his son's shoulder and follows his gaze.
"Your mother likes her. She says she's classy."
"She is."
"You're gonna let your brother walk off with her?"
Gene clasps his hands together behind his back and looks at his feet.
"It's complicated, dad."
"No, it's not. You're just scared."
Gene laughs out loud and turns to face his father.
"Were you? When you went after mom, I mean?"
"Maybe a little, but I wasn't as damaged as you. But you have to leave the demons of the past behind you if you want any kind of future, Gene. Do you know what I'm saying?"
Gene nods. He will need some time to let his father's words sink in but he knows what Hank has been telling him. Hank claps him on the shoulder one more time and squeezes it before he leaves him alone with his thoughts. Gene watches his father leave, joining his mother and mingling with their guests again. She's the love of his life, even after almost forty years. Gene has always denied that that was what he wanted too, because he was scared of getting hurt again. He still is. His eyes find Olivia again, and his stomach clenches when he sees her and Frank head back to the dance floor. There is a slow, romantic song playing and when Frank takes her in his arms, Olivia melds into him, her eyes closed and her entire body relaxing.
He can't go talk to her now but he can't look away either. He is mesmerized by her, even as she dances with another man. But when he sees her kissing Frank's neck, he has to turn away.
He blew it.
He's really blown it this time.
He walks off in the direction of the gardens. He could find his way there blindfolded if he had to, so it will be easy for him to take a walk at night in the moonlight. He needs to be alone for a while; completely alone to come to terms with the deep sense of loss that is washing over him.
…
A/N: …