22. Hope
Judge Petrovsky brings down her hammer after calling a recess of fifteen minutes. The witnesses for the prosecution have all been heard except for one of Michelle's close friends, who is still en route to the courthouse. While Perry's lawyer had wanted to continue and present his own witnesses for the defense, the judge is granting everyone a bathroom break while they wait for Michelle's friend to arrive.
Olivia feels stiff as she stands up and she knows why. She's tense all over and stays close to Elliot while they walk out of the courtroom and into the hall. She decides to go for that bathroom break the judge mentioned and rejoins Elliot afterwards. And then she hears Gene say her name and she spins around to face him.
"Olivia."
Elliot is next to her instantly, stepping forward and squinting at the other man slightly. Olivia puts a hand on his arm.
"El."
He looks back at her and Olivia sees the question in his eyes.
"It's okay. He's on our side, remember?"
Elliot nods and looks at Gene again.
"You did a good job up there," he acknowledges, nodding in the direction of the courtroom they have all just vacated.
"Thank you, Detective Stabler," Gene responds. "I think Perry knows what's coming."
"I don't trust him to give it up just yet. He's got some sleazy friends."
"I know," Gene nods.
"How well do you know this bunch anyway?" Elliot asks, and Gene can sense that Olivia's partner is still a little wary of him.
"I've run into them a couple of times at parties. You know, where all of us rich brats hang out and do coke," Gene says with a grin and Olivia can see the beginnings of a half-smile on her partner's lips. She knows he appreciates Gene's candour and joking self-deprecation, even if he'd never admit it. She feels herself relax slightly, thankful that Gene is breaking the ice with friendly chatter with Elliot. When he looks at her again, she feels her stomach clench a little though. What is he going to say?
"Can we talk?" he asks her and she sees the muscles around his mouth twitch a little. Hell, he's as nervous as she is.
Elliot looks from Gene to Olivia and back, and then back to Olivia once more. He makes a small gesture with his hands, as if asking her what's up and he finds the answer easily in her eyes. This is the guy. Her partner stands up a little straighter and she knows he's going into protective mode once again. She quickly steps forward, closer to Gene and tells him,
"This is just a short recess."
"Later then. Please."
Olivia is overwhelmed with everything she sees in his eyes. They are pleading with her not to shut him down. Not to give up on him just yet and it's confusing and exciting and … she feels a tiny flame of hope flicker deep inside her. This is a side of him she hasn't seen before, yet it's frighteningly familiar. She doesn't know if he's afraid she'll say yes or no, and it's exactly the same for her. What would she be saying no to? And what would she be saying yes to?
"I didn't sleep with her," Gene suddenly blurts out and her breath hitches, her wide eyes still gazing up into his.
Elliot is uncharacteristically quiet next to her. He seems to sense that this is serious, and he's right. He even takes a few steps away from them to give them space.
"Why not?" she finally asks Gene, her voice barely more than a whisper.
She's scared to death of his answer but the tiny flame in her heart flickers again.
"Because of you," he whispers and she feels a lump forming in her throat. She doesn't know what to say.
"Please let me explain after this," Gene asks again, waving his hand in the direction of the courtroom.
People are starting to return to the room, awaiting the return of the judge and the suspect and his lawyer. Olivia glances around to see where Michelle is, but can see she's in good hands with her parents and her friends. She nods then and looks back up at Gene.
"Okay."
His relief is palpable and she can't help smiling. Gene reaches for her hand and runs a finger along the back of her hand. The mere touch makes her shiver inside and she feels her cheeks heat up. Gene backs away to return to the courtroom, leaving a slightly perplexed Olivia standing next to her partner. Elliot seems at a loss for words as well and Olivia is glad he doesn't criticize her over her choice to be with Gene. If he hadn't known before that Gene is one of the good guys, he knows it now, after his performance on the stand.
"You wanna … head back inside too?" Elliot asks her hesitantly and she finally looks up at her partner.
"Yeah. I do."
She gestures at the place where Gene had been standing a few moments ago and tells Elliot,
"I guess you could tell that ... "
"Red Rose guy. Yeah, I got that. Looks like he's not over you."
Olivia bites her lip, takes a deep breath and nods.
"Yeah. It looks that way, doesn't it?"
…
The trial continues but Gene has a hard time focusing on it now. She's agreed to see him after they're done here! He'll get the chance to tell her what she needs to know. And he will have to be brutally honest, with her as well as himself. He knows what he wants, even if it's scary as hell. He can't pretend anymore that it's just a phase, and even if it is, he needs to see it through. If he doesn't go for broke now, he may regret it for the rest of his life.
He thinks of his father, and the look in the older man's eyes every time he gazes at his wife of almost forty years. He wants that, even if he's tried to deny it for twenty years. Deep down he's always wanted it but he'd been too afraid of getting hurt again. It's safer not to attach yourself to anyone. Don't let anyone get close and you don't get hurt.
But something's changed and it's irreversible. It's not that he doesn't see the other females around him anymore, but they're just regular people to him now. Some are incredibly beautiful and he has noticed, but the urge to talk to them and maybe get them into his bed is gone. Ever since he's admitted that he's in love with Olivia, and even before that, she's been occupying more and more space in his thoughts. And now there's barely any room left for anything else. He wonders if it will stay that way and if he's completely honest with himself, he wonders if maybe his roving eye will want to make a comeback over time. But he remembers his father's wise words, born from first-hand experience. It's a decision you can make. Just close that door … It's not very difficult once you're sure.
Once you're sure.
He glances at Olivia again and his heart soars a little every time he sees her. He can't look into the future but he definitely knows what he wants right now. He wants to try and make it work with this woman. He's sure of that. After twenty years, he has finally found someone that is worth taking the risk for; that is worth making changes for.
She and her partner have switched places after recess and she suddenly looks at him, catching him staring. He smiles at her, drumming his fingers on his knees nervously, and Olivia smiles too.
She doesn't know what to think. He didn't sleep with that woman he was with at the fountain? They seemed to be pretty far gone from what she'd heard but now he tells her he didn't go through with it because of her. But does he mean because she'd been his guest or because of something else? She's afraid to hope for anything but it's as if she can't stop it. Her hand is still tingling from his touch and her body yearns to be touched again. It's not even just the sex she misses, but simply feeling his skin against hers; just looking into his eyes and reading his emotions there; just hearing his voice.
She's still in love with him and for the first time, she dares to think that there might be something more for her in the cards after all. She tries not to think beyond that, even if she has the uncanny ability to overthink everything. They'll need to talk first, and while she'd shut down all contact for five days, she desperately wants to talk to him now.
An argument erupts in the front of the room and everyone's attention is back where it belongs in a courtroom. Perry has taken the stand and is asserting that Michelle had indeed propositioned him, asking for rough sex so she could then cry rape. When asked about all the texts between Michelle and her friends about ending her relationship with Perry in the weeks before the party, he claims it's all part of the setup. They're all in on it.
One of Michelle's friends has jumped up and is now yelling at the defendant, making quite a scene. Olivia leans forward to place a comforting hand on Michelle's shoulder. The young woman is trembling and whispers at her,
"He can't do this, can he? He isn't getting away with it, is he?"
"No. No honey. Not a chance. The ADA knows what to do," she whispers back, trying to put as much certainty in her words as she can muster.
Once Michelle's friend has calmed down after a very stern warning from the judge, Perry is allowed to finish his theory before Casey Novak steps forward for the cross-examination. She asks him a few general questions first, about his family and where he was born, and Perry doesn't really know what to make of it. Then she asks him about his relationships prior to Michelle. How many were there and how did they end? This seems to make the young man a little nervous and Gene tries to suppress a smile.
"What if we asked one of your other ex-girlfriends to tell us a little bit more about yourself. What do you think she'd say?" Casey asks him, while walking up to the jury slowly and looking at them.
"Would they tell us what a nice guy you always were? That the relationship didn't work out but you were always a great boyfriend? Kind, attentive, sensitive to their needs?"
When she looks at him again, Perry shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Gene is beginning to wonder if they really have another ex lined up behind the door.
"Or would they tell us that they ended the relationship because you became too demanding? Too controlling? That you always wanted something back after a night out because you'd payed for everything? That you never listened when they said no, but insisted until they gave in to avoid a fight?"
When Perry sits up a little straighter to say something, Casey adds one more thing.
"And that you weren't actually very good in bed, Mr. Lewis?"
Several people in the audience chuckle and it enrages Perry.
"I can get it up just fine!" he snaps.
"I have no doubt you can," Casey responds dryly, "but there's more to good sex than just plugging it in, Mr. Lewis., If you want the lady to enjoy it too, that is."
"Is there a question here, Your Honor," Perry's attorney pipes up and Casey smiles sweetly at the judge.
"Like I said, Mr. Perry, what do you think another of your ex-girlfriends would tell us about you?"
"Your Honor, how can my client answer that question?"
"Just tell me this, Mr. Lewis. Was it important to you how your girlfriends felt, either in or outside the bedroom? Is that something they might tell us about you? That they felt that they mattered?"
"Uh … well, of course," Perry mutters.
"So even if they asked you for rough sex, you'd still make sure you didn't actually hurt them, or worse, injure them?"
"I … yeah. Yeah, sure but … I mean, how can you tell, right?"
Casey turns to face the jury again and smirks.
"Well, I'm convinced. Aren't you?" she says, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Objection!" Perry's lawyer yells but Casey is already retreating back to her seat.
"Withdrawn, Your Honor. No further questions at this time."
…
Michelle's testimony is heartbreaking and the jury is clearly affected by her recount of her relationship with Perry, his controlling nature, the breakup and the subsequent harassment she's endured; Perry claiming repeatedly on social media that he'd dumped her because she was crazy and finally the brutal revenge rape during a loft party, while his friend stood guard outside the bedroom door. Pictures are shown of the bruises on her wrists and ankles, caused by handcuffs. Real ones.
"Why would I let him restrain me after the way he'd been talking about me? I'm not even into that," Michelle says. "I went into that hallway with him so we could talk privately. I still didn't want to embarrass him in front of other people. That's just not me, you know? I was gonna tell him off once and for all, but then they pushed me into the bedroom. The cuffs and the gag were already laid out on the bed. They planned the whole thing in advance."
A picture is shown on the screen of the ravaged bedroom and Casey reminds the jury of the ME's earlier testimony about Michelle's internal and external injuries. There is even a picture of blood stains on the bed sheets.
"This was not the result of rough sex after a seduction," the ADA states in her closing arguments, "but the result of a man who was raised in an environment that does not take no for an answer. A man who is incapable of accepting rejection and his only response to it is retaliation. It is time for him to face the consequences of his actions, perhaps for the first time in his life, so he can never hurt anyone else again. It is time for him to learn that no means no. Every. Single. Time."
Gene wishes he could applaud the words of the ADA. He is duly impressed with how she's presented the case and can't imagine it going any other way except a guilty verdict on all counts. It gives him a much greater understanding of why Olivia does what she does, and his admiration for her and her coworkers has multiplied by ten over the course of the trial.
After both parties have finished making their closing arguments and the jury retreats to deliberate the case, everyone files out of the room.
Gene watches Olivia hug Michelle while Elliot shakes the hands of Michelle's parents. He sees how Olivia touches base with Casey Novak quickly and it makes him happy for her to see how much they all operate as a team. It has to feel good to be part of a group that has such an important mission. While he waits for Olivia, he makes eye contact with her partner. The man doesn't trust him yet, and he can't blame him. He, too, will have to face the consequences of his actions. He's hurt Olivia, and the fact that he didn't know she would see him or that she had any feelings for him, doesn't make it better at all. He should never have walked into the arms of another woman and he needs to make things right with her. Admit to her that he knows he screwed up. He can't turn back the clock, but he wants to find a way forward with her if she'll still have him. She deserves a heartfelt apology and she deserves to know the truth about his feelings for her.
...
They go to a bar across the street from the courthouse and Olivia walks quietly next to Gene. She has asked Elliot to let her know as soon as the jury comes back. She knows her partner had wanted to say something else but she isn't ready to hear his warnings about Gene. This is something she needs to do alone.
Gene's hand brushes her back as they enter the bar and she can feel goosebumps forming underneath her clothes. It's scary to admit how utterly happy she is to see him again. She hardly recognizes herself anymore. She thought she'd always been searching for something real but now that she has all these feelings, she's beginning to get cold feet. Maybe this is all a little too real. But the tiny flame inside her heart is alive and well, refusing to die even in the face of all kinds of doom scenarios she can conjure up. That tiny voice inside her keeps asking, could this be it at last? Could it finally be my turn? Can someone love me after all?
They sit opposite each other at a small table and they each order a cup of coffee. Once it's been placed in front of them, Gene takes a deep breath and Olivia leans back a little in her seat.
"Olivia, first of all, I can't apologize to you enough for what I did the other night."
He watches her for a reaction but when she doesn't say anything, he continues. She's heard his apology before.
"I can tell myself we're not a couple and you can tell yourself we're not a couple, but you were my date for the weekend."
Olivia nods and he does too.
"I was upset, being confronted with someone from my past unexpectedly, but that is still a lousy excuse to run off like that."
"I was right there. You could have talked to me," she says quietly and they can both hear the hurt in her voice.
She hadn't planned to be so vulnerable but he seems to bring that out in her. Gene reaches for her hand across the table and she simply can't pull it away. Over the course of the week, missing him has begun to override every other emotion she had felt. Yes, she had felt betrayed and hurt and discarded as if she didn't matter. But what had hurt the most was the fact that she just couldn't manage to shut down her feelings for this man. She still cares about him. She still misses him and had felt empty without him. Seeing him again now makes her feel almost stupid because she finally feels complete again. There is a lot to talk about but she knows. Her heart knows that she loves him.
"I know and I'm so sorry," Gene says softly. "I wish I had."
He rubs the inside of her hand with his thumb and they both look at their joined hands on the table.
"I want to try to explain something," he then tells her, and she looks up to meet his eyes. "It's not that I'm trying to justify what I did, Olivia. Honestly."
She purses her lips and nods, ignoring the tingling in her hand and arm and trying to focus on Gene's words.
"I think Frank told you the gist of my history with Barbara, the woman at the party."
"He did," she confirms. "She took advantage of you and then broke your heart."
Gene nods and continues to stare at their hands on the table, rubbing hers nervously now.
"It's not just those memories I ran away from when I took off."
His voice is soft now, as if he's afraid to speak out loud and Olivia wraps her fingers around his thumb, making Gene look up at her.
"Tell me."
He can see the professional in her instantly. She exudes the same kind of empathy he'd seen when she was speaking with Michelle, encouraging her with words and small gestures. But he doesn't want her pity and he doesn't want her to look at him as some kind of patient. He needs her to know how he really feels, even if it freaked him out when it hit him that night. And so he takes a deep breath and continues.
"I never felt that way again. Not for twenty years. There wasn't a single woman who could truly move me after Barbara crushed my heart. Until now."
Olivia's breath catches in her throat. He is actually saying it. He is fanning the flame and she can't stop the hope inside her from flaring up.
"I was terrified, Olivia," she hears Gene whisper and she sees the genuine pain and even a trace of panic in his eyes. "And I guess I still am but … I'm not going to run away from this. Not again. I damn nearly lost you the first time. Just tell me I haven't lost you already."
...
To be continued.
I tried to finish this quickly for you so I hope it wasn't too rushed. I'd love to hear what you think!