23. Confession

"I was terrified, Olivia," she hears Gene whisper and she sees the genuine pain and even a trace of panic in his eyes. "And I guess I still am but … I'm not going to run away from this. Not again. I damn nearly lost you the first time. Just tell me I haven't lost you already."

His heart is almost beating out of his chest by now. He's putting it all out there and he is acutely aware of the fact that Olivia is now holding his whole heart in her hands. And she doesn't know what to do with it.

"I don't know what to say," she says finally and he sees his own fears reflected in her eyes.

He knows why he's so scared of getting hurt but he wonders about her.

"What was it for you?" he asks her.

Olivia looks at him in confusion. It's all a bit much to take in and she doesn't understand his question at all. What was what for her?

"I mean … I know why I locked my heart away, but why did you?" Gene clarifies and she gets it now. But what can she tell him? What made her feel like she isn't worth making a real effort for? That she isn't lovable? Can she tell him that? Won't he want to run away even faster than he already has?

She always tells survivors of abuse that they matter. That what happened to them matters and that the person who hurt them, deserves to be punished. But what do you tell someone who should never have been born in the first place? Who had felt nothing but resentment from her own mother merely for existing, for being a daily reminder of a trauma that was never dealt with? She finds her worth in her job, in helping others overcome their trauma but not in herself. Not really.

She sighs and looks at the man sitting opposite her. She still has a firm grip on his thumb but he doesn't seem to mind. He makes her feel like she matters; or at least, until he decided to find comfort with someone else. And now he's telling her that he wasn't just confused because of a past trauma but also because he has feelings for her? That she actually does matter to him, more than all the other women he's been sleeping with?

He's as scared as she is but he is putting it all on the line. Hell, they have nothing to lose at this point so why not? Olivia takes another deep breath and speaks quickly when she tells him,

"I'm not supposed to be here. I'm only on this planet because someone decided to rape my mother. I'm here because a crime was committed."

Gene is shocked.

It's written all over his face and Olivia releases his thumb so he can pull his hand away. She braces herself for the inevitable and looks down at her coffee so she won't have to see Gene close himself off for her again. But he doesn't pull his hand away. Instead, he reaches for her with both hands now and Olivia looks at his hands. Not his face. His hands are open, palms up on the table next to hers, and inviting. She loves his hands, and not just because of what they can do to her body. They're soft yet strong and make her feel safe. But she's frozen in place, unsure of what to do.

"Olivia," Gene says softly, and she can hear a tenderness in his voice that makes her chin tremble.

"Baby, look at me," he pleads with her and when she still doesn't move, he stands up.

Olivia finally looks up at him, wondering what he'll do. Before she can object, he has pulled her up out of her seat and is enveloping her in his arms.

"My God, Olivia. I had no idea," he whispers. "You are so, so much braver than I imagined."

Olivia doesn't want to cry and tries very hard to keep her tears at bay, but she can't keep her body from relaxing in Gene's hold anyway. He feels like home and she's missed it. No matter how hurt she's felt, she still missed him and she wants to accept his apology. She wraps her arms around his waist and rests her cheek against his shoulder, facing away from him. Gene is caressing her back with one hand while his other hand is holding her close to him, as if he's afraid she may run away any second.

Gene inhales her scent and his heart comes alive again. He is holding Olivia again and it's everything. But he feels her pain and he knows that what he's done has only made Olivia's own trauma worse. What a struggle that has to be, dealing with rapists and their victims every day, while knowing that the same crime is what gave her life. He nuzzles his nose in her hair and asks her softly,

"Did you think that would make me love you less?"

They both tense up the moment he drops the L-word but he isn't going to take it back. Not now. She needs to hear it more than ever and he needs to stop being a coward once and for all and admit it. Olivia lifts her head and he gives her a little space so she can look up at him. But not too much. He isn't planning on letting her go just yet.

"You can't love me," she tells him with a trembling voice. "I'm not supposed to be here."

Gene drops his head until his forehead collides gently with hers. He closes his eyes. He'd had no idea how damaged Olivia truly is. He'd had no idea why she had agreed to casual sex with him. He knows the story behind most of the women he sees but not hers. She doesn't share herself with others and he understands now. He disagrees wholeheartedly with her reasoning but he understands it.

"You are here," Gene tells her. "It's not about what was or wasn't supposed to happen. You are here now and I for one couldn't be happier about that. There is only one thing that could make me even happier."

"And what's that?" Olivia whispers as they sway a little together.

The movement and the feeling of his arms around her waist and his forehead against hers, is somehow grounding for Olivia.

"Tell me you don't hate me for what happened at the party and give me a chance to date you for real. Exclusively. Just you and me."

She can't believe he still wants that, knowing what he knows now about her. She's got issues and those won't go away overnight. And Gene has issues too. She can't deny that she's wondered about Gene's lifestyle, and whether he wouldn't just be willing to give it up, but be capable of giving it up for one woman. He did tell her that even when he was young, he'd always wondered about the next girl. His heart hadn't been crushed yet by that predator and she wonders about it. She knows she will need to ask him about it but his next move takes her breath away momentarily, both literally and figuratively. He moves one hand up to her face and uses his index finger to raise her chin gently. Once she's looking up at him, he leans in and whispers against her lips,

"Please."

And then he kisses her. Softly. Very softly. He nips at her bottom lip with his lips and kisses her again, but doesn't take it any further than that. Olivia can't suppress a small moan anyway because she's missed him so much.

"I know I screwed up," he tells her and she thinks she's heard him say that often enough. She shakes her head and Gene lifts his head to look into her eyes.

"I did," he insists and Olivia finally manages a small smile despite all the emotions churning inside her.

"If we're gonna act like a couple of basket cases, this is going to go nowhere," she tells Gene, who also smiles now.

Her smile widens and his heart skips several beats. She is so beautiful but it's her words that give him the hope he's been yearning for.

"Do you want it to go somewhere?" he asks, and he hears the desperate hope in his own voice. He's really falling hard for this woman. There is no way back now. Olivia doesn't answer his question with words. Instead, she wraps her hand around the back of his neck and pulls him down for another kiss. She is far less tentative than he was and he groans softly when their tongues meet briefly before she pulls away. They are in a public place after all.

They're both grinning like fools and glance around. The other people in the bar are suddenly pretending not to notice them and they quickly sit back down at their table to finish their coffee.

"Thank you, Olivia," Gene says but Olivia holds up a hand.

"It's alright. I just have one last question about what happened and then I hope we will never have to talk about it again."

"Anything, Olivia. Ask me anything."

"You knew I had seen you, right? At the time, I mean."

Gene nods slowly, looking down at his coffee.

"Yeah. I heard the glass falling and … well, I knew it had to be you."

"If that hadn't happened … if I hadn't knocked that glass off the balcony and you'd had no idea anyone had seen you, would you have stopped too? Or would you have slept with her first and then regretted it?"

…

It's a good question. A question that deserves an answer because she is asking him if she will be able to trust him going forward. He isn't going to lie but he doesn't know how she will take his answer. Because honestly, he isn't sure. He wants to think that he would have stopped himself either way but his head hadn't been clear at all. He had just wanted to run and hide, and forget about love for a while. He had definitely not been himself because he was going to use Jasmyn and that goes against everything he stands for; even if Jasmyn had been fine with it. Thinking of Olivia possibly seeing him with Jasmyn was what had sobered him up after a while, but he wants to believe that he wouldn't have been able to go through with it at all. But the truth is that he isn't sure, so that is what he will need to tell her.

When he looks at her, he can see the resignation in her eyes even before he gives her his answer and it's a painful confrontation with himself.

"I want to think I would have stopped when I did," he says quietly, "but the truth is, I'm not sure what would have happened."

Olivia nods and blows out a breath slowly. And then she thanks him.

"For what?" Gene asks her.

"For being honest with me. That's all I'm asking."

Gene breathes a sigh of relief. Honesty will not be a problem and Olivia deserves nothing less.

Once they've finished their coffee, there is still no word from the jury. They decide to go for a stroll in the area, staying close to the courthouse so they can get back quickly once Elliot sends word. They don't expect the jury to take very long to reach the unanimous decision that Perry is guilty. They discuss the case briefly but walk together in silence mostly, each caught up in their own thoughts. They feel lighter now and Gene keeps glancing at the beauty walking beside him. He is so grateful that she's willing to give him another chance and when he takes her hand and holds it, Olivia smiles. He wants to thank her again but he knows she doesn't want to dwell on his mistake for too long. Still, he wonders why she'd been so quick to forgive after ignoring him for five whole days. After a while he finally asks her,

"Olivia, why do you even bother with me? I've always said I'm not made for real relationships."

Olivia sucks her lower lip between her teeth. How should she answer that question? She's tried so hard not to start feeling anything for Gene for that very reason. She squeezes his hand a little harder and they stop walking on the corner of Centre Street and Worth, next to the small park there.

"Well, you're pretty amazing in the bedroom," she jokes, trying to keep the mood light now that the profuse apologizing is finally out of the way.

Gene smiles and stands in front of her to take her other hand in his as well.

"That can't be all we have," he replies.

"Well, for a long time it actually was."

Gene nods.

"True. I tried to tell myself that that was all it was."

"But?"

Olivia tilts her head, hoping that Gene will fill in the obvious blanks for her but he grins. He sees right through her.

"Oh no. That's not my question to answer. I asked you first."

"Bummer," Olivia says and then they both laugh.

It feels good to laugh again and it's even better to laugh with Gene again. She knows what he's asking of her and she knows that she should put words to what she's begun to feel for him, but it's very hard for her. It was easier when she was just one of the women he spent time with, but now that he wants to be only with her, she can't hide behind their arrangement anymore. Gene prods a little further, pulling her close to him by her hands until they're chest to chest. Olivia tries to roll her eyes but she can't even do that without chuckling. He just has that effect on her, especially now that the fire of hope is raging inside her. She's scared of it but she wants it just the same, and it makes her a little giddy.

Gene leans in and frames her face with one hand. She moves instinctively to meet his kiss and they sway together while he kisses her deeply. When they break apart she takes a deep breath. She wants to say something and Gene is all ears.

"I tried to date other people," she tells him, and Gene nods. "But after one attempt ended, I went straight back to you."

"Why?" he asks her softly.

"I've never been with anyone like you before," she admits. "I always felt revived after being with you, like I could take on the world. I kept coming back for more of that."

"So … are you saying you were addicted to me?"

He tries very hard not to make it sound cocky but they both smile anyway.

"That's one way of putting it," she gives him and he would be lying if he said her words don't stroke his ego. But he hopes it's about more than just his skills in the bedroom, even if Olivia doesn't seem ready to admit that.

"I'm yours if you'll still have me," he tells her and he hopes she knows by now that he isn't just talking about sex.

Olivia licks her lips and he sees the look in her eyes change then. Her next words move him deeply.

"I missed you."

She caresses his cheek with her hand and he leans into her touch, reveling in it. It's a caring touch, dare he say loving? It's not part of foreplay with sex as the only goal of them being together. She hasn't just missed his body, and his heart is ready to explode with joy and relief and happiness.

"I missed you too. So much," he tells her and tears well up in his eyes unexpectedly.

Olivia can see very clearly that this is a different Gene than the man she met all those months ago at the station. He was unattached then; detached even, literally, not only from his surroundings but from his real self. But he showed her in the bedroom what kind of man he is. She's never been showered with attention like that before and in a way, it's been like a drug for her. Maybe she is addicted to him, and the prospect of not having to share him anymore is incredible. She still hasn't really parsed that part yet but she knows she felt better the instant she saw him earlier today. It's frightening to be dependent on someone else in a way but she can't seem to stop herself this time. And the way he's looking at her now isn't just with desire for her body. It's much more than that.

And then her phone buzzes and Gene takes a small step back so she can check her messages.

"It's from Elliot. The jury is back."

...

To be continued. Reviews are life.
Next chapter, some alone time for our lovely couple (finally) ;)