Apologies for the absurd delay. I have no excuse, I was distracted.

About this chapter, all I'll say is: you called it, justanotherbookwork78 ;) Sorry ...

...

31. Alone

She can't come.

Gene doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Olivia had barely managed to squeeze in their blood tests and had then had to rush back to work. Something about a child porn ring and three rescued children; clearly an emergency. He gets that.

But still.

He had pictured their afternoon very differently, somehow thinking that taking these tests was kind of romantic and deserved their full attention. He had wanted to take her out to dinner afterwards and then take the limo to Long Island. And while Olivia had been motivated to get the tests done because she really did want to get closer to him in every way, he is still left with an unsettling feeling that he can't quite put into words. He is disappointed, obviously, but there's something else. It's as if he just can't quite 'grasp' Olivia, for lack of a better word. He knows he loves her but part of him wonders how well he actually knows her. It's as if he still can't really get to the core of who Olivia Benson is. He tries very hard not to blame her for that and not to blame her job too much for their ruined plans. Deep down, he knows he has issues that may cloud his judgment and even influence his feelings - especially his sense of rejection; but it's not easy to have to let her go again and park his plans with her, without knowing when they will be able to reschedule.

He decides to go to the estate anyway. It will be good for him to talk to his parents. He's 37 but when it comes down to it, his parents are still the people he turns to for life advice. He's been on the phone with both his mother and his father since his reconciliation with Olivia, and they are very happy that Olivia is willing to give him another chance. They had both been taken with her and had been very disappointed to suddenly find her gone. He knows they're disappointed in him mostly, but their love is unconditional as always. He's their son, and despite his fear of committing to anyone else, his family has always kept him grounded. He likes going home as he still calls it, almost fifteen years after moving out to live on his own. It's the one place where he can truly be himself without having to worry about appearances. And he wants Olivia to feel at home with them too. She's never had that before. She doesn't even know who her father is. Gene knows his own father would love her like a daughter; it's just who Hank Butler is and he is the man Gene aspires to be.

He sighs when he leans back in the limo. He's sat alone in the backseat countless times but it's never been a problem. But now? Now he just wishes Olivia was next to him. He misses her already. It's just not the same without her anymore.

…

Olivia knows Gene is disappointed. She is too, but there is no way she can get away now. She doesn't really want to, either. These children need her. They have one boy and two girls in their care now. One of the two little girls they rescued is afraid of all men, including Elliot, and clings to her in the family room. She hasn't spoken a single word since they found her. They think her name is Julia because it's the name on the pendant of her necklace. They are searching for the children's parents but it's not easy to identify the little four- and five-year olds since the three of them have a hard time remembering their last names or where they live. The rest of her team is on their phones and going through missing persons reports from around the country, since the children are most likely not from the city. Olivia knows this is where she needs to be right now and she can only hope Gene truly understands.

She'd seen the look in his eyes change when she told him she had to return to work at once, and she'd felt guilty instantly. That's when she'd felt her defenses kick in. She doesn't have to feel guilty about doing her job, she reasons with herself. Gene knew about her irregular hours before they became something more serious. If he can't deal with it now, he will just have to find someone with a 9 to 5 job.

But that thought makes her heart hurt. She always used to be able to shut a man out before he could reject her; push him away before he'd get too close and he'd find out she wasn't what he wanted anyway. She had guarded her heart with an army of arguments why they'd be better off without her and had even tried to convince herself that in the end, she'd be better off alone.

And it's not as if she can't take care of herself. She can. She's proven that for over thirty years. She'd been independent long before she should have been. She can take care of herself just fine.

But …

But it's so much nicer with Gene. Those few times that she got to go home knowing he was there, make her thirsty for more of that. She doesn't want to pull her defenses all the way back up this time. She can already start to feel the loss of everything she'd miss out on, that would be on the other side of the wall. Her old ways are trying to kick in but it's as if something's blocking them. And that's definitely a first. She doesn't want to pull up that wall anymore. Not with Gene because … she is too deeply in love with him.

She swallows hard at that realization and rubs little Julia's back reassuringly when the girl sniffles against her shoulder. She's still sitting in the family room with Julia in her lap, rocking her gently while they wait for news on Julia's family, and the little girl has started crying for her mother. It's a good sign, Olivia knows, because it means she's coming out of her initial shock of what's been done to her and the endless poking and prodding she's had to endure at the hospital.

"Momma, momma,"she cries and it breaks Olivia's heart.

She just holds the little girl close and kisses the crown of her head. After a while, Julia falls asleep, exhaustion finally taking over and Olivia closes her eyes for a few moments as well. Her thoughts automatically drift back to Gene, and the disappointment in his eyes. Her natural instinct has always been to flee, but she's feeling something completely different this time. She wants to reach out to him. She wonders what he's doing now; if he's gone to Long Island without her. She reaches for her phone in front of her on the small crafts table and manages to get it without waking up Julia. She operates the phone with one thumb and finds Gene's number. If they can't be together, at least they can chat a little.

…

Olivia speaks very softly and Gene is instantly concerned. She assures him that she's fine, but explains that there is a young girl sleeping against her chest who really needs her rest. It must be one of the little victims of that child porn ring. Gene experiences a weird mix of emotions, ranging from anger and disgust at people who can abuse a child in such a horrific, traumatizing manner to pride that his girlfriend is actually making a difference in these children's lives, to endearment and love for Olivia, who no doubt has a way with children if a little victim can fall asleep with her.

He's glad she's called him. He needs that bit of reassurance that she really had wanted to come with him; that he's even on her mind amid all the horrors that are part of her daily work life. He tells her that he is already at the house and he thinks he can hear a subdued sigh at the other end of the line.

"Liv?"

"Yeah."

"Everything alright. I mean, under the circumstances?"

"I'm fine, Gene."

"But?"

She's silent for a few moments but then tells him softly,

"I just wish I could have come with you."

Her words mean more to him than he'd realized and he finds himself grinning like a fool. Yes, he's still disappointed that Olivia isn't with him now and that all their plans went out the window - or rather, his plans. But to hear her voice, and to hear her say that she's disappointed too, makes him feel so much better.

"I'm so glad you called me," he tells her. "You know you didn't have to."

"I know," Olivia says quietly. "I'm kind of surprising myself here, too."

Anne comes into the room with two glasses of wine, followed by Hank who is carrying one glass and a small tray with a few appetizers on it. Gene wishes they had come in just a few minutes later because he is aware that he has just been granted another glimpse of Olivia's heart. She's surprising herself by calling him and it fits that she wouldn't be used to being vulnerable like that; showing her desire to be in touch with him instead of simply burying herself in her work.

"Mom and dad are here," he tells her quickly, hoping she will understand that he can't talk freely anymore.

"Oh, please tell them I'm very sorry that I couldn't make it."

"Already did. They understand. Those little children need you. Us adults will manage."

He hears Olivia chuckle softly and he's glad she is able to relax.

"Let me know when you're back home?" he asks her and she agrees to call him again later.

After hanging up, he looks at his parents, who have sat down and are both watching him contently. They don't need to explain to him why they're so content. They've always hoped he would find a woman to love, to build something real with. His pain had been their pain too and he knows that his mother had been especially worried that he would never find true love again, simply because he wasn't looking anymore.

He had been looking though; he just hadn't realized it. But now that he is allowing himself to love Olivia, he knows that this is really what he's been looking for all his life. He may have thought it wasn't for him but he knew true love was still out there. And now he has found it and he's happy to share his happiness with his parents.

"Do you think she'll be busy all weekend?" his mother inquires and he smiles.

"You're hoping she can still join us," he deduces and Anne smiles.

"I can imagine she'll feel a bit awkward, being here again. I want to make her feel at home, so she knows she is welcome. The sooner the better."

"Don't worry mother, I'm not going to let this one get away," he tells his mother with a grin, and Hank nods approvingly.

"That's the spirit, son. When you know what you want, you go for it."

"Unless the woman in question doesn't want the same thing, of course," Anne adds dryly. "She's not an object."

Hank rolls his eyes dramatically but both he and Gene know Anne is joking, even though her words are true of course. But she knows her husband doesn't view women as accessories.

"It's not the woman I want, mother. It's what we have together that I want to hold on to."

Anne bites her lip and Gene thinks she's actually getting a little emotional.

"You better make her happy, Gene," Hank interjects. "She deserves it."

"Yes, she does," Gene agrees. "She definitely does."

...

Elliot comes into the family room quietly, carrying a takeout bag, and closes the door very softly so he won't wake Julia up.

"Any word on the families?" Olivia asks him.

It's past 8 in the evening and Olivia has been napping along with Julia.

"We found two of them. The other girl is named Nicky and her mother is taking the first flight from Pittsburgh."

"Pittsburgh. Wow. And the other family?"

Elliot sits down at the table and puts the Chinese food on it. Olivia does feel a little hungry and the food smells amazing.

"It's Julia's. Her parents are on the way as well."

Olivia looks down at the sleeping girl in her arms. Julia has been sound asleep for hours and Olivia's left arm has gone numb. But it doesn't matter. Her parents are coming!

"Where is she from?" Olivia asks her partner.

"New Jersey. They're driving up."

"That's gonna take a long time. I'm so glad she's been sleeping."

Olivia rubs Julia's back again and the little girl stirs but doesn't wake up.

"And what about the boy?"

Elliot pulls his shoulders up and rolls them before leaning back in the hard wooden chair.

"Nothing yet. We're beginning to wonder if his parents are among the suspects we arrested."

Elliot tells her that he's been chatting with the boy, whose name is Josh, and that the people who were producing the child porn were teaching him to perform sexual acts himself.

"He doesn't like it because he hates to be naked but he mentioned that his willy feels nice sometimes."

Olivia shakes her head. A five-year old being taught to please himself. They have been grooming him to become an abuser.

"He made it a point to let me know he didn't want to touch the girls," Elliot added, his voice laced with disgust. "I told him nobody blames him; that he did nothing wrong. Just the grownups."

The grownups. The people who are supposed to take care of the children and teach them right from wrong. They will never get used to these cases.

…

Dinner with his parents is nice. It always is. But Gene just can't shake the sense of loss he feels to be here alone. It's a scary feeling, because he's never felt alone before. Maybe for a little while after Barbara, but he's hardened himself since. He watches his parents interact like he has so often before, and he knows he's looking at them differently now. He may have always had a sense of longing to have such a pure relationship as they have, but his thoughts about it have color now, and a face. And it makes his heart beat a little faster when he thinks of it. He wants desperately to believe that he's actually found it and that their love will last but it's frightening too, the hold Olivia now has on his heart. He is letting her in, and in the process, he is giving her the power to crush him. He needs to trust her now. He is losing the full control of his own life, as today has already shown. He'd had plans but things have gone differently. Olivia has made a different choice and his plans are out the window. He's always been used to having control over his life; every aspect of it. He's a planner by nature but you can't plan a woman. He knows this of course, he knows the theory. But this is the real deal. This is as real as it's going to get. He can only hope that Olivia feels the same way and it's unsettling that he needs to give her part of the controls. Maybe she has all the controls, since she has all of his heart now.

"Are you worried about her, son?" Hank asks, and Gene clears his throat.

His concerns must have been written all over his face. He shakes his head.

"Not about where she is or what she's doing, if that's what you mean."

Hank nods slowly and Gene sees his mother glance at her husband.

"Your father was jittery too, at first. Scared to death that I'd walk out of his life one day," she remarked.

Gene sighs. Like father, like son.

"How did you get over that fear?" he asked his father.

Hank smiled before telling him quite seriously,

"Not overnight, I'm afraid, but I got there eventually. Little by little."

...

The team is there for the parents when they arrive and there is some professional help to help them deal with the emotional roller coaster they're on. When Julia spots her mother, she reaches for her and Olivia can finally move again. She feels stiff and Elliot motions to her to go so she can freshen up. She takes a quick shower and changes into clean jeans and and NYPD sweatshirt before joining the others again. Nicky's parents have taken her with them and will be staying at a hotel in the city, and Julia's parents are just leaving.

"Livia," Julia says softly when she sees her enter and Olivia feels like crying for a while.

The little girl has been scarred so badly but to see that she's been able to do something for her, makes Olivia feel immensely grateful. The girl wants to give her a hug before she leaves and when Julia puts her little hand in her father's hand, they know that she'll be alright, eventually.

Josh has been taken in by Children's services for now and Elliot tells her he will follow up on the boy.

"You go and get some sleep," he urges. "We've got the kids. The case will be here tomorrow."

Olivia nods and squeezes Elliot's arm.

"You should go home too and hug your own kids, El."

Her partner sighs and swallows. These cases never get any easier. They ask Cragen if they can go and promise to be back first thing in the morning. Elliot drops Olivia off at her building and suddenly she is alone again.

She wishes Gene were here and picks up the printout of the apartment he wants to show her, that he's left on her kitchen counter. She pulls her phone out of her back pocket and dials his number again.

…

To be continued ...