Chapter 8.2

Timeline- This story takes place in the fall before Sam leaves for college (although no one in the family has found out yet.) Adam has just turned 13 and Sam is 17.

Adam sat idly at the expansive library table surrounded by dusty old books, each opened and waiting for him. His older brother sat across from him, glancing quickly between the books and quickly scratching notes from them into a worn notebook. Adam watched Sam work, knowing that he too should be taking notes to figure out the history of the ghost that Dad and Dean had come to town to hunt. He knew the importance of the hunt, the seriousness of the situation, but every time he looked down at the page he found that his vision blurred and his mind drifted off.

"Adam!" Sam hissed sharply.

Adam was startled back into himself as he looked at Sam to find his brother staring at him worriedly.

"Dude, you been spacing out all day. What's up?" Sam asked, concerned.

Adam shrugged and looked back down at the book of local ghost stories in front of him. Sam didn't push any further, but shook his head and went back to his own book and notes.

It wasn't until Adam could feel that Sam's eyes had left him, he felt the courage to answer.

"I've just been thinking about my mom," he said quietly, still not looking at his brother.

The silence between them was heavy for a moment before Sam responded, "Oh."

Adam knew that his mother's death was an awkward subject between him and his new family. He was smart enough to realize that he had probably been traumatized by the entire situation, but didn't know if there was anything he could really do about it. Logically he realized he should use some of the time that he and Sam spent in various libraries to look up books on grief and trauma, but he never felt brave enough to even search for them in the card catalogue. Adam figured that his Dad was supposed to have helped him somehow. Parents in tv shows were always talking to kids about their feelings and working stuff out. But over the year that Adam had spent with John Winchester and his two older sons, Adam had figured out that simply wasn't the way his own father worked. Dad didn't talk about Mary, his first wife and he never spoke about Adam's mom either. Any time that Adam tried to bring up his mom or his grief, he was met with a tight squeeze on the shoulder and a "You'll get through it son", which Adam felt didn't help at all. To be honest he didn't want to "get through it". Was there really anything to get through? It wasn't like it was going to go away, that one day this horrible reality would fade away and his mom would be back and he could go back to school and life and everything would be how it was.

Similar, his oldest brother Dean was no help either. Dean had been pretty damn hostile when they first met and although he was never purposely cruel to Adam, it had take until just the past few months for him to warm up to his youngest brother. When Adam had finally tried to talk to Dean about his mom and this new life that he had been thrown into Dean couldn't really help. He didn't seem to understand Adam's feelings at all.

'Look kid, this is the hand you were dealt and you just gotta take that and live with it and move on,' he had said.

To Dean life just happened. He had decided long ago to take every day and every moment as it came. He didn't focus on feelings and he encouraged Adam to do the same.

Adam wished he could do that. He wished he could brush off his feelings with a sarcastic quip and throw himself into whatever monster of the week his Dad had found for the family to hunt. Adam sometimes wondered if because he was raised by just his mom he was more 'in touch with his feelings' or whatever than his brothers were. He'd already seen how hard it was for their Dad to face emotional situations, and even Sam who was more willing to talk to Adam about his feelings still had a really hard time with it. Just another thing in the ever-growing list that made Adam feel like an outside within his family.

Adam glanced up to see Sam staring at him sadly. He could feel that Sam wanted to help, but didn't know what to say. Part of him appreciated that Sam was at least willing to try to help him and tried to find the right thing to say, unlike Dad and Dean, but another part of him was angry that Sam couldn't help him.

Adam looked away from his brother, glancing over to the bookshelves behind him, deciding at that moment to push forward and let Sam in a little, hoping against hope that Sam would have something to say that could help him 'get through it' a little, at least for today.

"I've just been thinking of what my life would be like if my mom was here," Adam whispered, avoiding his brother's gaze.

"Oh…" Sam whispered in return. He was silent for a beat and Adam's heart clenched in his chest terrified that Sam would tell him to shut up and stop being such a girl.

"Man…" Sam started, then paused. "I'm so sorry, man." he said misery clear in his voice. He paused for a few awkward moments before trying to continue. "I…" he said, starting and stopping again, running a hand over his mouth and across his jaw, "I wish she was here too," he said finally.

Adam felt tears well up in his eyes and he bit the inside of his lip and held his breath trying to keep them from falling.

"I know this life sucks," Sam said continuing. "If it makes you feel any better I think about what life would be like if my mom was here too."

Adam risked losing his tight hold on his tears to look at his brother, sadness written across his young face. There was so little talk of Mary Winchester that Adam sometimes forgot that Sam and Dean had lost their mother too. He knew that Sam didn't consider the loss of his own mother to be as painful as Adam's, he'd said so when Adam had first come to them, but Adam realized that Sam still felt the same pain that Adam did even if it was rarely mentioned.

"I used to think about it a lot more when I was younger," Sam continued, now looking away from Adam and absently twisting his pencil in his hand. "I guess it got easier as I got older? I don't really know." He paused again, running a hand through his hair, clearly struggling.

"Dean used to tell me to shut up about it. He never wanted to think about mom like that, about what could have been. So I quit talking about it. But I'd still think about it. Would I be sharpening knives? Would I be tracking a werewolf or looking for patterns in crop failures and weather? Would I be here in this library looking up local legends?"

Sam took a deep breath before continuing, "Somewhere along the line, I realized that thinking about the 'what ifs' were only making me feel sadder, more angry at my life… and I'm already pretty angry about it," he said with a cynical smile.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't think about it," he said quickly, "but I had to stop. I don't know when it was, but I think…"

"I guess," he said measuring his words, "I think... I started to think about what I wanted my life to be, what I could make it…instead of thinking of what it could have been." Sam went quiet then and Adam felt his brother's eyes searching him for understanding.

"Yeah," Adam answered quietly, unsure of what response Sam was looking for.

Sam just nodded and looked away. The two sat silently in the empty library for a long time, long enough that Sam went back to his notes before Adam finally spoke again.

"Thanks man." He said earnestly, watching his brother.

Sam gave him small, sad half smile in return. Adam was sure Sam wanted to say more, Sam seemed to always have more to say, but he had noticed on this topic Sam was careful and concise. He seemed to choose his words carefully and never pushed to hard, perceptively aware of how much Adam needed to say or wanted to hear.

"I think I'm gonna take a break and go look for some non-ghost books," Adam said standing up from the table.

"Sure man, go for it," Sam said.

Adam walked away from the table and toward the library's old card catalogue determined to look for books on dealing with grief. He wasn't sure he would actually have the nerve to find the books on the shelves, but he could at least be brave enough to look up the topic.

A/N- Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I'm trying to work on a bonding situation between Adam and Dean, if anyone has suggestions i'm open to it! In my mind Dean does see Adam as a brother, but it takes him a very long time to let go of the grudge he holds against father for Adam's existence and being lied too for so long, and he often treats Adam roughly in the beginning because of it. A year in though, Dean is past it. I just want to explore the moment that Adam realizes that Dean cares about him like a brother, even if he doesn't say it. Dean seems like an 'actions are louder than words guy'.

Also thank you so much to my beta reader Luna!