A/N: thank you for more reviews, I love the feedback.
WARNING: Scenes of a sexual nature, still no lemon, just kissing… MxM you've been warned.
Chapter Five
Denial isn't just a River in Egypt
Severus slammed the door behind him and cast a rather quick silencing spell around his room. He then proceeded to rush to his fireplace, drop to his knees and throw a handful of blue dust into the crackling fire which gave a small hiss and then Severus stuck his face in.
He peered around the office of Albus Dumbledore and watched for signs of life. When he saw the man's Phoenix sitting on it's perch he felt rage build in his chest and he started to yell, "ALBUS! IF YOU ARE THERE COME OUT NOW!"
Waiting only seconds he yelled for the man again and was gratified if not slightly annoyed to hear the even yet slow footsteps approach.
"Severus! My dear boy, I've just returned not five minutes ago, I planned to call you shortly, if I could beg five minutes to refresh myself and I will join you shortly."
"Make it five seconds or I swear I will floo to you right now and leave this house unprotected." Severus barked violently.
Dumbledore was taken by surprise but nodded, "As you wish. I shall be there shortly… is everything-"
"It's bloody FINE!" and Snape pulled his head back and reemerged in his bedroom. Snape used his wand quickly to transfigure the wall and make the fireplace bigger and less than thirty seconds later Dumbledore stepped through.
"My dear boy, what is it?" the old wizard asked as he sat down in the chair closest the fire and looked up at the darkly clad man tentatively.
"What's wrong? What's WRONG!" Severus came forward and smacked his hands on the armrests forcing Dumbledore to lean back to avoid a head on collision with the man's face.
"That… that brat is what's wrong! He… he.. just…"
"Calm down my friend, sit and tell me… whatever it is don't let it weigh on you so heavily, surely we can put it right."
Severus stared at him a moment with sharp eyes and then slowly pulled away before he sat down across from him with such poise and stiff grace and straight as a board as he looked at the man with such fury, "That stupid little brat came home drunk tonight…"
This seemed to shock Dumbledore, the first time he had ever looked so surprised in years, "Harry?"
"Who else! Do you think I just keep young children about my home like some kind of hoarder!"
Dumbledore sat back a moment, his eyes staring off as he contemplated the situation. Finally he looked at Severus and asked, "Was it due to anxiety?"
Severus crossed his arms over his chest and looked away, "No, apparently when I allowed him to go spend time with the local street urchins they decided to give him a first hand look at their own future. Collecting bottles for liquor. He came home so inebriated he could not even stand, couldn't even sit without help!"
Severus's head snapped to the man before him when he heard a small chuckle escape passed his lips, "Severus, you can't blame the boy for trying to live a little. He is just sixteen after all, I know for a fact you drank your first bottle at the tender age of twelve."
Severus reeled back, "Only because my father forced it down my throat! But don't you try to distract me, the drinking isn't my main issue, I could have easily let it go and given a simple but fair punishment that wouldn't have deterred my progress with him."
"Then what ever are you so upset about?" Dumbledore asked with a smile to his voice.
"Potter, in his drunken stupor decided that he wanted to do some soul searching… he not only found himself at the mercy of one of those delinquents the boy took physical advantage of him! Then, not only does the brat boast about figuring out his sexual preference, which his uneducated brain decided to label as simply "BOTH", as I put him to bed he… he-"
"What, what did he do Severus?" Albus asked with utter curiosity, "That putrid brat kissed me! HE KISSED ME ALBUS! STRAIGHT ON THE MOUTH WHILE HE MADE A RATHER PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE ME VIA HUMPING MY LEG LIKE A DOG!"
Severus stared at Dumbledore for a moment, the silence thick and heavy, but the old wizard looked away and his shoulders started to shake.
Before Severus knew what was going on the Headmaster was bursting into laughter and leaning back in his seat, his old head gently rocking from side to side as his aged hand came to rest on his chest.
"I… what… no- don't you dare… this is serious Albus!" Severus hissed.
"My dear boy, you've just had the good misfortune of helping Harry come into his own, but it seems you handled it gracefully if not a little over the top. I assume the boy came out unharmed?"
"I punched him in the head." Severus said looking down and putting his face in his hands, this statement seemed to sober Dumbledore up quickly and he leaned forward, "Is he alright Severus?"
"He will be fine though after tonight I doubt the brat will ever touch the stuff again, and his head will be near unforgiving tomorrow."
Dumbledore nodded as his eyes jumped to the floor, he then gave Severus a pat on the shoulder and stood, "Where are you going!" Severus said following the man's movements towards the fireplace.
"Well, as I said earlier I've just returned and am rather tired, I think I shall have a nice cup of tea and go to bed."
"Albus, please… I cannot do this anymore… what happened tonight… I struck him. I'm not better than the beast who raised me and it isn't safe for him here anymore! We have got to find another way."
Dumbledore turned to him with all serious and said softly, "There isn't another way, I do feel it is safe to say that Harry will have learned his lesson, if not from the enormous hang over then from your bump to his head. Have faith, I have hope that this could be the turning point."
"I don't see how me beating the boy is a turning point…" Severus said with exasperation.
"I do believe what you did is a far cry away from beating him, any fear you have of becoming the monster that was your father has long since passed. You are free of that demon. May I suggest that tomorrow, act as of the event tonight never occurred. Punish him accordingly as you see fit for coming home inebriated but then… do the thing he will surely doubt you'll do."
Severus looked at him with confusion, "And what, pray tell, is that?"
"Care for him."
And just like that Dumbledore was through the fireplace leaving Severus along to collapse back into his chair.
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When Harry opened his eyes light was streaming in through the window and he hissed in pain and covered his head with the blanket.
"Bloody hell." He murmured weakly, "Jimmy, you arse hole." He winced bitterly as his eyes watered from the sudden intrusion of pain and light.
"You will want to drink this." and Harry froze under his covers, his brain registering the owner to which the voice belonged.
He felt his heart speed up, heat wash across his face and the ache in his head intensify. Harry remembered everything. He let out a groan and said from under his blanket, "Professor… I am SO sorry."
There was silence a moment and then he heard Snape speak, "You can fear no punishment from me at the moment as I am sure you are already under a rather serious amount of pain and the humility has surely already turned your face three different shades of red."
"Four." Harry corrected as he braved a peek from out his cover, Snape was sitting on a chair next to the bed holding out a potion vial. Harry reached for it and then ducked back beneath his covers. He drank the potion quickly and was relieved it held no taste.
"I suggest you spend the day relaxing and recovering, then we will work on some of that unedited homework of yours. I will bring you some food and I expect you to eat it. Then you will come down stairs and rest on the couch… we need to have a short discussion on your judgment and your current choice of friends."
Harry handed the vial back and said in agreement, "Yes, sir." before he gave a small sigh of relief, the potion was doing it's job and helping to ease the nausea, stiffness and his blistering headache.
"Very good. I shall return momentarily."
Harry heard the man leave and then brought his hands to his face and groaned. This was going to be a very long day, and Harry couldn't even imagine how the conversation was going to go. He felt relief the man wasn't infuriated with him or slowly cutting him into tiny pieces to add to a potion but the boy knew Snape had knocked him in the head. He remembered seeing the fist coming at his head in slow motion. He even remembered thinking about why he had decided to attack the man with his mouth.
Being drunk was no excuse and yet that's the only obvious reason he could think. Between that dream he had, the pressures from the group to explore his curiosity and coming home drunk to feel Snape's hands on his face and the man defending his virtue, it seemed like what should have happened at the time. But Harry felt the guilt swell as he knew he had not taken Snape's feelings into account, not that Harry ever believed the man felt anything but anger and resentment, the entire thing had been on impulse and he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Sure, Harry was level headed enough to accept his own sexual preference… he'd never had a problem with the idea of homosexuality. And realizing he could go either way seemed to make sense given his attraction to Cho last year and his response to Johnny last night.
But why Snape, why was he suddenly having this weird thing about a man who had never in Harry's entire time knowing him ever cut him a break? Why did it have to be a man who held a rather domineering controlling personality who was never happy or nice and loved to make his life miserable.
Perhaps he wasn't attracted to Snape, maybe he was attracted to the niceties the man had shown him. After losing Sirius it might make some sense to want to reach out for another person to take his place, denial could make you do funny things. Maybe Harry didn't want to be alone and since Snape had been there…
His train of thought stopped when he heard the door open and the man in question enter. Harry finally braved the day and emerged, wincing only slightly at the bright light that greeted him. His professor sat the tray down before him and Harry noticed the smell of soup as soon as he sat up.
Harry waited for the man to put the tray down before him and then nodded his thanks and slowly began to eat, "The potion I gave you should help you keep it down but I recommend an exorbitant amount of water today. Eat the bloody crackers too."
Harry nodded again and noticed Snape wasn't leaving so he looked to the man with a confused face and waited, "I don't expect you to understand what I am about to offer but you will listen anyway, if you have any desire to press charges against that boy-"
"Who? Jimmy?" Harry asked with perplexity as his eyes grew wide.
"I refer to the boy who... Johnny, I believe was his name," Snape said, obviously not wanting to clarify why and assuming Harry would put two and two together, "If you wish to press charges for his misconduct regarding you I will look into it on your behalf."
To say Harry was shocked was an understatement, so shocked he had to take a moment to get his bearings, "Why would I want to-"
"You may think nothing of it, and perhaps it was all just fun and games at the time…. But that street rat is older than you by several years… you were also drunk and your judgment and ability to defend yourself and what you might or might not have wanted at the time was impaired. Before you come down stairs for the day I want you to think about it, make sure you understand what I'm offering and how you feel about it before you say yes or no."
Still in shock all Harry could do was nod and then Snape was gone. Apparently things were just going to get weirder and weirder the longer the day went.
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Severus was reading when Harry came down, blanket, pillow and school bag in tow, he also managed to carry the tray and Severus stood as the boy entered the sitting room. He was walking over to help via taking the tray to the kitchen when Harry inadvertently stepped on the blanket.
His reflexes triggered and Severus moved forward, hands coming to rest over Harry's to help steady him, he kept his voice soft and level when he said, "Foolish boy, it was unwise to try and move so much at once, you could have left the tray upstairs."
Harry didn't look up but murmured a small apology and it was all Severus could do when he noticed the small tremor in the boy's hands, the red on his cheeks and his failure to make eye contact to dismiss it as a sign of embarrassment.
He took the tray to the kitchen and then returned to his chair to find Harry had set up on the couch, blanket across his lap and pillow on the armrest while his bag lay next to his feet.
The silence wasn't awkward but it was thick and heavy with a sort of strained unwillingness, but Severus knew it was better to get this all out of the way then to let it set.
"Very well, are you settled?"
"Yes, sir."
"Then let's begin. I do not feel the need to scold you as I can only hope you've learned your lesson in regards to drinking copious amounts of alcohol in one setting. However, considering you did do the act, you will be punished. We shall wait until tomorrow as any work right now could make you sick and I've no desire to clean up the mess, understood."
"Yes."
"Good. Have you given any thoughts to my offer?"
"I have."
"And?"
Harry seemed to hesitate, whether he was unsure the man would like his answer or because he still wasn't sure what he wanted to do, Severus didn't know, but he leaned back in his chair and waited.
"I don't think it's necessary to press charges. When Johnny… when what happened happened I wasn't as drunk as I was when I came home. I didn't get stupid drunk until after… I just mean… I was coherent enough when he… I willingly put myself in that situation for reasons I'd rather not discuss."
Severus digested Harry's words, thinking it through and taking in the boy's demeanor. As far as he could tell Potter wasn't lying so he had no cause for concern.
"Very well, if that is how you wish to proceed then that is what we shall do. In regards to the rest of that group… I do not think it is wise for you to spend anymore time with them."
Harry couldn't stop his outburst, "But, sir!"
"This is a decision I won't back down on. They are a bad influence as seen by the events of last night, if I catch you with them again I will be forced to respond and I assure you it will be harsh. Understand?"
Severus could see how the boy wanted to fight harder, wanted to cry out injustices about how Snape wasn't his father and didn't control him or the choices or friends he made but Harry miraculously bit his tongue, a major improvement to his usual pig-headed nature.
Snape nodded when Harry simply jerked his head up and down and looked away , "Now, your homework, let's start with…"
"What?" Harry asked in surprise.
"Is there something else you wish to speak with me about?" Severus asked, he had followed Dumbledore's instructions and was going to pretend that the whole event in the boy's room had never happened, but apparently this surprised the boy, he was an idiot if he really wanted to go there with him. But Severus wouldn't stop him, he would simply put the ball in the boy's court.
"I… well... I just wanted to…. Whatever else may have happened last night sir, it won't… it won't happen again."
Severus didn't say anything at first, he was giving thought how best to respond. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to put the boy out of his misery considering how well this had been going so far. But… for some reason….he felt a sudden overpowering need to comment and he did so with a sharp smirk upon his lips, "Whatever else happened last night is between you, me and God. It would be best to keep it that way."
Harry continued to wear his look of surprise for the next several minutes but pulled out his Herbology textbook when told to and handed over his homework.
Snape scanned through it and was once again impressed, his only offer of correction was to explain more on the properties of nightshade root and it's discovery by Bertille Bloodvane in the 18th century. For the next two hours Harry re-wrote his paper, not changing much save for what Snape suggested.
Snape sat in his chair, sipping coffee and watching the boy over the edge of his paper. Snape wasn't one to second guess himself but he was having serious seconds thoughts on banning the boy from his friends. It was the first time since Potter had come here that he had put up any fight at all in regards to the man's rules. Snape had a feeling that this was going to have a negative effect on his plans. Yet, the idea of Harry once again falling under the spell of that young rogue…
Spell of that what? That wording was improper for the situation, he should say, he didn't' want Potter to be put in a compromising situation. The boy had enough problems to worry about without dealing with some older brat seducing him and taking advantage of the boy's gentle nature.
Gentle nature? Now he was making excuses for the boy, Potter could in fact take care of himself, he had proven that via being alive right now considering what he'd been through. Potter was stubborn, self-righteous and rather uncaring about his own life, yet, he was caring to a fault for others, even with his relatives harsh words and actions, even after being nearly killed multiple times, even when those he once thought were friends turned their back on him. He never failed to be a good person…
Why are you thinking such uncharacteristic thoughts of the brat, you know he is nothing but a mirror image of his father, nothing but a lazy, sloppy, rude….gentle, kind, friendly non judgmental-
Severus snapped his paper down and brought a hand to his face before he clenched his teeth and tried to clear his mind.
"Sir, is everything alright?" Severus looked up to see Harry looking over at him, a small trace of, dare Severus even say it, concern etched in his brow and eyes. He felt an anger rise in his chest, a bitter hateful need to snap on the boy and tell him to mind to his own affairs but once again the image of both the Headmaster and the Dark Lord came to mind and he knew instantly he needed to come up with some excuse, "I am fine, though I do have reservations about your ability to respect my boundaries in regards to those street rats…"
Harry looked at him indignantly and spoke softly but with moxy, "They aren't street rats sir, they have homes and families like anyone else… they just don't get on… Stacy's dad is a drunk and Jimmy's parents are constantly fighting… they just want to get out… away from the abuse...just like I did. I'm just lucky sir, I have Dumbledore and the order...I have a school to go to and friends from stable homes… I have you. They have no one but each other."
I have you… echoed through his head like a gentle wave and resonated into his core but Severus resisted and felt his teeth clamp down on his tongue and he swallowed before he said slowly, "Yes, well be that as it may, I know you well enough to know your habits. If you are told not to do something you usually find a way to do it in excess… so I propose a compromise."
Harry had been about to snap back at Snape's comment but hesitated at the offer and Severus said something he instantly knew he would regret, "If you make me a promise to avoid those street- children... and manage to keep it, I see no reason why you could not write to your two comrades in arms at Mr. Weasley's and have them come to see you at some time in the future."
Severus saw the boy's eyes light up, saw a massive smile break across his face and the older man felt a small pinch of something in his chest that vibrated something akin to jealousy, he dismissed it and pressed it down to the back of his mind and refused to acknowledge it.
"Seriously? You'd let them come here?"
Severus locked eyes with the boy to reiterate the seriousness of his words, "It is something I will considered if you promise me not to go looking for that group of miscreants."
"So, I can write them?" he asked with excitement.
"I see no reason why not, and if you keep your promise to me I will see about having them come to visit."
"Thank you, sir." Harry said with another genuine smile, "I promise." and then his nose was back in his paper and working quickly to finish.
Severus pulled his paper back up and for only a split second, he felt rather pleased with himself.
PAGEBREAK.
The two had sat down to eat at one, Severus spelling the food to cook itself and they ate salads and a sandwich with chips. The lunch was quiet but comfortable and Severus thought it might remain that way until Harry cleared his throat and sat down his drink, "Sir… can I- I need to tell you something."
Severus took up his napkin, wiped his mouth and then tossed it aside as he leaned back in his chair and nodded once, "Yesterday at the tracks… that's where Johnny… he asked me to meet him again today, around this time in the same spot."
"And in your infinite wisdom you agreed." Severus finished for him.
Harry gave him an annoyed glance but then continued, "Yes, sir. He said if I didn't show he would come looking for me. At the time I figured I could meet him, but now… considering the promise I made you… I want to ask your permission to speak with him if he comes round."
Severus gave him a very long look, before he cocked his head to the side, "Did we not just have a conversation about-"
"I know, sir. That is why I am asking to make an exception to our deal, just this once. If he comes round I'd like to tell him myself that- I just don't want him to be hurt. He's lonely and confused just like I am… he's ready to- he wants to be able to- he needs a friend, sir. I want to keep my promise to you, but I also want to explain why I can't see him anymore…"
"You just met that wastrel yesterday, I do not think he will be crushed at having lost you so quickly. You're not that interesting Potter."
Harry's face erupted with heat and he looked away with a very aggravated expression before he snapped out, "I don't think it's me he will be upset over losing, it's the ability to have someone else to talk to that is like him, to have the chance to finally explore his….preference without feeling like he has to hide it. If he comes… I just want to… say good-bye… he deserves that much."
"In my opinion that sexual predator deserves nothing…. But if it will keep the young roughen from protesting at my front door I suppose I better allow it. You will remain inside, I will go to my rooms to allow you the privacy but if he even tries to- you will call me, understand?" Harry nodded, "Thank you, sir."
They both went back to eating and this time the silence was tense.
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At one-thirty there was a knock on the front door and Harry locked eyes with Snape and the man stood, a sneer on his face as he went to the door. Harry could only hear a small portion of the conversation but he could tell Snape wasn't very welcoming.
Seconds later Snape passed him quickly and disappeared upstairs and Harry looked to see Johnny standing near the door, his eye intensely looking at him and his fists clenched tight.
"I was worried… when you didn't show. I mean, I understood given what happened last night and how nasty your guardian can be...but I had to make sure you were alright."
Harry stood and turned to walk over to Johnny with a small smirk on his face, "Been better, I've decided alcohol isn't really my thing."
"Damn straight, you can't hold a spoon of it you tosser. If I were you I'd never touch the stuff again." Johnny said as he leaned in and brought his hands to rest on Harry's waist.
"Johnny, I-"
But Harry didn't finish as he felt the boy move quick and take up his lips. The kiss was long and slow and Johnny didn't hesitate to deepen it when Harry opened his mouth. The boy's hands reached around and gripped his backside and Harry felt his lower regions stir though it wasn't near as strong as it had been last night.
When the older boy turned away he was breathing just as heavy as Harry and the look of confusion on his face when the young boy pulled away and walked to stand by the arm chair was near gut wrenching.
"Johnny… I can't, we can't do this. I told you yesterday that I didn't have time for such things, so before this even begins I want you… I need you to put it… put me out of your mind."
The young man looked shocked and took a step towards him, "But, Harry… I… I know we just met, I told you I just want… I need to… I don't want to be alone with this...this… stupid… I can't face this alone. You're the first person I met who hasn't judged me… who shows any interest at all...who understands-"
"I don't know if I do understand… I've just discovered this for myself, you've known for awhile now. Besides, there will be others."
"What others, The End is just what it says, the end of everything. No one who lives here has an open mind, everyone is angry and bigoted in their houses and I see them hurting each other and their children and just wallowing in their own self hate. I don't want to become like that, I don't want to be… if I am alone I know it will happen."
"So leave." Harry said.
"What?" This seemed to catch Johnny off guard so Harry continued quickly, "Leave. Spinner's End isn't the only town in the world, there are cities full of people who don't give two shites who you want to get off with. Go to London, go anywhere, you don't have to stay."
"But- my friends…"
"They would understand, and besides it isn't like you couldn't come back. If you aren't happy here you need to go find your happiness, make it for yourself. Don't wait for others to make it for you because you will just be disappointed."
"You're here." Johnny nearly pouted, "Trust me, I'm no catch… I've got my own issues and I'd just end up getting you killed… I mean… killing your heart… I don't have time or the consistency to be anything for you. And I'm only here for the summer anyway, after that… I'm at school and then who knows, I never know where I will end up… always being handed off to someone else as their problem… no home base so to speak."
Johnny digested this and then swallowed before he crossed the space and took Harry's hands, he pulled him and Harry planted his feet, "Come with me then."
It was Harry's turn to look shocked, "What?"
"Come with me, let's make our own way, our own happiness. No more adults or beatings, no abuse or neglect… let's just run off… we don't even have to be together we could just be friends and go explore the world. We'd be free of all of them… no more hurting or being put down or torture or pain or loss."
Johnny pulled him forward again and this time Harry felt his feet move, Johnny's smile got wider, "Come on Harry." he whispered with excitement, "We could disappear, no more-"
"No more pain?" Harry asked looking up to the boy in question, "No more pain… just us…" Johnny confirmed.
"No more responsibility...or doubt…" Johnny nodded and took up the boys face in his hands, "No more anger." Harry said and he looked into those icy blue eyes and for a moment felt sorely tempted, "No more anything." Johnny agreed.
He was leaning in and as their lips met Harry pulled away, "Harry, what's wrong?"
"You need to leave." the boy bit out.
"Harry, please talk to me… What did I say wrong?"
"Nothing, you said nothing wrong and everything right but I just can't go."
"Harry, Harry don't do this to yourself… I can see it, God damn it, right there in your eyes how desperately you just want to disappear, don't fight it-"
"You don't understand, you can't understand who I am, what I have to do…. Who I have to be."
Johnny looked at him with hard eyes and then slowly reached up under his shirt, he pulled out a long thin piece of wood and Harry's heart stopped.
"You're… You're a wizard?"
"I am."
"I don't understand…."
"Not everyone goes to school at Hogwarts Harry." the boy said gently with a kind smile.
"But… why didn't you tell me, do the other knows, are they-"
"No, Jimmy and the others are just muggles, good people but ordinary, it's just me. I didn't tell you because I wanted to… I didn't want to make you feel like you had to project someone other than who you really were. I wanted to meet the real Harry Potter. And I think you understand now what I really mean. I'm the only wizard in Spinner's End, the only gay wizard in the area, trust me I've looked. So imagine my surprise when not only does someone else who might share my preference show up, but it's Harry Potter, not just any wizard but… the wizard. I played it off, instantly knew I wanted to get to know you, the real you and I didn't want you to think you had to… be the savior that everyone thinks you are. You could just be… Harry."
Harry felt his breath catch in his throat, felt his eyes water as anger swelled, "If you know who I am you know why I can't leave. I have responsibilities, I have work to do, monsters to slay."
"You're just a kid, you don't have to take this on alone, you don't have to take it on at all. Voldemort… let him be someone else's white whale, why does it have to be you?"
"It's always been me!" Harry yelled, "Since before I even knew of magic, sleeping in the cupboard under my relatives staircase, unloved and unwanted it was written in the history books that I would be some great and mighty dark wizard slayer. Like I'm someone special, but I'm not, I don't know what I'm doing half of it, most of the time I almost always have help! I'm already just Harry, but everyone else thinks I'm something more, they believe in me for some foolish reason and I can't do anything about it. Running off would only hurt those closest to me, condemn them to some belief that I'm a coward and that I'm afraid, that there isn't hope, that they can't win, it's selfish. I don't even think I can win and yet I still try because everyone has painted me as their fearless leader, well let me tell you something Johnny, I am afraid! I am so afraid I can't sleep, I have nightmares, half the time I can't even eat… and I'm miserable and I just want to be someone else. I don't want eternal glory or fame, I don't want to be in the spotlight, I don't want others to look up to me. I just want to be…" and Harry stopped then because he had said too much, he had shown his weakness.
"I'm tired Johnny. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep one night without any dreams, without Voldemort's face carving itself into my mind… I'm just so bloody tired." and Harry slid down the bookcase onto the floor, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in his arms, "How am I supposed to save and protect everyone else when I can't even save or protect myself?"
Johnny slowly approached, knelt down before him and put his hands on the boy's shoulders, "You don't have to be anyone's martyr, you can walk away… it's your right to be able to walk away… it's your life."
"It stopped being my life when Voldemort killed my parents, I just wish I had died with them." and Harry shoved Johnny away and bolted for the door. He thought he'd make it but felt a pair of thin arms wrap around him, "Harry, wait, calm down, I'm sorry… please just listen!"
"Get off me, let go!" he yelled as he thrashed about, "Just leave. Me. Alone!" he gave a jerk and twisted and Johnny lost his footing, the two tumbled to the floor with Johnny trying to hold on to the panicking and angry boy while Harry tried to scramble, "I can't breath! I need out! LET ME OUT!" Harry bellowed and he managed to land a kick to Johnny's face but still the boy wouldn't let go and just as Harry thought Johnny was going to successfully pin him down Harry saw movement and the next thing he knew Johnny was pulled off and flung towards the front door.
The bang made Harry stop and he rolled over onto his arse to see Johnny sitting there wide-eyed looking up at Snape like he was some creature sent to kill him. Harry scrambled to his feet and was quick to see Snape simply pick the boy up and toss him out the door.
The resounding silence was solid, blending together in an agreed upon mutual decision, Johnny needed to leave, he couldn't be apart of this even if he was a wizard… it was too dangerous… Johnny was a liability.
Despite this unspoken agreement Harry was shaking his head no and he felt air sucking in passed his lips, in and out in sporadic heaves of anxiety, "How much did you hear?"
Snape didn't respond at first, then he asked softly, "Truth?"
"Yes." Harry said assuredly.
"All of it."
Harry looked away and then let out an aggravated breath of air, "Damn." he strode to the couch and grabbed his bag and pillow, "I'm going to my room."
"Potter, you're having a panic attack." Snape said with annoyance as he stepped toward the boy.
Harry continued to gulp air as he turned to head upstairs, "It happens all the time, I'll manage." he bit as he stomped up the stairs. He slammed the door as he got to his room, tossing his pillow and bag on the bed. He found an empty corner, dropped into it, pulled himself into a small ball and began the long process of calming himself down.
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Severus knocked on the door softly, it was ten minutes later, he held in his hand a vile of calming draught on the off chance the boy wanted some aid. He stepped closer to the door when he heard no reply and to his own chagrin heard the soft sound of panted breaths and a slight wheezing, high throated sob.
"Potter, I'm coming in." Severus said as he tried the handle. The knob gave and Severus could not believe the boy had yet to lock his door since his arrival, did he feel no right to privacy? Or was he so not used to having it he didn't even think about it?
When Severus entered he came to see Potter in the corner on the floor, wrapped up in a tight ball and trying to calm his breathing. Severus's first thought was to drag him to his feet, tell him to get over it and grow up. But given his desire to befriend the boy, his automatic response wasn't good enough, in fact, that response would be more relevant if he was trying to reenact a scene between himself and his father.
He could not approach this situation as he would any other person… he needed to be… gentle. His stomach twisted in disgust and dread. He didn't know how to be gentle, harsh and stiff was his life… unforgiving and cruel and mean… gentle and kind wasn't in anything he was. Not his childhood, nor his teens or even his adulthood.
He could not pull this ability from experience or by watching others, only from his own panic attacks in his youth….unless of course he didn't forget the one person in his life who had been kind to him.
Lily, I need you now, give me strength to do this correctly… I don't know how…
Severus approached slowly and came to rest on his knees in the center of the room, leaving the boy plenty of space and a way out if he was unable to calm down.
"Potter… calm down… can you look at me? Look at me silly boy." he kept his voice even, soft and gentle though the kindness aspect was lacking, he would have to work on that. Slowly the boy looked up from his arms and Severus near started at the red face and sweaty brow that looked back, wide swollen eyes laced with red and fists cal ching sleeves so tight they were snow white.
"Pro-professor… I will be….f-fine… I just need to… calm….down. an hour…..then we can t-talk…" he started to cough and his inability to breath worsened.
"I'm not here to talk you stupid boy, I'm here to help." still his voice remained even and soft, insults aside he kept his face calm and devoid of all emotions, eyes locked on to the boy but not near venomous so much as focused.
"Help? I can handle...handle it… I just have to...breath and… wait…"
Severus couldn't help the smirk that came to his lips, "If all you've ever done to deal with these attacks is breathing and waiting it's no wonder you haven't gotten better."
Harry looked away and then his eyes locked onto the window as rain started to fall and pelt against the glass. His breathing intensified as lighting flashed and thunder struck.
"Don't tell me you are afraid of storms… how much childish nonsense do you abide by in your life, Potter?"
"Not s-storm… you…."
"I know that is a lie, I do not scare you so don't act-"
"No…. You… seeing m-me...like….weakness…" Harry managed and his fist came down on the floor so hard the desk next to him actually jolted, "You see me… as… weak...I'm… not….w-weak." his breathing intensified and he grabbed his head, fingers digging into his hair and scalp, "I-m not… weak...not weak… just can't control...I'm NOT WEAK!" He yelled then through the turbulence of his attack, now he was heaving so hard his face looked more pale than red and the sweat now rolled in large drops from his temples.
Severus couldn't help the indigent look that crossed his face, "I do not believe you are weak, I believe you are… Potter, will you allow me to help you or not?"
Harry didn't even think about it he simply nodded and Severus took a better hold of his vial, "I am going to approach and I want you to allow it, do not allow your brain to panic any more, alright?"
Harry nodded quickly and Severus started to move forward, "Alright, nice and slow, Potter."
Severus made it to the boy and slid down next to him, he pulled the boy onto his lap and took the corner spot, his back feeling the heat left by the boy's presence. Harry started to jerk a little instinctively but Severus would have none of it, he spread his legs so the boy could sit between them and he pulled Harry's back to rest against his chest, "Now, focus on nothing but trying to breath with me, use the rise and fall of my chest as guidance to slow your breathing. In...out…..in…..out."
After about ten minutes Harry's breathing had calmed enough for Severus to hand hi the vial, "Drink." Harry complied and three seconds later he was near limp in the man's lap.
"Stupid…" Severus said to himself as he managed to maneuver the boy so he could get up. He helped Harry to his bed and covered him with the sheet, the boy's comforter having been left downstairs.
"That calming draught will wear off in a few hours. Come down for dinner when you feel better and we will talk about what happened. Until then, rest and allow the potion to do it's job."
Harry's eyes were barely open but he managed a nod and seconds later was out cold. Severus stared a moment longer before he disappeared downstairs.
PAGEBREAK
Four hours had passed since the boy had drank the potion, it was nearing five, the sun sinking low slowly, soon the boy would emerge looking for dinner, and Severus was most urgent to make his way downstairs and prepare it. But Severus, it seemed, was to be stuck in this frustrating conversation for a second hour as Dumbledore continued to ask questions and impart onto him information that for right now was useless to him. His current mission did not let him utilize such things anyway.
"No, today was a very bad day indeed." Severus answered back to another question posed by the Headmaster.
"The brat has made friends with the wrong sort, and that Don Juan of a boy caused Potter to have a momentary break down, though after hearing the conversation I no longer fear Potter will run from this. He has been well wrapped hasn't he?" Severus's words were bitter, his inflection challenging.
"I've no idea what you are trying to implying but I assure you…"
"You can fool a lot of people Albus, but I am not among them. However, your half-truths will suit me for now and we can move on to something more current. I wish to know if I am allowed to extend an invitation to Potter's duo of pig-headed Gryffindor comrades."
"Miss. Granger? Mr. Weasley? At Spinner's End?" Albus asked in confusion.
Snape sighed and instantly clarified, "Obviously, it's for the boy. He needs children who will pose a good influence… at the very least a better influence. Now, can potter owl for them or not?"
Dumbledore thought a moment and then nodded, "Yes. I think it will be good for him to have a short visit. That was very thoughtful of you Severus."
"Do not think anything of it, I simply do not want the boy in my hair every single day. This will be a nice reprieve for the both of us."
"Of course. Now, I do need to speak with you about-"
A shrieked ripped through the house and Severus was up and down to the boy's room in a flash, not a word spoken to Dumbledore in his fast-paced jump to the door. He yanked the door open and saw Potter jerking about in his bed, one hand scratching down the wall as the other tried to cover his head.
The room was vibrating, the glass window shattered and the fireplace erupted in random bursts of flame just as Severus managed to reach the bed. The desk lurched to the side as Harry's head jerked to the side, the oil lamp teetering dangerously. The owl's cage went flying but thankfully the beast was gone at the moment. The air in the room swirled violently and it was near deafening as everything seemed to be cracking, jerking or condensing.
Severus reached down and took the boy's face in his hands, "Potter! Potter, wake up! Wake up you bloody-" he ducked just as the chair rushed over his head and slammed into the door behind him.
"No! Mum! Sirius! Please come back! Don't hurt them please! Stop please you're hurting them!"
Severus redoubled his efforts, "POTTER! WAKE UP! WAKE... HARRY! HARRY WAKE UP!"
As soon as those green eyes met his the boy sat up and pressed himself into Severus's arms. The man was shocked, his own arms were still extended down as if holding someone, but he felt the boy's face nuzzling deeply into his chest, the hair atop his head tickling under his chin, arms squeezing his ribs and fingers digging through the fabric of his robes to his skin.
Black eyes were wide, face completely void of all emotion as he felt like he was being held by a constrictor snake, unsure how to respond to this moment.
"I don't want to do this… please… please tell me I don't have to do this… that I don't have to face him." Harry almost sobbed, but he kept his dignity and managed it out with only anxiety lacing his voice.
Severus's brain seemed to catch up with the situation and slowly, near mechanically his arms folded around the boy, one taking up his head, the other rubbing slow awkward circles on his back. He remembered his mother used to rub his back, and rock back and forth, he could try that right? It might...help?
Slowly he started to rock, continuing the gentle circles and cupping the back of the boy's head, his thumb gently stroking down through the soft brown of Harry's hair over and over.
"That would be a lie." Severus managed softly, so softly he almost swore he felt that gentleness take hold of him. He was getting into deep water now, this was dangerous…
"Lie to me then, let me pretend for just a moment that I have a choice-"
"You don't."
"Please, Professor, please just-"
"Denying the inevitable will not make it go away...you will just be disappointed in the morning Potter." he spoke caringly into the boy's ear as he continued his soft ministrations, something tight in his chest becoming less so and suddenly his entire body managed to relax and holding the brat felt like second nature to him. His ability to be stern and hard adapting to fit another kind of man, a type of man that he was not, yet here he was.
A feeling erupted in his chest and he had a sudden urge, one he didn't even understand until he was already doing it, affectionately nuzzling the side of his face into the boy's hair and speaking softly, "It's better to face it, face it and accept it because you can't change fate… and yours is sealed."
"Please...just say it for me...please." Harry whispered as his nails dug tighter and his face turned in to rest next to the man's own, their cheeks now touching and Severus felt his heart speed up.
Severus scrunched his eyes closed at such stubborn persistence but his annoyance was over ruled and he opened his eyes to lock onto the chair leg sticking out of the wall, "I promise, you will never have to face him, you don't have to suffer anymore and tomorrow everything will be different….I will protect you Potter… and I will make sure you never have to dream of that demon again."
Harry pulled back so he could make eye contact and the two stared at each other a moment, but Severus ended that seconds later when he brought his forehead down to meet Harry's and he whispered softly, "I'll protect you, I swear it."
Then it was Harry's turn to do something to alter the moment and he tilted his head back and brought his lips up to meet the older man's delicately. Severus felt his heart stop and a heat pool in his belly, his hand instinctively tightening in the boy's hair as he opened his mouth and then his brain snapped back to reality and he yanked back, tearing his body away and stumbling back slamming into the door which then jerked shut under his weight.
This time the heated stare between the two was charged with something different and Severus was well aware of what it was. His face contorted into something akin to shock and fear, then to anger and finally rage.
"What in blazes do you think-" but he stopped when Harry stood, undeterred by the man's sudden spike in temper, "Sit back down… NOW, POTTER!"
But Harry slowly progressed towards him and when he was in reach, placed a hand on the man's chest, the top of his head only coming to the man's nose. "Don't-" Severus warned as he took the boy by both of his wrists and tried to hold him at bay.
But Harry's deep green eyes held a heady intoxicated look and Severus knew at this moment the boy could not be reached, before he could say more those thin lips pressed again to his and Severus found himself opening his mouth with a soft moan, the sound traversing from his mouth to Harry's and he released a wrist to slide a hand down to wrap about the boy's waist. Harry was kissing him in earnest seconds later and Severus went to turn his face away but his grip on the boy's wrist faltered and Harry's hand came up to cup his face so quick he found himself momentarily obeying the strong push back towards those soft lips, Severus's now free hand gripping tightly into the boy's hair.
The boy's kiss was so familiar, it was as if they had kissed before and Severus found it was near impossible to resist it despite his pride in having such controls over his body to never have to worry about such things as this. It was a preposterous idea, but somehow, he swore he had kissed Potter before...yesterday not being considered.
And then something occurred to him, something he should have guessed when he had learned of Potter's confusion but hadn't even been willing to consider… he kissed just like Lily, or if he was being honest with himself, his dream version of Lily kissed just like the seductive little brat before him. And suddenly Severus's rage doubled and in one swift motion he gripped onto the boy's arms so harshly Harry let out a yell as their lips broke contact.
Severus thrust him down harshly, near violently and Harry flipped over so quick to look up at the man who stood over him, "It was you… you… you were in my bedroom… you kissed me when I was dreaming of...her."
Harry's eyes grew wide and Severus sneered, "Yes, it was you… and now you will be most assuredly punished you disrespectful…" but once again the man stopped as an image came to his mind.
The image of himself in the shower… cuming to an image of Lily, only just as she was there she was replaced with Harry as the man realized what had happened, the brat biting into his neck as Severus came and the older man felt his stomach give a massive lurch and he quickly turned and ran to his room.
Shutting and locking the door behind him, Severus grabbed up his bin and heaved for the first time in nearly fifteen years.
"Severus! You've returned, is everything alright, is Harry-"
"Go away."
"Severus-"
"GET OUT!" he screamed as he chucked the bin at the fireplace and Dumbledore's face disappeared. He sank into a chair and put his face in his hands. Suddenly, he had a very big problem and all he had done to earn it was try to learn to care.
A/N: R&R let me know what you think as I was really nervous to post this one up… it's moving a little faster than I had originally planned, so this might have to become a re-write in the future as I am speeding through this… so much for slow burn…. Anyway, let me know!