Chapter 33 Tell Me About Jaz
Hildy lay spooning her lover as she gently caressed her hand while Kami held her tightly. They continued to lay quietly for quite some time. Hildy felt the tension in her lady's body and wanted to help her relax as much as possible in the unusual situation.
"Sweetheart we are going to figure this out together OK?" Hildy reassured her partner. Hildy continued to caress Kami and she spoke words of love and comfort to her. Slowly Hildy was able to feel Kami's muscles relax, and for that she was thankful.
Hildy looked at the intrusion of Jaz back into Kami's life the way she would look at a case involving a stalker. Before coming into the room, Hildy called Terry and filled him in on the identity of the client. She asked him to find out everything he could on Doctor Joyce Amy Zachery so that they could plan a strategy to deal with her.
"Darling …. tell me what you are feeling?" Hildy softly asked.
Kami rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling for awhile before responding.
"I feel blindsided. Never in a thousand years did I expect Jaz to come looking for me, especially after all this time. And even more unbelievable is that she did it in such an indirect way", Kami softly said. "I feel that she wanted to mess with your mind so that you would feel badly. I remember when Jaz was upset with a doctor or someone at work she would deliberately plan what she could say to affect them negatively in some way. She was not the type of person who would shout or throw things, she was too controlled for that. She would softly and purposefully cut your down on an intellectual basis".
Hildy listened, and determined that she would not lose her cool, she would beat Jaz at her own game. She needed to amass facts about Jaz, and not just information that Terry would find out but more personal things. The best way to accomplish this was to ask Kami specific questions.
"Sweetheart, how did you meet Jaz?"
Kami's brow furrowed as her eyes took on a faraway look. "Pappy, Nana and I attended a Passion Play at the Loma Linda Church that is located on the Loma Linda University Campus nine years ago. I remember having a wonderful time with my grandparents. An old friend of Nana invited us to visit with her, and the play was on the same weekend we attended. After the program, I walked through the campus taking photographs as the university's grounds are truly beautiful. I was not looking where I was walking, I missed my step and went crashing to the ground". Kami gave a small smile at the memory. "I was more concerned about my Nikon camera than my twisted ankle and bruises", Kami chuckled.
Hildy felt some of her own tension dissipate at the sound of her lover's chuckle.
"Passersby rushed to my assistance. I was helped to my feet and began to immediately limp badly. As you could imagine Nana, Pappy and Nana's friend were worried that I had broken a bone, they wasted no time in taking me to the on campus medical school and hospital. It so happened that about half hour before my fall there was a five-car accident on the highway not too far from the university. Being the closest medical facility to the accident, the victims were brought to Loma Linda. Long story short, I had to wait a bit longer than would be the norm for attention in the emergency room".
Hildy had a feeling she knew what was coming next. Even before Kami got to the point of meeting Jaz for the first time, Hildy felt a ripple begin to roll through her being, a ripple if she was not careful could turn into a fully-fledged wave of jealousy. She willed herself to focus on her lover and what she was saying rather than her own insecurities.
Kami continued her narrative. "While I was sitting on a gurney waiting to be attended to, this woman came up to me and began talking. At first, I thought she was a relative of one of the accident victims. It never crossed my mind that she was a doctor. She was in regular casual street clothes instead of scrubs or the typical white coat, and I don't know …. somehow she just did not look like a doctor".
Kami paused as her mind was filled with images of Jaz. She did not want to say that Jaz looked like a beautiful model or actress and that is why she did not believe Jaz was a doctor. She didn't want Hildy to think that she still considered her former lover to be beautiful.
Clearing her throat, Kami continued. "After I explained that I was in there for a twisted ankle rather than connected to the accident, she told me that the wait will be long before I receive attention because the doctors had to attend to the critical patients and those with more serious injuries than mine. I told her I understood the situation and I would wait. Soon after that she excused herself and came back a few minutes later with a wheelchair to help me. That is when I realized she was a doctor. She explained that she was not an Emergency Room doctor but as they were bursting at the seams, she would lend a hand by tending to my injury… Hildy, she took care of everything, from wheeling me to the X-ray department, to personally putting on the cast on my foot. That act of kindness towards me was how I met Jaz and our friendship started from there".
Hildy listened quietly, the ladies stayed in their embrace on the bed as the moments of silence stretched on. Then the moments turned into an entire minute and then two. Kami's heart rate began to increase as she wondered why Hildy was so quiet.
Turning her face to look at her lady fully, Kami saw the frown lines between her lover's eyes. As Hildy listened to Kami's recap of how she met her first lesbian lover, the images came alive on the movie screen of her mind. It was like she was there in the Emergency Room with Kami. She imagined Jaz in casual clothes looking as beautiful as she looked a few hours ago when she saw her. The woman was gorgeous enough to be a model or Ms Universe. Hildy could just imagine how Jaz would have been instantly attracted to Kami's beauty because there was an inner something about Kami that just shone out of her without she even realizing it. While her outer beauty is what catches the attention of both men and women, it is her inner beauty that holds them and stirs a desire in each person to want to be with Kami for the long term.
Understanding this intellectually did not stop Hildy' s heart from feeling jealous. Her lovely green eyes darkened as she fought to control her building resentment towards Jaz.
Kami reached over and cupped Hildy's cheek as she timidly asked "Hildy? Talk to me please. What are you thinking?"
Without hesitating Hildy replied; "I resent the fact that Jaz was in your life. She was the person who you felt liberated enough to be yourself, she taught you about the beauty of lesbian love. She was, …,, is a very beautiful woman, and I imagine she could have provided you with just about anything, not that you needed it because you were an independent lady but you know what I mean. I wish she had never turned up today. I would like to knock that confident look off her face and send her back where she came from".
Kami turn some more on the bed and looked fully at her lover as she saw the myriad of emotions flitting across Hildy's face. She heard what Hildy said and what she did not say.
"Sweetheart,", Kami began. "As much as I would wish to change the past, I cannot. If it were possible to arrange the threads of my life to have you as my only lover I would but I cannot. Everything that I have experienced in the past has helped to shape who I am. I need you to listen to me Hills".
Kami looked at her with a deep love and compassion in her golden specked brown eyes.
"Dexter was my first and only male lover. Jaz was the woman who initially gave me confidence to be outwardly who I was busting on the inside to be. Yes, she was, and I suppose still is beautiful. Yes, she was financially affluent but her looks and her money could not provide her with the tools needed to make our relationship work. Being with those two persons showed me what love was NOT. Being with them made me long for something deeper, it made me long for the type of soul connection what I prayed Heavenly Father would bless me with. When I met you my love, I knew that God blessed me by giving you to me. With you I KNOW that I am loved, I KNOW that I am cherished, and I KNOW that I am your priority not your afterthought. Hildy, you are my present and my future. You are my only and last lover. I am sorry Jaz's is here, I am sorry that our peace has been disturbed but together we will figuratively knock the confidence off her face and send her home", Kami said with a small smile as tears misted her eyes. She leaned forward and gently kissed her lover.
Hildy felt the tension drain out of her at Kami's words and her loving kiss. After a few minutes she asked:
"Kami, I know when I told you Jaz was the client, you got a shock of epic proportions. But I can't help but wonder if your fainting was caused by just the news … or more?"
The ladies looked at each other for a few moments before Kami responded with a sigh.
"When you told me, Jaz was the client my mind froze for a few moments and then it was like every memory of the time we were together came rushing back all at the same time. My mind went into overload in an instant". Kami paused and Hildy sensed that she wanted to say more.
"What was it Kams? What made you faint?"
Turning her eyes away from her lover Kami softly she sighed.
"It was fear Hildy".
Hildy looked at her and frowned, "What so you mean fear? What were you afraid of?"
"In the moment, I remembered how Jaz made me feel in the latter half of our relationship. I was afraid that Jaz would make you see that I was not good enough. A wave of fear washed over me and the room just began to fade, and I passed out".
Hildy sat up in the bed immediately as she watched Kami continue to avert her eyes from looking at her.
"Kami look at me" Hildy said gently but Kami did not comply.
Hildy reached over and gently pulled her fiancée up into a sitting position but still Kami averted her eyes.
"Kami, please look at me", Hildy said in an even gentler tone.
In an instant Nana's and Pappy's words came back to Hildy's mind.
"I did not like the woman for the simple reason of how she treated Kami. Jaz had a way about her. It was the way she spoke to Kami. It is difficult to explain. I saw my granddaughter lose the twinkle in her eye. She became withdrawn, she stopped smiling and her communication with us and with her parents became less and less frequent. It was as if Jaz wanted Kami's total undivided attention. She came over as very possessive and controlling. As you can imagine that did not do down well with us and we told Kami this. But she was in love and did not see things the way we did".
Hildy thought about those words and tried to imagine her lady love without the twinkle in her eyes. "How was Jaz able to do this to Kami?". Hildy wondered. Then in the next instant the answer came "By making her feel she was not good enough".
"Kami what do you mean Jaz made you feel that you were not good enough?" Hildy asked.
Kami shook her head "I should not have said that. No one can make your feel anything. We all have the power of choice, so Jaz did not make me feel anything. It is just that Jaz was a perfectionist and that transcended every area of her life. After we were a couple for a while she began to let me know the areas where she expected better from me. Hildy, I wanted to please her so badly. All she had to do was hint that she felt I could do better in something and like a loved starved puppy I did my best to rise to her standard. Hildy, when I met Jaz and she showed an interest in me, I could not believe it. She was out of my league, she was so beautiful and so highly respected within her profession. I could not believe she wanted to date me let alone have a relationship with me. I just wanted to be worthy of her attention, her time, her love. So, I guess in retrospect, I was as much to blame for the mess that our relationship turned into after a couple years".
Hildy sat quietly as she listened to her lady describe how she felt in the previous relationship.
In a quiet voice that held so much conviction Hildy said; "Love, you are MORE than good enough. The kindness and gentleness in your heart transcends everything that comprised your being. You treat others with love and respect. You are more than enough. You are full and overflowing".
Kami's eyes misted over as she internalized her lady's words. The ladies laid back down and after a few moments laying still in each other's arms Hildy spoke again.
"Sweetheart, I want to ask you something".
Kami looked at Hildy as she inclined her head indicating to ask the question.
"Do I ever place pressure on you to do what I want you to do? Do you ever feel like you have to prove something with me, to please me?"
Kami looked at her girlfriend in horror and she pulled her hand into her own.
"Oh, God no! No you do not! Hildy you are NOTHING like Jaz. You love me, and you cherish me. You encourage me and comfort me when I need it. Jaz did not love me, she loved having someone at her beck and call to attend to what she considered her needs. I was infatuated with Jaz but I love you. You do not hurt me, you are patient with me, you never ill treat me by word or action. You love me the way Heavenly Father teaches us to love, unselfishly. I thank Him every day for blessing me with you, my love. I Thank God for you. Please never think you are anything like Jaz because she cannot hold a candle to you".
With those words the ladies embraced.
After a few moments Hildy said "It is getting late, how about if we spend the night here and just relax with Pappy and Nana".
Kami smiled, "That sounds like a good idea. We have been so busy since we returned from Ipswich, it would be nice to just chat with them and fill our tummies with some more of Nan's baked goodies".
Hildy nodded, "Tomorrow is a new day. We will think of Jaz then, for now I would like to just watch some TV and share a few jokes with our grandparents".
With those words the ladies got up and went back downstairs as they called out to Nana and Pappy letting them know that they decided to spend the night.