Chapter 32: Of Dog Piles and Misplaced Files.

It took a while to get used to it; to living in such small apartment with so many others. Kakashi's apartment was that of a shinobi, big enough only for him and equipped only with what was necessary. It was spotless, lacking of anything that would give away any information on its owner. Not even the telltale smell of eight dogs living in such close quarters lingered in the air. They were all too good for that, had lived long enough to know better.

Still, even after two weeks there, waking once again to the particular smell of nothing, seemed as unsettling as ever, only the warmth that surrounded me brought a sense of comfort, of safety. The sun hadn't even risen over the horizon; I thought it might be because, at some point, it had been a habit of mine, part of a routine. I wasn't sure anymore. Maybe I could ask Kakashi later.

Something told me it was cold outside the dog pile I was under. The couch felt like it would give at any moment, even if adult shinobi tended to be underweight, four ninja hounds would put a strain on any piece of furniture. And still, I couldn't bring myself to get up, to get out of that nest of warm bodies and comfort. I didn't even dare open my eyes. If I did, I'd have to find something to do. I'd have to make breakfast and wake the pack to go on a run and train; I'd have to face the fact that I wasn't entirely myself, and I'd have to deal with it.

"Your breathing changes when you're awake, Akane-san. We can't stay here all day, as much as we would love to."

I sighed.

I hated how a dog could be more reasonable than me. It happened with Kosuke, it happened with Pakkun. Kosuke? The name sounded so familiar, such a natural thing for me to say. I guess Kakashi's pack wasn't the only ninken acquaintances I had. Bu I knew for a fact that ninja hounds had a way of just knowing, and calling you out on whatever it was you were doing wrong.

"It's hard. They all stare at me as if I had the plague, and not being able to remember stuff gets increasingly frustrating."

They all hopped to the floor and stretched as I sat up straight.

"It will get better, you'll see. You're quite adept at meditation, give yourself time. Until then all you can do is your best."

I knew he was right, but my best was all I'd been doing up until then, and it hadn't exactly been enough. I felt defeated, even when I'd managed to ensure Sasuke and Itachi's safety at least where Konoha was concerned. Perhaps my sense of defeat was because I was unable to keep myself safe as well as others. I had not failed Sasuke, I had not failed Itachi, I had failed myself, and that was no small matter.

Even if I'd decided long ago to give my everything in order to protect my loved ones, my state of mind then, showed I was not a part of that list. And that was the sad reality I was dealing with then. It hadn't been a big deal before; but now with my aim accomplished, there was nothing that could hide the lack of regard I'd had for my own life up until that point, and how little I'd cared.

I put the kettle on the stove and took two cups from the cupboard. Across the room, the shower was turned on. Kakashi was awake. I took the match powder and put two teaspoons in one cup and one in the other; took two bananas from the fridge and filled all eight bowls with dog food.

"You're up early again." His hair was still heavy with the residual water from hi shower. "You should rest for a while longer. It's not like you are going to be called into active duty anytime soon."

He poured the boiling water into the cups as he rubbed his head with a towel.

"Your dogs say otherwise. And as much as I want to agree with you, I think it wouldn't really help my state of mind."

I took the mug he handed me and carried it to the coffee table to set it there before tidying up my sleeping place, folding the blankets and putting the cushions back in place.

"Do you have any plans for today?" I asked as I returned to the kitchen and sat at the table across Kakashi.

He just looked me dead in the eye as if to say 'You know I don't', and sipped at his tea.

If anyone was more frustrated that I was, that would be Kakashi for sure. The fact that I couldn't remember him after the interrogation was clearly not the only thing bugging him. On our way to his apartment after my audience with Tsunade, I had confessed to not recognizing the streets we were walking, the market we had crossed, or the shinobi with a faceplate that had greeted us once we were out of the Hokage's office.

My friend's distress was quite easy to spot, even when he didn't voice it. Kakashi was incredibly transparent in my eyes, even with ¾ of his face covered at all times. The fact that I knew this and that nobody else seemed to be able to do the same, told me that, even if I couldn't remember the first time we ever met, we were extremely close.

"Well, I really want to keep my body fit for duty, even if I won't be working for a while. Would you like to train with me? I don't really remember what my specialization was though so I may stick to basic workouts and stretches…"

I sipped on my own tea as I watched the sky grow clearer, brighter by the minute. I watched as black turned to navy blue, to light blue. The early hours of the morning were always quiet, and that day was not the exception. The ninja hounds were patiently waiting for us to be done and go out for a run, Kakashi was drinking his tea in silence, and the few people that were out and about in the village were not yet awake enough to make the buzz of city life noticeable.

"You were an infiltration operative within ANBU. You're quite adept in hand-to-hand combat. Close quarters are your strong suit. Your stamina is okay, and you are more flexible than you are strong. That might be from your time training with the Inuzuka though."

Inuzuka.

That name rang quite a shrill bell inside my head. I narrowed my eyes in concentration and tried my hardest to remember why it made such enormous ripples inside me. It had to do with… Dogs? No, not dogs, ninken. My mind was swirling around in confusion as I tried to remember what the name and the Ninja hounds meant to me, and why I had a feeling the burn marks on my hands and enveloping my fingers had something to do with it. I tried not to give myself a headache over it, but it felt so familiar, it felt like I should know what it meant, like I should remember something that was such a big part of me.

"You can ask, you know? You don't have to figure out everything on your own, Akane."

I blinked slowly a few times to make myself come back down to earth, and looked at my friend tiredly.

I sighed.

"The name feels too familiar."

His silence was sad, but understanding all the same. He frowned at the counter, set his cup down and sat beside me on the other stool. He wasn't wearing his hitai-ate, but still, his left eye remained closed. At such short distance, the scar that crossed his eyelid still held its rosy tint, irregular texture and created a valley in his skin which suited him, oddly enough. His hair was still damp and darkened by the leftover water; it matched the shade of his eyebrows and lashes.

"Your best friend, along with Itachi-san, is the heiress to the Inuzuka clan. You've spent a lot of time in their compound, at least before you joined ANBU. They took Sasuke in after the massacre as well."

The Massacre.

Something inside me stirred. Images of a girl, a little boy, three puppies, scarlet eyes, and blood flashed before my mind's eye. Someone in my memories screamed my name as a blade went right through my abdomen. And then, a hospital room, the same girl, Sasuke, and a man in a mask with a very familiar mop of silver hair. Flowers on the night stand next to my bed.

Flowers.

Hana.

"Her name is Hana, isn't it?"

Kakashi nodded.

"Why did I stop seeing her as often?"

These memories seemed so distant, like they had been before I became just another name in a list of casualties.

"You became a member of the shadow ranks; you were supposed to be dead. Seeing your friends would defeat the purpose of hiding you. And even if you wanted to, You were ordered not to."

"This is a direct order, Uchiha." Said Kakashi sternly, pinning me to my seat with a look. "Shisui-san will live on in our memories. Do not disgrace what he stood for."

I was being childish, I knew that. This was the best course of action and I knew that as well. It was the 'direct order from the Hokage' that bothered me. He was trying to keep me from telling the truth, trying to lock me up and keep me hidden like he had done with so many before me. I was not angry at Kakashi or Tenzo, not only were they following orders, but they too believed this to be the best for me and Sasuke, and I couldn't resent them for it.

I bowed my head in understanding and said nothing more.

"Uchiha Sasuke will remain with the Inuzuka clan; you on the other hand will be assigned a room here in HQ. Contact with your friends and family will be limited, and will have to be arranged carefully, but it is not impossible." Tenzou's voice had dropped, he was trying to end the briefing with minimal fighting, and the only thing I could see in his face was pity. And I hated it.

"So," I said taking in a deep breath and looking u once again,

"What's my new name?"

"Who gave the order?"

Kakashi's gaze hardened. His anger simmered dangerously behind his gray, burning eye. He turned his head and looked out the window.

"I did."

I was silent for a moment.

"No, you didn't."

He took a deep breath in and turned once again to face me. He looked defeated.

"I gave the order. ANBU is an institution independent from the hat. Only the Hokage guard obeys direct orders from the Hokage, the rest of it runs on its own. I gave the order for you to remain in hiding. I had worked with Itachi when he joined ANBU, and I knew that if he really wanted you dead, he'd come after you again."

I didn't answer. I'd blamed it all on the previous Hokage, I knew that much. It was one of the reasons (I'd been told) why I'd plotted to kill him, among other things. Turns out, this time, I'd been in the wrong. Kakashi had been to blame for it. Not that it mattered then.

"Did you make the decision on your own?"

He shook his head.

"First I talked it out with Hana and Tenzo, the shinobi in the faceplate we met at the market, he was your supervising officer. We informed Akira-san, you jonin teacher after the three of us agreed it was for the best. The Inuzuka volunteered to take care of Sasuke after that, that's why they agreed so readily when you asked later on."

I wanted to be angry at him, I really did. But after everything he had done for me, after everything he had kept secret, I couldn't bring myself to do it. He'd been around for such a long time, he'd cared from a distance and then up close. Even if I couldn't remember it all, in my heart I knew. Kakashi was family. Kakashi was home.

"Thank you." I smiled at him sadly.

"I took away your name, your family, your friends, your identity. Don't thank me for it, Akane."

"You kept me alive. That, you did for my sake."

He sighed.

"It wasn't for your sake, it was for mine. I'm selfish like that."

"I hope that when I become a kunoichi, I'll still have as much kindness as you do now, Kanashi-san."

He kept his gaze forward.

"Oh no, Akane-san. I am only doing this out of selfishness"

I smiled, not that he could see, but even when he made his intentions clear, I could still only feel admiration for him.

"Then I hope one day, I'm just as selfish."

I smiled and finished my tea before going to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

….

Running through training ground 44 was as liberating as it was stressful. Even if one was actively trying to stay alive within the wilderness that was the forest of death, there was something therapeutic about relying on one's instinct and putting all thoughts aside. Even when my mind was a mess of misplaced files and pages strewn around the floor of my mind space, my body remembered. It remembered all too well. It felt good, yet strangely unsettling, as if running for my life was something deeply embedded in me.

Still, as I ran through the clearings, around the giant trees and animal lairs, I felt like myself again. With my hair in a braid, black roots under a field of red, whipping the air behind me. my ever present mismatched Sharingan darting around, keeping an eye on my surroundings and companions. I felt like, with the truth out there, and my mind slowly recovering, I could start living as myself once again, even if I wouldn't be able to live openly as Uchiha Akane.

I came to a stop on top of one of the lower branches of a great tree, and took a deep breath in. The ninken halted on their advance around me but said nothing. The wind blew and ruffled my cloak, the mask on my face shielding me from it. I took it off. I wanted to feel it; I wanted to feel the sun. It had been so long. That morning, when I'd looked in the mirror, I'd seen someone resembling a corpse. Pale, with sunken eyes and cheeks, and curly hair all over the place. I was tired, more underweight than was normal for a shinobi, and had a face that resembled just how mentally exhausted I truly was. But now, with the sun on my face and the wind on my hair, I didn't feel as bad. Like my days working in the shadows had been put on hold. At least for a moment.

"You look better already."

I smiled and kept my eyes closed and my face towards the sun.

"It's gonna take a while for me not to look like a ghost."

Kakashi stayed quiet for a moment before he joined me under the sun.

"We'll get there eventually."