Chapter 35: Big Brother Ozpin

Now, I don't actually have permission for this one, but I felt its to funny not to show. Hopefully Arrancon is cool with me for this.

"So I suppose we're watching another world again?" Salem asked with Mayden giving a mighty 'Yes' to her and everybody else.

"What kind of world is it, dare I ask?" Raven then questioned while still keeping an eye on Ozpin and Salem. Not trusting them one bit, and by extension Mayden. Justified considering who he is.

"A world everybody will love and laugh at." Mayden said with his non-existent smile. "Though I may have taken this story without permission."

"I'm sorry, what?" Ironwood felt that such information was important to know.

"All I can say is that if I get sued, I'm taking you all with me." The Keeper replied.

"Oh great. He makes a mistake and we suffer for it." Qrow rolled his eyes.

"Typical." Hazel muttered.

"Just great." Glynda moaned.

"And nothing you can do about it." Mayden stated to them all. "Now, watch this funny world!" He says with the screen turning on showing the world of 'Big Brother Ozpin'.

Ozpin had been banking on a heavy downpour of rain to occur upon the day of his 'funeral'; such a dreary weather condition would surely bring out more sadness for those coming to mourn him and Qrow. He wanted to make sure he was being mourned to the fullest extent possible, and to see the pain in Ironwood's eyes knowing he would never receive his just payment.

"Huh?" Ozpin went suddenly confused.

"Death? But you're right there." Qrow replied seeing this strange scene before him.

"I'm sorry, but what is this about payment?" Ironwood asked.

"A small explanation then." Mayden decided to tell them all. "Basically put, in this world you guys sans a few aren't entirely bright, Ozpin being the biggest case. And due to circumstances he stole Ironwood's credit card and placed him in debt."

"What!" Ironwood went glaring at his Ozpin who said nothing. Though he was wondering what was up with this version of him. Like, why the funeral? Guess he'll find out.

Unfortunately, the sun decided to shine its brightest today, casting cheerful rays down upon him and Qrow's tombstones. The pair had been dead for about two days, enough time for an obituary to be posted in the local paper, yet the amount of people who had come to wish him off was relatively thin. On the contrary, most of the 10 attendees seemed to be there for his partner in crime.

"Now this is getting interesting." Tyrian chuckled already finding this hilarious.

"More people coming to Qrow...The world must be mad?" Raven insulted her brother who growled.

"They are going to see us," Qrow whispered to Oz, pushing leaves away from his eyes as they sat tucked behind a hedge, "Anyone walks behind this, they're going to see us."

"We need a close view, Mr. Branwen," Ozpin said, "This has to be done right."

"Who cares how they talk about us? We're supposed to be dead!" Branwen quickly lowered his voice when he saw his niece Ruby in the front row turn to look in their direction, having heard his voice. "Shit. I think she saw me."

"That is not a problem. She and Miss Xiao Long are on our side."

"…What? What are you talking about?"

"I couldn't bear to see those two girls in distress over your passing, so I made a quick phone call prior to our death to let them know our situation. They are only here to make this look official."

Qrow pinched his brow, ready to smack the dumbass. "You are literally retarded. They're going to tell everyone we're not dead!"

"I beg to differ. A promise of payment will surely keep them from spilling the beans, as they say."

The bad side was now looking at Ozpin. Questioning this version of his ideas to keep their supposed being alive a secret. Even other Jaune looked surprised by such a faulty plan. Though then again, could he really judge? His plans weren't any better in some cases.

"Money you don't even have! If they don't get paid, they'll rat us out! Did you even think of that?!" No response from the Headmaster, who was too busy focusing on a very pissed off Ironwood in the very back row. Winter Schnee sat with him, dressed in black with a veil over her face. To see her actually in grief over him pulled at Qrow's heart just a bit. Maybe his nieces ratting them out might not be such a bad thing after all.

"Wha?" Qrow went surprised he was actually mourned. By Winter no less. Maybe this world wasn't so bad after all.

A priest stepped forward and took his place at a pew beside the men's graves, a portable projector screen placed directly beside them. He cleared his throat and pulled out a manila envelope with a video cassette in it, passing it to Penny Polendina. "Load this please, my child."

"I will do my best!" the chipper robo-girl saluted, running over to the projector table as the priest prepared to speak to the attendees.

"What's up with the video?" Qrow asked Oz.

"Just something I left behind in my office in case this situation ever occurred."

"Friends, loved ones," the priest declared, "Before we come to speak of the deceased, it was upon the wishes of Ozpin that this video package be shown prior to his body being lowered into the earth so that it could be buried with him. However, since we were unfortunate to not have all of him with us here today, it shall be shown then given to his 'second best friend' James Ironwood, as stated on his will." That last bit pushed James just a little more towards the edge of snapping. "My child, if you will."

Penny pressed the play button, and immediately a picture of a shirtless Ozpin holding a coffee cup (complete with a photo-shopped six pack) appeared on screen. Most of the attendees began to awkwardly shuffle in their seats as similar pictures of hunk Ozpin cycled through as the chorus of "Wanted Dead or Alive" played in the background.

This time it wasn't just the bad, but even the good side looking at Ozpin. Finally, the man of the hour said his words.

"...That isn't me."

"Phahahaha!" Tyrian laughed at this version of Ozpin and his stupidity.

"Now I'm enjoying this." Cinder mocked the Headmaster with glee.

"Is it wrong that I'm finding this funny?" James asked Glynda ho, while failing to contain it, was giggling.

"No." She half whispered, half giggled.

Even Raven was smiling, a rare sight indeed. Also doing her best to memorize this scene as perfect blackmail material. Watts himself also doing the same only with his scroll. He normally didn't care for such silly things, but somehow seeing Ozpin like this felt just right.

Lionheart just liked the fact that he wasn't being made fun of.

"Jesus Christ, Oz…" Branwen groaned, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all, "I expected something like this out of that Mercury kid, not you."

"Do not worry. You are in it as well."

"Please no."

Just as he objected, a collage of pictures featuring a passed out and wasted Qrow popped on screen, with the words 'My Best Friend' just below them. Taiyang could barely keep himself from bursting out in laughter, Yang and Ruby struggling to as well. The montage finally ended on an image of Ozpin with 'Only the Good Die Young' pasted above it.

"Hahahaha!" Raven herself then laughed while Qrow ould only look away.

"Damn it Oz!" He cried out. He then heard a click and saw Ironwood….with a camera and taking pictures. What the hell!?

"Now this is good blackmail." Ironwood said not even trying to hide what he did. Giving a smug grin to Qrow who shook his fist at him.

"Young eh." Salem had a slight pull on her lips. She found this to be somewhat entertaining, but not enough for a smile or laugh. That might just change though later on.

"Well," the priest said, very confusingly, "That… That was certainly unique. I guess now is the time for anyone to say some final words farewell. Who would like to go first?"

"I shall."

A stranger stood up in the back row, raising her hand. She was clearly disguising her voice from behind her black and red masquerade mask; such a high pitch did not match the intimidating feeling her sheathed sword gave off.

"Holy shit, she actually came," Qrow said in disbelief, shocked his usually cold sister would come to say some words about him.

"True that." Qrow replied.

"Never thought she would bother." Ironwood agreed.

"Would she even visit the grave?" Glynda asked. "Also, she actually brought a weapon?"

"Thought the coward would never show herself." Cinder added, though if only to mock Raven who just huffed. Regardless, many people were surprised that Raven was here. Visiting the supposed grave of Ozpin and Qrow.

"W-who knows." The other world Jaune then spoke up. "Maybe she'll have kind words to say to Qrow and Ozpin. Heck. I bet she'll say words that will be heartwarming." Nobody-even Raven-looked convinced.

"Who's that?" Ruby whispered to Yang, who stared blankly at her mother with an unimpressed expression.

"I don't know," her father replied instead, fooled completely by his ex's disguise in a (very inappropriate) white dress, "But she sure is a babe!"

"..." Qrow just looked at Raven, then back at other Raven wearing such a scandalous outfit. Then back at Raven again. "What the hell?"

"I will not wear something like that!" Raven declared with gritted teeth. A small tint of red on her cheeks as she saw her other self in such an outfit. Also upset-and maybe a little happy-that Tai was checking her out.

"Seems Yang herself figured it out. No surprise there." Glynda mentioned not looking impressed at what raven was wearing.

"G-guys. Can we stay quiet?" Jaune then told everyone. "We're about to see Raven giving her blessings." Everyone mumbled but did as they were told. Listening to Raven's final words to her 'dead' brother.

"Shut it, Tai!" Raven snapped viciously. Her bitterness shocked the attendees into silence; not that she minded nobody talking over her eulogy. "When I had heard of the passing of Qrow Branwen, at first I was slightly saddened."

"See!" Jaune said.

"But then, not too long after, I had realized that I had won. If he was truly as strong as he appeared, he would have survived being crushed between metal and brick at high speed. My body would haven't even been scratched. It is evident that I am and always was the superior warrior, and I cannot wait to tell him that when I meet him in the afterlife decades from now. That is all."

With a swoosh of her dress, Raven vanished from the pew as she flew off in the guise of a bird. Nobody was really sure how to take any of what she had said; it was more of an insult than words of endearment.

"...See…" Jaune said before shutting up. Realizing that Raven wasn't really different from his. Selfish and not really caring to her family.

"Well...I guess I expected this." Qrow rolled his eyes.

Ozpin wasn't bothered by that, however.

"Then what are you bothered by?" Ironwood asked.

"Did you notice she didn't say anything about me?"

"Yup," Qrow answered immediately, "She probably didn't even see your grave, let alone care that you were dead. She's pretty cold like that sometimes."

Raven only shrugged when Ozpin looked at her. She really wouldn't care if Ozpin died. If anything, while a bit lacking in empathy, she would be more inclined to see Qrow's grave than someone else's.

"…He's staring at me."

"What?"

"Look," Ozpin lifted a finger and directed it at the precious black and white pupper on Ruby's lap, "Zwei knows the truth. It is in his eyes."

"No shit, he's a dog. He could probably smell the booze in my breath from miles away.

Next up to the pew was Professor Oobleck, who (for possibly the first time in years) looked downright exhausted. His suit was ripped and stained with sweat, the man himself breathing heavily. He had to catch his breath multiple times before even attempting to speak. "I apologize for… my appearance. My car was stolen two days ago, and I was forced to run here on foot… Which is something a pack of stray Beowolfs found particularly interesting, if you couldn't tell by the claw marks."

"I knew that car you stole looked familiar," Qrow hissed at Oz, recalling having used it as a getaway vehicle in their grocery store robbery stunt.

"There must be something wrong with you." Lionheart said before flinching at the other members' gaze.

"Much as I hate to say it, but he's right." Qrow chucked a thumb at Lionheart. "This version of you doesn't seem so...smart."

"...Very true." Ozpin said slightly sourly.

"For someone concerned for driving safety measure, Bart should have known to lock his door."

Oobleck's speech was brief, and it mostly revolved around how Qrow and Ozpin had gotten him a criminal record and also how he had not received a teaching paycheck in six months. Similar eulogies followed; Taiyang basically called Qrow his favorite asshole, Ruby and Yang whipped out some fake tears to make their improvised speech convincing, and Glynda seemed more excited about being able to take Ozpin's position as Headmaster than she should be in this situation. The whole time, Qrow began to realize just how shitty Ozpin (and himself, to an extent) had made people's lives turn out.

"Hey, Qrow."

"Yeah, Oz?"

"I do not approve of how they are mourning me."

"What did you expect? You're not exactly the easiest guy to say nice things about, especially with the crap you've pulled off."

"May I ask, what 'crap' have I done?" Ozpin decided to ask Mayden. Who was all too happy to explain.

"Cutting people's paycheck. Trapping your students in a mansion with their worst enemies. Stealing money, kidnapping, endangerment of human life, fraud, and so on." Mayden states cheerfully.

"..." Ozpin could say nothing.

"Hahahah!" Tyrian was just laughing harder at the foolishness of Ozpin.

Glynda and Ironwood shaking their head at this mess.

Raven looked amused, and so on.

"I feel like I should say something."

"You're supposed to be dead! Do you even think through the things you say before you say them?"

"…A rhetorical statement, my comrade."

"That made literally no sense."

"Quite."

And then the time had finally come for Ironwood to speak. Winter stood up before him, and had to pull on his jacket to make the adamant general budge. "Sir… It won't take long."

"No."

"Just stand up. The sooner you do it, the quicker it will be done with."

Groaning, James trudged behind Winter to the men's graves. He let his soldier go first, as her words were probably going to be much kinder than his. Winter pulled a note out from her dress, sniffing before reading it aloud. "When I first met Qrow Branwen, he was the opposite of everything I ever thought a man should be. He was arrogant, brash, and all around unpleasant. But… I came to grow very fond of him for some reason. Perhaps it is when I think of just why I joined the Atlas military do I realize that we were much more similar than I ever thought. He lived life on his own path, in a way just like how I took my own path away from my family lineage. Or perhaps it was because of something as simple as his looks."

Qrow gazed at Ironwood, unsure if he should feel satisfied or weirded out. Maybe the latter since he got chills.

She let out a small laugh, but that led into her eyes beginning to glisten with tears. "Whichever reason, it doesn't matter now. I've fallen asleep the last two nights knowing I did not ever treat him the way I wished I had. And now I… I won't be able to tell him the things I should have. And that hurts more than anything else…"

It was nearly too much for Winter, her body trembling as she stepped away from the pew for Ironwood to take her place. Ozpin sighed, only because Schnee did not once even acknowledge him in her eulogy; she could at least have mentioned that he was Qrow's best friend. "I really am beginning to dislike this funeral, Mr. Branwen."

"S-shut up."

"…Are you crying?"

"I said shut up, Oz!"

"Ah. Do you need your big sister to comfort you." Raven grinned at Qrow who really wanted to punch her.

"So the old goat has a thing for ice beauty?" Tryian giggled madly. "How comforting and warm."

"Shut it!" Qrow growled only to get laughed at more.

"This is feeling awkward." Ironwood said hoping this will change for the better.

Deciding it was best to let Qrow deal with his emotional turmoil on his own, Ozpin clasped his hands together anxiously as Ironwood prepared to speak. He had already gained twisted satisfaction out of just seeing Ironwood sit in silent fury; to hear it in his voice would be even better. Ozpin could not imagine any better form of payback from having his bones broken than seeing James lose his composure like this.

"I think there is one thing we can agree on here today," James began, hands held behind his back, "And it is that a tragedy has occurred. Two men have lost their lives, and it has affected us all in different ways. Some are heartbroken, others confused… and then there is me. I, a man who has lost so much to one of these deceased men over the past months, and a man will go to his grave with a smile on his face knowing that he outlived such a weasel of a human being."

It was beginning to feel more like a disturbing roast than a funeral to pretty much everyone right now.

"Definitely." Watts says with everyone agreeing. This was no funeral. It was just a bunch of people letting out their complaints to two apparent assholes.

The bad side were loving this.

"But, at the same time I can say that I am troubled by the death of poor, poor Ozpin. Not because of the debts he still owes me, nor the endless hours of stress he inflicted upon my life. No, it is because I never had the opportunity to make him bend over backwards, pucker his coffee stained lips, and kiss my shiny metal ass while begging for me not to rip out his goddamn spine from his body. If he can hear me from beyond the grave, I just want to tell him he is lucky: the fires of Hell do not nearly hurt as much as my fists do." James reached for his holster, removing his colt and loading a single bullet. "And now, a one-gun salute. This bullet was for you, Ozpin. Amen."

Apparently Ironwood's trigger finger was a little too excited, as he accidentally fired his gun into a nearby bush by mistake. There are no words that can accurately describe his fury when he heard an all too familiar shriek come from the bush, with a wounded Ozpin and Qrow tumbling out of the leaves before everyone.

"Ohhhhh boyyyyy." Tyrian clapped his hands. "Someone is in trooouble!"

"Considering how much everybody hates this version of Ozpin...I must agree with the mad man." Glynda moaned.

"This can't be good at all." Jaune knew what it was like to have the General of fucking Atlas mad at him. It wasn't good. And now, this version who hated Ozpin even more than him just found out that version of Ozpin was duping them. This can't end well at all.

"Madam." Hazel then said to Salem. "Shall I record this." He then conveniently held up a camera with a recording function. Salem gave a nod. She was going to enjoy this.

The same could also be applied to Raven, as Qrow noticed her having a camera on her. Violence was about to happen.

"What the hell…?" Taiyang breathed, shock quickly turning to infuriation as was the case with most of the attendees. A baffled Winter wasn't sure what to do; the decision to embrace Qrow or stab him for this act of deception was a hard one. Ruby and Yang tried their best to act surprised, while Zwei seemed to be the only one genuinely happy to see the men.

"Ah, shit…" Qrow chuckled nervously, looking over the angry faces aimed at him and Oz, "Would you believe us if we told you we were ghosts or whatever?"

"Excellent tactic, Mr. Branwen-

"Shut your mouth if you know what's good for us, Oz."

An eruption of laughter came from Ironwood, the general clapping in joy as he strode over to the two (most likely soon to be) dead men. You wouldn't be able to erase the grin of sadistic glee from his face no matter how hard you tried. "This… This is just perfect! Faking your deaths? I'm not even surprised!"

"Now, James," Ozpin winced as he grabbed his wounded arm, "There is a rational explanation-

"I don't care."

"But-

"No," Ironwood looked at Winter as he jerked a thumb at Qrow, "I will let you punish him however you see fit."

"Oh shit." Qrow said in horror. Horror he was right to fear.

"Yes, sir," Winter strode over to Qrow as Glynda and Oobleck joined the general in circling Ozpin for what was to be one of the most well-deserved beatings of the century. Fearing the worst, the drunk began to scramble away on his hands and knees, but Winter's sword pierced right through his cape to catch him. To his surprise, he felt her arms embrace him and not a flurry of fists and slaps.

"So, uh…" Qrow patted Winter on the back, attempting to make peace, "This mean I'm not in trouble?"

"Please let it be! Please let it be!" Qrow prayed.

"Oh, no. Do you know what today is?"

"…Should I?"

Schnee grinned darkly as she whispered in his ear. "Happy International Women's Day."

"…Please, no. Anything but that."

"Oh, yes," Winter slapped Qrow's ass, digging her nails into his pants, "I hope you'll enjoy that birthday gift you got me just as much as I do~!"

"...Oh fuck!" Qrow whispered with a small tear leaving his eye. Feeling bad for his other self. Raven, clearly not as much as she was enjoying this by laughing as hard as she can.

"This...This puts a smile on my face." Ironwood said rather cruelly while enjoying the beatdown Ozpin was having. He would be right as they then saw the next scene. A scene of Ozpin getting the beatdown of his life.

"..." Salem showed no expression on her face. 'Phahahahaha!' Inside though, she was laughing so hard that if she showed it to everyone she would be on the ground clutching her stomach. To see her immortal enemy reduced to this was hilarious.

Cinder and Hazel also enjoying this to the max.

"I'm so glad the kids aren't here to see this." Glynda says with a few agreeing.

As their uncle began quivering in fear of rectal pain and Ozpin felt the sting of Glynda's heels and James' metal fists, Ruby and Yang stood by Penny as their agitated father left to fetch their ride home.

"I do not understand," Penny said, holding Zwei under her arm, "What is this holiday Winter speaks of, and why is Qrow crying?"

"I'll tell you when you're older," Yang sighed.

"But I don't age-

"I know."

"So Yang," Ruby said, rocking back and forth on her heels "Are we still getting paid?"

"I doubt it."

'BARK!'

"You said it, Zwei. You said it…"

The scene ended with everybody aside from Ozpin and Qrow being very satisfied by what they saw.

"Now this wasn't so bad after all." Raven smirks She truly felt joy in watching her brother getting karma and loved Ozpin get crushed by his own allies. The only shame was that her other self wasn't there to enjoy it.

"It would have been better if I was there, but I suppose it's alright." Cinder nodded.

"Aha!" Jaune wasn't sure why, but for some reason he shivered. In another world in an omake of his home universe, a version of him was getting his ass whooped by Yang, Ghira, Glynda, Neo, and other females and males for daring to cheat on Blake supposedly.

"..." Ozpin just stayed silent. Being uncertain and frankly disappointed by this version of him. It made him wonder if there were other worlds where he's like that. How right he would be. On the bright side, at least the kids weren't there to see this. That would have been worse.

"Now that you all watched that little beauty," Mayden then said. "Time to see another world. Featuring a wonderful yet useless world. It is-"

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Until next time.