Chapter 38 Answered Questions

The ladies were left alone, and they stood looking at each other. Then Kami shook her head and asked "Jaz, what are you really doing here?"

Jaz stared at Kami and was momentarily lost for words as she drank in the look of her. Jaz was struck by how Kami was the same but different. She was still a beautiful woman but there was an assuredness about her, a maturity that was not there five years ago. Even the way Kami was dressed was different. Jaz was immediately reminded of Kami's elegant grandmother Kathrine, who was simple but stylishly dressed when she came to her hotel room to meddle a little over an hour ago.

Kami looked at Jaz and remembered the feelings that she mistook as love for this woman all those years ago. Kami was struck by how Jaz was the same but different. She was still a beautiful woman but there was a look in her eyes that was not there five years ago. She still had the bossy, arrogant expression but there was also heaviness in her eyes, a tiredness mixed with a little bit of uncertainty. At least that was the impression Kami got.

The women continued to gaze at each other and then Kami repeated her question. Jaz was pulled from her internal musing and wondered how to answer. As she thought about her grand plan to come to New York and mess with Kami's mind because of her relationship with Hildy, Jaz realized how foolish this plan was from the beginning. Donna's voice rang in her memory warning her that she will be hurt by her plan rather than any positive thing coming out of this encounter. Jaz looked at Kami and admitted to herself that this was literally happening in real time in front of her.

Jaz pulled her gaze from her former lover and gestured to the bench she was sitting on a few moments ago. "Let's have a seat".

Kami nodded her head and joined Jaz on the bench as she turned her body slightly in order to face Jaz.

They sat in silence once more before Kami spoke. "I never expected you to come looking for me, to come back after so many years. Why are you here Jaz? Why didn't you just approach me, why go to Hildy? The only reason I can think of was to upset her, especially with the silly claim you made. What were you thinking Jaz? Why would you think after all this time that I belong to you? What's really going on here Jaz? Why are you here?" Kami asked these questions in a rush one after the other as she looked at Jaz with imploring eyes.

The words "You look more beautiful that I remember", sprang unbidden from Jaz's lips without her realizing she said it. The words were said with such sincerity that Kami blushed. Kami looked at Jaz, really looked at her, and wondered once more what prompted her old lover to make such an unusual re-entry into her life.

For a moment Kami was tempted to take Jaz's hand in hers and rub her knuckles as she asked her once more what was going on. Memories of their life together kept flashing like broken images across her mind's projection screen. She remembered how rubbing Jaz's hand often soothed her aggravated nerves after a frustrating day at the hospital.

What kept Kami from doing that was the fact that Hildy was protectively watching over her from a distance. She knew her fiancée's insecurities came to the forefront after meeting Jaz yesterday, and Kami did not want to do anything to make Hildy feel jealous. So instead of trying to coax Jaz to speak by physical touch she used her words instead.

Jaz felt like kicking herself after she voiced her thoughts about Kami's beauty. She did not want to sound needy or whipped and admitting to Kami that she thought she was still beautiful was the same as waving a flag over her own head that she was not in control of her feelings or the situation.

Jaz sat up straighter if that was possible and was about to speak when Kami spoke first.

"Jaz, do you remember when your body felt tense after a stressful day at work with your surgeries? Do you remember how I would rub your hands and your forearms? When you felt completely relaxed after my massage you were more willing to have conversations with me. Looking at you here I can see the tension in your posture even though you cover it well", Kami said softly. Jaz facial mask of control faltered and slowly slid off her face as the image Kami skillfully placed in her mind stirred the corresponding feelings of relaxation.

Clearing her throat, she said in an unsteady voice "I remember".

"I am not going to rub your hands because it would be inappropriate in this situation, but I want you to remember the relaxed feeling and talk to me …. please Jaz".

With those words softly spoken all the pent-up feelings in Jaz were released like the plug being removed from an emotional keg.

Jaz inclined her head and then took a deep cleansing breath.

"I am not sure where to begin", Jaz started with as she looked at Kami.

Kami remembered how Jaz use to find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable in front of her or anyone for that matter. Getting her to express her deep feelings were a challenge, Kami hoped that she had improved in that area.

"Maybe you can begin with what prompted you to come looking for me now? Why not a year ago or two years ago? Why now?"

Jaz, realizing she had nothing to lose because in her opinion she had already made a fool of herself. Deciding to be completely honest with Kami she continued to speak.

"I recently saw a photograph of you in the newspapers. The article sang your praises over the work you were doing combining computer technology and the classroom".

Kami listened and raised an eyebrow as she got a confused look on her face. "Let me get this clear … you read an article about me in the papers and that made you fly to New York looking for me? That made you seek out Hildy?"

Jaz was finding it a bit more difficult than she anticipated to explain herself. Listening to her own voice trying to convey her reasoning to her old girlfriend magnified how foolish her plan was. Lifting her chin, she plodded forward.

"There was a second photograph with the article, one with you and Hildy. The reporter said you were going to be married soon, and when I saw the way you looked at Hildy with so much pure unadulterated love in that photograph, I …. I just ….. I could not understand how you could love her. You loved me once Kami and I cannot recall ever seeing you look at me like that", Jaz said with an inflection in her voice that Kami had never heard before.

Looking at her, Kami's mouth fell open a little. Could it be simply jealousy that prompted Jaz's convoluted attempt to reenter her life? Somehow Kami felt it was more than that.

"So basically, you are telling me that after five years of showing no interest in me, after five years, almost six actually, you decide that you are jealous of whoever I am involved with? Is this what you are saying Jaz?" Kami asked in a disbelieving voice.

"I do not get jealous", Jaz said as she narrowed her eyes, and then continued speaking.

"However, I tried to understand how you could be so enamored with a woman you have known for less than a year? I was thinking of your welfare Kami. I could not understand what her appeal was".

Kami looked at her in amazement as a moment of silence stretched to two and three.

Seeing the disbelief on her former girlfriend's face, Jaz continued to elucidate.

"I am trying to protect you Kami, marriage is an enormous step, not one to get into lightly. We were together for years and we never discussed marriage or even a civil union, and here you are with this detective about to get married. I gave you everything Kami, there was nothing you lacked for when we were together, and what did you do you left me …. you left me Kami. No one leaves me Kami".

Kami felt anger raise in her as she heard the careless, disrespectful way Jaz referred to Hildy. She also felt understanding begin to clear away the confusion as to the real reason why Jaz came looking for her and staking a so-called claim on her life. Using self-control, Kami tempered the response that wanted to burst from her lips. Thinking before speaking she began to address her former lover.

Hildy stood under a tree for a few minutes then she slowly made her way over the Bow Bridge always keeping an eye on her fiancée and her old girlfriend. She knew Kami wanted to speak to Jaz alone to get to the bottom of why she was really here. But every instinct was telling her to just walk over to them and sit down on the bench regardless of if Jaz or Kami was upset. Breathing deeply to control her vexation, she knew she would not do that because she respected Kami too much to go against anything she wanted to do. But that did not mean she had to like it.

After reaching the end of the bridge, she turned and began retracing her steps. Reaching the middle of the bridge, she paused and leaned over the side. She noticed that Jaz finally began to do some talking. Seeing the couple but not being able to hear only made Hildy wonder what Kami was saying, because the conversation was one sided up to now. The couple … the couple, the words went around and around in her mind. They used to be a couple. They still looked like a couple sharing a bench near to a famous romantic bridge. Hildy felt the green-eyed monster begin to laugh at her. Using positive self talk, she reminded herself that there was no need to be jealous because Kami loved her not Jaz. Calming herself down once more she continued to look at the former couple off in the distance.

"Jaz, listen to me carefully", Kami began in a firm yet quiet voice. "Don't you ever refer to Hildy in that way again. The detective as you carelessly called her is the woman I love, she is the woman I choose to marry". Kami saw Jaz visibly flinch at her words, but she continued none the less because it was important to put a stop to this fallacy.

"You say that you do not get jealous Jaz, and I believe you. I think you cared about me as much as you could at that point in your life. But, Jaz, when I walked away from our relationship, it was more your pride that was hurt than your heart. You say you have my welfare at heart? That is crap and you know it Jaz. The photograph that you saw stirred an old dormant possiveness in you towards me. The thing is Jaz, if you wanted me back so badly, when I walked away you should have come looking for me, but you did not. You did not because of pride not because of love. The fact that I left you is something I suspect has irritated you for a long time. You said it yourself 'no one leaves me'. Well you know what? I did, I left you". Kami paused and then something Jaz said struck her mind. "How do you know I have only known Hildy for less than a year Jaz? Did you have us investigated?"

At that question, Jaz brushed some imaginary lint off her outfit.

Shaking her head Kami continued in a gentler tone. "Is your life so empty Jaz, that you would come here grasping at straws?"

Jaz turned her eyes on her former lover and rage flashed in them.

"My life is not empty", she said in a tone of voice that always made her subordinates extremely nervous. Kami however, was not intimidated in the least by her voice. Instead she realized she touched a nerve by her question.

Leaning her head to the side Kami said with more concern in her voice, "It is highly unlikely that you are in a relationship because you are here. Have you been alone since I left?"

Jaz looked at her with an arrogant expression on her face and in a voice of disdain replied, "Of course I have not been alone. I will have you know I have had several relationships since you walked away from me".

Kami looked at her with eyes that seemed to reach into her soul. "And yet with all those relationships not one lasted. Because here you are grasping at something that does not exist any longer". The two women looked at each other hard and long before Kami continued to speak.

"Jaz, would you like to know why I left? Why I am able to look at Hildy with such love and devotion?"

Here were the answers to the questions that fueled her rage several days ago, the answers that propelled her to take unscheduled leave from her hospitals to play her mind games on Hildy and by extension Kami. In a controlled voice Jaz answered yes.

Leaning back on the bench in a more comfortable position Kami said in a gentle voice; "I left because I lost who I was in you".

Frowning, Jaz shook her head, "I do not follow you".

Kami looked up to the sky as if trying to find the right words before continuing to speak.

"When we met, and you showered me with attention, I could not believe it. You were beautiful, you were successful, you were an out and proud lesbian and I was none of those things. Yes, I had success in the computer world but as a surgeon, you saved lives Jaz. Yes, some people thought I was good looking, but I did not see what they saw in me. As for being out and proud, I was in and cowardly".

Despite herself Jaz smiled a little at Kami's description of herself.

"I wanted to please you so much Jaz, I wanted you to be so proud of me that I was willing to mold myself into a shadow image of you. But in doing that I began to lose who I really was inside. All you had to do was hint that you were displeased about the way I looked, or kept our house, or anything for that matter and I would hop to make the necessary changes to please you. That was unhealthy Jaz. As the months turned into years, I became more and more unhappy and dissatisfied with myself. Then one day it finally dawned on me that if I wanted to be truly happy, I had to be my own person. And being in a relationship with you and your strong dominant personality would never allow me the opportunity to be my own individual. So, I left".

"So, you are saying it is my fault that you left?" Jaz asked in disbelief.

"I am saying that I left because I wanted to be my own individual and I could not in a relationship with you. I take full responsibility for the choices I made in our relationship. I do not blame you for what I chose to do Jaz. I needed to grow and to do that I had to leave"

Jaz continued to look at Kami with narrow eyes. "I suppose you 'grew' when you were apart from me".

Kami gave her a sad smile. "Yes. It took awhile. It took a lot of honest reflection and prayer. My relationship with our Heavenly Father began to deepen and with it my sense of self. I found emotional and spiritual peace in the years after we went our separate ways. So now I am a better person, I no longer need a relationship or a person to shape who I am".

Jaz continued to look at Kami as she tried to understand what she was explaining.

"And this ….". Jaz stopped herself from saying detective and rephrased her words. "And Hildy? You do not try to please her? I find that hard to believe".

Kami smiled a smile that warmed her very being, a smile that made Jaz hold her breath.

"With Hildy, I am me. I can be silly if I feel to be. I do not feel the need to be perfect all the time in everything. She lifts me up with her words. She encourages me go for any and everything I want to pursue. After God, she loves me more than anyone or anything. I am her number one priority, and that is a wonderful feeling. Yes, I try to please her every day but not because she expects it or because I feel obligated too but rather because I just want to contribute to her happiness".

They looked at each other some more before Kami said; "Hildy loves me from the depths of her soul. Can you honestly say you loved me like that Jaz?"

Jaz had the grace to avert her eyes. "I did not think so Jaz", Kami said softly.

Jaz looked at her and genuinely asked without a hint of ulterior motive, "Kams, seriously you have known her for less than a year. Are you sure this is the right thing to do? Getting married I mean".

In the spirit of the honesty the question was asked in, Kami replied. "Yes, I am sure".

Jaz took a deep cleansing breath and gently nodded her head.

"Alright".

Kami looked at her and smiled.

"Are we good Jaz? Has this been put to rest?"

"Yes, it has". Jaz looked at her designer shoes for a moment before continuing. "I am sorry for the trouble I caused you Kams."

She gave a mirthless chuckle before saying almost to herself; "Donna warned me that this plan of mine was not going to turn out the way I expected it. She was right about a lot of things".

"Donna? Who is Donna?" Kami asked.

"Donna is my friend, and a very wise lady".

Kami noticed the immediate difference in the inflection in Jaz's voice when she said the name Donna.

Seeing an opportunity to tease she said "Hmm, this Donna sounds like she is not afraid to tell you what she thinks. Is she single?"

Jaz turned and looked at her old friend with a raised eyebrow. "As a matter of fact, she is, not that is any of your business".

"Ha! Woman, from the time you walked into Hildy's personal space yesterday and tried to mess with her head, your life and things surrounding you became both our business, Hildy's and mine". Kami kept her tone teasing to take the sting out of her words.

"So, Donna knew you were coming, and she knew what your plan was. From your words I take it she did not agree", Kami said.

Sensing that Kami was not about to give up, Jaz concede and responded.

"No, she warned me that I would only hurt myself by this plan of mine".

"Was she right?" Kami asked.

Considering the question Jaz replied, "Honestly? My pride more than my heart". Jaz stayed silent for a moment before continuing. "I never got over the fact that you left me Kami. I realize now it was a control thing on my part. Control and possession, hmmph. The story of my life. What has it gotten me?"

Kami looked at her old girlfriend and felt sad for her. "Jaz, do you like this Donna woman? I mean if she is available, can you see yourself wanting something more than friendship with her?" Jaz looked off in the distance and scenes with Donna over the last few years flashed through her mind.

Not trusting her voice, she silently nodded.

"Well what are you going to do about it?"

" Kami … I … Donna is …. she is my friend, and I truly care deeply about her. I do not want to risk our friendship over an attempt to get closer. Her friendship means too much to me".

Kami was quiet as she thought about what Jaz just said.

"Jazzy, what is the alternative? You said you have had a lot of relationships over the years and the fact that none of them lasted tells me something was missing. I understand you not wanting to mess up what you have with Donna but if you do not test the water to get an inkling of how she might respond, would you be able to live with yourself? Spend some time in reflection. Think about your personality traits that could do with some improvement and purpose in your heart by the Grace of God to be a better person. Then throw a line out at Donna and see if she nibbles. If she doesn't then you have not lost her friendship. But if she shows the slightest interest in something more then go for it. But please not in a roundabout way. Be honest and direct".

Jaz looked at her for a few moments before saying; "Jazzy? I have not heard that name in years". Kami blushed because she did not realize she called her old friend by the term of endearment she used during their intimate times in the past.

"Sorry", she stammered, "I did not mean to call you that", to which Jaz laughed and the somber mood that began to hang over their conversation lightened.

Hildy was watching the body language of the old friends for long enough. She sensed the moods of conversation from the way Kami sat leaning forward and then back on the bench.

"This is ridicules, Kami I am sorry if you get upset but I cannot just keep standing here on this bridge". With those mumbled words Hildy walked purposefully off the Bow Bridge and towards the sitting ladies.

Hildy did not hear what Kami said but she saw Jaz laugh and say "No, it is alright," as she reached the bench.

Kami turned and smiled as she heard Hildy call her name. Jaz stood up as Hildy got abreast of the bench. Not one to put off doing what she deemed needed to be done, she extended her hand to Hildy. The gesture surprised Hildy but she reached over and shook Jaz's hand.

"Hildy Mulligan, I owe you an apology. I never should have approached you yesterday under the guise of being a potential client. I came here for the sole purpose of playing some mind games because I was still upset with Kami for walking out on me years ago". Turning to Kami, Jaz continued to speak. "Kami, once again I am sorry for causing trouble. Forgive me?"

Kami wrapped her arm around Hildy's waist as she stood up and said "Yes".

"Ladies, if you will excuse me, have a good afternoon". Jaz abruptly turned and walked away.

Kami called out to her before she got too far.

"Please let me know how Donna, responds when you test the water".

Jaz gave a reluctant nod of her head "I will take your advice about the reflection and adjustments. Thank you", then she continued walking away from the couple.

Donna, handed her credit card to the clerk at the front desk of the Hilton Hotel where her friend Joyce was checked in. Years ago, she would never have done something so impulsive. But after an aneurism almost exploded in her chest a few years ago she re-prioritized her life. And now every day she was blessed with life was a day to give Thanks and Praise.

She suspected Joyce would have met Kami by now, and Donna honestly did not expect Kami to jump back into a relationship with Joyce. Donna was tired of waiting for Joyce to pull her head out of sand. It was time she let Joyce see that all she needed in a relationship was staring her in the face, but she was too self absorbed to see it.

As far as Donna was concerned, she had nothing to lose.