Hold Me Down

(Thursday Night, June 20th)

Ben shuts his eyes as he lays on the bed, the sweet, smoky scent hovering over him. His teeth tense, and when his mouth opens at the pain, he breathes it in. His eyes open and his breathing increases, before he flips Mal onto her back and rolls over.

"Uh. Ben?"

He sucks on her neck, and he can feel the jugular beat below the skin.

"Ben," Mal stresses. "I— I don't think I like this."

His mouth opens wide, but when he goes to satisfy his teeth's need to bite, he feels the force on his chest. He's pushed away from it, and when he sits up on the other end of the bed he notices her face. She's horrified, and yet his eyes move down to her bare neck. He shakes his head, before he grabs a blanket and wraps it around her naked torso. She continues to look at him in horror, her eyes widened and her face turned with caution. "Mal?" She still doesn't speak, and he hesitates, "Are you okay?"

"You cannot hold me down like that," she loudly says. "You can't do that."

"I wasn't trying to," Ben slowly excuses, before his eyes shift. A moment passes before he looks back up at her, and he sees the tears in her eyes, "Mal?" She looks away, and Ben wets his lips, "It's him, isn't it? I made you think of him."

She faces him and whispers, "I can't be held down." before her eyes lower. "I need a way… a way out."

"Okay," Ben reassures. "I… I understand." She looks at him but doesn't speak. "I'm sorry. I promise I wasn't trying to…" He makes a noise, "I don't know what got into me."

"You're a guy," Mal points out. "That's what's wrong with you." He stays silent, merely watching as she gets off the bed, puts her clothes back on, and heads for the door.

"Mal," Ben urgently calls, as he recalls the foosball table, and she halts with her hand on the door. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Mal manages, before she leaves and shuts the door.

"So, I got fruit, vegetables, and general baking stuff for you, chocolate snacks for Carlos, microwave meals for Jay, and milk and juice for everyone." He places the last items in the fridge, closes it, and then turns to Evie, "If there's anything else you need, let me know."

"Thank you," she quietly comments.

Ben notices her frown and leans on the counter, "So, how have you been doing?"

She shakes her head, "What do you mean?"

"The eating thing," Ben unsurely clarifies. "How have you been, uh, feeling lately?"

"Fine, I guess."

"You guess?"

She takes a moment, "A little bit bad today, not in a good way." before she faces him. "Could I maybe get a blender?"

"Yeah. Of course," Ben immediately responds, and then she nods. "Look. Uh-em." He scratches the back of his head, "I know it's hard, but I'm glad you're trying. It'll be good."

"Right," Evie's eyes shift down, before she deflects, "How are you doing?"

He thinks, "With what?"

"Well, you weren't eating before," she reminds him, "and Mal tells me you have this thing where you'll try to eat to make up for not eating?"

"She told you?" She gives him a look, and his frown deepens, "It hasn't changed." He meets her dark eyes, "Food just isn't very… important to me, I guess, so I forget. And then, I… I, um…"

"Try to catch up?" she helps.

Ben stays quiet for a minute, "Look. I'm… I'm fine. I've always done it. It'll be okay."

Evie's eyebrows raise, "If you say so."

"What's that mean?"

She faces him, "I just don't think it's fair that I need to try and you don't."

Ben leans in, "I don't have a problem."

Evie crosses her arms, "Maybe I don't either."

"Your anorexia almost killed you," he growls, before he places a hand to his neck and clears his throat. "Sorry. Probably had too much milk." He notices her eye him in suspicion, "My point is, you almost died. Me. Well, I don't have any problems like that."

"The way you eat isn't a problem?" Evie doubts, and he looks off. "You don't even believe it."

He shakes his head, and his voice raises in pitch, "I'm not me, okay? The way I eat, when and how I do it, it's not me." He feels the tears intrude his eyes, "It usually happens on accident, and when I try to get… control over it— when I plan the binges— there's still just this thing inside me that takes over and wipes my mind clean. I watch. I see, but I can't stop it."

Evie lets out a breath, "You need to ignore that voice. It's going to tell you to do a bunch a stupid stuff, but you can't. If you do, it'll drag you to a dark place."

It takes a minute for Ben to half laugh, "I have no voice. It's just a feeling. It's…" He places a hand to his head, "What is that word?" He drops his arm to his side and wets his lips, "Intent. It's a feeling of intent, a strong one. And it just takes over." The tears fall to his cheeks, "I don't know how to stop it."

"It must still feel different than you," she assumes. "Know that, think it through, so you can stop it ahead of time."

He tries to steady his breathing, "I've been doing this longer than I can remember." before he shakes his head and his voice crackles. "It's a part of me." He whispers, "I can't fight it. Because, even when I do stop it, it's already won."

When he continues to cry Evie moves in to hug him, "Hey. It's going to be okay."