(A/N: So, I hope that the comedy in this chapter lives up to the hype that you all built up in your head for London Kuriboh. Special thanks to 4eyes0soul for providing at least 90% of London Kuriboh's dialogue. Let the battle between comedian and teacher commence!)
"Since I'm so generous, you can go first," Williams told Yukizome.
Yukizome nodded and drew the top card of her deck. "Two cards face-down," she said, playing her spells and/or trap cards first. "And then, I summon Shining Angel in attack mode!" A blond man in a toga with four big wings appeared on Yukizome's side of the field with 1,400 attack points and 800 defense points.
Yukizome looked at the last three cards in her hand. She nodded to herself. "My turn's over."
"Very well," Williams said. "I'll draw, I suppose." He looked at the six cards in his hand. "I'll set one card face-down," he said and then looked at the five cards in his hand, pondering his next move, head bobbing.
After about a minute of silence, Yukizome said, "Um…your move?"
"Don't rush me! Perfection takes time! The new episode will be out soon, stop asking!" London Kuriboh shouted as if Yukizome touched a nerve.
"Sheesh! Okay," Yukizome said, recoiling in surprise and deciding not to touch on the YouTuber's Freudian slip.
"Right, this will do," Williams said, plucking a card from his hand…only to put it on the far left side of his hand. "There we go. Nice and organized. I end my turn."
Yukizome looked at Williams with a very odd look. "You…what?"
"I didn't realize you were hard of hearing. I said it's your turn. Or maybe I should take a page out of John Cleese's book?" Williams cleared his throat and then put his hands by his lips and spoke as loudly as he could. "My turn is done! It is over! It has ceased to be my turn! I'm done! My turn is finished! I've made my turn so now it's yours! If I was going to do anything more, I'd have done it! I've made all the moves I wanted to! That's all! I'm good! I have completed all the actions I deemed necessary! IT IS YOUR TURN!"
Yukizome suppressed her annoyance. This is going to feel like a longer duel than it actually is. She drew the top card of her deck. "I activate my face-down Mystic Space Typhoon, riding the field of your only defense!"
The cyclone blew away Williams' face-down quick-play spell: Scapegoat. He didn't seem bothered.
"Oh well. They were annoying anyway. So that's not so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd!"
Yukizome winced at the painful pun. "Make your jokes while you can because I'm cutting your comedy hour short," she declared. "I sacrifice Shining Angel in order to play Tethys, Goddess of Light!"
Shining Angel disappeared into a cloud of feathers, replaced by a woman garbed all in white down past her feet with wings detached from her body, seemingly magically attuned to her via two glowing blue orbs. She had 2,400 attack points and 1,800 defense points.
"And now, I attack your life points directly!" Yukizome exclaimed, pointing her finger across the battlefield.
Tethys gathered light energy between her hands and then blasted them at Williams, only for a wall of Kuribohs to suddenly sprout up out of nowhere and block the attack entirely.
"Wha…Kuribohs?"
"Yes," Williams nodded. "Your attack was blocked by my giant hairy balls."
Yukizome took a deep breath and, in the interest of being polite just said, "So it would seem."
Williams took note of this. "What? I'm not allowed to say giant hairy balls in front of a live studio audience? I know Brits are stereotyped as posh and proper, but the truth is we're like everyone else. Except much more British."
"Just take your turn," Yukizome said, feeling a bit agitated.
"Ah, right then," Williams said and drew the top card of his deck. "First, I'll summon Rainbow Kuriboh in attack mode!"
A purple kuriboh with a rainbow fin on its head appeared on Williams' side of the field. "Next, I shall activate Kuri-boomerang!" The artwork depicted a blue-boomerang shaped weapon with Kuriboh fuzz and eyes on it. "By returning my monster to my hand," Williams said, "I can return your monster to your hand."
The boomerang picked up a whirlwind and smacked Tethys in the chest, bouncing the card back to Yukizome's hand.
"Next…I end my turn," Williams said, with five cards still remaining in his hand.
I see, so that's his strategy. Kuriboh is a monster that doesn't have to be summoned to the field to activate its effects. Clever, Yukizome thought as she drew the top card of her deck, But not quite clever enough. "I activate this spell card: Card Advance! Now I can look at up to five cards from the top of my deck and place them back in any order I choose." Yukizome looked at all five cards and then rearranged them accordingly. "And, in addition, I can tribute summon a monster in addition to my normal summon or set this turn. So first, I set a monster, and then I tribute that monster in order to bring Tethys back to the field in attack mode."
Tethys re-emerged in a showering of glistening white feathers.
"Let's try this again," Yukizome said, pointing across the battlefield. "Tethys, attack his life points directly!"
Another swarm of Kuriboh monsters emerged from Williams' position, but these monsters were smooth and shiny and seemed to cover Tethys with their bodies.
"So sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to smother your monster with my giant hairless balls through the power of Sphere Kuriboh. By discarding this monster from my hand, I can switch a monster on your side of the field that's attacking into defense position."
Tethys was now kneeling down in prayer with only 1,800 defense points to protect herself.
Yukizome grit her teeth. Twice now, her attack had been thwarted and she was worried that Tethys would now fall prey to whatever strategy Williams was planning.
With only one card in hand, she only had one course of action. "I end my turn."
Williams nodded and drew the top card of his deck. "Right then, I play Kuri-Bigfoot!"
A sasquatch-like Kuriboh emerged on the field as it emitted a deep, baritone. "Kuri!" It had 1,600 attack points and 1,400 defense points.
"And thanks to Kuri-bigfoot's special ability, it gains the attack and defense points of all Kuriboh monsters in my graveyard with 3 or fewer level stars."
Kuri-Bigfoot stomped its foot and grew bigger and hairier as its power surged from 1,600 to 2,200. Its defense points also grew, but only to 1,600.
"And next, I activate this magic card: Kuribreakfast!" A card artwork depicting a breakfast cereal with a Kuriboh sitting down to eat said cereal with a happy face was flipped face-up. "Part of your complete breakfast with bacon and eggs."
"That's nice, what does it do?" Yukizome wanted to know.
"It's basically a Kuriboh-specific Fairy Meteor Crush," Williams said. "Except all piercing damage dealt by the equipped monster causes double damage."
Yukizome recoiled. "What?"
"And you know what they say about Monsters with big feet! They've got big attack points! Go Kuri-Bigfoot, stomp her flat as a flapjack! Mmmmm, flapjacks."
Yukizome could only blink in sheer confusion before Kuri-Bigfoot very abruptly flattened her monster with its giant foot. The resulting shockwave made Yukizome jump like she'd born witness to a cheap jump scare and she put one foot behind her and took a full step back, sighing as she lost 800 life points. She had 3,200 remaining. First blood belonged to Williams.
"Not bad for a chubby British comedian, right?" Williams asked.
"I admit, that's pretty impressive, but you're going to need more than that to take me down," Yukizome said.
"Well, I won't disappoint you," Williams said and then adapted his voice to give the best Joey Wheeler impression, strengthening his chin muscles as he made a fist and held it up in front of him. "Nyeh! Youse ain't seen nothin' yet!"
"Is…is that supposed to be Joey?" Tristan blinked. "Can…can we sue?"
"I'm…pretty sure we can't," Téa said, equally as dumbfounded.
"I think it's kind of funny," Serenity said, giggling.
Tristan gently pat her on the head sympathetically. If she wanted to think that, that was her business.
In response to Williams' jab though, Yukizome simply smirked and said. "Heh, I'm almost certain you won't be showing me anything I can't handle." She declared as she swung her arm down at her side from her shoulder, defiantly.
"You can't complain about me making jokes when you keep setting up double entendres like that," Williams told her.
Yukizome twitched. "I'm drawing my card now." With vigor and speed, Yukizome pulled the top card of her deck to her hand for a total of two. Let's see, I still have my face-down card, but I'll want to save that for the right moment. Can't pull a big combo like I did last turn and that Kuribreakfast is going to be a real problem if I don't take care of it soon. She looked at the two cards in her hand. Guess things are going to get dirtier before I can clean up. "I summon to the field: another Shining Angel!" Yukizome's summoned to the battlefield another copy of the same monster she'd summoned at the start of the duel with its 1,400 attack points and 800 defense points.
"And people say I'm repetitive," Williams said, rolling his eyes.
"You are," Yukizome replied bluntly. "Repetitively annoying."
"They're called memes and everyone loves them," Williams defended.
"His voice gives him super strength!" Ibuki shouted from the audience.
"Ah, I see I have a fan in the audience," Williams said and waved at Ibuki.
"YAHOO!" Ibuki shouted.
"You would find him funny," Hiyoko said, grumbly.
"British people are always funny. Just look at Sean Connery," Ibuki said, index fingers extended to the side.
"Ibuki…he's not…" Mahiru started to say only to realize the futility in trying to argue with Ibuki. "Never mind."
"Ahhhh, Sean Connery. An actor after my own heart," Teruteru said suavely. "He could double o my seven any time."
"Ew," Hiyoko uttered.
Back on the battlefield, looking at the sole card in her hand. With a resolute sigh, Yukizome said, "I end my turn."
London Kuriboh looked at her oddly. "Aha, leave the jokes to me. Because it sounds like you just said—"
"I know what I said and I'm not joking," Yukizome interrupted him. "I've honestly had all the punchlines I can handle. The sooner this is over with, the better."
"Ah resignation, a first choice over stubborn defiance, or something like that," London Kuriboh said.
Yukizome grinned deviously. "Or maybe I'm just luring you into a false sense of security. You have truly no way of knowing. Now, make your move!"
"What is Yukizome thinking?" Kazuichi asked, slapping his forehead. "Her monster's going to get clobbered!"
In the seats by Class 78, Taka had been sitting silently the last few duels only to now open his mouth. "Ah! Eureka! I understand!"
"Could you understand a little more quietly?" Hina asked, wincing.
"What is it you understand, Taka?" Sakura asked him.
"Mukuro! I believe Miss Yukizome is deliberately baiting Earl Williams to attack and destroy her monster, willing to sacrifice life points if it means gaining an advantage. Do you concur?"
"That's…why are you asking me?" Mukuro asked.
"Well…you are kind of the better duelist out of all of us sitting here," Hina said.
Am I joke to them? Sayaka wondered, sweating inwardly.
"Well I…" Mukuro froze up mentally. She had just been watching carefully with no predictions of her own. As the enemies were not her enemies, it was only prudent for her to not bother with unnecessary thoughts and just memorize and make judgments on tactics as she saw them. That was what Junko had requested after all.
"Took you that long to realize that?" Mondo asked. "Of course she's up to something! Who'd be stupid enough to leave a weaker monster out in the open like that?"
"No, I mean…I believe I might know exactly her tactic. Williams can summon a new monster on his turn that may or may not be strong enough to destroy the monster Shining Angel summons. And if Williams' new monster still has more than 1,500 attack points, I believe she has a counter strategy in mind to avoid taking too much damage," Taka stated.
"That certainly sounds plausible, but what kind of cards would let her do that?" Sayaka wondered.
"I am…uncertain. That is why I asked Mukuro for assistance."
"I…have no idea," Mukuro answered. She really didn't.
"Oh…I…I see."
Unaware of Class 78's little chatter, Williams drew his card and began his turn. "Well then, I believe it's time I summoned to the field: Kuribuster!"
Out came a Kuriboh with a knife-sized Buster Blader sword, Buster Blader mask, and a haircut a different color than the rest of it that was so obtuse that the 80s and 90s wanted nothing to do with it.
"Huh." Ibuki said, a bit disappointed.
"Something the matter Ibuki?" Nekomaru asked.
Fuyuhiko sighed as if to ask why Nekomaru bothered pulling the pin on that grenade.
"It's just, Ibuki heard Kuribuster and she was thinking how cute it would look with a little brown vest and a proton pack!" Ibuki explained.
"As cute as that sounds, wouldn't that work better as an anti-Kuriboh card?" Peko asked, surprising everyone that she even knew what Ibuki was talking about.
All except Fuyuhiko who was more aggravated than surprised. "Do not encourage her," he said strenuously.
Kuribuster had 1,600 attack points and 1,200 defense points.
Kaiba couldn't help but glare from his seat in his private suite. Kuriboh and Buster Blader put together. Pegasus was just mocking him now.
"All right, time to make like a biscuit…and get dipped in tea! Kuri-Bigfoot, attack her Shining Angel! Just make sure you don't track glitter into the house later."
"Kuri!" The deep voiced monster said and stomped on Yukizome's monster, causing her to lose another 800 life points, bringing her down to a total of 2,400.
"Shining Angel's special ability activates!" Yukizome declared. "I can now summon a monster from my deck that's light attribute and has 1,500 attack points or less. So come on out: Artifact Beagalltach!"
From her deck, Yukizome spawned a monster made of red energy that was wielding a giant steampunk dagger that made the one in Kuribuster's hands look absolutely puny by comparison. It had 1,400 attack points and 2,100 defense points.
Yukizome paused, staring at Williams disapprovingly.
"What? I haven't said anything."
"Come on. Out with it."
"Out with what?"
She threw her hands up in the air. "Oh, I don't know. My monster has a bigger sword than your monster. Come on, where's the lowbrow gag about compensation and all that fun stuff," she said, saying the last two words sarcastically.
"The thought never occurred to me because unlike you I have standards for humor. You have a filthy, filthy mind, Miss Maid."
The audience could almost hear steam as Yukizome sounded like she was reaching her boiling point. "I…am not…a maid," she said with clenched fist and a smile that barely held together her fracturing sanity.
"Not with that attitude you're not," Williams said.
"Uh, Munakata, should we be worried?" Sakakura asked him.
"Huh? Worried about what?" Munakata said.
"Chisa committing murder in broad daylight," Sakakura responded.
"If she does, I'll stop her," Munakata responded. And that was the end of that discussion.
With Beagalltach now in play and Yukizome's brain having cooled off a bit, the housekeeper turned teacher made her move, "Since my monster was special summoned to my field during your turn, its special ability activates, I can destroy up to two face-down cards on my side of the field. And since I only have one, I'm going to blow it up!"
Her entire class reacted with surprise. "Has she god damn lost her mind?" Kazuichi shouted.
"The memes are getting to her! She's going to have her face superimposed over a cat with a cheeseburger!" Ibuki cried out in alarm.
With its big dagger, Beagalltach slashed through the face-down card, but what was destroyed was not a spell…but a monster.
"What?" Williams gasped, surprised, quickly taking off his glasses and cleaning them with his shirt to make sure he wasn't seeing things.
"Confused yet? Good. Because the mental pain doesn't stop there. With my own Artifact monster destroyed, I'm now able to summon this monster from my hand: Artifact Labrys!"
A pink energy being wielding a massive axe stormed to Yukizome's side of the field.
"And that's not all," Yukizome said, ejecting from her graveyard, the very monster she'd sent to it with Beagalltach. "In addition to being allowed to set Artifact monsters in my spell and trap zone as though they were spell cards, I'm allowed to special summon them to the field when they are destroyed in that zone during my opponent's turn, allowing me to summon to the field Artifact Achilleshield!" A purple energy being with 1,500 attack points and 2,200 defense points erected itself on Yukizome's side of the field to Labrys' right, all three Artifact monsters staring down Williams' Kuriboh monsters.
"Hang on, did you summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" Williams asked.
"Yeah, so?" Yukizome asked.
"That's against the rules, isn't it?" Williams asked.
Yukizome's response was merely a dark sinister chuckle as the sunlight cast a shadow on her face under her bangs. "Actually, it's entirely within the rules due to my monsters' effects. This duel is now back under my control. Class is in session and I'm about to school you."
"Joke's on you, I learned nothing from school," Williams retorted, grinning.
Yukizome pointed her index finger at him, thumb extended. "Then I guess that makes you a rotten orange. Meaning it's time to make a marmalade, Yukizome style."
"I beg your pardon. I'm in the middle of my battle phase."
Yukizome folded her hands neatly over her apron and then made a buzzer noise. She then said, "Wrong. And it's all thanks to Achilleshield. See, when its special summoned to the field, your monsters can't attack any of my Artifact monsters for the rest of the turn. So, I'd say that's a failing grade for your attempts to defeat me."
"Okay, let's get one thing straight here. The only thing I fail at is meeting deadlines. Well, if my battle phase is all buggered, then I guess I'll take my main phase two."
"Correction. You have one card your hand and I've been paying careful attention. You're holding only a Rainbow Kuriboh. And since you already summoned a monster this turn, I believe that makes it my turn."
Williams sweated a little, though that might've just been because he was overweight and the sun was beaming down on him. "I…suppose you are absolutely correct. Your turn."
"Thank you," Yukizome said with all the charm and gentleness of a mother teaching a toddler how to use a toilet, which sounding so condescending under the circumstances when coupled with her smile.
Yukizome held up her duel disk and looked down at her deck. My hand is empty and that Rainbow Kuriboh is going to cause me some problems if I don't figure out a way to deal with it. Fortunately, unless he figures out a way to deal with Achilleshield, the duel is at an almost effective stalemate. If he's focused on the Kuriboh archetype, chances are I can take all the time I want to gain an advantage. "I draw!" Yukizome declared and plucked the top card from her deck and looked at it. Perfect.
"I move to battle!" Yukizome exclaimed. "Labrys! Attack Kuri-Bigfoot!" What will you do I wonder? Yukizome thought.
"I activate the special ability of my Rainbow Kuriboh!"
A bunch of Rainbow Kuribohs stormed the field as they all formed in a circle and bestowed a rainbow beam down onto Labrys, trapping her under a beam of rainbow energy.
"Taste the rainbow!" Williams exclaimed, only to quickly add, "…And now I wish I actually had some skittles."
"Oh, don't worry, you'll be skittling out of the tournament soon enough," Yukizome said. "You may have stopped my attack, but my turn isn't over!" She pulled Labrys and Beagalltach from off of the duel disk. "Because I now sacrifice Labrys and Beagalltach in order to summon the Goddess of wartime tactics and strategy herself: Athena!"
The beautiful and majestic white garbed goddess arrived on the battlefield clutching her faithful spear and shield.
"And there's more, you see, during my turn, I am permitted to send one of my fairy-type monsters to the graveyard, and then summon a different one in my graveyard to the field! So, all I need to do is send Achilleshield to the graveyard and I'm able to summon Labrys back to the field!"
Opening a magic portal, Athean send Achilleshield seemingly to another dimension as Labrys took its place, the pink energy being swinging the magic axe.
"Oh, but I'm not quite finished yet, you see, whenever a fairy-type monster is summoned to my field, I can deal 600 points of damage directly to you! Courtesy of Athena!"
A magic beam of light gathered on the tip of Athena's spear and then was fired directly at Williams' chest. He clutched it as his life points fell to 3,400. "Ow. Seriously. How do these holograms actually hurt?"
"My turn's over," Yukizome said. "You can go now."
Williams nodded. "I have to admit, I'm rather impressed by your tactics, but you made a crucial error."
"And what would that be?" Yukizome asked.
"You sent my Rainbow Kuriboh to the graveyard, thereby increasing the power of Kuri-Bigfoot." Kuri-Bigfoot, thanks to the effects of Kuribreakfast, gained 100 attack and defense points each, giving it a total of 2,300 attack points. "And since you sent Achilleshield to the graveyard, that means I am free to attack your Artifact Labrys and engage in mutual destruction."
"Go ahead and see if it helps you then," Yukizome dared. "I've got no cards in my hand and nothing face-down. Take your best shot!"
"I believe I will," Williams said and drew the top card of his deck. "Kuri-Bigfoot, attack Artifact Labrys!"
Artifact Labrys held aloft its mighty battle axe and swung upward with all its might to try and destroy Kuri-Bigfoot by slicing it through its big feet. The attack failed and Artifact Labrys was crushed under the monster's foot. However, despite gasping in pain, the energy being then launched her axe at Kuri-Bigfoot's face, splitting it open. Both monsters were then destroyed and sent to the graveyard.
"And I believe that that will do it," Williams said. "I end my turn."
Yukizome laughed.
"I'm afraid I missed the joke. I'm usually so good about avoiding that," Williams said.
Yukizome pointed at Kuribuster. "You forgot to set your monster to defense mode."
"What?! NO! I…oh rubbish."
Yukizome drew the top card of her deck. "Bad time to be making amateur mistakes in the big leagues. I summon to field Fairy Archer!"
A fairy in a ninja-like garb with big, green eyes, dragonfly-like yellow wings and carrying a massive golden bow appeared.
"And since I summoned a fairy-type monster, you lose 600 life points. Have at it, Athena!" Yukizome declared, swinging her arm down and to the side.
Athena blasted Williams with another beam of light, bringing his total down to 2,800.
"And next, I activate Fairy Archer's effect! For every light-attribute monster I control, you take 400 points of damage. And I count two so that's 800 points."
"Oh, bugger all me," Williams panted. He took two, big shimmering arrows to the chest that exploded on contact, dropping his life points to 2,000. Yukizome was now in the lead.
"All right, Miss Yukizome!"
"And I'm still not finished! I activate Athena's other ability, swapping Fairy Archer out to bring Labrys back to the battlefield good as new!"
Fairy Archer was cast into a portal and out stormed Labrys one more time, the fabled axe-wielding energy being stubbornly refusing to stay down.
"Man, she really likes that Labrys card," Sakakura commented.
Munakata smiled. "I'm glad I gave it to her."
"And since I summoned yet another fairy-type monster this turn, that's another 600 points of damage for you, Mister."
Athena blasted Williams with another blast of white light.
"If you keep hitting me in the chest, I'm going to get a heart attack. I'm not exactly in the pinnacle of health here," Williams complained as his life points fell to 1,400.
"Don't worry, if you start passing out, I know CPR. I'm certified and I have every health care provider I'm eligible for on speed dial!"
Williams blinked. "I know you meant that to be reassuring, but now I just have so many questions."
"Well I can answer them when you're done and eliminated. Athena! Attack!"
Athena held aloft her spear and prepared to strike Kuribuster down. 1,000 points of damage were imminent.
However, in her adrenaline rush, Yukizome failed to notice the metaphorical stamp Williams placed on her forehead that said SUCKER on it…or possibly NITWIT because he was British and they would have their slang respected!
"I special summon to the field: Kuriboulder!"
A giant rock, a really big ass rock, the color of a cinderblock squatted down on Williams' side of the field. With its eyes towards the bottom, the critter seemed like it was some type of hermit crab, especially given where the arms and feet were on the creature.
"Oh my god! A giant rock!" Ibuki exclaimed.
Athena's spear clanged against the big, silver obstruction as its massive frame blocked Kuribuster from harm. And its defense points were just as obstructive: 3,000.
"I'm sorry, but it's far too early to celebrate. I did that once and ended up losing my wallet, my keys and woke up in my neighbor's bed without my kidney. True story. And I don't think you want to lose your kidney, so I'll settle for your life points."
Yukizome grimaced, clenching her teeth as her life points fell to 2,000. She'd been careless and it had cost her.
"When Kuriboulder is special summoned to the battlefield, as long as I control another Kuriboh monster, its defense permanently doubles and the battle phase ends immediately for the turn. So sorry."
Yukizome bit her lip. This was bad. With her luck, Williams was about to summon something really dangerous. She could almost feel it.
"Right, so since you can't attack and you have nothing in your hand, it's my turn." Williams drew the top card of his deck. "Ah, so that's how far down in my deck you were hiding."
Yukizome's gaze narrowed as though she was trying to see through the back of Williams' card.
"I sacrifice Kuriboulder and Kuribuster! Sorry little guy, your work here is done even though you didn't get to do anything. That way I can summon the biggest, hairiest and absolutely fluffiest, Kuriboss!"
Williams' monsters disappeared and, in their place, now squatted an absolutely massive Kuriboh the size of a house. It had 0 attack and 0 defense points.
"Don't tell me. Let me guess. Special ability?" Yukizome asked.
"Hey, you guessed right," Williams said and collected all of his Kuriboh cards from his graveyard. "Kuriboss requires I sacrifice all of the Kuriboh monsters on my field, minimum one, to be summoned. Then gains all of the attack points of every Kuriboh monster I banish from my graveyard. And I count up a grand total of 3,900 attack points."
Yukizome visibly swallowed.
"Prepare to—"
"If you say smothered by your giant hairy ball, so help me, I will—"
"Actually, I was going to say prepare to lose almost all of your life points."
Yukizome was left replying with a very plain, "Oh."
"You really do have a dirty mind. Which is ironic given you're a maid and all."
"For the last time! I am a—"
Yukizome then noticed the massive Kuriboss jumping high into the air like a marsupial, its shadow cast on the entire battlefield below.
The young woman's eyes and posture shrank under the gargantuan size of the incoming body slam of the massive monster. "—housekeeper?" she squeaked before both she and Athena were smooshed under the weight of Kuriboss as the monster then rolled backwards to Williams' side of the field.
"Miss Yukizome!" Ibuki, Mahiru and several other students in the seating section for Class 77-B cried out.
"Big sis!" Hiyoko shouted, being the only one different.
As Yukizome groaned, laying on the ground on her back, her life points drastically dropped down to only 700.
"Without Athena, you can't deal effect damage to my life points to win the duel. Not that you could at this point anyway," Williams stated.
"Ungh, why?" Yukizome asked, groaning as she stood up.
"Kuriboss has other special effects. Not only is it the only monster capable of being targeted on my field, regardless of position, but it also prevents you from dealing damage to my life points in any other way other than destroying it in battle. So, I guess what I'm saying is, might as well bow out gracefully while you have the chance. 3,900 attack points is nothing to sneeze at. Although, if you do sneeze, cover your mouth. It's only polite."
"Ugh," Yukizome said, getting up, dusting herself off. "Thanks, but no thanks. I don't give up. It's not in my dictionary."
"Is that so? Perhaps I can recommend to you a dictionary from my sponsor," Williams said and turned to the camera to start launching a shameless plug.
However, he had only inhaled before Yukizome uttered, "Do it, and I make a false claim on your videos and get them taken down for copyright."
Williams looked back at Yukizome, horrified. "You…monster."
A collective gasp rose up from the audience, followed by Ibuki shouting, and looking horrified, "Miss Yukizome! You can't do that! That's like…Kaiba levels of rude! …And mean!"
I've done worse for less, Kaiba thought.
"Well if you don't want that, focus on the duel and quit it with the jokes," Yukizome said.
"I can promise the first one, not so much the second," Williams responded.
Yukizome rolled her eyes. "Listen, Williams."
"I prefer London Kuriboh in front of the cameras," London Kuriboh responded.
Yukizome took a deep breath. "LK. Can I call you LK?"
London Kuriboh smirked. "I don't know. Can you?"
Yukizome's left eye twitched.
I get the feeling she's going to need to see Miaya herself after this tournament, Mahiru thought.
"May I call you LK?" Yukizome asked.
"No," London Kuriboh responded. "But you can subscribe to my channel and click the bell icon for notifications."
Yukizome looked like she was going to blow a gasket. But, like a professional, she restrained herself. "You know what? It's fine. Doesn't matter. Cause when I'm through kicking your butt, I won't have to put up with you anymore. So, get ready to lose."
"I think I'll get ready to win instead. Way more fun. And while I wait I'll enjoy a refreshing Hetap."
"Oh, sure. Have a hetap. It'll be nice to have something refreshing after I'm finished with you. I draw!"
Yukizome knew she only had one chance to draw the card she needed to finish this duel. But, it was a stretch, if Williams didn't play exactly into her hands, she'd be in trouble. I just hope his tactics are as dumb as his jokes. "I'm switching Labrys to defense mode and ending my turn," Yukizome stated.
"So much for that speech I suppose," Londo Kuriboh stated. "Oh well, these things happen. You come up with a really good line and then no one appreciates it, or laughs. It's especially painful if they don't laugh."
"Make your move!" Yukizome exclaimed.
"Right. Right," London Kuriboh said and drew the top card of his deck. "Let's see here. Aha! Excellent. This duel is, quite frankly, over. I summon Kuribomb!"
A kuriboh shaped like a black, ceramic bomb, complete with unlit fuse appeared. "Kuri!" The monster had 0 attack and 0 defense points.
"And here's how it works, I activate Kuribomb's special effect, it explodes and one of your monsters dies. And then, I'm free to attack with Kuriboss and end the duel. Sounds simple, right?"
Yukizome bit her lip.
"Right, so glad you agree. Kuribomb, do the thing."
"Kuri!" Kuribomb darted forward and latched onto Labrys, lighting its fuse. The monster's fuse then winded down and the monster went boom, destroying both monsters.
"And now, Kuriboss, finish this duel with one last furry body slam."
Now!
Before Kuriboss could take off from the ground, a flash of green light gave off from the card in Yukizome's hand as wind billowed all around her.
"You? Finish me off with that giant hairball?" Yukizome asked, giving a cool, calm stare to her opponent. She smirked, "Hmph, Hell's more likely to freeze." Yukizome held the card in her hand aloft to the sky. "Goddess of Sweet Revenge!"
"What?" Williams gasped.
A shockwave of green energy rippled outward from Yukizome as the phantom of a green-haired woman carrying a majestic scepter appeared behind Yukizome. "Did you think you were the only duelist that could activate the effects of your monsters from the hand? Guess you never considered this one. Here's one final lesson to you: when my opponent attacks me directly while I control no cards and Goddess of Sweet Revenge is the only card in my hand, first, I discard it." Yukizome slid the card into her graveyard. "Next, it destroys all monsters on my opponent's side of the field."
Williams started to sweat and this time it definitely wasn't because of the sunlight.
With a powerful blast of energy rippling through the air, Kuriboss was destroyed.
"And next, I can take any monster in my deck and immediately summon it to the field. So now, I call upon the powers of one of my favorite monsters!"
"Which monster is it? Tell me!" London Kuriboh exclaimed.
"Keep your hat on. I'm about to summon it. Behold! Gemini Elf!"
The twin elves stormed the battlefield 1,900 attack points strong.
"Odd choice. You could've just drawn that monster," Williams said.
"Maybe, but this monster is important to me," Yukizome stated. "Duel's basically over anyway, so let me indulge a little. These two elves are twin sisters. And, recently, I adopted a little sister. We may be twins, but she's very important to me. I always liked this card, but recently it has a little more sentimental value, you know?"
"You know…" Williams said, sticking his hands in his pockets. "I can appreciate that. All right, get my good side. You won."
Yukizome nodded, smiling. "You know, in spite of all the annoying jokes, this duel's been rather fun. Maybe I'll watch one of your videos when this is over."
"You're only saying that because you're about to win," London Kuriboh said.
"Eh, maybe," Yukizome shrugged. "All right, Gemini Elf!" She declared as she drew the top card of her deck as a mere formality. "Let's go! Gemini! Double!"
"RADIATION!" She and Hiyoko exclaimed at the same time.
The two elves combined their magical rays together and slammed them into London Kuriboh. With nothing on the field and no cards in hand, the duel was essentially over. The blasts smashed into him, pushing him back and dropped his life points all the way to 0.
"School's out!" Yukizome exclaimed and then gave London Kuriboh a thumb's down. "You fail!"
"Well I never was a good student," London Kuriboh said and then drew his hand by his neck to indicate for his camera aide to cut the feed. "Welp, can't say this hasn't been fun. Honestly, if I got to duel anyone in this tournament, I'm glad it was you. You were a good sport. I don't know if anyone else in this tournament could've provided me so many setups for jokes."
"I'm sure you would've figured something out. Annoying or not, you certainly seemed professional." Then, adopting a British accent and speaking in the Queen's English instead of Japanese, Yukizome said, "Good show, old chum."
"Oh, you speak the Queen's English, albeit with a forced British accent," London Kuriboh said, shaking her hand.
"I speak about ten different languages," Yukizome said, "And I can read and write in several more."
"Well, good show, Miss Yukizome," London Kuriboh said and gave her hand one last good shake before letting go. "Welp, best go take my seat in the audience now that I'm out of the tournament."
"Oh? You're going to stick around?"
"Why not? My fans have been waiting months for a new episode, they can wait one more day. Not like I'm spending it selling my marriage to the devil."
"Who would be stupid enough to do that?" Yukizome asked.
Mokuba cleared his throat and pointed at his watch. They had a schedule to keep.
"All right. All right. Keep your jacket on. Well, it was nice meeting you. As a housekeeper, I wouldn't mind serving you tea sometime if you're in the area. Maybe you could provide comedy hour for my class."
"Oh I don't know about that. I get stage fright easily."
Yukizome gave him a look of sheer disbelief given he'd just dueled and quipped in front of a live audience.
"Heh, worth a shot," London Kuriboh replied and then said. "Welp, best of luck to you, Miss Housekeeper. Just promise me one thing."
"Hmm?"
"Share your houses with the homeless. I mean, really. They don't deserve to sleep on the…" He was suddenly sprayed in the face with a squirt bottle. "…streets."
"No." Yukizome said and sprayed him in the face again. "Bad British comedian." She sprayed him one more time. "Stop it."
"All right. All right," London Kuriboh said, drying off his glasses. "Guess I'll go see what they have in the concession stand now that I'm out on free snacks."
With that, the two went their separate ways and Yukizome found a nice quiet spot in the break room to decompress after that trying of her sanity. Thank god Hope's Peak Academy did not have an Ultimate Stand-up Comedian. Her mind wouldn't be able to take it, she felt.
With Yukizome back in the break room and Williams in his saved spectator seat with all his friends, a commercial break ran for a few minutes. And then, it was time to announce the next duelists.
"Well, I can at least say I think we got all the good jokes this tournament is going to give us. So who's up for something more serious?"
The fans roared from their seats. Comedy was good, but only in short bursts after all.
"Then let's find out who our next contestants are!" Mokuba exclaimed. "All right, Roland. Please reveal the next match!"
Everyone's eyes were transfixed on the big board as two names were revealed for the 11th and 12th bracket.
Tristan, Téa, Serenity, Miho and Bakura cheered.
From her seat with all her classmates, Aiko immediately pulled out her movie camera. This was going to be good.
"Kotomi Ikuta and Mai Valentine, please report to the dueling arena now!" Kaiba declared.
It took mere seconds before Kotomi was running onto the scene, taking a huge leap into the air, fist pumped. "YEAH!" She shouted.
Well, someone's full of energy, Tristan thought.
"Bought time you guys called me in!" Kotomi exclaimed, making the V for victory sign with her fingers. "Who's ready for a wild duel! WOOHOO!" She shouted
"WOOHOO!" Ibuki cheered along with the screams and shouts of tens of thousands of stadium goers.
While Kotomi continued to get the crowd fired up, Mai casually strode out into view and took her spot in the arena.
"Everything all right, Mai?" Yami asked her.
Mai chuckled. "I'm fine, Yugi. She got so excited when she heard her name called, she bolted before I could even get up from my seat. I'm surprised she didn't trip."
"Oh come on! How can you stand there and act so calm?" Kotomi asked Mai, fists clenched, a manic eager grin on his face. "Where's your fighting spirit? Where's your competitive battle cry?" Kotomi then let out one hell of an Amazonian, high-pitched cry to the heavens as she beat her chest like a gorilla and made noises similar to one before putting her fists along her waist and throwing two practice punches. She then bowed…surprisingly slowly.
"Someone had too much coffee," Mai said, dumbfounded.
"Too much coffee?" Kotomi asked, winding her arm. "Nonsense. I'm naturally hyper." She grinned as she punched her right fist into her left hand. "Who wouldn't be competing in a tournament of this magnitude?" Kotomi held her arm to the sky, index finger extended. "The reputation of Hope's Peak Academy's 77-A reaches far and wide!" With the same arm, she lowered it and then pointed her thumb at herself, "When people talk about the fiery cheerleader, the indomitable spirit of tenacity and recklessness, they're talking about me: Kotomi Ikuta! So come on, let's shuffle our decks and do this thing! I'm all fired up!"
"Careful that you don't hit burn out," Mai said, smirking.
"Ain't got nothing to worry about," Kotomi said, grinning. "My batteries are limitless. So draw those Harpies! Play those Amazons! I can't wait for them to meet my monsters and see which one of us comes out on top! Yeah! A girl like me going up against a true professional? This battle can't be anything, but crazy and wild!"
It's exhausting just listening to her. Maybe I'm worried about the wrong person hitting burnout. Still… "Well, if you're that eager, I certainly have no qualms about holding nothing back. Not that I intended to go easy on you in the first place," Mai said with a smirk.
"I would expect nothing less. Show me all of your potential!" Kotomi exclaimed, pumping her fist. "Shower me with your skill! Your glory! Your life experience! I'll experience it all and throw it right back in your face!"
"Well, you talk a big game, but let's see if your skills are good enough to stay in the tournament," Mai said, activating her duel disk. "Or maybe you just got lucky to make your way here."
"Hey, luck's a part of skill if you ask me. So let's get this game on and fire up this crowd! Cause it ain't a duel if people aren't cheering!" Kotomi said casting her head down and raising up one index finger to the air again. It got the crowd screaming and shouting.
She certainly knows how to motivate the crowd, Mai thought, Guess that's what makes her the Ultimate Cheerleader. "All right, Kotomi. Let's do this!"
"Yeah!" Kotomi exclaimed.
Both women's life points climbed up to 4,000. Everything was primed and ready to go.
"Let's duel!"
"LET'S DUEL!"
Both women shouted, though at much different volumes. The 6th match of the first round of the Kaiba Corp Grand Prix had officially begun.
(A/N: And from a duel all about comedy that was sure to rupture your stomach, we move into a duel likely to give you heart burn from the sheer fiery intensity or all the hamminess Kotomi can spew like she's a genderbent fusion of Natsu Dragneel and Kamina.
Now, I do have a good reason why Yukizome is using Artifacts in-universe, but that'll come later. I couldn't really work it into this chapter without taking away from the comedy. And before you get on my case, aside from one Xyz monster, the artifact cards don't even reference other game mechanics, so for me they're fair game to use. And yes, of course I had to have London Kuriboh use a Kuriboh themed deck.
There are eight references to Yu-gi-oh the Abridged Series in this chapter, plus at least 2 other references in the chapter to other media. It's 100 Bonus Points for each reference you find and leave in your review—please try not to cheat—or in your initial DM to me on Discord, FF, or DA.
For a duel that spawned for no other reason than from the "In my day we didn't have dueling maid housekeepers" joke, I think this turned out pretty well, all things considered.
Anyway, that's all for now, folks. I hope you all had a barrel full of laughs. And, until next time, from all of me, to all of you, let your hearts stay human and your wrath draconic. Ja ne!)