There were times when Jimmy would lay awake at night and wonder exactly what Cecilia was thinking. He would lay with his hands behind his head, eyes to the ceiling as he heard her breathing softly next to him, her duvet held up to her chin and one hand stuffed under her pillow. Occasionally, he would let his head loll to the side and watch the back of her head. Her hair was always unkempt when she slept, a consequence of rolling from side to side. It would be the same most nights. They would sometimes talk before going to sleep. Sometimes they would simply just have sex.
But one thing would remain constant. Cecilia would kiss him on the cheek before turning the light out. He would move his arm around her waist, holding onto her as she ran a thumb up and down his knuckles, her hands in his. Eventually, she would begin to drift off and start shifting, moving and rolling around. That was enough to make Jimmy let go of her hand, feeling a sudden coldness as he went onto his back.
That was how he felt in his relationship with her. He often felt coldness. Cecilia was always polite. She was always willing to talk to him and she would kiss him and hold him. But there were times when he wanted more. He wanted to know how she felt about him. He wanted to know if she thought their relationship was developing. He knew that she was scared. She had been married and divorced, just like him, but she seemed much more hurt than Jimmy could ever have been. Her ex had moved on, but Jimmy sometimes doubted that she could do the same. She wanted to move on and Jimmy saw that, but he just didn't think she knew how to move on.
Laying awake that Friday evening, Jimmy wondered if he should talk to her about it. Would he even get a straight answer? He wanted this to work. Everything else in his life was shit. His job was crap. He barely had a cent to his name. He lived in a squalid office. He had nothing good in his life that made him happy, except her. She was the only thing that brought him joy at that moment in time. Even his own brother wasn't talking to him.
Perhaps it was better not talking about it with her. Perhaps bottling up his feelings and pretending everything was how he wanted it to be was better. Sometimes Jimmy found lying to be better than knowing the truth.
….
"You know that I'm not going to stop," Cecilia said as they ate pancakes on the Saturday morning.
Dressed in a polo shirt with dark pants, Jimmy did his best not to get maple syrup down the front of his top. Cecilia wore a long, flowing dark dress, a denim jacket on her shoulders and her hair hanging loose. She took a sip of her cup of herbal tea as she looked at Jimmy over the rim of the cup, brow arched on her forehead.
Jimmy rolled his eyes at hearing her. "I know," he commented.
"Yet you still won't listen to me," she said, placing her cup down and taking a bite of her pancake. "He is your brother, Jimmy. You should go and see him."
"He should apologise," Jimmy responded.
"I can agree with that," Cecilia said, chewing another mouthful of the pancake. "What he said was bang out of order and I always thought that he had a superiority complex, but you are still family. You know that you should go and see him. I know that you know that."
"I guess," Jimmy mumbled.
"No guessing about it," she responded with a nonchalant shrug. "If you go there and he is still an ass about things then at least you can say you tried. Surely it is better than sitting and moping around, wondering what he is doing."
"It is," Jimmy confirmed with her.
"Then go," she urged him, her voice gentle as she smiled encouragingly. "Go and see him this afternoon and when you are done then come to mine and I will cook us a chilli tonight."
"You're not going to drop this, are you?"
"You might be a lawyer," she said to him, "but I am much better at hassling than you."
Jimmy chuckled and nodded. "I guess you are."
….
Walking into his brother's house, Jimmy looked around, wondering why it was so dark. All the curtains were shut and the grass was overgrown. There were dishes stacking up on the worktop surface and laundry seeming to be in a giant tub.
"Chuck?" Jimmy called his brother's name hesitantly, moving further into the house and placing his key into his pocket. "Hey, Chuck?"
"Jimmy."
Coming to the living room, Chuck saw his brother sat on the sofa with a newspaper open on the coffee table in front of him. He was dressed in his pyjamas with a dressing gown over him. Looking to Jimmy, Chuck's brows furrowed together as his little brother stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.
"What are you doing here?" Chuck wondered from him.
"People said that you hadn't been at work," Jimmy said. "Why is it so dark in here? You should turn the light on and open the curtains."
"No," Chuck said quickly as Jimmy walked to the window. He paused, arm outstretched and ready to let in the light. Looking to Chuck, he arched a brow as his brother sat back in his seat. "I've had a migraine for a few days. I don't want to risk it coming back."
"Okay," Jimmy said, not entirely buying his story as he went to sit on the sofa across from his brother. Shrugging, he looked to the man who was usually so well presented and sharp. This looked nothing like that man. "So what is going on, Chuck?"
"I've just been ill," Chuck shrugged. "Rebecca walking out took its toll on me. I haven't felt myself for a while and I think this is just the result. I will be fine eventually. I'll be back to my normal self."
"Huh," Jimmy said, not entirely convinced. "So this is all to do with Rebecca leaving?"
"My wife walked out on me, Jimmy," Chuck deadpanned, "I'm inclined not to take that very well. If I recall correctly you took to defecating through someone's sunroof when your marriage broke down so I don't think you are in any position to pass judgment."
Jimmy groaned and ran his hands down his face, leaning back and looking to the ceiling. "This is about you, Chuck," Jimmy said, arms outstretched in front of him as he emphasised that. "This is not about me. This is about you and how you are coping. Why do you have to turn it round all of the time?"
"Because I am coping just well," Chuck said and Jimmy scoffed.
"Looks like it," he muttered. "You know she told me to come here."
"Cecilia?"
"Yeah, Ce," Jimmy said. "She said that I would feel better if I came and checked on you, but you haven't even bothered to offer me an apology and when I do try and talk to you it just ends up in your making me remember how worthless I am."
Chuck frowned and shrugged. "What am I supposed to apologise for?"
Jimmy's lips fell into a straight line. "You're not serious?" he checked with his brother, but the vacant look on Chuck's face told Jimmy that he was. "About the argument we had the other week…the one when I came to talk to you…the last time we spoke."
Chuck shrugged again. "I told you the truth, Jimmy," he said. "She will move on eventually. She is using you to get over her ex. We both know it. Deep down I know that you know that. There is some semblance of doubt inside of you."
"Perhaps there is," Jimmy admitted, "perhaps we all doubt our relationships, but we try to make them work. I am trying to make what I have with Cecilia work, but you never even offered me any encouragement…never even told me that you wanted me to be happy."
"Because I don't think that there is a chance of you finding happiness with her," Chuck said honestly.
"You see?" Jimmy snapped at him. "You're not even willing to try and be happy for me or encourage me…I just…it's draining, Chuck. You don't need to be in lawyer mode all the time. You don't need to think pragmatically about everything. Sometimes I just want you to be my brother."
Chuck rolled his eyes. "I have always been a brother to you," he snapped. "Who was it who bailed you out when you got in trouble? Who was it who helped you get a job at HHM? Who will you run to when Cecilia Morris breaks your heart? Me, Jimmy. It is always me."
"I'm not denying you have always been there when I have needed you, Chuck," Jimmy said to him. "It just feels like you're not there when I want you to be there."
Chuck snorted. "That makes no sense," he said. "Anyway, this conversation is giving me a headache. I would appreciate it if you left now, Jimmy."
"Chuck-"
"-Please," Chuck interrupted. "I don't have the energy to do this for much longer."
Nodding once, Jimmy moved to his feet and looked down to his brother. "I'll see you around, Chuck."
Chuck didn't say anything as Jimmy stalked from his house, leaving his brother to stew in his own thoughts and company.
….
"How did it go?" Cecilia asked, eagerly handing Jimmy a glass of wine.
"You know when you said I would feel better for going?" Jimmy checked with her. "Well that was a big lie."
"Shit," Cecilia whispered as she sat on the sofa and Jimmy followed her.
"Can say that again," he responded, taking a sip of his wine. "We had another heated discussion. He turned it back onto me…said how he wasn't going to take advice from some screw up like me and continued to tell me how…well…eventually…I'd end up going back to him when you break my heart."
Cecilia said nothing then, taking a sip of her wine. Looking at her, Jimmy's gaze almost seemed pleading as she looked away. He placed his wine glass down on the table as she rested hers on her bent knee.
"I just want to know if he is right," Jimmy admitted in a soft voice and Cecilia looked to her.
"Jimmy," she sighed, "we've been over this. We both don't know what is going to happen in the future. What did you tell me? You can't live in fear of being hurt. I'd never intentionally hurt you, Jimmy, but I can't promise you the happy ever after with the white picket fence and three bonny children."
"I don't want that," Jimmy told her.
"Then what do you want?"
"Just to know the truth," Jimmy urged from her. "Cecilia, sometimes I look at you and I don't know what you're thinking. I'm the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I don't bottle things up…but when I talk to you…or ask how you feel…it's like you go vacant. It's like you can't say certain things to me or what you do say then you only say to appease me."
"No," Cecilia said. "Jimmy, I don't mean to."
"I know that you might not mean to," Jimmy promised her, "but just talk to me. Just tell me what is going on."
"I care for you," Cecilia admitted to him. "The best part of my day is knowing that I get to wake up next to you and then I count down the hours until I see you again at work. I…I like spending time with you…and when you…when you do silly things, like hold doors open for me…massage my shoulders while I cook…make sure I have a cup of tea as I rush to get ready for work…those little things make me feel so loved and I don't think I even had that with Martin and it is new to me, Jimmy. It is new having someone so thoughtful and sometimes I don't know to react because I think I'll eventually fuck it up again and you'll go."
Jimmy listened to her intently as she placed her wine glass next to his. She shrugged and closed her eyes before bowing her head.
"And it is easier for me to deny I feel anything because if I deny it and you do go, then it won't hurt as much," she whispered. "Because I'm not good enough for you, Jimmy. I'm really not."
"Are you joking?" Jimmy demanded from her, moving to draw her gaze to his, his hand holding her cheek as his other hand cupped the back of her neck. "Cecilia, you are too good for me. You are far too good for me."
"Don't be silly."
"Have you seen yourself?" Jimmy demanded again. "You are stunning, Cecilia. You are smart…you make me laugh like no one else has…you're the best thing in my life right now. You're the only one I want to see and be with…all I think about is you."
"Seriously?"
"Yes," Jimmy said, tossing his head back. "I've said that plenty of times."
"I know," she admitted. "And I'm sorry if I pushed you away. I didn't mean to."
"Just…we both need to be open, okay?" Jimmy asked her. "Because I am serious about making this work."
"So am I," she whispered to him and he genuinely smiled before leaning in to kiss her.
"Then let's do this."
….
A/N: Do let me know what you think!